Found naked women on OH's Twitter so upset am I over-reacting?

[Inoue]

Im glad you managed to talk to him but i cant really help you anymore as i feel different to you on how to react to this. I would not of took it this far, he looked at some naked women pics and your thinking of cancelling/postponing the wedding ~ seems way over the top for me. Its hurts when they lie and youve put that to him, i said no to my husband looking years ago and then caught him again but i spoke to friends and SIL's about it and they made me realise how stupidly i reacted (im not saying your the same, just my feelings at the time). That was 5 years ago when i was 19, now 24, i know it wasnt a big deal. I guess he says it was 'funny' because he is to embarrassed to say otherwise. You may never get the answer you want hun.

I hope others on here can help you and you find your feet x

 

[SazraD]

I know how you feel about the trust issue Gemma and the fact that he is not who you thought he was. I personally accept that my oh looks at porn and although I'd prefer him not to it is one of those things. What happened with us was slightly worse.... my husband went to magaluf on his stag do 2 weeks before our wedding and when he came back he was going on about how much he wasn't ready to come home, it was so good etc and that they wanted to go back at the end of the summer. At the same time I was stressed out about wedding stuff and started giving him a hard time about not helping me out. Anyway, a week before the wedding he left his phone at home when he went to work and I was wound up with him saying he wanted to go back away and the fact that we had been not getting on as well as normal so went through his phone.... I found messages between him and one of his friends and he had said that I kept moaning at him since he had got back and that he "wished he had shagged that welsh girl"!!!

Now we were only 24 and are childhood sweethearts so have never slept with anybody else so it was always something that worried me. This was a week before our wedding and I felt like I didn't know him. My OH is a jack the lad and is a big practical joker. When I confronted him he assured me it was "lad talk" and that he didn't mean it and that's just how lads speak. My brother had been on the stag do and I spoke to him about it and he too said that is just how lads speak etc, boys will be boys, he didn't do anything and I shouldn't be upset!

Sorry for the major rant and I know its abit different but I sort of accepted the "lads talk" and all my friends said that its so obvious to everyone how much he loves me etc but I found it really hard to think that someone you love can talk/act like that! I felt like I didnt know the real him even though we've been together all this time. It is really hard to move on from the wondering when you know the real him as well, but i'm living proof that it can be done and I dont think you should break up with him. I'm sure your hormones are making it worse and I'm confident you can get over it. Don't take it personally like it has anything to do with you.

Sending big hugs

 

[Gemlou78]

I'm so sorry you went through that and all the other women on here who have shared their experiences. My problem is how to move on in my head like you have said. I'm glad it's worked out for you and that you have managed to trust him. I really want to get past this really I do.

I've been hurt badly before which he knows and I'm aware that my extreme reaction to this is probably partly due to that. He knows that about me though but still did this. I struggled with an eating disorder during and after a very abusive relationship and had just recovered from a nervous breakdown when I first got together with my OH. I barely ate a thing yesterday and I know I need to get a grip coz I'm pregnant. I'm going to make myself eat today. I'm likely going to need another section due to my placenta being low down. My body will be a mess and now I've got the images of these women in my head.

I do love him but it's made me doubt his feelings for me and it's made me feel undesirable.

 

[SazraD]

I'm sorry to hear about the tough time you have had. Although I have never been through anything really bad I just generally am quite an insecure person so I think that had a major impact on the amount of time it took me to get over it, It took me a year to stop bringing it up to him on a regular basis.

