Disco Derail! - TTCAL/PAL Discussion and Support!

[Allie84]

Gibs, I'm so sorry!! If I had some wine I'd bring it over to you!! I hope you manage to get in some BDing!!

Mel, I would love a bump pic!!! I keep wondering if/when I'll be able to leave Alistair for the night. It seems impossible right now but the girls who have done it are right, it can be a good thing. Kash can get accustomed to it for when you have to do it when the baby comes. But of course you don't have to do it this early! Have fun on your date night.

Lucy, awww, your poor thing!! It never showed up on my news feed....but I really wouldn't worry about it. I bet everyone who saw it has contacted you so it was a just few people. And I can understand why you were emotional about it. It's never a nice feeling when news isn't told on your terms! Facebook can be so frustrating!!

 

[Allie84]

Round, that sounds like such a rough night!! Yowza!! I hope you get a better night's sleep tonight. Poor Maddy, I'm sick as well and I can relate to her crying for school. We were meant to be going to Alex's Christmas work party tonight (in January?) but now I'm sick. Alex took a sick day to take care of me and Alistair. And of course the one day I'm able to sleep in I'm not able to sleep. Your hubby sounds so sweet with his older child!

 

[Allie84]

Sassy, you've been given such a good advice on here. I'm so, so glad you opened up to us! I can somewhat imagine your feelings. As you know Alex and I are having some hard times. I often think about divorce and wonder what's best for Alistair. The thing is, neither Alex or I are working at our marriage right now. Is it safe to say neither you or Danny are putting much effort in? I know marriage takes work, and for whatever reason I'm not 'working' for it right now. I can relate to feeling distant, and the problem there is that is just festers and you get more distant. I wish I knew how to break that cycle! In any case, I agree with the other ladies that you need to do what makes YOU happy because that's what will be best for your babies. I can understand your fears because it's a bloody impossible step to take, but I always think of all of the success stories and the fact that now seperating is so common, you don't ever need to be 'stuck' in an uhappy situation. Whatever you do, you're not letting anyone down. I wish Danny was nicer and more understanding about the struggles you are facing. It's not fair because although he also has two little ones, he's not going through any of the hormonal things you are. Men have it so easy some times. Well, all the time. Ha.

Btw, Nato, I meant to mention that I loved what you wrote about love changing. I'm like Sassy where I always wish to feel like I used to towards Alex. The way we felt when we were dating. My head knows this from psychology classes but my heart never listens. It's always good to be told that again. I need to remember that in my own life.

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Ill try to reply better later, I want to answer all your great advice!

I feel really ill today, so sick and my anxiety levels are through the roof! My mil has taken the kids for dinner and danny came home but decided he had to go back out!

I asked him to try counselling earlier, he asked if our relationship was getting me down and I replied yes, he then said I was ridiculous and that he can't believe I've said that! I can't be bothered, talking is too much effort!

 

[Allie84]

Amber, how exciting that you've got a potential match!!!!! I'm sooooooooo excited for you!!! I'm sorry, I need to stop by your journal but I've been neglecting journals this week as I have no time, and now today typing is taking all my energy, bleh. Anyways, I'm so happy and can't to be able to hear more.

 

[Allie84]

Sassy, it looks like we posted at the same time. I'm sorry he wasn't more receptive and I can't believe he would come home and see you in a bad state and have to leave. It sounds like he's not in a good place either, and I wish he would open up to you more.

(ETA sorry my splintered posting above, that looks annoying, but I was reading backwards then forwards and all over and posting, )

 

[Sassy_TTC]

He told me to go to bed rather than slob all over the sofa, and if the pills made me feel ill (side effects are horrid) then I shouldn't have taken them! I feel like I'm making it up that he's so unsupportive!

