Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[heart tree]

Nato, I'm so sorry to hear your news. The girls have given such great advice, I don't think I have much else to offer. I lost my step-father, who was really like my dad, to dementia. While he was falling deeper into his disease, I had to watch from the sidelines. It was awful. I couldn't have meaningful conversations with him as he didn't really understand much. We never had an emotional relationship though. Before the disease got really bad, I did have some time to talk to him. I was surprised at how different he was. I was able to ask him things about his life and his diagnosis that I wouldn't have in the past. He knew that he was going to die from this. He knew his mental faculties would be robbed of him. That changed him somehow. Softened him. He opened up to me more than I ever expected. Sometimes that can happen when you are in the process of dying. I'm telling you this in case this happens to your father. Look for signs of an opening with him. He might be willing to go to that emotional place with you. If not, I would respect that. He shouldn't be forced to emote if he doesn't want to. That being said, I don't think you need to completely hide your tears from him. This is about him, but it is also about the people who love him. If tears come, let him see them, but perhaps then excuse yourself and leave the room. I can't imagine that he is in so much denial that he thinks you aren't shedding any tears over this.

The question about embracing or pushing the hurt thoughts/feelings is a tricky one. One one hand, embracing them allows you to move past them in time. Denying them can help you get through a tough time, but they'll pop back up later down the road. I think denial can be a marvelous defense mechanism. You are already going through so much hurt. Will it serve you right now to force yourself to embrace all of your hurt feelings? Or will it make things worse for you right now? I'm an embracer. For me, it wouldn't serve me to be in denial. But that's me. If you think you won't be able to function if you are caught up in the mire of your hurt feelings, then I would wait to address them. If you think you could get them all out in London before seeing him, that's a good option. But I wonder if you would be able to close the floodgates once they've been opened.

It sounds to me like you are experiencing something called anticipatory grief. It's the grief associated with the anticipation of losing someone. If you google it, there are a lot of articles about what it is and coping techniques.

In times of death and dying, I always direct my clients to think about the word regret. What will your regrets be if you say or don't say something? Do or don't do something? Unlike someone who loses a loved one suddenly, you have an opportunity to make sure you don't have regrets after he is gone. Think about how you might want to shape the time you have with him right now so that it feels right for both of you.

Finally, that is a gorgeous picture of the three of you. I think it is a wonderful gesture to print it and give it to him. Those are some of the things I'm talking about. You and he can share emotional moments without it necessarily turning into a crying fest. Pictures, stories and life reviews are great ways to find peace in the dying cycle.

Thank you for coming to us. I think of you often. We're all here for you. xo

 

[VGibs]

Oh Lucy....my heart breaks for you. But in one way I envy your abiblity to say good bye. When my Mother in law died she didn't want anyone to see her sick. I loved her with all my heart and I am still fighting the anger that she never let me say goodbye.

I think when you are with him, your heart will be the judge. Your gut will show you how to behave, and your mind will cope with each minute as it comes. Have no expectations and don't be scared. You'll know what to do, and when to do it.

I think the cheeky face your making in that picture looks just like Eloise. You can see sass all over you two. In a good way, of course.

 

[vickyd]

Nato im so sorry hun...You know i absolutely suck with words so i wont even try cause everyone else has done such a great job. One thing though from my experience, Im also a crier to the point where ive been labelled a drama queen more often than i can count. When my sister fell ill back in 98 and had to undergo experimental treatment where there were no guarentees, i was afraid i would be constantly crying and making her feel even more scared than she was. I was surprised that as soon as she started treatment i was pretty calm, to the point that she thought i didnt care if she lived or died. When i asked her after it was all over if she would have rather me show exactly how i was feeling, she said yes. She needed to feel how important her life was to us. My sister in general is not a crier, she doesnt like extreme displays of emotion so i thought i was doing right be her. Turns out when faced with death people dont always react the way we expect them to. Love u, and hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do.

 

[NatoPMT]

will reply properly tonight, the anticipatory grief info was really useful, I did some googling last night and it was reassuring to read exactly what Im feeling in black and white. That was spot on.

