Breastfeeding Grief Support

[sunflower4478]

Hello Everyone,

I just found this thread last week. I've been searching around online for some good support groups.

I will try to make my story short! I just gave birth in Feb to our miracle baby (conceived with fertility treatments after years of ttc and 2 miscarriages). I've planned since the VERY beginning to breastfeed, if I ever got lucky to have a biological child.

Had a wonderful pregnancy. Was induced and ended up having a c-section (which I've come to accept). When our son was taken by the nurses to get cleaned up, he started hyperventilating so they took him to NICU. I am so woozy on medication when the nurse tells me he is there and that they want to give him formula to help supplement. I tell her that I plan on breastfeeding, won't that confuse him....but I'm assured that its just to supplement him and that I can BF when I go to visit him.

DS ends up spending almost a week in NICU with low blood sugar. I tried to BF him and it was such a battle. He'd get red in the face and flail his arms and not latch on for long. And all the while, he is getting formula to supplement. Everyone is an "expert", I have just about every staff member telling me, "do this", "don't do this", "use this", "oh, you don't need that", etc. I also encountered two nurses with attitudes, so I had to deal with that on top of everything. I really wanted at least the breastfeeding to work, since everything else on the birthplan sure didn't.

Get our son home, things continue to go bad. Being away from the NICU doesn't help, he still prefers to take the bottle. I see two LC's and hire a doula but in the end, I had to give up after only 2 weeks. All three of us were completely miserable and I was just totally emotionally and physically drained.

I cried alot the first few days after. Some days are good, and some days, I get sick of being reminded that I failed with breastfeeding. I don't like being asked if I'm breastfeeding. And I hate getting formula coupons in the mail constantly. I just got some sent to my in-laws house and it just really ticked me off (part of it because it went to my MIL's house and lord forbid they should throw out garbage...but thats for another support group! lol) I worry that because we went through SO MUCH to have our son, he'll be our only child and I completely blew it with breastfeeding. I also have days where I beat myself up for not trying harder, not advocating better for myself and my son. Some days I blame NICU for spoiling him with the bottle. The saving grace is that my little boy is healthy and thriving, so that helps a little. Its just those moments when I'm cuddling him that I wish he would breastfeed.

Thank you for letting me vent!

 

[Seity]

sunflower - It's so hard isn't it. Have you considered pumping and giving some expressed breast milk? I don't know if you feel up to the challenge, but there are some ladies who manage to get their milk supplies up and at least combo feed, some even manage to drop the formula completely. I only suggest it in case it's something you hadn't considered before.
I managed to combo feed for a year and I'm glad to be done with formula. He's now on whole milk and BF some evenings and first thing in he morning.

 

[sunflower4478]

Hi Seity,
I tried pumping but I got sad amounts of milk, like not even an ounce. I don't feel like my milk really came in. DH was concerned that I would work myself exhausted if I tried to pump every 2 hours.
Sometimes I still think about trying to breastfeed- although I stopped several weeks ago. Ugh....such an emotional rollercoaster!
I see you are in Ithaca....I'm near Syracuse!

 

[Seity]

Hi Seity,
I tried pumping but I got sad amounts of milk, like not even an ounce. I don't feel like my milk really came in. DH was concerned that I would work myself exhausted if I tried to pump every 2 hours.
Sometimes I still think about trying to breastfeed- although I stopped several weeks ago. Ugh....such an emotional rollercoaster!
I see you are in Ithaca....I'm near Syracuse!

The pump never worked for me either. I'd only get about 1 oz combined, so I stopped as it wasn't worth the effort involved.
Wow, cool, you're not very far away at all!

 

[bky]

to the new ladies (I was out of town so not keeping up on the thread)
mrs_park: Have you looked into using an at breast supplementer? I found that the best way for us to give formula because around 5-6 weeks we started having a lot of issues with breast refusal because of the formula top ups via a bottle. And even though professionals say it doesn't I think C-sections and long labours do have a big potential impact on breastfeeding and milk production. The blood loss, the surgery, I think it all can have a big impact but it's not your fault. If you can I'd say have a look for a lactation consultant in your area to see if she has any tips.

