Feeling lost and just need to vent

[WishnandHopn]

I am in the midst of an early miscarriage. I'm feeling so lost right now. I should have been 6 weeks today, instead I'm on the fifth day of bleeding. I had my hcg blood levels checked today and an ultrasound tomorrow. They marked "obstetric <16 weeks" on the requisition form. The image I had of my first ultrasound was of me and DH happy and excited to see our tiny baby and its fluttering heartbeat. Instead I am going to be seeing my sad empty uterus. I just know the hcg levels are going to come back zero and nothing on the scan. There may be no solid medical evidence that I was pregnant. Only that I'm not anymore.

I feel like screaming. I want to break things. I'm so exhausted but I don't think I will be able to sleep. I don't want to go to work tomorrow. I don't want to stay at home and watch crappy tv. I feel hungry and empty but none of the food in our house is appealing to me. I can't even cry anymore.

 

[CanadianLady]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I lost my first pregnancy between 6-8 weeks in Aug 2010. I had an early scan because of spotting and they said it was just about 5 1/2 weeks and everything looked good. Went back 2 1/2 weeks later hoping to see a heartbeat only to find there was hardly anything left. My body had started to absorb everything. It was devastating. Please be gentle with yourself and remember this is still your baby no matter how short a time your miracle was with you.

 

[xxmyheartxx]

Sending you many many hugs, I'm currently going through an early loss, just waiting on my next lot of bloods to confirm, I'm on day 3 of bleeding, and I'm just so sad and feel extremely lost at the moment

 

[WishnandHopn]

Thank you. I'm sorry you're going through this too. It just feels so horrible. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.

I'm heading off to my scan in a few minutes and really dreading it. It might give me closure? I don't know. I told DH I was going to go to work after but I don't think I'm going to.

 

[LKGlove]

I know exactly how you feel. The not sleeping, not eating is too familiar. Even worse I received my bad news AT work. Talk about putting on a happy face...how I even got through that day, I have no idea. I am still going through this ordeal (blighted ovum) and the wait for all this to end is excruciating to say the least. Doing all these scans and bloodwork to tell you what you already feel does not help one bit. BUT I know in the end it will all be okay. Sending your way...

 

[WishnandHopn]

Sending hugs to you too LK. Really sorry you're going through this. When I started bleeding I was on a week long vacation at the cottage with my DH and his parents. Talk about putting on a happy face...it was so tiring. By the time we got home I'd bled for 4 days so I knew it was gone.

I burst into tears the second I walked into the ultrasound room. The tech was nice and I didn't even try to look at the screen. She's not really supposed to tell me anything, but she did say nothing urgent so the report would be sent to my doctor in 3-5 days. Then she told me I was lucky it was early and I don't have to have any procedures. She said 'what's done is done' and 'it's all clear in there'. So at least the physical pain is over.

 

[kristymarie17]

I can't even imagine what you're going through right now, and i'm so incredibly sorry. I know none of my words will make you feel better, or make the situation any easier, but know we are all here for you and are thinking of you.

 

[WishnandHopn]

Thank you for your kind words...I really appreciate the support! This too shall pass...

 

[kristymarie17]

Thank you for your kind words...I really appreciate the support! This too shall pass...

If you ever need just an ear to listen, let me know

 

[lesondemavie]

Wishn! I'm so sorry to see this. I first saw you over at your ttc journal when I was browsing. The next day I went back to comment and you had your BFP! I thought it would be odd to pop in then since I'm just a sad reminder of what can happen. So sad that you're going through that sadness now too. Take care, rest up, and if you feel like you need support when you're back ttc, feel free to join our little ttc#1 AL group. Some of us are also battling suboptimal fertility on top of our losses. There are so many ups and downs, and it is incredibly hard but so important to know you're not alone xxx. You are not alone

 

[WishnandHopn]

Thank you so much Les, it's good to know I'm not alone. I've browsed your group a little, maybe I will join you ladies when we are ready to ttc again.

I do have this feeling like I don't quite belong on the other ttc boards anymore. The first ever BFP joyful feeling is not something I will ever have again. The next time I get a BFP I will be happy, but it will be tempered with caution and fear.

 

[Sophie2015]

I'm not really even sure what I want to say. I'm just lost. My 5th consecutive pregnancy and loss. I feel very very hopeless. I can't quit trying but I don't think I can survive a 6th loss. My D&C was this past Thursday. I lost over a pint of blood and have learned there were some moments where I could have died. I realize this is extreme and alarming but I wish I had just gone to Heaven with all my babies. Almost 3 years of the highs of BFPs followed by recurrent mmc's. I feel completely empty inside.

My heart literally hurts for each one of you living this nightmare. I hope all your stories have happy endings.

 

[WishnandHopn]

Oh Sophie I am so so sorry you're going through this again. I'm sure I don't have the right words...my heart just hurts for you. Take the time you need to grieve, scream, cry, whatever you need to do. Just don't let yourself stay in that dark place for too long. Stay strong and know you are not alone in this.

https://www.scarymommy.com/struggle-with-infertility-ttc/

 

[Sweetkat]

Wishing / really sorry you are going through this. I noticed your earlier post about your OH's morphology. My OH has 6% morphology and 44% DNA fragmentation and we have had 3 losses in a row (8.5, 8 and 10.5 weeks). Had all other tests done and apparently my NK killer cells are elevated, but they were not an issue with DD.

My OH is on strong medication which is likely to be causing the sperm issues for him. You may want to test your OH's fragmentation, as that can lead to miscarriages (my dr said it increases background risk from 20% in normal population to 35%).

My OH is on antioxidants (1mg vitamin C and 1mg vitamin E a day) and on proxeed (that was also recommended by the Dr).

I am terrified of trying again in case goes wrong again and can't yet anyway, as the antioxidants and supplements have to be taken for at least 3 months.

Hope you get answers and a healthy baby very soon.