Can't decide whether to have second child.

[foxtrott]

Hello, i'm new here, so i am sorry if i have posted in the wrong section.

I feel like i am losing my mind, we have a daughter, shes just turned 2 and now it's hit us that if we're going to have another child it would be soon as we have always said we wouldn't want a large age gap. So this is it, decision time (now or never) and we are stuck, we've been so sure since she was born that we wouldn't even consider another child, but now our friends etc.. have started to have second and third children I've been questioning myself, i was so sure in myself a few weeks ago and now i don't know if i'll regret not having more when i'm older (waiting a few years isn't an option for us)

But the baby stage and pregnancy has been very hard on me since my OH works away and we don't have many family or friends near by, I'm just about getting back to normal and possibly starting P/T work soon but if we have a 2nd i wont go back for at least another 4 years and i don't know if i could do that, or even handle two children, i don't think i could since i have bad anxiety. What if we had twins or a disabled child, i just don't think we'd cope.

Also we just can't afford it, our mortgage is high and if OH lost his job we'd literally have no where to live, we are comfortable and happy as we are right now, we don't want to fix what isn't broken, if we had two i think money would be too tight, we would be overstretched as parents and could possibly lead us to break up, and i don't want to be left raising two kids by myself.

Then all the extra work will fall on me, i'll be expected to have a full time job when they're in school (couldn't pay for nursery before then) and keep the house in good order, take them to appointments and doctors etc..(without a car) be the one who has the days off work when they're home sick and put my job on the line. I don't want to be called selfish for only having child for the rest of my life, or do i go with my gut, know my personal limitations and stay as we are?

But then there's that niggling feeling that i'll regret not giving my girl a sibling to share life with (she may or may not like her sibling so that's another point to consider)

I just don't know what to do, my OH is also dithering like me, but he was happy before when we decided she was to be our only child, until we started discussing it, now its hanging over us.

Sorry about the long post, let me know what you think.

Thanks

 

[minties]

I am biased, I love having two kids. When I fell pregnant with Sophie it was at a very stressful time. I was living with my mother, my OH and In had lived apart and then broken up for some months. He was living in another town. We got pregnant literally the day we got back together (well I tested positive 13 days later but it happened that night!).

Children are amazing and when they come, it never really seems like the "perfect" time but once they are here you can't imagine life without them.

My kids are best friends and I adore being a mum of two.

I do all the work, which can be difficult at times but well worth it.

I can't imagine Thomas being a single child now, at all!

 

[AngelUK]

Ideally, the only reason any one should have a child is if one really wants one. Every child deserves to be really wanted. I know this doesn't always happen etc but in your situation it seems that you don't really want another one. So don't. Who cares what other people say, it is your decision and there are plenty of very happy and well adjusted single children out there. Maybe one day you may regret not having more, I think all women feel like that at some point, no matter how many children they do have. For now I think you should do what your gut feeling is telling you. It is not selfish to have only one child at all, especially not if you cannot easily afford it. Do what is right for you and your family.

 

[petite ping]

If you are anxious about the changes that a new child will bring, you should wait a little bit longer. At least until your first is in school as this will take some pressure off you.

I found that I coped a lot better with the second baby (even with DD1 running about the place) than I did with the first. I think it was because I knew what to expect and I was a lot cooler about a lot of things. My LOs are 19 months apart and taking DD1 to daycare during the first few months really helped too. My OH also travels a lot for work and pregnancy was a more tiring that the first time round.

LO2 came earlier than I wanted (I wanted to wait a year more) but I don't regret having her. It's hard work and financially things are quite tight and I am tired all the time, but I can see already that once they are older, my two girls are going to get along a storm.

On the other hand, I always wanted more than one, it was a given, so it was never a question of IF but of WHEN.

BTW I work fulltime. My LOs are at daycare. It's true that it cost me most of my salary but for me it was important to work.

