Feeling lost

[Hoping4lil1]

I just went back to work after a long maternity leave. It's actually not that bad, and I know this, but inside it is killing me. I keep looking at the pictures that we took of my daughter in the hospital and catch myself imagining how great life was a year ago. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy her now just as much. I just wish it was last year and I had this whole amazing year again. I wouldn't change anything. I just want to keep living it over and over again.

Deep down I don't think I was truly ready to go back to work. I really just want more time to be a mom. I used to be very career driven, but now my job is just meaningless to me. I have truly been changed.

I know that this will get better and that it's not the end of the world. It's just so hard not to think about what I was doing a year ago and not be jealous of myself that I can't be back there. Is that a weird feeling to have?

 

[seoj]

Not at all hun- tbh, I didn't get much time off (3.5mos)- and I think for me, even though this might sound odd, it was easier going back while she was a baby. The older she get's the more fun she is and the more I miss being away from her... I missed her as a baby too- of course- it's just "different" now. I think had I been home with her a full year- going back to work would have been MUCH harder. Hope that makes sense... LOL.

I like my job- we need my income- so I don't really have a choice... and I do appreciate every moment I have with my LO. Maybe even more (on a some level) because I don't have all day with her like a SAHM would (?) I still have to find some time for ME- and for dates with my hubby- although it's hard and less than we'd like... there is just SO much to balance between work, hubby, teenager, LO, friends, family, ME!!! There are a lot of layers.

You are right- it will get "easier"- that doesn't mean you won't miss your LO- just enjoy all the moments you do have. And remember, it's not always about HOW much time- but what we do with the time we have I know that doesn't make it easier- but I try to remind myself of that as needed. I do wish there was a time machine to go back and relive moments (as we want)- but, that is not life, this is life... so we move forward and try to make the best memories we can!