Breastfeeding Grief Support

[Nessicle]

Least you managed 4 months Lozzy thats better than nothing like me - I didnt have anything whatsoever to give her

 

[bky]

Rrrrrg I typed out a response but then the page keeps timing out so now I have to retype it.
Lozzy- 6 months isn't any kind of magical time. I felt pretty anticlimactic when I got there, like 'now what?' Think of it this way. By making it to 4 months you rode out the worst of the growth spurts.

Nessicle-You shouldn't feel that way. When there isn't anything there there isn't much you can do. I know we all look at what happened thinking 'if only' but hindsight doesn't do us any good except to make our foresight better.

 

[mummyclo]

Wish i found this group earlier! I am so dissapointed in the help i got at the start...i think if i had been helped at all i would still be bfing now
F was sleepy after birth and wouldn't feed, they took his blood sugar and said it was too low and basically forced me to give him formula down a tube because he wouldn't eat i persevered saying i still wanted to feed him but as they were feeding him he wasn't really hungry to feed from me. In the end i used a shield and my milk was never up to full capacity...i tryed everything to get my supply up and nothing worked so eventually at 3 months had to stop So glad there is other people who are upset about stopping BFing

 

[pinklizzy]

I'm such an idiot! I said I wouldn't but I caved and watched 'Is breast best' on iplayer. I feel so crap about not BF again now dammit! They showed a girl getting help to get through the issues she was having and all I could think of was why didn't I do that, why did I just give up and not do what I should be doing for my daughter.
I wanted to have another child but now I'm not sure, I really couldn't deal with these feelings all over again with another baby.

 

[Nessicle]

please dont beat youself up

if anything that doc angered me - it was the attitude of all those women handing out leaflets with the huge mammories with such an ignorant attitude to those who dont (read cant) breastfeed.

There needs to be recognition for those of us who COULD NOT breastfeed i think its disgusting the lack of support I got and the fact they're not allowed to discuss bottle feeding when for some women its our only option xxx

 

[bky]

Don't feel bad about not getting or asking for support. it's often something that doesn't occur to us because of the way BF is advertised as being so natural (natural doesn't mean comes naturally), and then when you're in that post partum funk and sleep deprived there's no one looking out for breastfeeding. Everyone just wants to tick the baby being fed box and move on. I trusted my midwives as they were so great during my pregnancy, but then when things started to go wrong even though I was sitting there sobbing they wouldn't refer me to a LC, they told me it was my fault because I wasn't trying hard enough because I chose to hold my daughter rather than pump and let her cry, they told me SHE had chosen to be bottle fed (WTF?), that I had better stop messing around with still trying to BF, that I would fail and give up, told me I ought to be grateful that my daughter could have formula at all, laughed at how i didn't get anything on my birthplan...and I thought they were helping me at the time. I didn't know that they should have referred me to a LC and I didn't think I would have any problems because everyone in my family BF so I didn't look at where to get more support because I trusted them to help me and they didn't. I came on here and the BF section told me to not give my LO formula, stop doing housework and just sit around and feed her, and keep going, she'd eventually gain weight grr Later on I started looking for help but no one could really help me because my midwives were supposed to have done referrals and my Dr didn't have a clue.

ok tiny rant.
My point is that it's often hard to get proper help so don't feel bad that you didn't know how. I tell people asking for advice on BF their first baby to organize help before they need it. I'm certainly getting a bunch of information together for next time and it's going to be my main focus during pregnancy.

Also, pinklizzy, huge hugs. I know what that crippling guilt is like. I saw your (removed) post in weaning so I'd say for weaning do whatever you're happy with. Don't worry about what other people think. Weaning can be a huge healer and it's such a relief after an unhappy BF experience to do something you feel is right. I had huge huge confidence issues with my parenting because of the way BF went so I know what that is like too. Don't think about what-ifs, think about next-times.

 

[lozzy21]

I couldent bring my self to watch it.