The one thing I do realise is that when a man acts in this way, ie looking at images of women or in my case "lad talk" it really isn't something they are comparing to us. I can't stress enough to you how you must not feel that he is comparing these woment to you, it is just something that alot of men do and when he done it he would never have thought about hurting your feelings - I think men see it as something completely separate and I think they struggle to understand why we would ever care about such things! I think women and men's minds are just so different and we will never understand how theirs works and they will never understand ours and that's why your OH would not have thought about how it would hurt you. I think the fact that he had not commented on any of the photos does sort of show that he wasn't taking it too seriously x

 

[Alexsmomplus1]

I know we talk about boys being boys, being visual and it not being personal, but if the situation was reversed and it was us looking at hot men, being aroused and having our OHs know we are getting off on them, with the excuse that "nothing else turns me on and you're not doing it for me", I don't think they would pass it off as "girls being girls." I'm pretty sure it would be a hard hit to their egos and affection as well. No one likes to think they aren't good enough, regardless if you are in the mood when they are or not. And it is more about trust, it's about self worth. When the one you love the most finds satisfaction from someone else, you feel like a failure, not wanted, not cherished.

I can understand why you feel betrayed and question whether you want to marry him. No one likes to feel that they can be replaced by anything. Sex means more to a woman than to a man, many women do take it personal. It's a bond between a couple. Just feeling that he can "bond" over anything, hurts.

Mind, my DH watches it too, and it cuts deep for me. We've talked about it many times, so he comes to me first when he wants it, and if I'm not in the mood, he'll put on a movie we made together and satisfy himself. It's a compromise.

 

[Gemlou78]

I think that's a good compromise because it's of the two of you. After the 1st incident even though he passed it off as one of his friends from work I went and had a sexy photo shoot done (it was pre pregnancy) I thought then that if he felt the need to look at those sort of pics he had some of me.

Clearly they weren't enough. Twitter is interactive. I didn't have time to go through the last week on these womens pages to see if he had commented as there were so many men on there tweeting what they would do to them...so I have to take his word that he didn't.

It's going to take me some time and a hell of a lot of effort on his part xx

 

[Lilbit609]

I'm responding very very late but wanted to give my .02. Twitter has a lot of celebs on it including porn stars or ladies in the adult industry period. If these ladies are well known then they most likely have companies posting their "tweets" for them. Or they are posting themselves but it's just for marketing, they aren't personally running off and meeting these guys lol. I understand the sensitivity as your body is changing however most not all but most look at porn. I think with his situation it was just a form of porn, and I wouldnt get upset. A lot of guys look at porn, again not ALL, but most.

My DH looks at porn and it doesn't bother me at all. We have even watched it together(sorry if TMI). This is only my opinion but I don't think we as women should make men feel bad for looking at porn as men are very visual creatures and to make them feel ashamed at looking at porn, it's only going to make them hide it or resent you.

Porn isn't cheating, anymore than looking at Playboy in the bathroom and choking the chicken. If he's actually talking to other women then I would go ape shit. If he was sleeping with other women then I would kill him dead. It all boils down to how you feel after hearing other sides and opinions. I think getting a guys perspective would better help your situation. Hope everything works out

 

[SazraD]

Very well said Lilbit, I agree completely. Oh and if only there were guys on here to give their opinion!!!

 

[Jo_Bean]

I think that maybe you feel a bit more 'cheated' because it was something you didn't know about and the face to face reaction wasn't the ideal.

I don't agree that looking at porn makes a man more likely to cheat at all. I think it probably gives enough people an outlet that probably halves the number of men cheating on their wives to be honest.

The vast majority of men are visually stimulated. Women are mentally stimulated - this is scientific fact. This is why the shades of grey books sold so many copies. Do you think if you read those books that your OH would think you were cheating?

Twitter is full of internet trolls. I get about 6 of those 'naked women' follow me every week asking me if I want to spank them etc. I just hit the block button, many people probably follow back.

I don't think for 1 second that he believes anything that is written or posted on twitter by these 'women'. He will know that they are probably 50 yr old spinsters earning some extra cash or even 17 year old boys competing to find out how many follows they can get. It doesn't mean anything at all.

I think that women would be surprised at how many 'normal' family men look at porn on the internet. I bet at least half of the people out there that swear blind their other halves don't do it are actually living with the top 3% of porn site visitors. It's not something we can get away from and a lot of women wouldn't want to.