Since my dad was admitted on Wednesday night, he has rallied a bit and perked up yesterday eve. He hadnt eaten for 2 weeks and was not drinking, so the fluids and meal replacements have made quite a difference. Following his initial tests down south, the neurologist up north saw him yesterday and was not as concerned as the others who have seen him. He's had a CAT scan this morning and my sister has just set off to hospital to try and find out any results. Im not feeling quite as desperate, there seems to be some hope where yesterday there was none, but realistically the news could be as bad as we were expecting. I just wish they would stop speculating - but now if its lung cancer thats unspread, that will be the best news we could ever get. Never thought I'd say that that lung cancer is great news....but 2 days ago we didnt think he would last the weekend. I was thinking this morning that i dont actually know anyone who has survived lung cancer, but then I remembered woman at work who had part of her lung removed and is still puffing away

Thank you so much for the kind words, now there is a bit of hope, I feel very calm and in control. Thats happened several times over the last 2 weeks, his GP last week said he didnt think it was as bad as the ipswich drs said, but then changed his mind by the end of the week so its just up and down, hope then none. Its a bit more up today, I just hope the CAT scan results keep us up. Im ov'ing on Sunday, so my sister said to stay in London at least until we know the score today. If its the worst news I think I will go straight up there as i want to see him while he is functioning and before he gets really bad. If its not spread, i'll wait until half term the week after next and take eloise up there, so she might even get a chance to see him again which is just fantastic.

xx

 

[hoping:)]

it definitely sounds like your family has been on an emotional roller coaster. I hope the CAT scan produces positive results. There is hope Please keep us updated... we all care for you and want to offer support.

 

[heart tree]

I'm so glad to hear there is some hope shining today. Tim's father survived lung cancer. They detected it a few years ago when he was in his late 70's. He's 82 now and doing just fine. Completely cancer free. Some had even spread to his brain, but they can't detect it there anymore either.

 

[Allie84]

That's great news Nato. My uncle in law surived on one lung after lung cancer, for like 10 years before dying of a heart attack.

 

[Round2]

Nato, I'm so, so sorry. What an awful situation. I hope that glimmer of hope turns into something. Even if it just buys a few more years or months.

Hoping, I love that story about Penny carrying your mom's picture around. I truley beleive that she is connected to your mom and 'knows' her better than you think.

Nato, that picture you posted made me teary eyed. What a beautiful memory. It really does make you think how fast time goes by. I was thinking the very same thing this week...after spending 3 weeks in the hospitial, I moved my mom into a home this week. Everthing has come full circle for her. She's back to having someone cook, clean and bathe her. It made me think how not too long ago she was doing the same for me.

As for how to handle your emotions - I really have no idea. I'm terrible at holding it together. I'm not sure how I would handle it, but I know you'll do what feels right.

 

[LucyJ]

Nato I hope you've had some positive news and you have some answers so you know what he's dealing with.

Thinking of you and hope you get to take Eloise up to see him Im sure that would mean a lot to him & of course you.

Big

 

[Sparkly]

Nato - I'm sorry to hear the news about your Dad The photo is gorgeous I'm sure he will love it. I'm glad that he has perked up a bit too. My Auntie had half her left lung removed due to cancer a few years ago, and she's still going strong and has even packed in the fags!

 

[Allie84]

Hi girls.

Things here are so awful. Alex is dead set on leaving me. It's the way he's doing it....so cold. Today he told me he wasn't in love me, and it was because he 'sees me.' He also told me he's no longer physically attracted to me. We both talked to my bishop today and Alex was like 'I won't change my mind. I'm happy now. I want a divorce.' He's pretty much ignoring me and drinking beer and playing Football Manager.

 

[Sparkly]

Oh Allie, I'm so sorry that sounds dreadful.

 

[Allie84]

Thanks, Sparkly. I'm having a hard time sleeping and functioning and I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm crying all the time and I'm trying to not cry in front of Alex but I can't help it. And he seems so.....okay. Like he's had his mind made up for a long time.

 

[Round2]

I'm so sorry Allie. What a hard thing to go through, I can't imagine. Have you made plans to move, or is he? It must be so hard to move on while you're still living together.

Wow, what a rough disco month it's been! Wish we all lived closer - everyone needs a disco hug.