I cant fault the support iv had, its been fantastic but Niamh wouldent play ball.

 

[gertrude]

oh this thread is just for me!

I never questioned I would be able to BF when I was pregnant tbh, just didn't cross my mind. When pickle was born she latched fantastically - left to it during skin time and she knew what to do well. Then we came home and it all went wrong.

She latched well, but she lost weight. At 5 days she'd lost 11.4% of her birth weight, at 8 days she'd gained nothing (but not lost either) but at 10 days she'd lost another 10g so we were sent to the hospital. We were told to top up with formula as she was needing to gain weight. Sent home in tears with an OH who didn't understand how much of a failure I felt at that point.

She gained weight well, fast even, but the core problem was never dealt with and I continued to BF her first then top her up, each top up breaking my heart, the tears I have shed over the last 5 weeks would be enough to cure the UK of any hosepipe bans this year.

Then I went to see a breastfeeding specialist midwife at the hospital who watched and listened and taught me some new positions. She took the time no one else wanted to take. She also listened to me when I said no one had checked her for tongue tie despite it being in her dads and my family and that I thought she had one (I asked at the hospital when we were first referred but they said as I wasn't in pain it wasn't tongue tie and never checked). Well this MW checked and she had it snipped that day by the surgeon. I'm still so angry about this. All the guilt, the upset, everything I felt from that first hospital visit and something COULD have been done to help then.

Since then I'm determined to drop the top ups, but for reasons I don't really understand. We combi feed and she's happy (although with a slight slip up last week when I tried to reduce it too fast and she lost a little bit of weight ) but I can't help feeling angry about the tongue tie, that my supply has been damaged too much and that no one really was proactive in supporting us

Like another Mum said on here, lots of support up to the labour but from the second I went into labour the support has just fucked off.

Instead it's all about tick boxes, charts, and "norms". With some help I could have been an EBFer but I'm not, and I don't think I'm ever going to get over this

I'm very close to giving up the BFing too, it just causes me heartache everytime - but then I think to be EFF I would be more heartbroken. Such a massive decision to make

 

[gertrude]

also I just want to add everyone tells me that if I pump for 15mins on each side after every feed my supply will increase - how the fuck am I supposed to be able to achieve that and survive? She feeds for nearly an hour with the top up, then to express would mean I don't actually have time to pee, or to change her, I just don't understand how I can do it all?

 

[bky]

also I just want to add everyone tells me that if I pump for 15mins on each side after every feed my supply will increase - how the fuck am I supposed to be able to achieve that and survive? She feeds for nearly an hour with the top up, then to express would mean I don't actually have time to pee, or to change her, I just don't understand how I can do it all?

First hugs.
No, I agree, pumping after feeds is really really hard. Almost impossible in a lot of situations. I was told to pump after feeds, but when your baby is feeding 18 hours a day exactly when is ...after?
The only way i can see that being feasible (now much later having more experience of things) is pump off the opposite side whilst feeding with a pump that has a tube connecting it to the pump IYSWIM?. And of course that assumes you don't need both hands for latching and holding your baby (I did).
That's why I like at breast supplementers because it's like a baby pump and the faff with tubes and bottles taped to you is better than the faff with a pump.
This may not be the thread for this, but I'd say don't quit on your worst day. Also, give your LO 3-4 weeks to get used to her tongue tie snip. Sometimes it takes them that long to figure out how to use the 'new' tongue.

 

[gertrude]

No one has given us any advice about the tongue tie - the surgeon was great but only 1 midwife seems to give a shit and she's on holiday this week. The support available for those of us with issues is just ridiculous isn't it If the NHS pushes BF they really need to up the support available - and I mean CONSISTENT support - the number of different answers we get is just a joke

Can you tell I'm still angry?

Today has been a shocking day - she's cried NON STOP I'm at my wits end and don't know what to do. I think it's wind but it could be reflux or something else. Off to the Dr's tomorrow.