I'm not saying that I don't have a pang of jealousy when my husband has obviously been looking online at such things, but I know that having been together for 15 years and neither of us cheating and both of us being honest and open about our likes and dislikes, porn has (whether I like it or not) played a part in keeping us together.

We are naive to think that 2 people can 100% satisfy each other forever. Fantasy and sharing that fantasy are a very important part of a relationship.

I would suggest talking to him about why he needs to do it, but being careful not to make him embarrassed and feel like a little boy as he will just close down, then say how it makes you feel. Tell him that it's the lies that upset you and if you feel the need to ask him and be reassured by him, you would love it if he could just be honest with you.

You need to find a level at which you are comfortable with this, some people won't tolerate it at all, everyone is different.

For me, I let him get on with it, when we were ttc, he said he wouldn't do anything like that around Ov time and waste his spermies and then sometimes I would watch it with him - once he's watched it with you and you both enjoy it together, he will find it easier to be honest and open and maybe even think of you when he's at it! But, you have to agree between you what you are comfy with - just try not to have an unrealistic or unreasonable reaction. If you feel that it's wrong, then that's fine, but don't berate him for something if he wasn't sure about where the boundaries were in the first place.

But for the record. Following naked women on twitter - not cheating. Meeting up with the naked women on twitter - bad behaviour, harsh words said, possibly end of relationship. Shagging the naked women on twitter - cheating resulting in decapitation or loss of manhood and divorce.

and

If my husband caught me looking at porn or following hot men on twitter - he'd be turned on and not upset at all.

 

[Mrs5707]

I think that maybe you feel a bit more 'cheated' because it was something you didn't know about and the face to face reaction wasn't the ideal.

I don't agree that looking at porn makes a man more likely to cheat at all. I think it probably gives enough people an outlet that probably halves the number of men cheating on their wives to be honest.

The vast majority of men are visually stimulated. Women are mentally stimulated - this is scientific fact. This is why the shades of grey books sold so many copies. Do you think if you read those books that your OH would think you were cheating?

Twitter is full of internet trolls. I get about 6 of those 'naked women' follow me every week asking me if I want to spank them etc. I just hit the block button, many people probably follow back.

I don't think for 1 second that he believes anything that is written or posted on twitter by these 'women'. He will know that they are probably 50 yr old spinsters earning some extra cash or even 17 year old boys competing to find out how many follows they can get. It doesn't mean anything at all.

I think that women would be surprised at how many 'normal' family men look at porn on the internet. I bet at least half of the people out there that swear blind their other halves don't do it are actually living with the top 3% of porn site visitors. It's not something we can get away from and a lot of women wouldn't want to.

I'm not saying that I don't have a pang of jealousy when my husband has obviously been looking online at such things, but I know that having been together for 15 years and neither of us cheating and both of us being honest and open about our likes and dislikes, porn has (whether I like it or not) played a part in keeping us together.

We are naive to think that 2 people can 100% satisfy each other forever. Fantasy and sharing that fantasy are a very important part of a relationship.

I would suggest talking to him about why he needs to do it, but being careful not to make him embarrassed and feel like a little boy as he will just close down, then say how it makes you feel. Tell him that it's the lies that upset you and if you feel the need to ask him and be reassured by him, you would love it if he could just be honest with you.

You need to find a level at which you are comfortable with this, some people won't tolerate it at all, everyone is different.

For me, I let him get on with it, when we were ttc, he said he wouldn't do anything like that around Ov time and waste his spermies and then sometimes I would watch it with him - once he's watched it with you and you both enjoy it together, he will find it easier to be honest and open and maybe even think of you when he's at it! But, you have to agree between you what you are comfy with - just try not to have an unrealistic or unreasonable reaction. If you feel that it's wrong, then that's fine, but don't berate him for something if he wasn't sure about where the boundaries were in the first place.

But for the record. Following naked women on twitter - not cheating. Meeting up with the naked women on twitter - bad behaviour, harsh words said, possibly end of relationship. Shagging the naked women on twitter - cheating resulting in decapitation or loss of manhood and divorce.

and

If my husband caught me looking at porn or following hot men on twitter - he'd be turned on and not upset at all.

