Considering at-home insemination with donor sperm...?

[Nimyra]

I'm so sorry, FireChild.

 

[c.30]

Finding a reliable donor is soooo hard!! I got let down quite a few times and it really feels like a kick in the teeth. In the end, for about 6 months, I did travel 3 or 4 hours away. I was lucky cos I was able to but it was really tough on my anxiety to do so!!

After my MC, the thought of travelling all that way again when I'd been pregnant was really hard, plus that donor was rather insensitive about the MC and said he'd only help one more time. Thankfully there was a guy I'd been in touch with for just over a year; we'd emailed a few times but he was very busy and I just thought there's no way we're going to make this happen but everything did seem to slot into place and this time I only had to travel about half an hour on the train

It always helps to have backups, yes plural. It helps if they can travel to you with you paying the costs if you can't travel to them due to time restrictions. There really are quite a lot of forums/sites out there, keep checking them regularly even if you think you have a donor. Think about meeting donors half way, I had a few offers of that; if you can do that and if you can afford it, check into a hotel/bed and breakfast for the night and then travel back for work in the morning.

My point is, there are ways around even busy lives so don't give up hope Firechild

 

[RubyRainbows]

Donor is definitely out. DH spoke with him this evening.
I live in a small area, and most online donors are at a minimum of 3 hours from me. I work full time, take full time classes, and have two step-children about 75% of the month or more. DH works full time, and frequently picks up overtime. Travel for specific timing is very difficult. Our previous donor, and the one that just changed his mind, were both local.
I have checked into a sperm bank, but it is insanely expensive- and at this time, not an option for us. I'm so tired of disappointment.

Did he say WHY he changed his mind??

 

[RubyRainbows]

From your conversations with various donors and in your own opinions - what do you think is the reason men decide to be donors?

I guess the social worker in me is curious as to what motivates them to donate?

I would assume a lot of guys (esp like college kids) donate to sperm banks for the money, but what about known donors who aren't getting paid.

I'm appreciative that there are so many out there!!!

 

[GrassRoots]

Well, I got a suuuuper strong ovulation test today, probably would have been + last night had I tested. So I'll drop an egg today or tomorrow and my donor is not being very clear. I told his wife (we're friends) I was ovulating today or tomorrow and to let me know if this cycle will work or if we need to wait until next month and she just said 'ok!', lol. I'm like....that's it? What does that mean? The past two months we've been on the same page and crystal clear about everything so IDK what to make of that answer, haha. I'm assuming this month is gonna be a no at this point which is really depressing but I guess there's always next month!

 

[Nimyra]

Ruby,

I think that many men feel a biological urge to get their DNA out there. And there is some vanity around virility.

For some it is about altruism (they may have a friend or family member who needed an egg or sperm donor or suffered infertility), but I think that is a smaller portion.

And I think once guys start doing it, the excitement of it can be a bit addictive.

 

[Mummylou23]

just letting you girls know found out on thursday that were expecting a girl xxx

 

[c.30]

Ruby,

I think that many men feel a biological urge to get their DNA out there. And there is some vanity around virility.

For some it is about altruism (they may have a friend or family member who needed an egg or sperm donor or suffered infertility), but I think that is a smaller portion.

And I think once guys start doing it, the excitement of it can be a bit addictive.

I agree with all of this especially the vanity bit. I've met some along the way whose ego's were HUGE because they were successful on the first attempt one of the websites is rife with such donors, some of whom (irresponsibly imho) are donating left, right and centre. For me, when the ego has gotten involved to such a degree, that's a huge red flag to say 'next'.

 

[RubyRainbows]

Ruby,

I think that many men feel a biological urge to get their DNA out there. And there is some vanity around virility.

For some it is about altruism (they may have a friend or family member who needed an egg or sperm donor or suffered infertility), but I think that is a smaller portion.

And I think once guys start doing it, the excitement of it can be a bit addictive.

I agree with all of this especially the vanity bit. I've met some along the way whose ego's were HUGE because they were successful on the first attempt one of the websites is rife with such donors, some of whom (irresponsibly imho) are donating left, right and centre. For me, when the ego has gotten involved to such a degree, that's a huge red flag to say 'next'.

All good thoughts thanks!

I'm still baffled that OHs coworker volunteered to donate to us completely out of the blue! He is married with grown children (he's also a minister!). And now he mentioned that he has also fathered three children as a donor in the past! I just hope his little guys are still good swimmers - since he's in his mid 50s!

Would you guys ever use an older donor?

 

[RubyRainbows]

just letting you girls know found out on thursday that were expecting a girl xxx

Congrats on your baby girl!

Nimyra - Are you going to find out what you're having?

Do you guys have any names planned?

 

[Mummylou23]

lily-may

 

[jury3]

Congrats Hopeful!!! So exciting!

just letting you girls know found out on thursday that were expecting a girl xxx

That's amazing! I can't wait to find out what our's are!

 

[RubyRainbows]

Grassroots - why is your donor "out of commission" for a few days?? I hope he comes through for you! Fingers crossed!

 

[Nimyra]

Ruby,

I think that many men feel a biological urge to get their DNA out there. And there is some vanity around virility.

For some it is about altruism (they may have a friend or family member who needed an egg or sperm donor or suffered infertility), but I think that is a smaller portion.