Oh and I fell out with my OH today

Today is not a good day

*sigh*

 

[shambaby]

hello there, mind if i join in?

i have just in the last few days found this thread, and have just finished reading everyone's stories, and don't mind admitting to a few tears. it's so upsetting that all any of us have done is try to do the best for our babies, and yet we feel so much guilt. i had started to get used to the way things were, but since my 'breastfeeding' journey very recently ended i am having a bit of a relapse. i'd like to share my story, if that is ok.

i think that the way hayden's birth went has contributed to my feelings of guilt - i also feel like a failure for not being able to give birth to my son, but also guilty becasue i still wonder if i could have made a different choice. it's a long story and not for here, but i had a c-section, because i had polyhydramnois and my consultant suggested induction at a week overdue, because of the risk of cord prolapse. this failed spectacularly and the consultant gave me the option of c-section, or wait for natural labour. i was so terrified of cord prolapse, i chose c-section.

i was able to hold and bf hayden within about an hour of him being born, and he seemed to latch well and fed for ages. however, by the next day i was certain his latch wasn't right, as feeding was painful and my nipples were already starting to crack. i had the opposite experience to some on here - i think every midwife on the ward tried to help, but they all said the latch looked fine, and that things would settle down as bf was established. and they did consider the possibility of tongue tie, and he was checked. after a couple of days i went home, and continued to bf. hayden was thriving, and wasn't feeding unduly often, but it was still so painful, i was sure the latch wasn't right, but no matter how many times i tried to relatch it made no difference, so in the end i stopped trying and just let him carry on feeding while i cried in pain.

when my milk came in on day 4 i thought my boobs would explode! the pain of engorgement on top of it all was too much to bear, and i decided to express, and cup fed hayden the ebm as i wanted to avoid bottles. we did this on and off for a couple of days, until the engorgement settled and i felt brave enough to bf again. on day 5 hayden was weighed - he had lost a little weight, but not much and the midwife was happy.

on day 6 we took hayden out for the first time - a trip to mothercare and to register his birth. at mothercare i fed him in the nursing room and felt so proud as i chatted to the other mum in there, who was very impressed that i was braving public bf so early. then off we went to register him. i remember being close to tears in pain - my boobs felt like they were being stabbed by hundreds of tiny, sharp knives. it was october, and i put it down to the cold. the next day at bedtime i started to feel really unwell, and went to bed early. i expressed some milk, so hubby could feed him overnight.

in the morning i was worse - i was hot and cold, shivering, and everything hurt, not just my boobs. by that time my nipples were not sore and cracked - they were open, bleeding wounds. i called the midwife, who came to see me that morning. she took one look at me and diagnosed mastitis. she called the gp and they agreed to prescribe antibiotics, which hubby fetched. she also offered to help with latching hayden - i got myself ready, and she got hayden into position, but when he got close i flinched and started to cry - i couldn't bear the thought of feeding him and that made me feel like such a terrible mother. the midwife also weighed hayden, certain that he would have lost more weight, but he was already back up to his birthweight and more! i carried on expressing, and hubby was brilliant, and continued to cup feed him - i was determined that when i healed i would start again. the midwife wanted to keep an eye on me and came back in the afternoon - i was much worse, and she arranged for me to see the gp, who admitted me to hospital, also suspecting an endometrial infection.

i was in hospital for 6 days on various iv antibiotics, and continued to express, but using one of their double pumps. the first night when i was admitted i cried myself to sleep because the midwife took hayden for the night to let me rest, but i had not expressed any milk, so he had formula. i had failed. determined to put it right, i pumped as much as i possibly could and after that night he only ever had ebm, still by cup. during my stay i saw loads more midwives, bf supporters and the bf specialist midwife, and i did try to bf so they could check the latch, but no-one could see a problem. again, he was checked for tongue tie. at one point i had 2 bf supporters trying to help me latch, but they just left because they had run out of ideas. so they arranged for me to borrow a pump the same as the one i had been using in hospital.

