daycare costs

[MamaLoCo]

With as much support as I have seen going on on many message boards, I am shocked by this one. I know it's not as long as others but when we started TTC 2 1/2 years ago I joined.

I too have experienced miscarriages, spotting and unexplained infertility. I know there are MUCH worse experiences out there but I am blown away by the immense amount of judgement being placed on her.

If you find her post so offensive and her life so "spoiled and privelaged", why bother posting? My understanding was this was a place for support and positivity. Not degrading judgmental comments about how her worries aren't valid.

I find this so disappointing

I know I didn't call her spoiled. Someone else said "possibly spoiled." My sister always thought I was spoiled - based on how our parents treated us...in that case, it's pretty clear that her brother is the spoiled one lol.

I also don't think people excessively worrying about spotting after being told repeatedly that it's normal is necessarily more important. She shouldn't be scared into thinking her pregnancy is going to go bad - it's nice that she seems to not have irrational concerns about miscarrying.

I'm trying to show her from firsthand experience that her worries are excessive, not invalid. It's also important for people to hear that other people had very different lives and appreciated much different things. Perhaps if she didn't experience the same struggle, she might not realize that what she might perceive as bad was actually what others saw as good. Pointing out that we cherished our cheap vacations a lot more than our expensive ones seems like a perfectly valid way to ease her concerns.

I don't even think she struggled less. I'm a psychologist and it's obvious we just had DIFFERENT struggles. As kids though, we don' t really see them as struggles, they're just our lives...that's what I'm trying to get her to remember. We didn't have money - I didn't know it. I was a happy kid and didn't care. Her parents were a lot harder on her and mine were probably a little more warm and understanding. We both got different pros and cons and I know if we traded places, we'd appreciate what we DID have a lot more.

I'm only saying this because I do feel like maybe I've been the most blunt with her about the financial aspect. You may see it as judgment on my part but I could perceive almost everything she's said as judgmental and misguided on her part too. It's like she's saying if her kid gets anywhere close to having a childhood like mine then they're going to have a terrible life...and that's simply not the case.

I think commenters are just getting irritated because every time they offer support, or let her know that they had all the things she's worried about, she just brings up another example of how she's being given the world and having to face reality of paying her own way when most of us have been living that reality all our lives.

I honestly think her priorities are going to change drastically over time and she's going to realize that she has a better grasp on this than a lot of other people, possibly even better than her own parents and I'm rooting for her and for that to happen. I have friends who grew up in a similar culture with moms just like hers and it was always painful to watch. I also have "privileged" friends whose parents were also still financially supporting them despite their own financial stability.

Herding, no matter what you do, life is never going to go exactly as you plan it. You can't change the past either. It's about accepting what you've done, what you have, and always striving for better. Be forward focused. People in poverty have kids to go on and become millionaires so you never know what's going to happen.

 

[maryanne1987]

I personally don't feel anyone is being over the top with their opinions. I too agree it is great the poster is not obsessively worrying about miscarrige etc. but the facts are she is only four weeks pregnant. And she is surrounded by ladies in horrible situations. A little sensitivity for other people's situations doesn't go a miss. Sometimes it is good to be told if you are being a little over the top and worrying about things that don't really need to be worried about just yet. I think the point most people are trying to get across is she should relax and enjoy her pregnancy. So much can change in a short amount of time. Yes it's good to pre plan and be organized, but not to the point it's stressing you out when ideally in the first tri you should focus on being calm for the baby's sake.

 

[Buffyx]

I agree. It's fine to express your worries & concerns, but then in the same breath we get told how privileged one is, and even with the amount of money she is earning that her child still is going to "suffer." It makes all of us who earn less feel pretty crappy about the futures of our own children.

We are simply just stating that she should stop worrying, stress less & relax.

 

[Tiff]

I cannot believe some of the comments on this thread! Yes, the original OP makes more money than most of us on here (myself included) but that's no means to invalidate her fears!

Having to budget for another human being is scary, even if you have "more" to play with than others. So she should just sit back, relax and live the life of Riley? She's worked to get herself where she lives. Also, the US has horrible Mat Leave, even here in Canada we get 1 year off. Most of my friends in the States had 6 weeks paid leave, then back to work.

She's also freshly pregnant, dealing with her Mom being very disappointed in her, trying to figure out what she's going to do (and yes she has more options, but still!!!) and comes on for a vent and gets slammed. Unreal!

So basically, unless you're living close to the wire... you have nothing to complain about. Her original post was about her Mom being upset with her and saying that she refuses to watch her baby. Then it escalates into she should be happy because she's well to do. Smh.

 

[Buffyx]

This isn't the first post I've seen about how well off she is.

Just like you guys think we are twisting her words, I think you're also twisting ours.

 

[Tiff]

Feel what you want. But if you can't be supportive, or disagree with her just move on to the next thread. This is a support forum.

 

[Buffyx]

I comment on lots of threads being a supportive member.

