Can I do this on my own? My Journey of being a single mom

[OnErth&InHvn]

Gah, i hate him.

2yrs ago today was my EDD with Wylder and he didnt even remember.
Then on top of this my grandpa is dying, 12-24hrs to live. So I bring up how its a good thing its not his families funeral because they would shove me in a corner to nurse like they did at his grandmas funeral...well this led to him saying how "funerals arent the place to make a scene" and im like its not a scene and you know it wouldnt have been, because i would of been in the back and covered up- it was ALL his mom complaining at the time...so hes sitting there getting mad telling me the funeral director would of kicked me out and since im smarter than my DH, i told him he couldnt have- that theres Laws and I kid you not, he said "that only applies to restaurants". I laughed.
I nursed DD2 for 1yr and youd think he would know or care, but he didnt apparently.
Then when it came about the credit card thing and his grandpa brought it up to him- he didnt stand up for me, just said " i dont know anything about it"- thanks *******.
On top of ALL of this, he got the job as i said....but he expects ME to ChaCha for HIS gas money while he plays video games online. Umm, no.

I want to move out so badly.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

and now i could be preg... which wont change leaving him or not, it just means he really needs to get his act together.

 

[dragondrums]

Hi, I came on here today because I have been feeling so stuck and hopeless and I found your post and it was like you took the words right out of my mouth. I have been with my dh since i was 17 and I am now going to be turning 26. As I look back thru the years all I think about is how it is the same story over and over. In the beganing we had the same problem you are having he wouldnt keep a job, he always says and still says he is trying what else do i expect him to do. He finally had kept a job for almost 7 years(off and on) but the hours were all over the place so half the time it was like he didnt have a job, and I cant say how many times I had to stop him from quiting and just walking out by telling him I wouldnt stay around and wait. He did eventually quit/fired in november and convinced me that we needed to move away so he could make something of himself because he wasnt going to get anywhere in the small area we lived in. So for the sake of our marriage and our children and the thought that maybe this is what he needs and I just need to support him. Well we moved, and lets just say I did all the thinking, all the planning, all the stressing, everything... I made it happen. We moved almost 5hours from all my family and friends. The plan was he would go to school and get a career or something while also working. Well I ended up having to be the one to work and he sat around for over two months saying he was trying as hard as he could what did i expect him to do? It also took him this long to finally make his appt. to see about getting into school. My days off were really his days off. I feel like I am struggling everyday and that I am the only one trying to push him to make something of himself and us as a family, its like he has no ambitions besides smoking cigs all day, watching tv and playing video games. He has recently acquired a job, but I just feel like whats the point, we go through the same thing day after day, year after year. He has no ambitions no thoughts about the future and if he does its like he expects it to just fall in his lap with no effort at all. The reason I have stuck through this long is that I dont want to be a broken family, I dont want to feel like I gave up, I dont want to be divorced. But I dont want to live like this any longer, I dont want my boys to grow up thinking this is all normal. The only time he does anything is after me getting angry and finally blowing up! And then he acts like I am the problem. He also does the whole boohoo poor me I might as well not live without you guys blahblahblahblah... I dont want to hear it anymore... but at the same time I dont know what to do. My credit is shot since I have been with him, we have three dogs(one I dont care about getting rid of) and a cat. I feel hopeless with no where to go and know idea how I would support us. I am a preschool teacher and the pay is not the reason I am in this field thats for sure. I am always feeling depressed, unhappy, and angry now. I dont even know who I am anymore, but I have no idea how to fix any of it. I had so many hopes and dreams and I feel like he took them from me. My family cant stand him because of all the situations he has put us in and all of it never being his fault, and I cant stand the vast majority of his family because he is just like them when it comes to work ethics and everything. Sorry for thread hijacking and the long post but your situation seems so much like mine and I have so needed someone to talk to, I usually dont admit any of this to anyone because I always hope that maybe I am wrong or that things will get better and I dont want to feel like I failed. Just writing all this has made me feel loads better, though I still dont know what to do to get myself and my kids out of this situation. I hope that your situation improves for you as well soon, and kudos to you for being strong and not only knowing what you want but trying to make it happen. I pray that both of us will find the solution and the path to happiness and contentment.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