for the first week after we went home we continued to cup feed, and once i had healed i continued to try to bf, but it was just the same and my nipples quickly became painful again. i was crying through every attempt to bf, and dreading hayden waking for his next feed. hayden was not enjoying his feeds, and didn't seem to be satisfied by them. we knew we couldn't go on like that and i agreed to start giving the ebm by bottle. hayden and hubby were much happier, but i felt like such a failure. i continued to try to latch him, but it was still painful, so i started to do it less and less often, until hayden seemed to forget what the breast was for and it broke my heart to even try. so i became an exclusive expresser.

i never had problems with low supply - in fact the opposite. by the time hayden was a couple of months old i was expressing twice as much milk as he was drinking. i started to get lots of blocked ducts - they mostly cleared after a couple of pumps, but then i had one which wouldn't clear - my gp refererred me to the breast clinic where they diagnosed a breast abcess, and drained fluid from it. it took a couple of months, lots of antibiotics, and a couple more drains to clear it, and the right breast never produced as much milk after that. the doctor told me there might be permanent damage to the breast tissue. it was only then that a little research led me to the conclusion that over-supply was probably the problem all along. the latch was wrong, but looked right, because he would latch ok, but then as soon as my let-down kicked in he clamped down on the breast to try to slow it down. and because the supply was so good, even a poor latch got him plenty of milk, so he had no need to change it. the poor latch led to the nipple damage, which led to the mastitis. and i discovered blocked ducts and abcesses are strongly associated with over-supply. i'm not sure anything would have been different had someone suspected it earlier, but i can't help but wonder.

so, i slowed down the pumping. it was really hard to see my supply decreasing, even though i was still getting plenty of milk for him, but the blocked ducts became less frequent and i finally had some time to spend with my baby. when hayden reached 6 months the bf support group asked for their pump back, so i started to wind down the pumping even more, using my own single pump. we started to use up the (vast!) stock in the freezer. and just over 2 weeks ago i stopped pumping altogether. he still gets frozen ebm, and will for a while yet, but it is combined with formula, as the frozen stock will eventually run out and we want to wean him onto it gradually.

so now i am feeling the guilt all over again, because i have chosen to stop pumping. to make matters worse my boobs are still leaking, so i know there is milk there just waiting to be used, but i am choosing not to. it just wasn't feasible with my - pretty rubbish - pump, and with hayden being weaned and starting to become so much more active he takes up way too much of my time to fit in pumping, too. i know i have done the very best i could, and am very proud of what i achieved, but there is still the nagging feeling that i could have tried harder, i gave up too soon. for the short time i did it i loved bf, despite the pain and, although i know hayden has had the benefit of breastmilk all this time, i feel that we both missed out on something very special.

our plan has always been to have 2 children, and it still is. but i am terrified that the same thing will happen again - i coould not do what i have done with a toddler to look after, too, and i would feel so guilty not giving the second baby the same as i did hayden. on the other hand, if bf worked out second time, i would feel guilty for giving that baby something i couldn't give hayden.

sorry for such a long post, and well done if anyone has managed to reach the end of it. it has helped to get it all out.

thank you.

 

[bky]

Glad it's helped to get it out. Those feelings of if-only are killer aren't they? It's not your fault. Really truly.

 

[shambaby]

thank you so much,i do know it's not my fault, but that doesn't stop me blaming myself!

i have a new theory, though. i think someone on here mentioned lip tie (sorry, not sure who or when and don't have time to look now as need to shower while hayden has his nap!), and i looked it up. i think hayden might have it. he wasn't too happy about me looking, but i will try to get a batter look later. i don't think it's a really severe one, but maybe enough to cause his latching problems. if only someone had thought of that when they were looking for tongue tie . . .