 

[bumpbear]

I think only you can figure out how much of your reasoning is your anxiety talking, and how much of it is real. I wouldn't go having another baby just because what other people are doing is making you rethink your decisions. There are plenty of very happy only children out there.

Having said that, we were 'on the fence' when we started trying for number 2. We did start trying because we knew we would regret not giving DD a sibling and wanted to keep the age gap close (even though the thought of all the work was overwhelming). I am due October 4th, still scared about all the work, but so excited to meet LO. It's going to be a fun new chapter even if I am going to be exhausted beyond belief for the next 18 years. My daughter brings me untold amounts of joy which cancels out any tiredness I feel from the work we put in and I am sure DS will just double the joy.

 

[foxtrott]

Thank you for your reply's i also think a child should really be wanted to be brought into this world, and on the one hand i do really want to have another baby, or it could just be broodiness, reminiscing about snuggling up with a newborn and having tiny baby clothes again etc.. but then i remember reality and i just don't think i could cope with it all, it's not that i'm lazy because I'm not, I'm just high strung i suppose always have been. worrying about money etc.. would make me a bad parent, do i choose good parent to one and possibly live with regret and my daughter not enjoying her childhood or have another and have anxiety most of the time and i could regret that too

sorry for rambling

 

[Quartz]

I would slow down and give yourself some time to breathe. Your first is only 2 and although it seems there is a sense of urgency to have a smaller age gap siblings get on perfectly fine with a larger one. I have a 31/2 year age gap and at the time it seemed massive (particularly when DS was born) now not so much at all and in another 10 years you probably wont even notice the difference between them and siblings that have a smaller age gap.

So give yourself up until Christmas and take stock then. I was the same and spent a lot of time treating it as a logical decision but in the end its an instinctive one. If you had asked me when DD was 2 it was a no, 6 months later it was a yes and DS appeared 1 year later.

 

[happysaurus]

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[happysaurus]

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[justmeinlove]

Totally empathise! Will try and post more later but,
A, siblings do not guarantee happiness, us only children do not just mope around having our lives ruined
B, I feel a Lot happier now I am over the ooh should we have another phase. That phase gave me headaches and stress. Now I am a Lot happier

 

[foxtrott]

Great, were you happy growing up etc..? I think my heart is telling me to stick with my only girl, i also think the stage of thinking about having another will pass thanks very much i do hope you post more later

 

[Mrs Bee]

If you only want one child then stick with one..... I'm an only child and I loved it..... My mum and I are so close.... I don't feel like I missed out on siblings as in grade 6 I met my best friend who was also an only child....we are exactly like sisters plenty of people grow up and hate their siblings......but most couldn't I,agile their life without them....there's positives and negatives to sticking to one child or adding another.... Like the other ladies have said, I'd wait a little bit longer to figure things out and not stress over an age gap

 

[jd83]

I think you've listed a lot of CONS to having another baby for your family, which to me says you are leaning way more towards another not being right for your family right now. The things you mentioned are certainly real factors to consider. Money is a big one. Having another child is twice the expenses, which can be really hard if things are already tight. It's not impossible, people make it work all the time, but its definitely down to what your expectations are for your family. Will you be okay with having much less for the family since the budget will be more stretched? Or do you prefer to have a bit of cushion in the budget so that the child you already have will have more things growing up (which is not wrong for wanting, fyi. I want my kids to have things I didn't have growing up. Not in a spoiled way, but just in general). There's no right or wrong across the board answer, its a very personal thing to how this is answered for your family.

I think its a good indicator what your gut feeling is. I'm having similar questions about having a 3rd child, as DH really wants a 3rd. But for me, I think my gut feeling right now is a "no". I don't think I could handle 3 kids. I mean, I know I'd have to if I had a 3rd, but I think 2 is my magic number for what I handle best. I feel content, and like another would be too much more stress than I could handle. ETA: but my feelings may change later as the kids get a bit older, if things become less hectic at home. You need to listen to those inner feelings, as they are typically pretty true for whether you are ready for that type of life change.