dragondrums-
I want you to know, that im glad i could help in some way. Its not easy and it wasnt easy to even get to this point of finally saying enough is enough.
I was in an abusive relationship with DSs dad and so leaving him was a no brainer, at that time i had a place to go, it was EASY. Somehow it worked out.
DH use to be normal and nice, before he left for the Army in 2005/2006. It was after he came back summer of 2006, that he suddenly changed. Not wanting to hold a job, take care of things, be a husband, etc. he wasnt even in the Army that long. Maybe it was because I went and got him and he thought if i did that, maybe id bail him out of everything, i just dont know. Even at that time I still wanted to be believe in him and be with him! Finally, we moved several times, he had several jobs and yet we never had any money, we were always "begging/bumming/pleading" for more money because of DH. I started considering leaving, thinking it would be easier, but no open doors were there. I didnt have a job, i didnt want to work 9-5 and have my kids in daycare, public school- it would go against everything i believe. Then our daughter got VERY sick and where was DH? On the side lines. Suddenly, my mom started saying more and more ' you need to leave him' and id blow it off until finally a lightbulb went off.
"If we cant get through this life changing event, what can we get through?"
this included my daughters sickness and losing our Wylder. he was no where to be found when I needed him.
Finally, we moved in his grandpas house yet again and it was the same BS over and over. I kid you not, one random day my mom said " ill pay the $50 rent if you leave DH, if i find out hes living there, i wont pay your rent"
and i noticed doors started opening for me. If you look at my signature, im on multiple Section 8/Low income housing.Now this wont solve all my issues, ill still need money even if its not for rent. I just need to get over the hump and make it work somehow.

There are good days, even still. Then there are bad days- like today when we have to sell our washer because he doesnt have a paycheck and we have no money. I just have to know THIS ISNT NORMAL! People struggle everyday paycheck to paycheck, but not like this. Husbands have a hard time finding work, but not like this. Wives pick up the pieces of life, but not like this. Can we work it out? I dont know. I am NOT signing on the divorce papers just yet. I am moving out and giving him a year to get his life together. i will file a separation in that time period, if he doesnt get and keep a job, get a stable place to live and be a man- im done and i know I wont have any regrets. I will take my dog, my children and my belongings and leave.

I can tell you right now as of today- We have no money, zero, none. We are living at his grandpas house that is soon to be foreclosed on. He does have a job for what its worth. Our TV/Phone/Net will be turned off this week because we didnt have the money to pay the bill.

You do have options and you can do this! Everyday single moms make it work. There is no magic secret to it. I would advise you to go to the library and check out as many books on single parenting and separation/divorce as possible. Get familiar with it.
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and on a side note. I dont have money to get a pregnancy test, so ill have to wait. BUT a rather annoying funny story..
We have our washer up for sale on Craigslist. A guy comes offers $100, when we had it for $140. No way. He begins to cuss and yadda yadda (according to DH, i wasnt outside) and so now the guys on CL saying its a scam, etc. We really needed that $140. Im sort of POd at DH because i think he likely could of handled it better and I am POd because if DH had a job before now, we wouldnt need to sell our washer.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

not preggo, we ended up selling the washer tonight- YAY!

and DH needs to get to figuring out how to make some extra money!

 

[dragondrums]

Thank you for your encouraging words! I hope things will start to look up for you and your family and that some blessings come your way. I am glad you got your washer sold, though I am so sorry you had to sell it, it is so tough having children and no washer on hand. I hope something looks up for you and your dh can find some way to bring some income in, preferably consistent income and not just a temporary fix. Sometimes all a man needs is a wake up call and to realize how good they really had it and what all they have to lose to snap to it and do what it takes to improve and fix the mess they gotten themselves in. Just hang in there something is bound to give soon.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

sometime today or tomorrow i will no longer have TV, Internet and Phone. Go ahead ask me why.......

