Dealing with unwanted advice

[Rachel89]

Hi ladies!


How do you deal with unwanted advice?

Recently GIL has been demanding us on how to raise our child even infront of guests. Telling us we HAVE to give him water NOW, even though we have explained over and over that we will not and why not (unless LO is constipated).



Recently FIl has emailed us about which languages we HAVE to teach our child, and to NOT teach him x language. We come from a multicultural place, where it is common for kids to be able to speak at least two or tree languages fluently. And he told me NOT to use my own maternal language and that we definitely should not start with that.

GIL repeats it certainly 5 times at each visit, and it becomes worse, i.e. she doesn't just boss us around about water but other things. I speak up, but she doesn't stop and doesn't listen.

Prior to that FIL told us which convertible seat to use, which we must use, and is perfect for HIS grandchild. Ater we already told him we chose one after weeks of research. Ater that we kindly told him we appreciated his input but still want the one we chose. And then he said, well your problem then, I was going to buy him x carseat, but since you both think you know better so now eat the price. Wow! We already were going to purchase it ourselves, but really?


Wow! I want to know how is the least disrespectful way of telling them we do not need them telling us how to raise our child nor do we want their constant nwanted advice. I want to keep the peace, but I don't know if it is worth my sanity. I really want to tell them that if they do not stop and respect us as parents, they will not be seeing us or their grandchild. Sorry but it cannot be healthy for him to see others disrespect his parents like that once he can understand.

 

[cmarie33]

I'd just have to thank them for their advice and concerns but you and oh are bringing lo up how you two see fit! my mum is the same! She drives me crackers then sulks when I tell her off!

 

[preggymammy]

^^wss

Or you could just not and agree then just ignore it

 

[Unexpected212]

I just tend to take it all with a grain of salt. They can tell us till their blue in the fact but I'll raise my LO how I want.

Just thank them for their advice but reinforce you'll be raising your child how you see fit. They've had their turn to raise their children how they wanted.

 

[Rachel89]

Yes, and that is it. They really go on and on and on! And to make me even more annoyed they tell me things like. Oh LO hasn't slept through yet? ( he wakes up for 1 bottle at 12-1 am, but sleeps from 6 pm till 6 am!!). WEIRD, MY KIDS SLEPT THROUGH SINCE 3 MONTHS and ALL BABIES DO! This from MIL.

Sure if the average baby was such a terrific sleeper, they wouldn't say that parents lose the most sleep during the FIRST year of a babies life.

What gets to me, is that they go on and on during every visit, they do not just mention it once. Even after we politely told them we are doing it x and y way, I cannot take it anymore! It really isn't fun you know? Every time we go to hear them not just tell me what they think is best, but they COMMAND us to do things, that is the difference. Telling us we NEED/MUST/HAVE to do it so and so manner..and sometimes even in the moment telling us to do it NOW. That really has to stop :-/


And if we tell them something, have told them it's out turn to parent before, they get pissed at us, and tell us fine we won't mettle anymore and will distance themselves (they have done that when it came to the carseat). :-/

 

[LisaL79]

Honestly.... whenever my mom or MiL give advice, I just smile and nod and still do things my own way.
They can give advice until they're blue in the face, but it doesn't mean I'm gonna do it.
It gets tiring hearing things over and over, but it's better for me to just let them say their piece. Thankfully they're not that bad though, so not sure if it would work if they were a bit more aggressive w/ their advice giving.

 

[Rachel89]

Yes, and it is the aggressiveness that makes it so that I cannot take it. There is a difference in..shouldn't you do this or this? Versus..you have to do this..and you DO NOT have to do this.. and DO THIS NOW or else it's bad for him. And not just in private but in front of company! I just want it to stop =( It makes everything so unpleasant. It makes not even want to see them anymore, because they are constantly criticizing and bossing us around.

I mean how dare you demand me not to teach my child my own mother tongue?

 

[robinator]

I've found it best to just change the subject. Don't even acknowledge it.

If they keep on about it, keep changing the subject.

 

[Rachel89]

Has ignoring their advice even when they are demanding and being bossy, so not just giving unwantd advice worked for anyone? I have been doing that for the past 5 months with no success! FIL wil even email me things. They really keep going on and persisting, so if I would ignore they would make sure to go on till they get a reaction out of me.

