Dilemma

[crownest]

I have a number of friends who are TTC , I was mindful of this and I emailed each one separately to say I was pregnant (I had to do it earlier than I liked but the secret got out even though I live in another country). I had decided not to post anything on FB because I know it upsets people when they see another picture/ announcement but here's my dilemma all my family and IL including extended family and friends want to be updated and sent scan pictures but there are so many of them and each uses something different viper, what's app, fb message and email it's a nightmare contacting them after scans doctors visits. My OH who hates FB has suggested just posting pictures on FB with everything ok comment to make life easier. Would this be very insensitive should I just wait until people lose interest and someone else announces pregnancy.

 

[happynewmom1]

Hmmm I find Facebook easy which is why I use it. If you know who it would likely hurt to see certain posts, maybe it would be easier just to block those people from seeing only pregnancy related things. I think you can choose that when you post... Custom settings or something. But they way everyone else could see it. Either that or do a monthly newsletter you could maybe mail out? Although in my tired brain, that sounds like too much work

 

[crownest]

Blocking people from posts could cause some people to get upset, I think I can't win whatever I do or else I'm just over sensitive to people's feelings with all the hormones spinning around

 

[happynewmom1]

Blocking people from posts could cause some people to get upset, I think I can't win whatever I do or else I'm just over sensitive to people's feelings with all the hormones spinning around

I do see the problem I hope you are able to find a way to do it that won't upset others too much. I know it's hard! We will have to decide what to do about it too when we decide to announce.

 

[spunky84]

I would do the Facebook as it's what is easiest.

I agree that blocking certain people from your pregnancy related posts might upset them. I really think it's for them to decide if they can handle seeing it.

Having been on the side of being upset by seeing pregnancy related stuff, I pretty much put up with it and coped with it the best I knew how, but I had the choice to block it from my end (which I never did).

It's a tricky situation. On one hand you want to share your pregnancy, but you're also trying to think of how it might upset others. I don't mean this insensitively to your friends, but I think you should still post it. Let them decide how to handle it, but you have to keep in mind that there is a possibility that a) they could block the content - never comment or 2) potentially delete you for the time being.

I'm also in your situation - though I've recently deactivated my FB for the time being so I can focus on other things I need to be worrying about right now.

A couple of FB friends have had losses. One had the same due date as me and miscarried. She ended up deleting me. It stung a bit, but having been on her end, I completely understand and have given her the space she needs. The other one stayed on.

Keeping in mind that I do have FB friends that struggle with pregnancy posts, I've always tried to limit my pregnancy posts. I don't post constantly about my pregnancy. If I have something I really want to share, either a post or a picture, I'll do so, but I keep it to minimum, trying to respect their feelings. No, I don't have to limit what I say or post, but it's my decision to do so out of respect for them.

Again, it's a delicate situation and only you can decide the best way to handle it. I think it's great wanting to be sensitive to your friends, but also enjoy your pregnancy, but also realize that your friends may need some space (and it's not personal, even though it may hurt).

 

[Spudtastic]

Here are a couple of options for you...

1) Say you will do group email newsletters. Contact everyone and ask if they would like to be on it and what is their email address.

2) I've heard of some password protected type blogs (sorry i can't remember the names of some but a distant cousin had one). It wasn't public internet domain but needed a password to see. You could therefore privately blog about your own pregnancy and provide the password to chosen people.

Honestly you shouldn't then feel obliged to update people via their chosen social media method/communication. You will have given them the choice if they want to see or not.

Good luck.

 

[crownest]

Thanks everyone I have 2 good friends who I know I won't hear from until after baby is born and I am totally fine with that they are still good friends. I suppose it's harder because was told I was going to have problems and to only try for 6 months max and then to go back to doctor but luckily it happened very quickly. I was very open about it and friends and aquitainces came forward and told me there struggles I guess that's what making it harder for people.

