Hey Ging - You know I appreciate your differing perspectives.
I totally understand what you're saying, however I still feel it's missing a piece of the puzzle. There is an assumption that hormones AUTOMATICALLY create a nurturing, motherly connection. I think that's a dangerous assumption as there are plenty of biological mothers who struggle to bond with their children, post delivery. I have a friend who has two children, one she bonded instantly, and one it took her almost 9 months to feel that connection. I think it's important to remember that there isn't any one experience that we all will have, and it's, in my opinion, even more important to talk about when our own experience deviates from the "norm".
For example, plenty of women experience a strong bond with their child in utero. I don't. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited to be pregnant and think it's fascinating/cool that I can feel this tiny human growing inside of me, but I don't have this overwhelming "I've loved you since before I met you" feeling that some people do. I'm not sitting in a rocking chair knitting baby booties. I sort of dread the idea of breastfeeding rather than getting excited for this miraculous experience I'm about to have (or whatever). I don't question or doubt people who do experience those things, but it's not me. I tend to move slower.
That said, I do hear what you're saying. Hormones are real and they're in me. From a species standpoint, there are chemicals that will physically require me to connect to this infant in order to ensure that infant's survival. I don't so much mind people bringing that up. And I'm certainly familiar with people accidentally saying offensive things when they don't mean to (I did come out in the late 90s when there were tons of well meaning people who just didn't know how to talk to/about gay people yet. Crazy how quickly times change!). What angers me, is when those same people INSIST that x will be different, even when I try to explain to them that it is not. I understand the process of how/when the bond happens may be different. Yes - while I immediately had a desire to care for Peanut (who doesn't have an instinctual need to care for an infant, after all), I didn't immediately fall in love with her. That took time. I'm not even sure when it happened, honestly, it was like I was slipping down a hill and before I even knew it I was madly in love with this child.. But it definitely took time. Who knows how the bonding process will go with this one. Maybe it'll be instant? Maybe it won't, such as the case for my friend, or my sister, who actually described falling in love with her son in a similar fashion that I just did with Peanut. But what won't change - is how I parent. SJ and I have been parenting for over 2 years now. We've worked through some of the initial bumps in figuring out what style/strategy fits us (as much as one can.. those kids keep on changing!). I am not an attachment parent. I'm not going to become an attachment parent just because this particular child came from my body. I get angry when people try to CONVINCE me that I will, because I'll feel SO differently about this child.
It's the attempt to convince. The apparent desire to "prove me wrong" when I try to explain that I feel confident and comfortable in my parenting role. That's where I feel like they are teetering on a line between discussing biology and a more advanced form of "love".
Does that make sense? I've said before in your journal that I sort of love when we disagree, because you're always so thoughtful in your positions. I just wanted to let you know I took zero offense to your response, just as I would take zero offense if the real life conversations went in a similar fashion. I think this is why I like to point out the notion that SJ is not biologically related to this child either. It gets people to think about the words that they're saying, because words matter.