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Sass - A broken home is not the end of the world. I left my ex. I did not love him. He had cared so little about me that he did not even realize we had left until almost 2 weeks later. I did everything in our home, and in raising our daughter. My 10 year old is fine. I spent 4 years alone. It was very very hard to be a single mother. But I had more fun and more love being a single Mom then I ever had with him. I went on dates. I met new people. I did not spend one single day feeling guilty. I knew that my child could not grow up thinking that Mom's and Dad's should act towards each other like we did. But I knew without a single doubt that it was definitely over when I stopped caring if he came home that night. I did not care if he dropped off the face of the earth. I knew I could care for my child alone and I did. And I still do as he hasn't paid support in almost a year now.

I feel terrible that I may have come across so rudely about broken homes! I only know what I come from, that's why I have such negative feelings towards it! My parents divorced when I was 10, we was all dragged through the courts, my dad 'won' us and then he married my mums bf, her kids became my siblings, my parents fucked up childhoods so badly!

I'm so glad you read you have a much more positive story.xx

 

[vickyd]

Sassy sorry but hes acting like a dick! You cant make the marriage work on your own, doesnt he realise this???? So sorry you arent getting the support you deserve babes...

 

[msarkozi]

Sass, sorry you are feeling so ill. The side effects should go away in a few days. I hope Danny realizes that it takes two to work at a marriage and starts being supportive. It makes me wonder if he ran away type thing because he is realizing that something is not right, and doesn't really want to admit it to himself?!

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Mel you are 1000% right! But what's he going up do? Want to fix it when it's all too late! We're pretty much there already!

I'm not in love with him at all! I shudder if he tries to kiss or cuddle me and I can't even make eye contact? Is it real or is it that I'm just depressed! I don't know

 

[msarkozi]

I'm not sure sweetie! Do you picture yourself with another guy down the road? or if you can get your marriage to work, will you be happy with that?

Danny really needs to talk about his feelings as well to you. Maybe he really cares about you and is scared as to what is happening and thinking you are going to leave him, so he is being a dick instead?!

I think they say it takes time for the meds to start making you feel like yourself again, so once you start feeling better, you might know where hating Danny is the depression, or if you truly do not want to be with him.

 

[NatoPMT]

Sassy I come from a broken home in the true sense of the term, and its incredibly damaging, i refused to have children unless i was married, not because i think unmarried families are 'wrong', but i have a perception because of my experience, as do you about what it means to you and your family.

Ill try to reply better later, I want to answer all your great advice!

I feel really ill today, so sick and my anxiety levels are through the roof! My mil has taken the kids for dinner and danny came home but decided he had to go back out!

I asked him to try counselling earlier, he asked if our relationship was getting me down and I replied yes, he then said I was ridiculous and that he can't believe I've said that! I can't be bothered, talking is too much effort!

I really dont want to say anything negative about Danny, because i dont want to influence you in any way when your marriage and family are at stake, so if it seems that I am being too objective, its only because by being on your side and being a pal to you, Im worried what that might do. Not cos I dont think on a personal level other things, but Im not able to say them because of the damage thats already being done.

I really think you should push for counselling and to only discuss this issue in that environment - I know you only asked if he would go and you got that back, but he has clearly no idea of what he's doing which is why a professional might enable him to hear what he's actually saying to you. The more he says to you, the worst this will get. I completely understand why you cant be bothered when you get that back, so maybe think damage limitation (for what its worth) until you can get him through the door into a room where he will have to hear what he's saying. I do think he's in denial which is a defence mechanism, its not healthy but it does mean he cares, just not a in constructive way. He doesnt seem to grasp the gravity of your feelings. If he doesn't think it matters, it doesnt matter so he can stumble on thinking everything is fine rather than actually listen and realise his marriage is in dire straits. I'll wager when it dawns on him, its going to hit him REALLY hard and whatever polite non arguing equilibrium you currently have might get blown right apart and he might implode emotionally. Thats why i think this needs to be done in counselling.

 

[NatoPMT]

Luce, hope youre feeling better about your announcing. Mebbes next time put an ad in the paper? <weakattempttotrivialisematters>

Thanks for the sideboard love. I would like to know who owned it in the 50's and whether they wore beetle crushers.

Btw, Nato, I meant to mention that I loved what you wrote about love changing. I'm like Sassy where I always wish to feel like I used to towards Alex. The way we felt when we were dating. My head knows this from psychology classes but my heart never listens. It's always good to be told that again. I need to remember that in my own life.