You are a little out of line referring to the comments of other posters, including myself, who say that their husbands don't look at porn. I know for a FACT that my husband DOES NOT look at that trash. He may "do the deed" himself from time to time, I suspect all guys do, but porn is very well beneath him. Porn is a parasite that RUINS families and relationships. I feel sorry for the women that choose to/have to put up with it.

 

[teenah99]

I think it's pretty serious too. I'd have major reservations about marrying him. Some women have said that it's okay becuase it's fantasy...well, unfaithfulness starts somewhere and I bet it rarely starts as a full-blown affair. Also, consider your own feelings. If it were me, I would feel as hurt as if it HAD been a full blown affiar. I've read of women on here (upon discovering their husband is looking at porn) feeling horrible, being upset, sad, and worthless and feeling like they've been cheated on (but are confused, casue it wasn't a "real" person)...It hurts... It really hurts because it IS real. Your feelings ARE real, not "fantasy."

For my husband and I, faithfulness begins with the heart and mind. Porn is an addiction, and it that ever crossed our path, we would recieve marriage and addiction counseling because it would affect both of us in different, disturbing ways. We had that convo before marriage, and thankfully he is a man of character and realizes that it is an addiction and to stay away from it like the plague. It ruins marriages and self-respect.

I know this may not be the "politically correct" or "popular" opinion...but really? Really??? It's acceptable?? I personally believe men are capable of harnessing their minds and bodies. I support my husband in being and becoming a wonderful man, father, and husband who will teach our daughters to love and respect themselves and teach our sons to cherish and respect women...and that starts with how the father treats his wife. "Real" or not, porn is not respectful towards women nor being fully faithful to wives. Also, to those to see no harm- addictions tend to escalate. When a certain level of promisuity doesn't "do it for them" anymore, they seek harder stuff... and then harder stuff... and sure, some may never cross the "virtual" line, but by then, they've eroded their own self-character so far that they aren't the same person. This stuff is SO destructive to the self and to relationships... why would anyone want to take that chance? Just google porn addiction and family... to see the terrible stories and also ways to help your loved one.

That being said, we all have faults. Give him a chance if you feel that he is enlightened or that this was just an experiement. Give him all the tools to understand how to fight against it and understand just how harmful it is for a family and your relationship.

EXACTLY! I'm too tired to post, esp on this topic...but YOU ARE SO RIGHT...

 

[helena]

I think you feeling undesirable has more to do with you than this twitter business. Really, I used to get really wound up about such things, even music videos with raunchy dancers, porn or excessively erotic tv etc always made me so mad, made me insecure and I wanted to be everything to my man, his every fantasy, his only love. Well, years on I am fully secure and it really wouldn't bother me if he looked at page 3. If he glanced at a shift calendar. It doesn't make me insecure. It wouldn't define who he is. He is so much more.

The poor guy is probably saying it was a laugh because you made him feel embarrassed. You clearly wouldn't understand if he thought another bdy was attractive, so he is ashamed and embarrassed, like a boy being caught looking at the bra section of a catalogue b his mum.
I do think you can get overly wound up by this, or chose to let it go and get on with having a happy life. It's the same with trust issues, we can chose to trust and see what happens and live a happy life, or we can be suspicious and get eaten up the whole time. What a waste of life that is.
We can't change people, thats not healthy and people won't always have the same views as us. That's ok.
There are many more important things in life. If he got seriously sick tomorrow, life threatening, wouldn't you feel bad for making him feel so awful for something that wasn't meant to humor upset you, and is relatively normal whatever we all think.
It's no reflection on you or your relationship. But your insecurity may be? Just a thought.

 

[Stelly]

You are a little out of line referring to the comments of other posters, including myself, who say that their husbands don't look at porn. I know for a FACT that my husband DOES NOT look at that trash. He may "do the deed" himself from time to time, I suspect all guys do, but porn is very well beneath him. Porn is a parasite that RUINS families and relationships. I feel sorry for the women that choose to/have to put up with it.

