Children out of wedlock?

[aob1013]

I personally didn't want to have children until I was married, but I wouldn't judge others for not being married first - its their choice how they do things. I just liked the idea of all having the same name and being seen and identified as a unit whereas having different surnames etc can somehow give the impression you're not a 'proper' unit.I think it can be awkward at times when speaking to other parents though as you don't want to come across as asking too many questions, and sometimes if its known the parents aren't married you then end up with not knowing if the child is from a previous relationship etc so not sure what their surname is, or if its a step parents you're talking too/collecting etc. Sometimes it can be thought you're being judgemental when you're just trying to understand how that family does work.

Why?

I don't know - its from speaking to others that I get the impression that that is what they think, and so I have this perception that that is how the vast majority of society also think.

That's such a shame that people think like that

 

[aimee-lou]

For us it was the natural progression to get engaged, get married, plan a family, have a baby. We're quite traditional people in our values so we never even thought twice about it.

About the only thing that we haven't done 'properly', and I say that in the broadest sense of tradition, is that we don't own our own home, but then again I suppose things are different with house prices etc.

I would never say that it's 'wrong' to have children out of wedlock, but for me I needed to be a committed, loving and supportive relationship before bringing another life into our household. My husband and I felt that this was best done by getting married. (Oh and we also have a dog - dry run for having a baby, and we got him before we got married lol)

 

[Gingerspice]

I think the wedding bit of marriage has taken over the actual act of marriage. We didn't spend much money on our wedding because it was the act of getting married that we were doing, I didn't care that the wedding was not the average £20,000 or whatever that people spend. I think the wedding itself can become a big focus rather than the desire to stay together. At the end of the day, staying together is a decision made by each side, so if you've made that decision it doesn't matter if you spent 1 day in a big dress to show that, or have just made that decision between yourselves.

 

[Noodles]

For me it was inportant for us to be married as I didn't want my children to have my husband's surname before I did. It made it more real as a family as we could stay that we are the Smith's (not my surname but you get the idea) without being the Smith's and me being Miss Jones.

I think it's a personal preference thing.

You can always just give the child your surname?
They don't have to be named after your partner if you'd rather them have your name, and if the couples who do this then go on to get married, then the child's name can be changed too.

I know but I wanted us all to have the same name, plus being married just made us feel different. No idea why but after the wedding (when all of the fuss had died down) we just felt closer. I suppose it goes back to being a teenager when people have lots of boyfriends and the term often makes people think about it as being a casual realtionship that will come and go. Whereas when you stay husband there seems to be a level of commitment behind it, you have not only decided to be together but you have taken the trouble to save and organise a wedding to show your family and friends just how much in love and how committed to one another you are. I know that the divorce rate is stupidly high and it may seem like a naive point of view but there is just something about being introduced to a group of people are 'my wife' that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm by no means saying that my way is right and everyone elses is wrong. My mum was a single parent and I was rasied by my divorced grandparents so I know that you don't need that piece of paper to be loved and secure it's just something that I personally wanted and I'm happy that I've done it.

 

[Heulyn]

whereas having different surnames etc can somehow give the impression you're not a 'proper' unit..

Why?

I don't know - its from speaking to others that I get the impression that that is what they think, and so I have this perception that that is how the vast majority of society also think.

My B-I-L is married, but his wife kept her surname.
She has a son that isn't my B-I-L's, with her name, and 2 kids with my B-I-L, that have his surname.
They've never been thought of as anything other than a family "unit", ever, as far as I'm aware.....

I see the point you're getting at, but in this day and age, I just don't think it's necessary

 

[Gingerspice]

whereas having different surnames etc can somehow give the impression you're not a 'proper' unit..

Why?

I don't know - its from speaking to others that I get the impression that that is what they think, and so I have this perception that that is how the vast majority of society also think.

My B-I-L is married, but his wife kept her surname.
She has a son that isn't my B-I-L's, with her name, and 2 kids with my B-I-L, that have his surname.
They've never been thought of as anything other than a family "unit", ever, as far as I'm aware.....

I see the point you're getting at, but in this day and age, I just don't think it's necessary

No I know it isn't s much now, but I grew up in a very traditional family and most friends are catholic so their views are strict on things like this, which is why I have the impression that things are seen like this, although I suspect, as you say, the vast majority of people do not have this opinion

 

[Heulyn]

I know but I wanted us all to have the same name, plus being married just made us feel different. No idea why but after the wedding (when all of the fuss had died down) we just felt closer. I suppose it goes back to being a teenager when people have lots of boyfriends and the term often makes people think about it as being a casual realtionship that will come and go. Whereas when you stay husband there seems to be a level of commitment behind it, you have not only decided to be together but you have taken the trouble to save and organise a wedding to show your family and friends just how much in love and how committed to one another you are. I know that the divorce rate is stupidly high and it may seem like a naive point of view but there is just something about being introduced to a group of people are 'my wife' that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

I'm by no means saying that my way is right and everyone elses is wrong. My mum was a single parent and I was rasied by my divorced grandparents so I know that you don't need that piece of paper to be loved and secure it's just something that I personally wanted and I'm happy that I've done it.

You could have names changed without having to be married, by deed poll and such...
Also, me and my OH live together, and are "common law" husband and wife, and therefore we always introduce each other as "the husband/wife".

Just a thought, I do think marriage is a lovely thing

 

[Lottie86]

I think it's a personal thing.

I personally think it is awful that I am not married and have a baby but most people these days don't care one way or the other.