And I think once guys start doing it, the excitement of it can be a bit addictive.

I agree with all of this especially the vanity bit. I've met some along the way whose ego's were HUGE because they were successful on the first attempt one of the websites is rife with such donors, some of whom (irresponsibly imho) are donating left, right and centre. For me, when the ego has gotten involved to such a degree, that's a huge red flag to say 'next'.

All good thoughts thanks!

I'm still baffled that OHs coworker volunteered to donate to us completely out of the blue! He is married with grown children (he's also a minister!). And now he mentioned that he has also fathered three children as a donor in the past! I just hope his little guys are still good swimmers - since he's in his mid 50s!

Would you guys ever use an older donor?

That is an interesting question, Ruby. My rule of thumb has been that donors must be older than my step children (so older than 21) and no older than my husband (so no older than 46). I prefer around my age (31) but used a donor who was 40 in the past (ended in mc) and the current donor was 35 or 36.

After the miscarriage, I researched the stats on age of parents... and it turns out the age of both the biological mother and father matters somewhat. So older donors does increase risk of miscarriage/genetic issues (not by a HUGE amount up to the age of 40, but it gets to be a bigger issue as they get older). Interestingly enough, there is evidence that children born to older mothers have higher IQs than those born to younger mothers (perhaps due to the older mothers having more education, more stimulating environment, etc), but that children born to older fathers, have lower IQs than those born to younger fathers.

If I had had no miscarriages, I would be more flexible about age (but would still probably go to a max of age 46 just based on my age, my own fathers' age, my desire for my children to be able to meet their biological father someday if they want, etc). Having had a miscarriage now, I prefer a donor much closer to my own age - preferably between 28 and 35. I feel funny about using a donor who is much younger than me... I don't know why, just do.

What do the rest of you think about this?

 

[Nimyra]

just letting you girls know found out on thursday that were expecting a girl xxx

Congrats on your baby girl!

Nimyra - Are you going to find out what you're having?

Do you guys have any names planned?

I am going to find out. I was told at my last ultrasound that it was probably a girl, but I was just 16 weeks so it wasn't 100% sure. I'll find out next week!

We have some names we are thinking about.

Lily is on our list as well. I also really love Sunny. We'll see...

 

[firechild30]

Donor is definitely out. DH spoke with him this evening.
I live in a small area, and most online donors are at a minimum of 3 hours from me. I work full time, take full time classes, and have two step-children about 75% of the month or more. DH works full time, and frequently picks up overtime. Travel for specific timing is very difficult. Our previous donor, and the one that just changed his mind, were both local.
I have checked into a sperm bank, but it is insanely expensive- and at this time, not an option for us. I'm so tired of disappointment.

Did he say WHY he changed his mind??

It was the contract. I let him know that there were several things we could be flexible on. First, let me throw in here that he came to us and offered. After a couple of sit down conversations, I asked him to take some time to think about it thoroughly because of the commitment it requires. I also explained the process in great detail. After a couple of months, he got back to us and said he would like to do it. He went for STD test, I scheduled SA, and e-mailed him contract. After having contract for two weeks we were unable to reach him (hoping we could start inseminations this cycle). Finally, DH got him and asked what was going on, and explained that we respect any decision he would make, but please don't keep us in the dark. He said he did not want to sign contract... he wants the option of being daddy if he decides later that he wants to be, and he wants to be able tell others that he fathered the child. We never misled him about our intentions. I want to raise a child with my husband, no one else, and I do not want the child to find out we used a donor from anyone but us... and I certainly do not want someone popping in and out of the child's life whenever the feel like they want or don't want to be involved.

 

[Nimyra]

Firechild,

That is a good reason for you and your husband to walk away from this one. You need the donor to be 100% on the same page. It isn't worth the risk otherwise.

I know it is a let down, of course.

 

[RubyRainbows]

Firechild - sounds like he wasn't a good match! Your donor def has to be on the same page and respect your wishes!

 

[firechild30]

From your conversations with various donors and in your own opinions - what do you think is the reason men decide to be donors?

I guess the social worker in me is curious as to what motivates them to donate?

I would assume a lot of guys (esp like college kids) donate to sperm banks for the money, but what about known donors who aren't getting paid.

I'm appreciative that there are so many out there!!!

Our first donor was a childhood friend of mine. He offered to donate when it was determined that DH would not be able to give me biological children. We had in depth conversations about why. 1) I suffered a loss due to pre-term labor-my friend was there through my pregnancy and loss and said that since we were ten, he had never seen me as happy as when I was going to be a mommy. (I handled pregnancy very well). 2) Friend feels that I am a great step-mom and should have the opportunity to be a "real" mommy.

The donor who bailed is my BIL. My husband's entire family appreciate my love and involvement with my step-children. He said his major motivation for offering was so my child would be biologically related to DH and my step-kids. (Really would have been quite ideal)

Throughout our search of potential donors, I would have to agree that it seems most men desire to spread their DNA, and also that it gets addictive. The most interesting motivation I heard was from a donor who said he wanted to give children to people who actually wanted them because he was from a very broken abusive home.

 

[firechild30]

Mummylou- thanks for sharing! LOVE the name

Hopeful- Congrats!