I think romantic notions of past all consuming loves are dangerous. Love that moves past problems isnt all about just chemistry, its about deepening trust, which can happen when communication works. Its lasting and more rewarding, and with someone you KNOW you can trust. Not a virtual stranger you really want to shag (people are strangers until youve known them for many many months and been through stuff together). I remember reading an article about the 7 stages of love, and how the end stage - when an elderly couple start holding hands again etc, is like the initial mad love, but with a lifetime of experience together, so maybe we can get there again but even better in 50 years time. Assuming you dont end up one of the couples who hate each others guts but both refuse to move out.

The bump is doing good Nato, but it's starting to get hard to sleep at night. Last night I was afraid to move as it felt like I was going to get a charlie horse in my leg if I did, and then I had muscle pulls in my stomach if I did move as well.

yeah i remember how uncomfortable it is. Espec when they start doing karate kicks and twanging your ribs at 4am

Nato- how sweet Eloise was sharing with the other girls. Penny is the same unless it comes to her princess tent then no one but our cat is allowed. I climbed in there the other night and she immediately rushed over with her &#8216;mad&#8217; face on and dragged me out. I hope your lovely day continues. That Eloise of yours is definitely a special little girl. You are both lucky to have each other.

We did decide on a couple. I&#8217;m not sure how much info I can share but as soon as I get the ok I would love to tell you guys about them. The agency is reviewing to make sure they don&#8217;t have anyone else they would like us to look at before setting up our face to face meeting. I had my heart set on helping a same sexed couple but I think we have our minds made up. I&#8217;m hoping to know for sure by today.

LOVING that image of mad Penny hauling you out by the scruff of your neck. Weasel has a mad face too. I try not to laugh at it cos i remember being laughed at when mad as a child, but its so damned funny.

Nato love the piece!! You have such great taste! Im still in love with your bathroom.

AFM got a bonus today!!! 4000 euros!! So frickin happy! Now i can turn on my central heating hahahaha!!!!

My bathroom was super cheap. I am very pleased with myself over it.

WOOOOO HOOOO what a bonus!!! well done. Worth a face full of tarmac.

 

[Sassy_TTC]

I'm not sure sweetie! Do you picture yourself with another guy down the road? or if you can get your marriage to work, will you be happy with that?

Danny really needs to talk about his feelings as well to you. Maybe he really cares about you and is scared as to what is happening and thinking you are going to leave him, so he is being a dick instead?!

I think they say it takes time for the meds to start making you feel like yourself again, so once you start feeling better, you might know where hating Danny is the depression, or if you truly do not want to be with him.

I totally see myself with someone else. I don't know who, but I feel like there's someone out there that I'm better matched with

 

[Sassy_TTC]

Sassy I come from a broken home in the true sense of the term, and its incredibly damaging, i refused to have children unless i was married, not because i think unmarried families are 'wrong', but i have a perception because of my experience, as do you about what it means to you and your family.

Ill try to reply better later, I want to answer all your great advice!

I feel really ill today, so sick and my anxiety levels are through the roof! My mil has taken the kids for dinner and danny came home but decided he had to go back out!

I asked him to try counselling earlier, he asked if our relationship was getting me down and I replied yes, he then said I was ridiculous and that he can't believe I've said that! I can't be bothered, talking is too much effort!

I really dont want to say anything negative about Danny, because i dont want to influence you in any way when your marriage and family are at stake, so if it seems that I am being too objective, its only because by being on your side and being a pal to you, Im worried what that might do. Not cos I dont think on a personal level other things, but Im not able to say them because of the damage thats already being done.

