daycare costs

[HerdingDogs]

I can get by but only because I get discounted rent from my parents. I only pay 900/month for a place that should cost a min of 1600. Daycare just means that I can't have any personal savings and very little extra money outside of personal and pet expenses. If I can make it to kinder then I'm good. Next year, I get a 6k increase for having an extra year of teaching under my belt and having 90 credits past my BA plus a 2k bonus for having my MS done. I just graduated in Dec. I teach in one of the best districts in the bay that is notorious around here for paying really well. And once you're in, you're in. So really hoping my coworker is right about the district likely to support me through this. I know my principal will. I just know our community can be judge and everyone knows I am not married.

I just want to make sure I can give my kids everything I had. Like my little brothers are Eagle Scouts. But boy scouts is expensive! One camping trip for two days was $500. They're in a singing group that goes on an international tour every year. It was $7k. And there are two of them. I remember going on a trip to Washington D.C. in 8th grade, but never really stopped to think about the fact my parents paid. My brothers went on that trip and I found a bill for 2.7k. I told my mom that was insane, and she laughed because that was only part of the bill and only for one kid. Ranting now. I think I overcooked my point. I know money does not buy happiness, but I never want to have to say no to my kid because I can't afford it. I want to say no because I don't want them to turn out spoiled like me hahaha

 

[HerdingDogs]

I really appreciate you all listening to me lose my s***

 

[MamaLoCo]

I don't want to make you feel guilty or anything, but you're kind of making me feel shitty about my situation. You make a lot, especially for a single mom-to-be. Like some other commenters have pointed out, you make more than a lot of us make combined with our husbands' incomes.

Your expendable income is more than enough to get through having a baby. Your mom is going to help, she's just irritated right now because she's obviously used tough love on you all your life and now she's worried about how your pregnancy is going to make her look. She'll get over it when she realizes she cares about you and her grandbaby more than what her friends think of her. You're probably still better off than those other kids and she knows that. I wouldn't fret about childcare costs, if I were you. Not only can you afford it, you probably won't need it.

As far as giving your kids everything they need, you're stressing way too far in advance. I grew up on government cheese in a run-down house that my grandparents moved out of (and into a trailer in the lot next door) to let my parents and us have. I didn't even know how poor we were until I was an adult. I had no idea that my parents got government assistance. I had everything I needed. My sister and I were Girl Scouts for a long time, we participated in lots of things in school, and we participated in extracurriculars, able to pay for my karate classes and dance team outfits, $3,000 clarinets, were in the National Honor Society, made All-State in various competitions, got full tuition scholarship offers, etc. etc. You'll be fine.

My husband and I make (together) what you make...actually, I think you make more. My family lives 500 miles away and wants me to move down there. They want me to quit my job, lose my insurance, and both of us start over from scratch with new jobs, get on Medicaid or whatever, and live in my dad's house rent free while he moves in with his girlfriend. I'm pretty sure we're turning down that offer. Not only is it offensive, I just don't think it's fair to live on tax payer's money just because we're scared of whether or not we're going to be able to comfortably do it ourselves.
People make it through, for their kids. It may not be as comfortably as you expect, but you will do it. And you will do a good job.

 

[Buffyx]

Agree with above. You don't have to have the BEST of everything for your child either..

 

[HerdingDogs]

Thank you. I preach to my students to think about how what you say and how it will be perceived, and here I am not living my wisdom. I think any mom will make any situation work because we love our children, and the child is usually none the wiser. I think part of it is I taught 5th grade last year in San Jose, and that showed me what happens when the home isn't secure. I don't want that to be my kid.

I texted my mom to see if she wanted to go to daycare tours, but she didn't respond. I'll call her.

If my child dies not have to have the best or at least what I had, what was the point of everything? The point of taking A classes, the point of graduated early from UCLA, the point of working full time while clearing my credential and getting an MS so I could work for the best school district? Every decision I have made since I was 10 was to put myself on a path to be able to give my child the best. I have never had to settle on my goals before. It kills me.

I think the root of my fear is that I know I will move mountains for my kid, but what if that isn't enough?

 

[mummytobe_93]

I think you are definitely thinking too much in to this. Kids don't need money and expensive trips (my parents have a lot of money and of course I want my kids to have the best...) but time, attention and love is far more important than any school trip.
im sure many women who are on this site are living on the bread line, so going on about not being able to afford 2k trips to Washington etc seems a bit ridiculous in my eyes.

Not living comfortably is not being able to eat and prioritising what bills you can pay that month... You are fine.