 

[Spudtastic]

Crownest - I aslo just want to say that I am also one of those people that struggled getting pregnant with no2. I had a mc in July and an mmc in Dec/Jan. I did not hold any blame/grudges etc to people who got pregnant/announced their pregnancies and had scan photos etc on fb during this time. Yes it made me cry. Yes it reminded me about my loss but I chose to still see those posts because they are my friends and I am happy for them. It's very kind to think about others but I chose to still use fb. Like I chose to still take dd to the park and her activities where I still saw my pregnant friends or their new babies. Often I would cry on the way home from those outings but I still chose to go.
I'm not sure if this helps or not. I'm just trying to say whilst I was upset I was still happy for my friends.

 

[ajarvis]

It's your pregnancy. Your happy time. You have the right to share it on facebook and with the people you love. If these people are truly your friends they'll be happy for you. Even if it hurts at first. they most definitely won't begrudge you.

Also P.S I had a MMC in December I was 12.5 weeks. I've had a few pregnancy announcements on my facebook. I am happy for each and every one of them

 

[spunky84]

It's your pregnancy. Your happy time. You have the right to share it on facebook and with the people you love. If these people are truly your friends they'll be happy for you. Even if it hurts at first. they most definitely won't begrudge you.

Also P.S I had a MMC in December I was 12.5 weeks. I've had a few pregnancy announcements on my facebook. I am happy for each and every one of them

I really think it's a personal and individual thing. Some can handle it better than others. So if someone has to disappear for a bit, I don't think that they aren't true friends.

I was dying inside (2 losses prior to DD) every time. Some days it felt like pregnancy was thrown in my face. It was a very confusing time as I was happy for the people in my life, but at the same time it was killing me.

I always did my best to be happy and support them, but I also had to take care of me, so I had to set boundaries. I will say I avoided baby showers like the plague. There was just no way I could get through it. I still did something in my own way for them, but I couldn't go to the shower. For my friend, I just drove to visit her (with a gift - 3 hour round trip) and spent some one on one time with her. My SIL, I made her baby shower cake.

So I think it's really a personal thing. Everyone handles their losses and ttc issues differently. It doesn't mean that they don't care. It just means that they are doing what they have to do to take care of themselves, even if it's setting boundaries.

The OP should definitely be happy and excited about her pregnancy, but I think if her friends need some time away, it doesn't mean that they aren't true friends; it just means they to set boundaries so that they can take care of themselves (as long as they aren't tearing OP down in the meantime).

 

[ajarvis]

It's your pregnancy. Your happy time. You have the right to share it on facebook and with the people you love. If these people are truly your friends they'll be happy for you. Even if it hurts at first. they most definitely won't begrudge you.

Also P.S I had a MMC in December I was 12.5 weeks. I've had a few pregnancy announcements on my facebook. I am happy for each and every one of them

I really think it's a personal and individual thing. Some can handle it better than others. So if someone has to disappear for a bit, I don't think that they aren't true friends.

I was dying inside (2 losses prior to DD) every time. Some days it felt like pregnancy was thrown in my face. It was a very confusing time as I was happy for the people in my life, but at the same time it was killing me.

I always did my best to be happy and support them, but I also had to take care of me, so I had to set boundaries. I will say I avoided baby showers like the plague. There was just no way I could get through it. I still did something in my own way for them, but I couldn't go to the shower. For my friend, I just drove to visit her (with a gift - 3 hour round trip) and spent some one on one time with her. My SIL, I made her baby shower cake.

So I think it's really a personal thing. Everyone handles their losses and ttc issues differently. It doesn't mean that they don't care. It just means that they are doing what they have to do to take care of themselves, even if it's setting boundaries.

The OP should definitely be happy and excited about her pregnancy, but I think if her friends need some time away, it doesn't mean that they aren't true friends; it just means they to set boundaries so that they can take care of themselves (as long as they aren't tearing OP down in the meantime).

