Flashbacks

[Faerie]

I never know if I'm meant to post in here, as Sofia was induced at 37 weeks so not technically premature, but we don't really seem to fit anywhere else either.

Sofia was diagnosed with gastroschisis, a congenital defect where the abdomen doesn't close leaving the bowel (and sometimes other organs) outside, when I was 12 weeks pregnant. So although I had the whole pregnancy to get used to the idea, I also had the whole pregnancy to worry about it. She had bowel surgery on her first day and was in hospital for 3 weeks (she contracted NEC and a longline infection at 2 weeks when we were meant to leave). I know this is nothing as horrific as some of your stories.

Anyway, not really sure why I'm posting this but... I keep having flashbacks. It's like I blocked her stay in hospital out of my mind when we left and steamrollered on with our lives but now things keep popping into my head. Especially moments when we thought she'd die, and it's all so clear.

Does anyone else get this? Did you always or did it start later? Does it stop??

She's perfectly healthy now so really I have nothing to worry about. Hope you don't mind me posting.

 

[dannigizmo]

i think its more than normal that you have these hun. Knowing that ur baby could die is soo traumatic and eventhough you had a short stay compared to some, (my too friends babies at yorkhill had this and was in average 3 months) it probably didnt give you much time to take everything in, before you were home and dealing with the whirlwind of a new baby.

Emma got home at 8 months and after a month home i felt awful, scared i was going to lose etc, thinking all these scenarios in my head. Best thing for me anyway was to talk to a psychologist (had done every week at times in yorkhill), and i still do about once a month and i feel it helps to vent my fears about the past and the present, and am now alot better.

Maybe you could see of thats available, or if not, ur man or understanding friend where you just talk, as there are no answers to why it happend to you are there, (believe me, ive tried lol), so a listening ear can really help.

You will also get support on here hun anytime you need it. I know what you mean about feeling you dont fit in. I even felt like that as my baby was a longterm patient and felt nobody understood. But people here can still help lots and can relate in some way to your story. I was lucky in some way that a lot of the mums that was in yorkhill the same time as us, we all became our support network. All Emma's little friends are coming to her 1st birthday party today (bar one who sadly didnt make it due to nec), and it will be great to see them all come on. Will be an emotional day. ive been up since 4am!!

My biggest help to get over it all is taking comfort in Emma, when i thought bad things were coming into my head i just played with her and her laugh and smile would take it all away.

hugs to you and bub and sorry for the long post, i am a bleather!! xxx

 

[Faerie]

I know, we were so lucky how quickly she recovered! There was a little boy with the same in the JR (Oxford) whilst we were there and he'd been there for 3.5 months, he left 3 times in our 3 weeks stay but kept having to come back in due to complications. When we were ready to go home at 2 weeks they said it was a record, but then she got the infections.

Sorry, I feel such a phoney when I read what Emma and you went through! I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling like this. I lay in bed last night and was crying at the thought of the first night we left her alone in hospital, which was ridiculous because she was lying in bed next to me.

 

[AP]

i felt awful about leaving alex and i also kept asking 'why is this happening to me. Then when i realised one day in neonatal a family was never going home with their babxm. Thats when i realised that i was so lucky. What happened to me didnt matter. Alex was strong and made it home.

 

[Foogirl]

Sorry, I feel such a phoney when I read what Emma and you went through! I don't know why I'm suddenly feeling like this. I lay in bed last night and was crying at the thought of the first night we left her alone in hospital, which was ridiculous because she was lying in bed next to me.

Never, ever feel what you are going through is somewhat lessened because others have been through something "worse." If it is affecting you, then it is a problem to you, and it doesn't matter what others have been through. You can't help having the feelings you do, otherwise you'd stop. To go through any situation where your child is in danger is very difficult to deal with and it is natural to feel bad about it, even if it is at a later date. I am lucky I've come through my experience unscathed, but it could easily have gone the other way and I could have ended up being in quite a mess about it all.

I would echo the suggestion of asking your GP for a referral for some counselling. You could also see if there is a support group in your area which would allow you to talk about it.

 

[dannigizmo]

Please dont ever say that you are a phoney. There will always be someone who has it worse but that doesnt mean you dont feel what you are going through or that its less of a problem, its still your problem!!

The counselling taught me that when i started thinking my negative thoughts i would stay stop in my head and think about the good nice things of the present and yes i am lucky, some babies didnt make it, mine did. I felt that helped me, and also distraction techniques, whatever you think works for you.

It will take time hun, been nearly 4 months since Emma got home and its only last 4 weeks that am starting to feel better and not have fears about the past. Also doing things for yourself helps, for me its trying to lose weight and going back to work part time, bizarre i know but that was me before all that drama happened, lol!

And please dont ever feel that your problem or your journey is not as important as others are worse, and the end of the day, its happening to you.
Sorry that probably makes no sense, am done in after Emma's party!! xx

 

[premmiemum123]

Please don't feel a phoney, you have been through a trauma. All experiences are relative no matter how bad and your story is as traumatic as any other. You have been through a lot. I think counselling would be good for you, to talk things through would really help. You have made the first step by talking on this forum which is full of amazingly strong women who have been through so much and offer really good advice.
I would speak to you GP about getting counselling.

Big hugs
xx

 

[Faerie]

Thank you everyone for your kind words

Believe me, I do appreciate every day just how lucky I am to have Sofia, I have never felt so fulfilled in my life. So it's even more strange that I have these thoughts.

Anyway, last night I spoke to DH about it (he's just come back from a business trip), and he said the same as you about counselling. I have a post-natal appointment this week so I'll ask then. I'm always worried that if I say anything's wrong they'll think I'm crazy and think I'm not a good mum.. silly I know.

Thanks again

 

[asacia]

I'm sorry for reading/posting in your section, but I just wanted to say something. Faerie, don't worry about telling them the truth. You won't be judged, they won't think you are crazy and they won't think you are a bad Mum. I have PTSD (which includes flashbacks) and the care of my LO has never been questioned. The midwives, health visitors and my GP have all been wonderfully helpful, and I'm so glad I'm honest with them about how this affects me. You've been through a trauma, and this often has effects after the event. Please don't compare your trauma to other peoples' - it is your story and it affects you. Please talk about what happened - it has been shown that talking about what happened really helps the healing process.

Again, I'm sorry for intruding, I just wanted to say that, as I a lot of the same feelings as you.

 

[bumpsmum]

I agree with the girls, everyone's situation is equally distressing and you have been through a great ordeal, im also asking for a counselling referal on fri to help overcome PND and a few other issues and feel it will help greatly.

Asacia, no need for apologies its good to see other parents get involved in this area of the forum as your experiences and thoughts are valued by us all x

 

[Foogirl]

I'd say one definition of a good mother is someone who takes care of themselves so they can better take care of their children. In not talking about the things you find difficult, you could be doing your child a disservice as they would undoubtedly pick up on any stress.

I talk to anyone who will listen about what I went through. I'm sure the checkout operators don't really need to know!!

 

[angelstardust]

I had PTSD after having DS2. I kept it all bottled up for a full year before it finally all came out after DH and I had split up and we were attending couple counselling. I remember sitting on a bus when he was 4 months old crying my eyes out because what happened was going round and round in my head and I just couldn't make it stop. And all the 'what if's'. What if I had been at home, what if, what if...

My advice is to go speak to your GP and arrange to talk to someone, it will make you feel a whole lot better. The sooner it happens, the sooner you can start to move on.

It does get better, I can say that now as he is 4 years old! (oh yeah and DH and I did make another go of it, so far so good).