Doesn't every mother want what's best for their child? And I bet when your kids grow up they aren't going to think, oh it was great my mum could easily afford a 2grand holiday for me... No, they'll be thinking about the times and memories you made. Probably all money free!

I'm a stay at home mum and my partner works full time, he earns a fair wage but all of his money is taken up straight away with the mortgage, bills, food, our daughter etc... We have no spare money for savings or holidays but that's the way it is. We have a roof over our head, we never go hungry, our child is clothed and happy and that's all that matters at the end of the day!

 

[mummytobe_93]

And I know I'm an amazing mum and she will always have the best I can possibly give her. Regardless of whether we can afford expensive school trips and private school for her

 

[greats]

Herdingdogs, you need to relax. Plain and simple. Just remember that giving your child everything does not and will not guarantee that they will turn out to be a good person. Your child needs more than expensive sh*t, and that's your love, patience, and kindness. That's it. They will not need the best of everything nor will they care! I grew up super poor, and I paid my way through school (still going to school as we speak) without any assistance from my parents. I did swim team bc I got a scholarship from the park district that was there for poor families. So please, just stop. Like I said before, you're only 4.5 weeks pregnant!!! Worry about getting through 1st tri without any problems.

 

[jacksonl8805]

While I agree with everyone saying relaxing is important, I must also say I completely understand where you're coming from. It also sounds like we are both very Type A personalities. So for me, planning and making lists and budgets IS more relaxing than just trusting it will work out.

I also completely understand what you're saying about providing for your child, or at least what I think you're saying...because I agree My husband grew up not as well off as I did. He did participate in extracurricular activities, but worked to pay for them himself. They never took any trips. He didn't attend college, as his family never pushed for it or helped him plan.

I grew up the complete opposite. I was in any extracurricular activity I wanted, and my parents paid the bill. I still started working at 15, but was not required to pay for activities. Just car insurance, gas and cell phone. Anyways, I graduated college. My family took at least one family vacation a year and those are still some of my favorite memories.

We are lucky, as though my husband didn't attend college, he has an amazing job. While he makes more than the figure I think you mentioned, I still have the same concern you do. We do not plan on me going back to work so we won't have the daycare expense; on the other hand our mortgage is definitely more than your rent. Which, I think that's amazing your parents help you out there!

I want for my child the amazing life I had growing up. A family vacation to broaden their horizons, extracurricular activities to help them grow and thrive physically as well as socially, the best school experiences I can give them, etc.

I understand the other ladies perspective that your child will appreciate whatever you provide, and will be none the wiser.

I just wanted you to know I get it. The high bar and standards we set for ourselves because that's the life we were privileged to be provided. I also think there is no right answer. As long as your child is happy and not lacking for their needs, you're doing it right! Sorry for the book

 

[Eleanor ace]

Try not to worry, you don't need stress at the moment! The things you're thinking about like affording thousands of dollars for a school trip (which can I say is just insane, how can it cost that much, are they going to the moon?!) are way off in the future. You have plenty of time to advance in your career and earn more (although from what you've said about your income I really wouldn't worry), and for your FOB to do the same, before you need to be finding those sums of money.

 

[Ahughes]

I just died a little. My mom is not happy. She doesn't want me to have a baby in this situation. Fair enough. So she just dropped the I'm not babysitting bomb. I'm not going to whine or fight. This is my child. She did her time raising babies. But infant care Is $1600-2600 for full time in my area. Sigh. That money could go towards so many things to enrich my child's life. But to teach me a lesson, she's going to make her grandchild suffer? Or at least let me pay her. She's also a credentialed teacher. Ugh. I'd rather pay her than a stranger.

Have you priced out nanny's? I have heard some good things about care.com. A friend of mine posted her profile online and she gets a lot of nanny offers.

 

[Septie]

Please calm down. You've lived a very privileged life, perhaps you have even been spoiled. You are complaining when really you should be grateful. You complain that your brother has not paid rent (isn't he younger, since he hasn't been to college?), but you apparently pay barely the cost to maintain an apartment (there are condo fees, taxes etc that your parents have to pay!). And to complain about daycare, when really it is not your mother's responsibility at all whatsoever. Inviting her to come visit daycares could even be interpreted as your trying to make her feel guilty!! Come on! Leave her out of it, plan for the worst (daycare), and if she changes her mind - great!
Your worries about expensive $7000 trips in the distant future are ridiculous. You are 4 weeks pregnant. When the time comes, you might be married, your salary might have doubled, you might have inherited...or you might have had two more kids out of wedlock and actually worry about daily essentials, not unnecessary, show-off trips - when the kids might prefer to camp out in the garden and grill with their mom. And instead of expensive boy scouts, they could get involved in (free) community service to help others less well off.
SO - yes, think about daycare, maternity leave, saving now to help later, but don't worry about the rest now. Relax, and enjoy the pregnancy!