Oh no. I agree. Needing time away is one thing. By begrudge I mean be upset, mad, disappointed etc. Needing time away, or not going to the baby shower etc. is totally not what I meant. You can be happy for someone without partaking in things that will hurt you emotionally. Eventually everyone does grieve and comes to terms in their own way and in their own time. I completely agree. I'm only saying it shouldn't stop OP from enjoying "her" pregnancy to the fullest. Those friends that can't handle it for now when they are in a better place would want her to enjoy it - at least that's my opinion

 

[bunyhuny]

I don't know if it's been said yet or not, but you could always just start a facebook group for your pregnancy and let everyone know about it. People who want updates can join; those who don't want to see updates won't have to deal with them.

I had several friends make pregnancy groups/pages while DH and I were going through IVF and I really thought it was a great idea. I always joined, but hid the updates from my news feed. That way, when I was up for looking at updates, I could go to the group pages and check things out. I'm planning on doing the same for my LO once I get to 20 weeks.

I would go with group since you can decide who's able to join the group and who isn't. When DH and I had our IVF facebook "page", we ended up with all sorts of strangers liking the page and following along. Kinda uncomfortable... We'll do a "group" in the future.

 

[chezababy]

I would set up a private group on Facebook. If it's private only people who join the group will be able to see the updates you post.

 

[spunky84]

Oh no. I agree. Needing time away is one thing. By begrudge I mean be upset, mad, disappointed etc. Needing time away, or not going to the baby shower etc. is totally not what I meant. You can be happy for someone without partaking in things that will hurt you emotionally. Eventually everyone does grieve and comes to terms in their own way and in their own time. I completely agree. I'm only saying it shouldn't stop OP from enjoying "her" pregnancy to the fullest. Those friends that can't handle it for now when they are in a better place would want her to enjoy it - at least that's my opinion[/QUOTE]

Gotchya I definitely agree. I think I just read it wrong

 

[ajarvis]

Good chance I explained it wrong too spunky

 

[Lues]

From someone who took almost three years to get pregnant and went through many fertility treatments, watched (and sometimes cringed) as others got pregnant (sometimes TWICE!) while we were trying.... here's my two cents for what they're worth.

i think it's very sweet that you're sensitive to their feelings and that the personal emails were very, VERY kind. And I understand your hesitation.

BUT -- that's just reality and life.

As other's have said, while you don't want them to hurt any more, trust me, they would think you were CRAZY for not enjoying every single second in every single way possible. Personally, I was more irritated by people who did nothing but complain or acted like it was nothing. (but that's just reality and life too!)

So CELEBRATE!!!! And know that even if they have to separate themselves, they are likely thrilled for you as well.

I do think the separate Facebook page sounds like a great idea if it's not too complicated to do. (but I don't have Facebook, so I don't know how difficult or unnatural that may feel)

But I do not think you should feel even the SLIGHTEST bit of guilt for putting posts on your own Facebook account as well.

As people have said, everyone is different. And there is always the chance that there may some external irritation, but that also is just reality and life, and you know that they really are good friends, they're just dealing with their own stuff.

CELEBRATE GIRL! Celebrate big. Celebrate often. Celebrate every second you can in every way you know how.

You have something that they want very... VERY badly. While there may be times when they don't see it this way.... NOT celebrating would be the greatest insult of all.

 

[crownest]

Thanks everyone one of my friends contacted me and demanded I send her the scan picture and keep her filled in ☺so I realised I can't second guess people and as long as I'm sensitive the odd post isn't going to do any harm. I don't use FB much anyway so it's not like I'd be posting every week or month.

I think part of me still believes it's too good to be true and maybe partly that's why I don't want to make a fuss and not just my friends.

 

[Stephytiggs]

Just wanted to add my opinion here...when I lost our baby last year I found it extremely difficult when I saw posts of scan pictures and baby announcements on fb...this is the reason I won't be making announcements myself on their. I plan to tell people personally as I feel its insensitive to those who are struggling baby wise to have to see it on their news feed.

However that being said, you aren't the only one who will be posting pregnancy related news on Facebook, so it is down to the person who doesn't want to see it to turn it off from their news feed.

So to sum up it is personal preference and you do what is best for you and your family xx