 

[bky]

Lip ties actually go along with posterior tongue ties.
I really ought to do a digest of tongue tie information. I think the BF section is maxed out with stickies though. Here are some good sites for pictures etc.
www.kiddsteeth.com There are a lot of photos if you look around.
https://www.cwgenna.com/quickhelp.html
https://thelogicallady.blogspot.com/p/posterior-tongue-tie-information.html

 

[gertrude]

Well its all stopped. We stopped combi feeding at 3 months (2 weeks ago) and since I have expressed so she gets 1 bottle a day of ebm, but that supply is decreasing rapidly

I feel heartbroken. I dream of relactating, of being able to ebf her, but I know I can't. I've never produced enough milk for her how could I now at nearly 15weeks?

I cry as much now as I did when I originally posted on here. I got so depressed aboutvthe feeding and even though I got to 3 months I still feel a failure

Why can't I let this go? Why can't I just accept the way it is?

 

[bky]

Oh hun. It's because you had a dream of how it was going to be and circumstances stole it from you.
What really helped me was to set small goals I knew I could probably meet. Then when I met them and sometimes exceed them it gave me the energy to keep going and setting more.
How often do you have to pump to get a bottle? And how big of a bottle is it? Maybe you could set the goal of her getting at least 2oz per day until...6 months or something? Then see where you are. That might also give you a chance to have a day here and there to slack off on the pumping if you feel too stressed.
You aren't a failure. Combofeeding is hard. It's so much harder than breastfeeding normally. Don't worry that you couldn't ebf. If you hadn't had all the problems you did there would be no question you were strong or tough enough to ebf. So don't think you are weak, because it's not about that. So often these things are luck, not hard work. Luck in what your problems are, luck in who helps you, luck in what you are able to do about it (because not everything works for everyone).

 

[gertrude]

I pump twice a day and get around 5oz I only did once yesterday and my left boob was so sore over night. She woke for her feed so whilst my OH was heating up her bottle I put her to the boob to relieve the pressure and she was rubbish she gulped, choked ands then refused it but at least she took the worst of the pressure away

I was thinking of stopping the pumping but I also think if I have the milk I should use it!

 

[goddess25]

Thanks for your reply, its hard to find women who truly understand.

My story

Euan - my son born Feb 09, I never wanted to BF until he was born and he was fantastic. He latched on straight away and fed well. He continued to feed well but he was losing more and more of his birth weight and when he was 2 weeks old he was 20 % under his birth weight so we started supplementing with formula and he started to thrive. I tried pumping after every feed, oatmeal, fenugreek & blessed thistle, domperidone, gallons of water and nothing worked. Eventuall a lactation consultant told me I had insuffiencient glandular tissue and it wasn't going to work. At 5 months I only had enough BM to feed him once a day. I was so upset about it, I felt so guilty, I had failed as a mommy and what got to me the most was the disapproving looks from other mums when I pulled formula out so it got to the point that I wanted to stay home because they made me feel so bad. Anyway 2 years on, he is a thriving and happy boy but I still feel gulty.

Fast forward to Feb 2011, I had a baby girl and i hoped that it would be different this time and it has been. I have exclusively BF for 5 months but she is dropping off on weight now and I cant meet her growing needs. I am starting to feel the same way and although I know I have done well to get to 5 months its tough. She wont take formula so I know I have to keep on as we are and keep trying, I am pumping although not much comes out drops really after feeding and am eating oatmeal. I am seeing a BF specialist every few weeks and she wont prescribe domperidone again as she says its unlikey to work again.

I just feel like I have failed all over again. I can't believe that my body just wont work.

I have had PCOS since I was 18 and probably before then as my cycle was so erratic. I know this is the reason that I have low supply.

 

[Seity]

Hi goddess25 - You've done very well. Low supply is so frustrating. Nothing worked for me either. I decided to combo feed. I've managed to still be combo feeding. I'm not planning a second baby, but imagine that I'd have a similar experience to you where I get some more milk, but still not quite enough.