Because IF my DH had a job months ago we could of paid the TV, Net and phone bill (its a bundle and you cant break it because we live out in the boonies and its the literal only co out here) but because we didnt and couldnt and he didnt get a job until now- we owe $588.

Then we are fighting about DS (DHs step son) and he insists hes right and knows all about what i can and cant do as far as court and DSs dad, when really he has NO idea! He has NO say. Hes MY son. If i want to go out of my way and take him home because his grandparents are too lazy to work with me and his dads not involved, thats MY choice and not DHs to decide. SCREW YOU DH.

and on top of this im getting flack again about leaving Dh by his aunt because i said I was leaving the 2 cats and 3 of the 4 dogs with him. 1 because my apartment will only let me have 1 dog and because why should i have to find homes for all of them? I ALWAYS do everything when it comes to the animals. They need to see the vet- i get the money. They need food? I get the money. ME. Im tired of it.

DH is calling me a coward and a push over, no being a coward and push over would be taking this crap from him again and again and again like i have been. Not anymore. Thats why i applied at 3 places, to CHANGE things! I dont like this marriage, this life. I want my own life with my children. I want stability, reliability and to be alone. Right now, if i was on my own....Id have the internet because i wouldnt be living here and i could afford dial up internet for $10 from the phone company. Why? Because I can work for $10 and know i need to pay the bill.

I dont want it to work out in the end, I want it to work all the time. Im not running away, im walking away.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

I wish staying meant id wake up happy.
I wish staying meant youd change.
I wish I could stay.

but you know what they say about wishes that they dont tell you? That sometimes all the shooting stars in the sky cant make it come true.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today I had a doc appointment, just a check up. DH wakes up at 8am, hes needs to be at work at 9 with an hour drive, so of course hes going to be late and of course i need the car so im going to be to blame. Yes hes late and yeshis boss yells at him and then he yells at me. Then hes complaining at me for spending $20 like a week ago and how its my fault he wont keep this job either and how its my fault he wont have gas for work....im sorry but we just sold our F*ing washer for $140, i spent $20, where the F is the rest of it? I didnt spend it. Im so F*ing sorry I had to go to the Doc, how dare I! Hes known about it too, i didnt just tell him yesterday i had an appointment.
Then tomorrow I was suppose to go to MOPS, a once a month thing and tomorrow is the last meeting of the year, guess who cant go now? Me because DH is a Dillweed.

Im SOOOOOOO tired of never being able to do things, telling people we can go places and go things, be part of things....when i cant because of DH. Like this weekend, we WERE suppose to go out for DD1's birthday with her friends and we cant go.

When the F*ck will it stop? ever?

 

[Louiseandbump]

just leaving hugs

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

called the housing today- on March 29th i was #45 (when i applied)...as of today im #30!! They are still thinking 2-4mon. (place #3 in my siggy)

I CANT wait!!!
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I also wrote up the Separation Papers (CS, not LS) and Im toying around with exactly how much to ask him to pay in lieu of Child Support, but other than that I included the kids, the property, the dogs, the conditions, the requirements, and even what happens if HE breaks or doesnt sign the contract. I just feel better having this under me as if something legal were to happen, id have this and hed have nothing. He cant go in and say "she left me with nothing and i cant see the kids" because id show them a signed contract (i plan to get notarized and signing on a witness) and theyd have to listen to me......or i hope.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Yesterday DH says " well i think some time away would be good" as if he came up with the idea. Yes time away would be grand but it was all me. Its always all me.
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Also, Who is going through separating, divorce, heck even a fight and can shine roses out of their butt? Id LOVE to know! Apparently Im suppose to be. At a moms group im apart of, they are "worried" about me. Asked me if im part of a church (which i am) and how we should try and work it out. I dont know it just bugged me. I cant be happy 24/7 and I cant pretend its going to magically work out anymore. No i dont go around talking badly about DH, but im not going to sell him to you as if hes a new toy. Im frustrated, im angry, im done with HIM. I want to be happy in a DIFFERENT way. I want to wake up on my terms with my children and do what WE want to do.
So No, I will not tell anyone "its a rough patch" "we are fine" or "we are working it out". I would of moved out Months ago if i had the chance and Im not the bad guy here. isnt it better to leave someone who cant provide for his children and make it work on my own than to stay and never have anything? No, I dont want to live on Daycare vouchers, food stamps, medical cards, child support, and section 8 housing.....I dont plan to. i will have FoodStamps, Medical and technically im in low-income- not sect 8. I also plan to get more done with ChaCha.com and that will provide a small income. This is not ideal, but why is it such a bad thing? Is it not better than DH going months and months without a job?