 

[maryanne1987]

I'm just very confused by this post if I'm honest. As others have said you are only 4 weeks pregnant. I get there are waiting lists and money issues that need sorting but still you have only known you are pregnant a week. There are women on here with genuine concerns over spotting, miscarrying, poor growth on scans. I'm sure you never meant your post to come over badly but with so many women on here worried over such important things maybe it might have not been the best idea to post something like this. By the sounds of it your issues really aren't issues at all. Just relax a bit! Enjoy your pregnancy!

 

[MamaLoCo]

Giving your child the best does not equate to giving them the most expensive.
Are you trying to be less like your mother or more like your mother? Did you feel loved as a child through material items and money, or through warmth and sincerity and knowing your parents gave you the best that THEY could personally give you?
"the best" isn't always the same for everyone. Someone is always going to have something better or go on a more expensive vacation. We used to camp out on the beach for free. We did take long vacations but to be honest with you, I was much more fond of our camping out in the front yard with ham sandwiches than I was with our trip to the Grand Canyon.

You talk about all your decisions leading up to giving your child the best but then admit that you make poor decisions about men. Every time you had sex with someone, you were making a decision to potentially make him the father of your child. You will soon learn that your decisions about men are far more impressionable upon your child than what classes you took in high school. I understand not wanting to settle on your goals, but when you settle on men, you're settling on your goal of how you want your child to be raised. Here you are, an unwed mother, that sure wasn't part of your plan but you're equipped to deal with it financially; whereas other people have to counteract other more serious financial problems because maybe they chose a job that made them happy but doesn't pay that great or they don't have the opportunity to pay discounted rent into our sibling's college fund. College funds are SO rare these days. What if your brother just got good grades and scholarships, then where does that huge hunk of your money go? I was poor and I did so well in school that I was able to comfortably TURN DOWN full tuition scholarship offers. I might've had an easy time in school and had wide open options but ultimately, I've chosen love over money and now I have a good man to be a good father. You still have the opportunity to do that too. It doesn't seem like you're even concerned about your child having a father though, just money and vacations. I'm not saying moms can't do it on their own, but it's a little concerning that it's not even on the list of your concerns about your child. You should be more focused on making sure your baby is HEALTHY, mentally and physically, and especially now throughout your pregnancy. You can acknowledge that your mom's priorities are a little misguided but how about your own?

Money isn't going to buy your child happiness or a stable father figure or a compassionate grandmother. Your psychosocial relationships with people are going to influence your child far more than your bank account, which is ample.

 

[HerdingDogs]

Sorry for the quick post. I know there are some responses I haven't read just yet, the kiddos are at snack break and I have to prep at activity.

I will try to not stress, which is hard. I am actually diagnosed with high anxiety disorder. I don't take medication for it because I can usually find ways to cope (like going to krav and taking it out on a punching bag haha). Also, I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about their financial situation. I'm going to be a single mom, and the dad is a vet tech. He does not make a lot of money, and certainly does not have money to spare. While I may make a significant more than teachers (including my own mom by almost double), I am considered low income in my area (Palo Alto, CA) for even just a single person household.

The psychological is already s*** for my kid. To grow up without a dad because the dad is not ready. I know my side of the family will love the living daylights out of this baby once it is born, but it doesn't make up for missing a whole other half. And while money does not buy happiness, I am incredibly thankful for the learning opportunities (study abroad, visits to historical places, and exposure to new languages and cultures) that did cost my parents quite a bit. Like next summer, family vacation as a graduation trip (late for my grad, my brothers grad from high school, and my elder from med school) around Greece so I also have to budget for my own room with my LO where before I could have just shared a room with my little brothers and my parents would pay.

 

[Buffyx]

Try not to worry, you don't need stress at the moment! The things you're thinking about like affording thousands of dollars for a school trip (which can I say is just insane, how can it cost that much, are they going to the moon?!) are way off in the future. You have plenty of time to advance in your career and earn more (although from what you've said about your income I really wouldn't worry), and for your FOB to do the same, before you need to be finding those sums of money.

This thing about the moon seriously made me laugh so hard!!

 

[Buffyx]

Sorry for the quick post. I know there are some responses I haven't read just yet, the kiddos are at snack break and I have to prep at activity.