I understand you felt she was out of line- BUT how does it help by going even more over the line with that response? Your husband and relationship is not above/better than any of the ladies who have an open relationship about porn with their spouses. Just like none of the ladies who are open to it are above/better than those who don't allow it.

That's great your husband doesn't look at porn and thats an aspect of your relationship... but where do you get the gall to say that those who do are basically going to have a ruined family and relationship?

sorry- that may have been a preggo hormone rant- but that is not OK in my book.

 

[Mrs5707]

You are a little out of line referring to the comments of other posters, including myself, who say that their husbands don't look at porn. I know for a FACT that my husband DOES NOT look at that trash. He may "do the deed" himself from time to time, I suspect all guys do, but porn is very well beneath him. Porn is a parasite that RUINS families and relationships. I feel sorry for the women that choose to/have to put up with it.

I understand you felt she was out of line- BUT how does it help by going even more over the line with that response? Your husband and relationship is not above/better than any of the ladies who have an open relationship about porn with their spouses. Just like none of the ladies who are open to it are above/better than those who don't allow it.

That's great your husband doesn't look at porn and thats an aspect of your relationship... but where do you get the gall to say that those who do are basically going to have a ruined family and relationship?

sorry- that may have been a preggo hormone rant- but that is not OK in my book.

I didn't say that it ruins ALL relationships but it is a BAD SEED that can lead to many other problems. That is a fact. Whether or not the women that allow it choose to see it that way is their deal, not mine. I didn't say I'm better, but I am seperating myself and my husband from the insinuation that I don't know what he does or that he does it just because "most family men" do it. That is unfair and totally incorrect. The fact that I think it is purely disgusting is my opinion and I have just as much right to express it as anyone else here. It is exploitation of women in it's worst form, and from what another poster said I WILL NOT support means for the men to exploit and abuse the women that play in those movies. I don't appreciate insinuations being made on my intelligence or my husband's integrity. Period.

 

[Stelly]

You are a little out of line referring to the comments of other posters, including myself, who say that their husbands don't look at porn. I know for a FACT that my husband DOES NOT look at that trash. He may "do the deed" himself from time to time, I suspect all guys do, but porn is very well beneath him. Porn is a parasite that RUINS families and relationships. I feel sorry for the women that choose to/have to put up with it.

I understand you felt she was out of line- BUT how does it help by going even more over the line with that response? Your husband and relationship is not above/better than any of the ladies who have an open relationship about porn with their spouses. Just like none of the ladies who are open to it are above/better than those who don't allow it.

That's great your husband doesn't look at porn and thats an aspect of your relationship... but where do you get the gall to say that those who do are basically going to have a ruined family and relationship?

sorry- that may have been a preggo hormone rant- but that is not OK in my book.

I didn't say that it ruins ALL relationships but it is a BAD SEED that can lead to many other problems. That is a fact. Whether or not the women that allow it choose to see it that way is their deal, not mine. I didn't say I'm better, but I am seperating myself and my husband from the insinuation that I don't know what he does or that he does it just because "most family men" do it. That is unfair and totally incorrect. The fact that I think it is purely disgusting is my opinion and I have just as much right to express it as anyone else here. It is exploitation of women in it's worst form, and from what another poster said I WILL NOT support means for the men to exploit and abuse the women that play in those movies. I don't appreciate insinuations being made on my intelligence or my husband's integrity. Period.

It is not a fact- it's your opinion. So you don't appreciate insinuations being made on your husband's integrity... well nor do I. Which is exactly what your previous posts are doing. One woman says something you disagreed with, I'm sorry- but I dont think that justifies insulting others who weren't involved. Its the pot calling the kettle black. That is all I am saying.

 

[Alexsmomplus1]

There are always different opinions of what's acceptable in a marriage. Someone who has an open relationship can't expect those who are disgusted by porn to just look away and roll their eyes, and vice versa say an open relationship will be ruined by it.