We all have different surnames in the house as I am Miss X, OH is Mr Y and Findlay is Findlay X-Y (I refused to let him just have OH's surname), which drives me mental but as my OH won't ever marry me (I'm Catholic and he is anti religion so no way will he do Catholic wedding classes) we will always be a house of people where everyone has a different surname

 

[jackiea85]

I wanted to be married before we had children, my OH's family is very traditional and has strong views on it, whereas my mum had me at 16 and wasn't married. I guess I just wanted the "traditional" set up for my kids that I didn't have... but it's up to everyone else what they do, I don't think any differently about anyone who isn't married, my uncle and auntie have 2 kids aged 11 and 7 and they aren't married but I still think of them as a family

 

[JenStar1976]

Nope, happily living in sin!!! We've been together 8 years, lived together for 7.5 years, have a mortgage and a beautiful baby boy. The different surname doesn't matter - he's still my son and we all love each other very much.

From talking to male friends of mine in the past who were in the same situation as us but then got married after they'd had their children, their main reasoning was for legal purposes: in the event that the relationship does break down, the man doesn't have as many legal rights over the child as he would have if he were married (I personally think the law should be changed, but hey). Apart from that, I can't see any real "advantage" in being married (although absolutely understand why couples do).

What's important is that there is unconditional love and respect in your family over anything else. x

 

[dannyboygirl]

To each his/her own. People get married for all types of reasons now and some aren't the right reasons n look how things turn out.. I got married because I loved my man and we wanted to be married under God as one. That's my personally choice. If you don't want to don't let others persuade you too. You know whats right for you.. God Bless

 

[bluebaby]

Nope, happily living in sin!!! We've been together 8 years, lived together for 7.5 years, have a mortgage and a beautiful baby boy. The different surname doesn't matter - he's still my son and we all love each other very much.

From talking to male friends of mine in the past who were in the same situation as us but then got married after they'd had their children, their main reasoning was for legal purposes: in the event that the relationship does break down, the man doesn't have as many legal rights over the child as he would have if he were married (I personally think the law should be changed, but hey). Apart from that, I can't see any real "advantage" in being married (although absolutely understand why couples do).

What's important is that there is unconditional love and respect in your family over anything else. x

For children born after 2006 as long as the dad is on the birth certificate they have the same parental rights and responsibilities as the mum even if they are not married

 

[JenStar1976]

Nope, happily living in sin!!! We've been together 8 years, lived together for 7.5 years, have a mortgage and a beautiful baby boy. The different surname doesn't matter - he's still my son and we all love each other very much.

From talking to male friends of mine in the past who were in the same situation as us but then got married after they'd had their children, their main reasoning was for legal purposes: in the event that the relationship does break down, the man doesn't have as many legal rights over the child as he would have if he were married (I personally think the law should be changed, but hey). Apart from that, I can't see any real "advantage" in being married (although absolutely understand why couples do).

What's important is that there is unconditional love and respect in your family over anything else. x

For children born after 2006 as long as the dad is on the birth certificate they have the same parental rights and responsibilities as the mum even if they are not married

Ooops, thanks for that! I knew it was a while ago, but I hadn't realised the law had changed! Oh well, at least OH won't have an excuse with me in the future!!! xxx

 

[OmarsMum]

It's a personal choice. It's not common here & u can't register a baby if u dont have a marriage certificate. U cant even give birth here if u'r not legally married. I know a friend who's GF got pregnant & had to go back home to give birth & register her baby under her name.

 

[iceylou]

we are together 20 yrs (omg i feel old lol), my son is 12 and we are married 4 yrs (anniversary was last sun), nicole is 6 wks. we like to do things ass ways as my darling niece puts it lol.

oh and we got my son christened on his first birthday. think we are just lazy lol

 

[blahblahblah]

I got married at 7 months pregnant. I'd alway wanted to be married when I had children, and we made a snap decision a month earlier that we would do it before he was born. I'm very happy we did it - although I don't think it's 'necessary', it gave me that sense of permanence on the relationship that I wouldn't have had otherwise.

I would also add that in the UK the whole 'common law' thing is a bit of a myth. Nomatter how long you've lived together or how many children you have, you never get the same rights as a spouse in the eyes of the law.

 

[Terrilea]

hi, i don't believe you have to get married when you have kids. My partner and I have been together for almost 7 years. We would like to marry some time in the future but have no plans to for a long time yet. Like you said you don't need a piece of paper to prove you will be together forever. The only thing I don't like is our son has his dads surname which is different to mine.

Totally agree with the above, that's my thoughts exactly xx

 

[dannyboygirl]

In USA there are still some states that do..

Currently, only 9 states (Alabama, Colorado, Kansas, Rhode Island, South Carolina, Iowa, Montana, Oklahoma, and Texas) and the District of Columbia recognize common-law marriages contracted within their borders. In addition, five states have "grandfathered" common law marriage (Georgia, Idaho, Ohio, Oklahoma and Pennsylvania) allowing those established before a certain date to be recognized. New Hampshire recognizes common law marriage only for purposes of probate, and Utah recognizes common law marriages only if they have been validated by a court or administrative order..

 

[MrsGlitz]

It's a personal choice. It's not common here & u can't register a baby if u dont have a marriage certificate. U cant even give birth here if u'r not legally married. I know a friend who's GF got pregnant & had to go back home to give birth & register her baby under her name.

My parents were living in UAE and not married, then my mum fell pregnant with me and they had a rush job small wedding two weeks after her BFP.

 

[bathbabe]

It's a personal choice. It's not common here & u can't register a baby if u dont have a marriage certificate. U cant even give birth here if u'r not legally married. I know a friend who's GF got pregnant & had to go back home to give birth & register her baby under her name.

Now that is mental! Im not married and i dont care. We might do one day in the future but not any time soon. I personally dont see people not as a family just because the parents arnt married! We dont live in the old days, we dont get shunned for having a baby out of wedlock if you want to get married before having a baby thats not an issue either, its everyones personal choice xxx