englishman scottish man and irish man jokes


lucky mum of one of each!
Aug 31, 2006
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An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman set up a furniture removal company. One day they spent over two hours trying to move a wardrobe which was wedged in a narrow stairway.
'It's no use,' said The Englishman to The Scotsman, 'we'll never get it upstairs,'
'Upstairs?' said The Irishman, 'I thought we were trying to get it downstairs.'

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman arrived at a railway station in a state of inebriation just as The train was about to leave. A helpful porter managed to get The Englishman and The Scotsman aboard as The train pulled out. Then he turned to The Irishman and said, 'I'm sorry sir that I couldn't get you aboard The train.'
'My friends will be sorry too,' said The Irishman, 'they just came to see me off.'
i got one

There was an Englishman,Irishman and Scotsman

They were all working on a construction bridge. One day the Scotsman said if my wife gives me Ham sandwiches again I will jump off this bridge and die,The Englishman agreed if he got paste he would do the same and the Irishman concluded that if he gets Cheese then he for sure will follow suit.

Next day they are sittting eating theor sandiwiches when again they get what they had yesterday. So first the scotsman jumps,then the Englishman and finally the Irishman jumps to his death.

2 weels later at their joint funerals the widows are srying and the Scotswoman says "Alas! he only had to say I would have done something different!" the Englishwoman concurrs....

The Irishwoman says "Well I dont get it,to be sure to be sure,he make his fecken own...."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Englishman says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought £250 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Scotsman agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent £17,000 on a new car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Irishman nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every toime oi tink of it," he chuckles. "Moy woife just left to go on a holiday in Greece. Oy watched her packing her bag, and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!"
There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
A Scotsman, Englishman and an irishman although already in the forces decided they'd join the S.A.S. Upon being called for an interview the recruiting sergeant explained that in order to be accepted into the special air services they must agree without hesitation to carry out any order whatever it may be, no questions just do it. All agreed no problem anything at all. Right say's the sarge to the englishman here's a gun go into the room next door and shoot the first person you see. Off he goes 2 mins later he's back "sarge i can't do it, it,s my wife for chris'sakes" No good to us get out. Next in goes jock 2 mins later back out puts gun on table " i cannae do it, it's my wee hen i willnae shoot my wife" Sarge say's no good to us get out. Sarge gives the gun to the irishman and sends him into the room the next thing "Bang Bang" followed by shouting and screaming, then silence .Next thing out comes the irishman hair all tossed, face bleeding waving the gun madly about. "Some ##### idiot loaded that ##### gun with blanks, I had to break her ##### neck"
An Irishman a Scotsman and an Englishman were lost in the forest and were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit.
So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits. The Irishman came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten." The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The Scotsman arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy.
1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed. The Irishman and the Scotman met in heaven. The Irishman asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The Scotsman replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the Englishman coming with pineapples."

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