Mystique26, I think I responded to your other thread, but I wanted to let you know that I cried every day for 15 weeks and then 3-5 days a week until 6-7 months. I never wanted to let them medicate me for PPD because I didn't think I had it. I kept saying that I wasn't depressed, I was upset about my milk production, but they wouldn't help me with that. Solids made things a lot better for me. It was so nice and refreshing to not feel guilty or second guess myself all the time when giving solids started and we did it in a way we were all happy with.

Sunflower: Big I wasn't ever separated from my baby,that must have been so hard. Those first few weeks are such a killer and when things don't go well it's even worse because it's easy to look back afterwards and think if only...but you did the best you could at the time. I also don't get much from pumping. I know my baby gets more, but she didn't get enough on just that either. I'd also suggest to you a visit to a lactation consultant (A real one, so an IBCLC or a CLC) and maybe at breast supplementer (you're in the US so have the option of the Lact-Aid as well as the Medela SNS, or the tube in a bottle), even though you've stopped breastfeeding. It may be possible to get your baby back to the breast. They can be difficult to use, but I found using one very satisfying. I gave my daughter all her formula top ups in one from 8 weeks to 7.5 months when we no longer needed to do top ups.

 

[Mystique26]

Thanks bky. My PPD is getting better now and im feeling somewhat better. I still have insufficient milk supply though but I have already accepted the fact and I am offering LO as much as I can as long as I still have supply coming no matter how little. I still feel envious whenever I see other mums breastfeeding especially when I hear that they are exclusivly BFing but I am little by little accepting it.

 

[mrs_park]

Hi ladies, just wanted to give you a bit of an update.

A few weeks back I started to accept the fact that my milk supply was low and I would always have to supplement formula. I was ok with it, and forgave myself for not being able to make enough milk. I decided that formula is not poison, it is nourishing to my baby, and the main thing is, he was being fed what he needed..

I continued to offer breast first and then a top up. I tried to pump after feeds and ate a big bowl of oats each morning and drank a herbal nursing tea. I prayed everynight for my milk to increase. Each day he took less and less formula until now he is not having any formula, only breastmilk and he's thriving! He will only latch with a nipple shield, but that's ok. I think once I took the pressure off myself my milk increased.

Just wanted to say that I think you ladies are all amazing! They teach us that bread is best, but it's only best if a) there's enough of it and b) both baby and mum are happy. I think the stigma associated with formula feeding needs to go. Breadt feeding is simply not an option for everyone and that does not make you a failure or a bad mother.

Formula feeding whether it's your choice or not is not a bad thing.

Just wantedto encourage you that in some cases it is possible to work through low milk supply, it just takes a lot of work.
And if not, well that's fine too. As long and baby is healthy, happy and well fed, your doing great!

Sorry for my rambling on, hope it made sense.sorry for any typos, im on my phone xx

 

[Seity]

That's wonderful news mrs_park.
I wish all my efforts had panned out, but alas we had to continue to combo feed. At least I was able to continue breast feeding to a small extent and now we're on cow's milk during the day, but I can still nurse Gabriel first thing every morning. That's a very special time for us.

 

[Kel127]

I just realized this thread existed! Of course I find it just as our breastfeeding journey is coming to an end.

Some of you already know my story. Connor didn't latch for the first six weeks so my milk never came in properly even with pumping every 2 hours. By the time he learned to latch I was already back at work full time, and could only pump twice a day there. On a good day I could get 2- 3oz all day, but most days it was closer to 1oz.
I quit pumping the week before his 1st brithday, and went down to a morning and evening feeds only. We quickly dropped the evening feed because he wanted milk, plus he sleeps better with milk.
Our morning feeds became very special to me. Then he spend the night away from me on Saturday (my brother got married) so we missed our Sunday morning feed. He then refused it on Monday morning. He fed on tues and wed, but then refused again this morning and was upset until he got milk.
I hope this is a temporary thing but I have a feeling its not.