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

well of course its all about him- how he couldnt keep a job last year and owes the electric co $1,000 and so hell be homeless if i leave him because "no one will give me a place since im a single male" and "no one will let me live anywhere without lights"...seriously? I dont care! You did this to yourself. Then he goes on about how hell give up his rights and he wont pay child support and yadda yadda but then says hell be mean and take the kids....yeah because someone will give them to you with ZERO ability to keep a job and no stability!!! I doubt it.

Just 29 more people...thats what i keep telling myself. 29 more.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

Well, We had to move from his grandpas out in the country to the city. We have been here since the beginning of July and DH still has NO job and we have NO way to pay rent. Zero. We have no phone, no tv, no internet (im at the library right now). Nothing. He got fired from his last job for "working too hard" (thats what he says, i think its because he WASNT working).

I have only moved 3 people down the list as of June.

I have asked and asked my grandma but i think at first she was just waiting to see what happened with us moving and DH getting a job. Well now i just dont know.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I have however started going back to my old church. I told a really sweet old friend and the pastor whats going on. I expected them to say "hes trying' and "make it work'...but they didnt.

Its just the same old stuff over and over. We move, he takes forever to get a job, then we owe so much to bills and face eviction..then he loses his job and on and on. Over and over.
What can I do? I applied at Frisch's. A simple waitress job, i have actually done before for them- they didnt want me. I sit here and ChaCha (WAHM bit) but thats covering gas and thats it.
He can go to temp agencies and give plasma, but he wont. Every Sunday I get a paper and theres classifieds.

So thats that. Nothing super exciting.

 

[MommyKC]

Hey there!

I was just lurking in this section and came across your thread. So are you still with DH?

I am in a somewhat similar boat, but different aswell. I've been with my DH for 5.5 years, we have two daughters together. Like your hubby, he is not mean and he is a good man. But my issue is he never really wanted children. I was the one who did, and he went along with it.
We rushed into buying a house together, and into getting married. I feel like we were two crazy people in love and we weren't patient enough. Looking back, we fought way too much but I was just so excited to get married to him that I didn't leave.
I wouldn't change anything because I have my two girls who are my LIFE... but I am not happy. I keep wondering if I should stick this out for the sake of my girls. And I keep thinking, will it be this way for whoever I end up with? Is this how life is supposed to be??? Just "ok"??? I love my life with my girls, but my relationship is just "ok".

And I feel horrible for feeling like this. Like I'm an awful person. Andin alot of ways, I'm too scared to do anything about it... I feel so trapped.

I think I am going to go start my own thread so I don't take over yours. But just wanted to say, I definitely feel your pain hun.

Hang in there.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

MommyKC- No, its not suppose to be "just ok". I understand where youre saying about the children, we have 2 girls together...but at some point you have to look and say "is this what i want my girls to think it "ok" too? Arent we as little girls suppose to believe in a fairy tale ending?

UPDATE:::::::::::

Still no phone, no job, no money. However an eviction was filed against DH (im not on the lease) and so we HAD to start looking for how to pay rent- $325 + $150 late fee. We went to a lot of different agencies for help. One wanted 3x our rent to help us- if I had $900, i wouldnt need help! Then a bunch were out of funds so that didnt help. Finally, we went to Community Action Agency and we need to turn in some papers for them to help, then a homeless prevention program is suppose to help us too....BUT......

today, i went to my church and they paid our rent! They normally wouldnt since i dont live in their area, but since im a member they will help me this one time! I was SOOOO glad.

then DH went to talk to the landlord about the late fee and they dropped it this month.

