Fighting the feelings

[Gavi]

I just have to get this out somewhere among people who understand because it's an awful place to be in. Long story short, it's coming up on a year this moth since we found out we were pregnant. I had one 2nd TM MC and one 1st TM MC since then. We were then extremely far into the foster parent application process and our hope was yet again brutally taken away when they suddenly deferred our application. After a year of these emotional highs and lows I'm having a really hard time keeping my emotional sanity. It's so hard to see so many people in the past year get pregnant and have their babies, like its easy peasy!
In the past week I found out one of my friends is pregnant and have felt a lot of resentment and jealousy rather than excitement. It just breaks my heart that I struggle to celebrate with them but how can I when they have something I so desperately want but was taken away? Then tonight I find out my sister is 12weeks pregnant. Thankfully I don't feel anything negative towards her but the best I can do is feel neutral. I just want this emotional battle to end. It's been a long year of faking excitement and happiness when all I want to do is curl up and cry every time I hear someone else receives the precious gift of a child, which was taken away from me.
That sounds horrible of me and it deeply concerns me that this is how I genuinely feel.
How do you deal with the conflicting emotions of having others in your life who are pregnant and having babies? I'm desperate because this is just tortuous and I have tried so hard!

 

[ByAssociation]

I totally understand how you feel. I've had similar negative feelings towards friends who seem to suddenly get pregnant, and very angry feelings towards a coworker who had gotten pregnant a week before me, and then persisted to complain through her entire pregnancy to me, even after she knew I had miscarried. It sucks.

I wish I could tell you someway to manage that, but I'm in the same boat. I'm either jealous or just don't care. I've found that letting people know my struggles with miscarriages has helped a bit and for me, avoiding the situations and conversations have helped. Also Facebook, staying off there helps a lot with my jealousy and anger.

 

[Gavi]

Facebook is so awful eh? I swear there's a new pregnancy or baby announcement every week, not to mention all the photos!
I'm sorry you're having a hard time too but it is comforting to know I'm not alone, especially when I feel like a horrible monster for feeling this way. Even if it is normal, it feel so wrong.
Thanks for taking the time to share!

 

[Topanga053]

I'll be honest, I hated pregnant women after my loss. There really wasn't any happiness for them, just a lot of anger, jealousy, and bitterness. When I finally went to therapy to help me work through all of the emotions from my loss, one of the BEST things I took away was that it is perfectly normal and OK to feel jealousy and anger towards my pregnant friends. Like you, I felt so guilty and awful for feeling that way. I felt a lot better (and, actually, less angry and jealous) as soon as I accepted those negative feelings and stopped pushing myself to try to feel happy for them. And, ironically, once I embraced feeling angry and jealous, I started to slowly feel more happy for them.