 

[hajis-sweetie]

I've just found this and think its a wonderful idea. I still struggle with why I couldn't BF and it upsets me immensely. I feel there were a lot of factors that could have been avoided/helped better. Ironic as my city is a BF Zone!!!

 

[hajis-sweetie]

Hi ladies, just wanted to give you a bit of an update.
A few weeks back I started to accept the fact that my milk supply was low and I would always have to supplement formula. I was ok with it, and forgave myself for not being able to make enough milk. I decided that formula is not poison, it is nourishing to my baby, and the main thing is, he was being fed what he needed..
I continued to offer breast first and then a top up. I tried to pump after feeds and ate a big bowl of oats each morning and drank a herbal nursing tea. I prayed everynight for my milk to increase. Each day he took less and less formula until now he is not having any formula, only breastmilk and he's thriving! He will only latch with a nipple shield, but that's ok. I think once I took the pressure off myself my milk increased.
Just wanted to say that I think you ladies are all amazing! They teach us that bread is best, but it's only best if a) there's enough of it and b) both baby and mum are happy. I think the stigma associated with formula feeding needs to go. Breadt feeding is simply not an option for everyone and that does not make you a failure or a bad mother.

Formula feeding whether it's your choice or not is not a bad thing.

Just wantedto encourage you that in some cases it is possible to work through low milk supply, it just takes a lot of work.
And if not, well that's fine too. As long and baby is healthy, happy and well fed, your doing great!

Sorry for my rambling on, hope it made sense.sorry for any typos, im on my phone xx

[/SIZE]No rambling, just very well said.

and well done for perservering!!!xx

 

[Nessicle]

hope everyone is ok?

Just an update from me and Ava! Just like mrs_park I accepted that formula is not poison! I continued to pump and unfortunately I still didnt get anything. I was very anaemic after losing a litre of blood and think this really affected my body producing anything. I admitted defeat and put the breast pump away. I was so much happier not struggling to get water out of a stone every day and Ava didnt have the stress of me trying to latch her on every few hours (which she hated and screamed everytime!) She's a happy healthy 3 month old and is thriving! She weighed 14lb at 12 week and 5 days! She's so clever too she laughed at 4 week old and reached out to pull her musical toys at 11 weeks I'm so proud of her!

Dont beat yourselves up girls I promise it's not worth making yourself feel shitty. We all want the best for our babies and that means a happy mummy too I'm only going to breastfeed for a week or two next time and go on to formula after xx

 

[AnnaBanana9]

I just saw this group. What a lovely idea
x

 

[bky]

Well done on feeling better Nessicle and thanks for the update!

 

[Mystique26]

Well said Nessicle and mrs_park. I agree that formula is not poison and it nourishes our babies. I have stopped stessing myself on having low milk supply. I just offer whatever I can then top up with formula. Now both me and LO are happy. I just continue to pump whatever I can, even if it's only an ounce.

 

[Nessicle]

you can only do your best for your baby and at least we have all tried xx

 

[QueenMummyToBe]

I am so pleased I have found this thread!

Our little man Tristan is now 10 days old and it has been a very rough 10 days on the breastfeeding front..

Here is our story..

https://www.babyandbump.com/breastfeeding/582868-breastfeeding-not-working-out.html

At the moment he is still having ebm so I'm not feeling too guilty but everytime I see the tub of formula in my kitchen my heart breaks

Thank you ladies for telling your stories

xXx

 

[Vilranda]

I feel sad whenever i see things about breastfeeding. I know in my heart that what I did was the best choice and my baby is thriving and eating his foods, and is all smiles. But still...a small part of me is sad that I with my own body can feed my baby. I have small little downs about it, then I get better.

 

[bky]

and

 

[lozzy21]

I havent fed Niamh for a month now, she was just screaming since it wasent coming out fast enough. I think she dident see it as a source of food but a source of comfort. Im glad i got to 4 months but feel a bit naff for not getting to 6.