 

[Tiff]

I comment on lots of threads being a supportive member.

And that's great! But if you have a problem with a member's posting, then please press the "report post" button and let the moderating team deal with it. If you don't think its report worthy, then chances are its best just to move on to different threads.

 

[MamaLoCo]

She's worked to get herself where she lives. Also, the US has horrible Mat Leave, even here in Canada we get 1 year off. Most of my friends in the States had 6 weeks paid leave, then back to work.

She's also freshly pregnant, dealing with her Mom being very disappointed in her, trying to figure out what she's going to do (and yes she has more options, but still!!!) and comes on for a vent and gets slammed. Unreal!
.

So am I proving your point further if I take this time to point out that your friends in the states who get ANY *paid* leave are extremely lucky? FMLA mandates that we get at least 12 weeks of UNPAID leave and that's what most of us get, and are lucky if they haven't found a loophole to fill our position while we're out.

I don't think anybody is slamming her. How is anyone supposed to get through to her WHY she's going to be okay without sharing their own experiences? How useful is it going to be for her to just have everyone say what she wants to hear? Empathy isn't possible if you've never been in that situation. If everyone just agreed with everyone and coddled each other, I definitely wouldn't post here because I wouldn't find the "support" very productive.

If I was whining about my morning sickness and people jumped in about it will pass soon and how much worse theirs was, I'd appreciate having something to compare myself to and appreciate that I wasn't in their shoes. What I wouldn't want is everyone agreeing that my once-a-day vomiting and nausea that subsides by noon everyday is just the most miserable thing ever. I'd rather hear that I'm being dramatic. - because it's true. I'm only 9 weeks and it's gone already. Compared to others, it really wasn't that bad at all and knowing that helped me get through it like a big girl.

anyway, psychologically, her mom's used tough love on her all her life and it's done well so arguing that us doing the same is counterproductive somehow doesn't really make sense

 

[Tiff]

She's worked to get herself where she lives. Also, the US has horrible Mat Leave, even here in Canada we get 1 year off. Most of my friends in the States had 6 weeks paid leave, then back to work.

She's also freshly pregnant, dealing with her Mom being very disappointed in her, trying to figure out what she's going to do (and yes she has more options, but still!!!) and comes on for a vent and gets slammed. Unreal!
.

So am I proving your point further if I take this time to point out that your friends in the states who get ANY *paid* leave are extremely lucky? FMLA mandates that we get at least 12 weeks of UNPAID leave and that's what most of us get, and are lucky if they haven't found a loophole to fill our position while we're out.

I don't think anybody is slamming her. How is anyone supposed to get through to her WHY she's going to be okay without sharing their own experiences? How useful is it going to be for her to just have everyone say what she wants to hear? Empathy isn't possible if you've never been in that situation. If everyone just agreed with everyone and coddled each other, I definitely wouldn't post here because I wouldn't find the "support" very productive.

If I was whining about my morning sickness and people jumped in about it will pass soon and how much worse theirs was, I'd appreciate having something to compare myself to and appreciate that I wasn't in their shoes. What I wouldn't want is everyone agreeing that my once-a-day vomiting and nausea that subsides by noon everyday is just the most miserable thing ever. I'd rather hear that I'm being dramatic.

But that's how you are, as a person. Not everyone is like you So that's great for you, but how you view things does not mean that's how everyone else on this forum feels, if that makes sense?

Not to mention, there are ways of being empathetic and supportive without doing direct digs at a person. The thread was started with her being upset about her Mom and her mother's refusal to babysit. Even if you have all the money in the world, not having a supportive family still hurts I imagine.

ETA - And tbh, she may get it that she can calm down soon enough! But freshly pregnant with a very unhappy family is tough, new, and scary.

 

[HerdingDogs]

So much judgement/ rage going on lol. I'm going to chalk it up to hormones. Thanks to Tiff though. That was very sweet of you to defend me. I agree, if you don't like what I have to say or don't have anything nice to say.. don't click on my thread? Even my 2nd graders know to walk away from a conversation they can't contribute positively to.

Not that you need to know, but you all don't know my life. I am privileged. I have lived and still do live a very blessed life. I am thankful for it every day. It's why I worked as hard as I did growing up because I knew it was a lifestyle I wanted to maintain for myself and my future family.

But for those of you who want to jump down my throat because I have had more than you had or can, in your mind, give my child more here's a two second snapshot of HOW I got what I got. My father died when I was four years old. He drowned saving another man's life. Before that, if you read what I mentioned before, my family was incredibly poor. Charlie Bucket and the Chocolate Factory poor. I have what I have because my mom married a man who was also from a poor background but worked his way through law school and made good choices with his money. My college, my car, and my rent until 3 years ago was paid with what I consider my father's blood money. Money I only have because my father is dead. So before you s*** all over me, I would give it all back to have my father alive.