:-/

 

[robinator]

It has worked for us, but it is not a matter of just ignoring and then having silence, iykwim - it's about changing the subject. Changing it sends (or should, lol) the message that you're not willing to engage it whatever battle it is they want you to.

With my FIL, it's a constant need to change the topic because he can be dense. Eventually he catches on, until the next thing he gets fired up about. Then we have to do it all over again

Or just straight up tell them that they've had their shot at parenting, and now it is your turn, thankyouverymuch.

 

[AP]

I think its shameful that your are being bullied into things (or at least, almost) Can your DH not speak to them?

Mine were a bit interfering at first and it took a few blow ups before they now think twice!

 

[TryinFor1]

[IMG]https://i1233.photobucket.com/albums/ff383/rldc6f/1361884312938_zpsd4fcead3.jpg[/IMG]


Sorry picture isn't that good. lo wasn't happy I was taking it. Lol

 

[Rachel89]

I think its shameful that your are being bullied into things (or at least, almost) Can your DH not speak to them?

Mine were a bit interfering at first and it took a few blow ups before they now think twice!

DH has, but it seems to not be helping. I think we need to be agressive too, but I know it will have negative consequences (them maybe not wanting us to come over, being bitter, distancing themselves). But I am thinking that that might be better than this.

LO also used to always cry with MIL, and now that he cries less and does not scream anymore she has chimed in as well. Even referred to herself as mama to LO.

 

[AP]

^babygrow - sorted

 

[jd83]

It sounds like THEY are being the completely disrespectful ones! I would also be really angry if family were DEMANDING me to raise my child in a certain way, use certain things, etc.

I think the approach I would use is to have a conversation between DH/you and them. Let them know how you both feel about their unwanted input, that you would like to make your own parenting decisions, they are welcome to occassionally make suggestions which you may or may not find in lo's best interest, but demands are not their place as they are not the parents. If they continue to DEMAND how you raise your child, then if it were me, I would be limiting the time they spend with you/DH/baby. I don't believe in cutting family off completely, but certainly limiting the time they have with your baby may prove your point to them. And hopefully they will change so that you can restore a better relationship.

 

[LisaL79]

Maybe you just need to be very frank with them. If they get all pissy and distance themselves, then that is their problem and their loss.

Being polite about it is nice and all, but if youve already tried then maybe you need to be a bit more forceful as well.

Difficult situation and im sorry you have to deal with it.

 

[Rachel89]

Thank you ladies and sorry for the typo and unclear references in the OP, I have edited them.

It sucks because they are going to put it all on me, but I guess it's how it is going to be. We have dealt with a similar situation during pregnancy and they really took it the wrong way. MIL said in a mean voice, if you guys don't want my advice then fine, I will not tell you anything anymore. Apparently people cannot tell you two anything!

And she was livid! Uhm, according to her if I were to walk barefoot I can cause my baby damage? And she would go on and on about that and other things. Do you really think I want to hear that crap all the time?telling me what I should and should not do.

They cannot accept: "we appreciate your advice when we ask it". It is all or nothing with them and they distance themselves and become bitter towards us.


@Tryingfor1 I love that shirt!!!!

 

[aliss]

I wouldn't ignore it, or it will never stop. If you agree, then they will give that a green light to continue.

What I did in this situation was send them an email and let them know that I make my decisions based on what I feel is right, and I will not be disrespected. A lot of people are scared to do that, but it works (at least it did for me).

We are on baby #2 now and I have not received any unsolicited advice. I did get one water comment but I shot it down quick and it didn't go beyond that.

Here's the thing - people who are overbearing thrive on weakness. If you show you are weak, they'll take you to town on it. Stand up.

(Oh that language thing annoys me too, I also got the same. Of COURSE I will speak my language to my kids, good grief)

 

[Rachel89]

Ladies thank you all for your womderful advice, and if you would have any more, it would also be appreciated. Bnb really helps

I'm going to let OH take a look at this thread.

 

[veryfondoftea]

I really want to tell them that if they do not stop and respect us as parents, they will not be seeing us or their grandchild.

I'd say exactly this! Everybody and their pet fish seem to 'offer' advice when you have a baby, but it sounds like the aggressiveness is what's really getting to you. It does sound a bit unhealthy and certainly disrespectful to me and therefore I'd err on the side being pretty blunt with them.