I really think you should push for counselling and to only discuss this issue in that environment - I know you only asked if he would go and you got that back, but he has clearly no idea of what he's doing which is why a professional might enable him to hear what he's actually saying to you. The more he says to you, the worst this will get. I completely understand why you cant be bothered when you get that back, so maybe think damage limitation (for what its worth) until you can get him through the door into a room where he will have to hear what he's saying. I do think he's in denial which is a defence mechanism, its not healthy but it does mean he cares, just not a in constructive way. He doesnt seem to grasp the gravity of your feelings. If he doesn't think it matters, it doesnt matter so he can stumble on thinking everything is fine rather than actually listen and realise his marriage is in dire straits. I'll wager when it dawns on him, its going to hit him REALLY hard and whatever polite non arguing equilibrium you currently have might get blown right apart and he might implode emotionally. Thats why i think this needs to be done in counselling.

Yep I felt exactly the same! This whole situation is 1000x harder as I know how it feels to have your parents not together, I never ever wanted that for my babies!

I'm going to book some counselling, ill tell him when and hopefully he'll come along and we can fight this together, whatever the outcome he will always be in my life!!

 

[NatoPMT]

Sassy I come from a broken home in the true sense of the term, and its incredibly damaging, i refused to have children unless i was married, not because i think unmarried families are 'wrong', but i have a perception because of my experience, as do you about what it means to you and your family.

Ill try to reply better later, I want to answer all your great advice!

I feel really ill today, so sick and my anxiety levels are through the roof! My mil has taken the kids for dinner and danny came home but decided he had to go back out!

I asked him to try counselling earlier, he asked if our relationship was getting me down and I replied yes, he then said I was ridiculous and that he can't believe I've said that! I can't be bothered, talking is too much effort!

I really dont want to say anything negative about Danny, because i dont want to influence you in any way when your marriage and family are at stake, so if it seems that I am being too objective, its only because by being on your side and being a pal to you, Im worried what that might do. Not cos I dont think on a personal level other things, but Im not able to say them because of the damage thats already being done.

I really think you should push for counselling and to only discuss this issue in that environment - I know you only asked if he would go and you got that back, but he has clearly no idea of what he's doing which is why a professional might enable him to hear what he's actually saying to you. The more he says to you, the worst this will get. I completely understand why you cant be bothered when you get that back, so maybe think damage limitation (for what its worth) until you can get him through the door into a room where he will have to hear what he's saying. I do think he's in denial which is a defence mechanism, its not healthy but it does mean he cares, just not a in constructive way. He doesnt seem to grasp the gravity of your feelings. If he doesn't think it matters, it doesnt matter so he can stumble on thinking everything is fine rather than actually listen and realise his marriage is in dire straits. I'll wager when it dawns on him, its going to hit him REALLY hard and whatever polite non arguing equilibrium you currently have might get blown right apart and he might implode emotionally. Thats why i think this needs to be done in counselling.

Yep I felt exactly the same! This whole situation is 1000x harder as I know how it feels to have your parents not together, I never ever wanted that for my babies!

I'm going to book some counselling, ill tell him when and hopefully he'll come along and we can fight this together, whatever the outcome he will always be in my life!!

Sassy, i really really think that is the right thing to do. I wouldn't have judged you if you hadnt made that decision, but i think you are showing a great deal of courage and commitment to your children to go through the most constructive course of action in the face of little commitment to change at this stage from Danny.

 

[NatoPMT]

CupcakeClaire - say hello, have a seat!

 

[msarkozi]

Sass, I think you made a good decision for sure. Even if at first it ends up just being you, I bet you will feel good getting some of this off your chest. I really hope Danny goes with you hun! Like you say, he will always be a part of your life no matter the outcome.

And if you do see yourself with someone else, that is ok. Your happiness is so important, and you have to look after yourself.

 

[Allie84]

What are beetle crushers? I don't actually know what a sideboard is, I just know it's cute! And I do love the 50's...style, I mean. Not sexism, racism, classism, etc. I love watching Call the Midwife and looking at the clothes!

Sassy, counselling is the way to go. I'm in individual counselling and Alex and I were/are in couple's counselling. Alex has to be coerced to go back. He said I just sit there and 'bitch for an hour' about him. He hasn't seen it as constructive yet, but I noticed after we went we were nicer to eachother, and that we said a lot of stuff in there we have never said in our private conversations.