So I apologize if I upset anybody by being financially concerned. As a single mom who lives in a very prosperous neighborhood and because the standard of living is so high and the price of living is so high I do struggle financially you may think my concerns are invalid. And I already mentioned I am more typing to sort out my thoughts than anything. I also mentioned I have high anxiety. I have a lot of thoughts. I have the same thought a lot.

And as for being ONLY 4 weeks pregnant, thanks for slapping me in the face on that one ladies, here is why I need this sorted now:

1) I can't risk losing my job so I need daycare figured out now. Like I said, the waiting lists are already being filled.
2) If I have to end up rehoming a pet, all of my pets are young right now. They would be easily adopted and able to adjust. I need to make that decision soon.
3) Who gives a flying eff what week I am?!

 

[MamaLoCo]

For the record, I don't really care how far along you are and I never made that an issue. I think all these concerns should exist BEFORE anyone even has unprotected sex (even then, accidents happen with protection). If you're thinking about not keeping the baby, then I feel like maybe you did need to hear all of that. I never got the impression from you that was even an option though.

I'm sorry if you think my offering first hand experiences wasn't contributing positively.

I even pointed out that you're better off than your parents were at your age. Clearly I was right and you have known that all along so maybe pointing those things out should have been helpful. I don't understand why you think you wouldn't be able to do it when your mom was able to do it.

That's kind of a slap in the face to your mother. I'm pro-choice but do you realize how distraught she would be if you decided not to keep it because you didn't want to go through what she went through? She might perceive that as you saying she wasn't good enough. Does she know that her reaction is contributing to your considering ending the pregnancy? Maybe she'll finally ease up on you a little bit.

I'm sorry if you were offended by anything I said but I feel like this last post of yours just confirmed most of it so I honestly don't think it was out of place. I think, oftentimes, when people are being obsessive, it's important to point out the other side.

I hope you don't have to rehome your pets either. I'd be distraught to give up any of my fur babies.

I'm going to PM you too because this site will delete posts about this subject matter.

 

[maryanne1987]

I think Hun the best thing to do is not to take things to personally. I know it's hard but I do feel when you chose to put things out there people will have their own opinions be it good or bad. Plus sometimes there are times when we all need a little tough love. The reason I chose to comment is because your situation was very similar to the situation I found myself in with my ds. I was 18 when I found out I was pregnant and his father chose not to be involved. I was in a very good job though and financially secure but like you I had worries regarding how I would manage with daycare, manage rent, would I be able to keep up with my job. I had no family support what so ever. I spent my entire pregnancy worrying myself to the point of making myself ill. I personally wouldn't want to sit back and watch another woman do the same to herself as I've always regretted it, I felt I missed my sons pregnancy due to over worrying. Yes it is good to be organized, plan ahead, but my point in saying you are only four weeks is maybe you should give yourself a week or two to get your head around being pregnant before stressing yourself. Being newly pregnant is scary, especially when it's your first and even more so when you know you will be raising a child alone. Just try and go a little easier on yourself!

 

[mummytobe_93]

I think a lot of people are just trying to tell you to just try and enjoy your pregnancy. It goes by so fast and before you realise it its over and you look back and realised you never enjoyed it at all.

Have you tried making a list of all the things you need to do and by when? And cross them off? Might make you feel a bit better about he situation and more in control. Just an idea?

 

[HerdingDogs]

Real talk, I stopped really reading so I don't know who said what. All I know is I left a post at 10 during my snack break, and by lunch it was WW3. I don't take anything personally. Not only is everyone entitled to their opinion, but it's just that. An opinion. I do appreciate the feedback and having the space to vent/ process my thoughts.

My mother is kind of the most amazing person ever. I tell her that every day. Even in the last week with this strain on our relationship. She knows she's my favorite person ever. In fact, when I was engaged years and years back I told her and the first words out of her mouth were, "I will not be your Maitron of Honor. Don't even ask." Which is exactly what I was about to ask haha.

I'm kind of done with this thread. To those who lent a listening ear and gave advice, thank you.

 

[jucybee]

I live in Northern California myself and I have to come HerdingDogs defense. California is very expensive. Her salary might seem high but you have to remember, salary is high here. Cost of living is high. I understand her stress. Might seem trivial but it is difficult when you work so hard to be at a certain level and you want to stay there. Nothing wrong with that. I am going through this myself. I want to stay in Roseville/Rocklin but because of the extra addition I have to broaden my scope. And sorry, but Sacramento is crappy place to live. I have been to Palo Alto and it is an expensive place but I can understand why she wants to stay. I started stressing when I found out i was pregnant because daycare is expensive and I do work full-time. She just wants her child to have the same experiences as she had. She is also probably thinking that eventually she should have to move out as well. I grew up project poor and work extremely hard and to set an example for the niece and nephew I am adopting.

 

[HerdingDogs]

Awww thank you! I appreciate that. Congrats on the adoption and the pregnancy!!! That's very sweet of you to take them in. Lucky kiddos.

 

[Tiff]

Thread closed at OP's request.