 

[msarkozi]

Just an update about my appt with that other doctor on Friday; everything is good. I just have to test my blood sugars and keep following the diet I am on. I see him again this Friday and he will have a look at my sugars and determine if I am going to need meds or anything. So far, my sugars are only really high in the morning but good the rest of the day.

I did get a date as well - July 2nd!! He said it will only change if he and I both decide that it needs to be done earlier due to the sugars and if I start having complications. I think I am ok with that date, but as the weeks get closer, I might want this baby out sooner lol!

Kash was funny during the appointment. He was laying on the bed the whole time, and I was standing by him. Then when I had to lay down, he stayed beside me on the bed, and then even helped me up to get off the bed so he could have it to himself again lol. Then when the doctor was done and left the room, Kash flopped over and was sulking, so I asked him if he was upset because the doctor didn't look at him, and he said yes Then when we were leaving the room, he started running down the way the doctor went. I told him we will go see the doctor at home sometime. I must have the only kid that loves the doctor lol!

 

[heart tree]

Nato, how are you love? Please keep us posted.

Allie, I've been keeping up with your journal but haven't had time to respond yet. I'm so very sorry. I think you are right, he made up his mind a while ago. He should have voiced his uncertainty back then so you might have had a fighting chance at fixing things. It truly sounds like there is no going back on his part now. In the long run you'll be better off. But I know that's impossible to imagine right now. Don't beat yourself up about crying or feeling down. This will be one of the most difficult things you ever have to endure in your life. I know you'll get through it. Let the tears come. Keep exercising. Lean on your friends and family. And get lots and lots and lots of snuggles from Alistair.

Mel, glad to hear everything is going well. I can't believe you are 32 weeks already! It seems like it's flown by to me. Does it feel that way to you?

Tim, Delilah and I went to wine country for Mother's Day. Delilah was in a crappy mood, but we still had a nice time. We did some wine tasting and had a picnic at a winery. It was really hot, lovely weather. I felt very fortunate to have my girl yesterday, fussy and all. Luckily she's been sleeping through the night again for the past several nights. I feel very fortunate about that too!

 

[hoping:)]

Allie- I responded in your journal

Nato- How are things with your dad? I will try to FB you... I'm sure you have your hands full

Mel- OMG! July 2nd!!! Your pregnancy has flown by. Kash is adorable! It is so cute he was sad about not being looked at by the doctor too. You may be the only one who has a toddler who actually likes the doctor. Penny gives her doctor the-don't-you-even-touch/look-at-me face and will give her the death stare if she comes any closer than necessary

Amanda- wine country for Mother's Day sounds awesome! I love the picture.

AFM- our meeting with the intended parents went amazing! They are more than we even hoped for and we all got along so well. details in my journal if anyone is interested

I hope everyone had a great Mother's Day. I got surprised with a stinky tootsie bouquet (Penny's foot prints) which is perfect since she still insists that we smell her feet and comment on how stinky they are I also got to sleep in, breakfast in bed, wonderful lunch with family, afternoon nap, a stroll through our neigborhood and then movies and tasty beverages with Tim on the couch. It was the best

Hi to everyone else

 

[Sparkly]

Thanks, Sparkly. I'm having a hard time sleeping and functioning and I can't seem to snap out of it. I'm crying all the time and I'm trying to not cry in front of Alex but I can't help it. And he seems so.....okay. Like he's had his mind made up for a long time.

I'm not surprised your having a hard time, those are harsh relationship altering things he has said to you. I agree with you and Hearty he has his mind made up, so it's just a case of where do you both go from here...literally. I would find living in that situation impossible now

 

[Sparkly]

Mel - Brill to have a date now....July 2nd is not far away

Hearty - That's a gorgeous pic of you and your girl, and I'm glad you had a nice first Mother's Day. We could do with some of that weather over here....it's been hailstoning this afternoon

Hoping - I'm so pleased for you that the meeting went well, I'll go read up in your journal x

 

[vickyd]

Allie again so sorry...Do you think you guys will be able to have a friendly relationship after you split? I think you need to make alex see how he has to stop being nasty to you for alistair's sake.

Hearty you look super hot in those pics! I hate you so much.

Hoping OMG, Her is always asking us to smell her feet and say how stinky they are!!