So rent is paid for August. That is a good thing. I am thankful. However, I am NOT thankful I had to be the one to get help nor get it from MY church. Dh should of done more.

I also found out I qualify for Cash Assistance, AKA welfare check, but its 30 days before they will approve my application. The max i can get for a family of 4 (if they include DH) is $507. I hate being on all this welfare stuff, but its better than sitting doing nothing or waiting on DH.
_____________________
Ever since moving here I feel like I have simply Checked out. I could care less what goes on. I really just want to move into my apartment and be done. Im still with DH for now (this county requires you live in this county 6 months before you can file anything, so December I could file).

 

[MommyKC]

I'm sorry things have been so tough hun.
I really cannot imagine.

Things have slightly improved for me with DH, to the point I'm willing to stick it out for a while. But I also am not sure I can live like this forever. You're right, we should have that fairytale ending. But now with two kids, would anyone ever really take us seriously??? In that romantic way? I dunno. I feel like any other guy would run away screaming at the idea of dating a woman with two children, unless he had a crapload of baggage himself. I feel like it's too late for me...

Anyway, I hope you figure something out soon. Nothing is worse than being unhappy with your relationship but feeling trapped in it, and then to have all the financial issues on top of it... ugh what a mess.

Does DH know you're leaving??? And by your ticker, you plan to leave in about 1.5 months right?

I hope the transition goes smoothly for you. Keep us posted.

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

MommyKC- Yes he knows im leaving and im leaving as soon as my name comes up on a waiting list. (im #20 right now)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`
Rent got paid because my church paid it and i went to a local food pantry and they paid the rest. Still no JOB. Though he has Job leads and he did sign up for a research study to pay next months rent.

I am #20 on one waiting list, so thats good. Its moving along.

my DD2 had her tonsils and Adnoids (sp?) removed last week and of course I was there, without DH, but she made it ok and is eating and breathing better.

 

[MommyKC]

I'm glad DD#2 is doing well!

I hope the waiting list moves quickly for you!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

DH got a job, a GOOD one. So far so good on that front.

I did apply for another low income housing place with a much shorter wait- 2 mo! I applied in Oct. It would be a 3bdrm townhouse up the street. I called the other low income place (in my siggy) and I moved 1 spot. ONE. I still want to move there but I think at this point its better to move out sooner rather than wait. I do however need to wait until at LEAST Feb 2012 to do anything because i need Tax Returns. I have to get a car or it will make it very hard to be on my own.

As far as everything else. I am beginning to wonder about the other aspects of separating. Now that my biggest concern: him having/keeping a job + money is at least stable. What about everything else? How will there be patience, understanding, re-connection (if any), etc be (re)learned?
I have been thinking that yes and no. Its hard to really begin to understand a person and what they do/say when they are in your face every.single.day. You see the bad things about them rather than the good things you fell in love with. Perhaps time apart would help me to see those good things again. Instead of seeing "he didnt cook dinner"...ill see "he made my favorite meal without me nagging him". I dont know thats not quite what i mean in a way, but you get the drift i hope.

So thats the latest and greatest.

 

[mkm1083]

Your story sounds almost EXACTLY like mine. Unfortunately, men like that don't change. I gets easier when you leave. The weight that lifts off your shoulders is amazing. Maybe it sounds weird but it so much easier being a real single parent than it is to be a married single parent - financially, emotionally, mentally, everything.

FYI - you don't need to stay until February 2012 for tax purposes. You can move out today if you would like. As long as you are still legally married and planning on filing as married filing jointly you do not need to share a residence. If you need any advice in this area just ask (I'm a tax accountant).

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

well i got the call about the 3bdrm townhouse.

well see how the interview goes.