I will try to not stress, which is hard. I am actually diagnosed with high anxiety disorder. I don't take medication for it because I can usually find ways to cope (like going to krav and taking it out on a punching bag haha). Also, I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about their financial situation. I'm going to be a single mom, and the dad is a vet tech. He does not make a lot of money, and certainly does not have money to spare. While I may make a significant more than teachers (including my own mom by almost double), I am considered low income in my area (Palo Alto, CA) for even just a single person household.

You're low income in that area, but certainly not in life! Lucky you have the discounted rent then.

As for your anxiety, I agree with Maryanne- there are people on here with genuine concerns about the wellbeing of their unborn baby. They have spotting and bleeding and HCG that isn't rising like they should. I get that you have anxiety, but daycare and holidays? Strange thing to focus all your anxiety towards.

You need to calm down because with all this stress you'll be lucky if you make it past the first trimester! Relax!

 

[MamaLoCo]

Sorry for the quick post. I know there are some responses I haven't read just yet, the kiddos are at snack break and I have to prep at activity.

I will try to not stress, which is hard. I am actually diagnosed with high anxiety disorder. I don't take medication for it because I can usually find ways to cope (like going to krav and taking it out on a punching bag haha). Also, I don't mean to make anyone feel bad about their financial situation. I'm going to be a single mom, and the dad is a vet tech. He does not make a lot of money, and certainly does not have money to spare. While I may make a significant more than teachers (including my own mom by almost double), I am considered low income in my area (Palo Alto, CA) for even just a single person household.

So is the father going to be part of the child's life? You haven't mentioned how he is going to help, you just discarded him and wrote as though you'd be the only support available for the child. All you said is that he doesn't love you or his child. Most guys come around and realize they're going to be fathers and want to be part of their kids' lives. If that's the case then you're definitely making mountains out of molehills and I think the father would be pretty offended to see how you feel about doing it all on your own. He has a say in how your child is raised too. What if his mom wants to provide daycare? Anyway, if he doesn't want to contribute, then the courts can make him contribute. You have so many options available that you're not acknowledging so just ... try some lemon balm tea and relax.

 

[MamaLoCo]

And while money does not buy happiness, I am incredibly thankful for the learning opportunities (study abroad, visits to historical places, and exposure to new languages and cultures) that did cost my parents quite a bit. Like next summer, family vacation as a graduation trip (late for my grad, my brothers grad from high school, and my elder from med school) around Greece so I also have to budget for my own room with my LO where before I could have just shared a room with my little brothers and my parents would pay.

Again, not everyone needs their parents' money to have these experiences. My sister studied abroad in Europe for a year. She has 2 bachelors degrees and 2 masters degrees. We both speak two languages and are well-travelled. My parents didn't pay for our education and enrichment. We grew up without money and ultimately found ways to do it on our own. Frankly, it made us much better people because I wouldn't have known how to appreciate it otherwise. Some of those 5th graders you taught also are going to do a lot better than you think they will. Take it from someone who has been there, please. My mom didn't get a good job until we were both already in college and even then, she had to file for bankruptcy when she and my father got divorced. She started giving us money from her paychecks to help support us while in college and it was maybe $150 every other week and I made the choice to work full-time through college (which is freaking hard).

...We still did a lot of the same stuff you guys did without having financially well-off parents so I'm confused as to why you think your kid won't have a good life. Are you afraid (s)he might have to work hard or something?

As far as the Greece trip goes...c'mon. Is it that unusual that they'd expect you to pay for YOUR child when they were planning on paying for THEIR kids? lol seriously...is it even important that you go? Is that a top priority for after your child is born???
You are so privileged and your parents probably wouldn't have been able to do that for you when they were your age. You're going to have to make sacrifices for your child. Your parents had to make sacrifices in order to get where they are now.
I'm so sorry to say this but you sound like a child and you need to start thinking like a mother. Most people have to learn to do all this stuff on their own long before they become parents and that's probably what your mom wanted for you.

Maybe once the morning sickness kicks in, you won't have the energy to stress out so much about what's going to happen over a year from now. You'll be too busy trying to force feed yourself, get all the vomit out before you have to go to work, and stressing over whether or not there will be a heartbeat at that first prenatal appointment.

 

[jacksonl8805]

With as much support as I have seen going on on many message boards, I am shocked by this one. I know it's not as long as others but when we started TTC 2 1/2 years ago I joined.

I too have experienced miscarriages, spotting and unexplained infertility. I know there are MUCH worse experiences out there but I am blown away by the immense amount of judgement being placed on her.

If you find her post so offensive and her life so "spoiled and privelaged", why bother posting? My understanding was this was a place for support and positivity. Not degrading judgmental comments about how her worries aren't valid.

I find this so disappointing