I know you said you want to have another very soon if you do, but honestly there is no rush if you truly aren't ready right now. Age differences in kids are most noticeable when they are younger, but once they get older it doesn't matter so much how many years are between them. My younger brother is 5 years younger than me. It seemed like a big gap when we were kids, but as we got older, it really didn't matter anymore. Doesn't matter at all now that we are both adults.

Your best bet is to really think long and hard about this. As pp said, having another baby IS a big decision, and for the baby's sake, should be wanted. If you have any conflicting feelings about it still, its best to wait a little longer to see how you feel about it later.

 

[CaT1285]

It's okay to have just one. It seems like many more people are having just one these days than when we were kids, so your only child will likely know a lot of other only children. There are some very good reasons to have just one child, and I seriously thought about only having just one as well. Honestly, I'm still not convinced it's a great idea to have more than one, even though I'm excited about having a second. Who wants to start all over again when it seems like you've just gotten to a good place with the first? Having only one is the opposite of selfish if you think you can create a much better environment for one than you could for two.

If you're thinking about waiting a little longer, I'll say that my sister is 14 years older than me (much larger than any age gap you're contemplating probably) and even though we didn't grow up together - she left for college when I was 5 - we were always close. She was almost like a second mom or aunt that I could tell everything to when I was younger, but now we are like any other sisters. Her kids are only 3 and 6 years older than my son, so the age gap between us seems much less now.

I know it must be a very difficult decision. It was for me before we sort-of kind-of but not really accidentally got pregnant It's probably one of the toughest decisions you'll ever make.

 

[foxtrott]

Thank you for your reply's i think I'm mentally going to try and put a ''pin in it'' for now and focus on what we have, and maybe re-visit the topic in a year, although currently I'm swaying towards having only one child. I suppose it is very very unique to every family, hardest decision to make. Will update in the future.

 

[justmeinlove]

Not all the time but that's because of parenting style and relationship, I imagine if I had a sibling we would just both been dealing with that.

I had friends! As I recall of my friends, little sisters were irritating pains who we wanted to go away ;-) and tbh now, I also think friends are most important, the family you choose for yourself after all. And I know my hb was never impressed by having a sibling!

But yeah. I had friends over a lot, I visited friends. We had a dog it's not desolation and misery! Especially I imagine if you have happy and emotionally competent parents

 

[justmeinlove]

I do understand though, I still have bone wrenching moments of Omg she needs a sibling...! But honestly, you Really don't sound like you want another. I realised how much I didn't firstly when we had a mini pregnancy scare and I wasn't sure I could go through with it, and secondly when I decided I didn't want another and suddenly became Super content ;-) we will make sure her friends are always welcome, hopefully maybe they will become friends we can share holidays with, we will be emotionally engaged with her and hopefully growing up will be a happy and wonderful time for her. I do worry about when older, but then I remind myself that I depend on my friends, and.lack of blood relationship does.not lessen your genuine bond with people.

 

[rihanna]

You might regret not having another, but you surely don't regret a child once it is here.

My no2 was very much wanted and planned but I found it very hard at first.
Now she is 1 and my no1 is 4 and honestly it was the best thing for us , we are a family , and seeing siblings together has made my life so amazing.

Follow your heart not your head .

 

[foxtrott]

Really appreciate everyone's reply's, me and my OH have had a good heart to heart tonight, and both come to the conclusion not to have another, we know obviously that we could feel different in the future and will discuss that bridge if we come to it, but we are happy and complete as we are, i think i have let other peoples opinions get into my head instead of listening to my heart and i just have to remind myself what is right for our family, and we believe that's staying as we are. Everyone is different and when i feel like I'm being pressured to have another child, i will stand my ground because it is my choice and I'm lucky to have that choice and what i have. First lesson for my daughter, do what you believe is right.

 

[justmeinlove]

Dude, some people Totally regret children! You can love but still resent the situation!