The point is Gemma doesn't like it. A lot of women don't. I don't think any amount of explaining that looking at other women (twitter, porn, magazines) is normal and acceptable if it really hurts someone. It's about supporting her feelings, not convincing her otherwise on what she feels is unacceptable for her marriage.

Gemma, I don't think you over-reacted, and I don't blame you for feeling hurt. Pregnancy and high stress over your upcoming wedding can elevate the situation, so do give yourself time to find the root of what hurts so much about it, then sit down and point blank tell him "I don't like ----- because it makes me feel -----. The reason why is -------." He'll stick with his reasoning behind it, but tell him you are not asking for an excuse, just point blank why it hurts you, regardless of it's integrity. Tell him everything you told us. Then ask him what he thinks is acceptable for you to do and also for him to do that won't go past the limits of what you both find comfortable in your relationship.

 

[orangefish]

Hope you've calmed down a little now hun. For yours and baby's sake. It's not a nice feeling when something eats you up like that 😒

I am actually one of those girls on twitter (not your hubby's) but I'm an adult lactating/pregnant model and use twitter to advertise my site. I have lots of adult entertainer friends on there too and I can say that everything we do and say is absolute crap its all fake. I could be rushing around preparing dinner at home but may tweet 'just getting ready for webcam, who's wanting to watch?'

And most other girls are the same. It's all about working on men's minds and sucking them in to earn my monthly wage 😄

It's literally a job and nothing more

Please try not to get yourself too worked up over it. But I can of course understand why you would

Hope this helps xxxx

 

[Mrs5707]

You are a little out of line referring to the comments of other posters, including myself, who say that their husbands don't look at porn. I know for a FACT that my husband DOES NOT look at that trash. He may "do the deed" himself from time to time, I suspect all guys do, but porn is very well beneath him. Porn is a parasite that RUINS families and relationships. I feel sorry for the women that choose to/have to put up with it.

I understand you felt she was out of line- BUT how does it help by going even more over the line with that response? Your husband and relationship is not above/better than any of the ladies who have an open relationship about porn with their spouses. Just like none of the ladies who are open to it are above/better than those who don't allow it.

That's great your husband doesn't look at porn and thats an aspect of your relationship... but where do you get the gall to say that those who do are basically going to have a ruined family and relationship?

sorry- that may have been a preggo hormone rant- but that is not OK in my book.

I didn't say that it ruins ALL relationships but it is a BAD SEED that can lead to many other problems. That is a fact. Whether or not the women that allow it choose to see it that way is their deal, not mine. I didn't say I'm better, but I am seperating myself and my husband from the insinuation that I don't know what he does or that he does it just because "most family men" do it. That is unfair and totally incorrect. The fact that I think it is purely disgusting is my opinion and I have just as much right to express it as anyone else here. It is exploitation of women in it's worst form, and from what another poster said I WILL NOT support means for the men to exploit and abuse the women that play in those movies. I don't appreciate insinuations being made on my intelligence or my husband's integrity. Period.

It is not a fact- it's your opinion. So you don't appreciate insinuations being made on your husband's integrity... well nor do I. Which is exactly what your previous posts are doing. One woman says something you disagreed with, I'm sorry- but I dont think that justifies insulting others who weren't involved. Its the pot calling the kettle black. That is all I am saying.

You are still missing the point. It is a fact that porn CAN lead to more problems. That is a factual statement. Put it in google and see how many stories there are of broken families and porn addiction. Everything I've said has already been said by several other posters, not sure why you're taking everything I say to heart... but anyways... This is NOT TRUE for every situation, maybe I should be crystal clear on that. BUT when it comes to my marriage, and I"m sure a lot of other women on here feel the same way, are not willing to risk the possibility of allowing something that CAN POSSIBLY lead to other issues. We are only human. Humans by nature are susceptible to addictions. And this is what I mean by problems. And that is what I mean when I say that my husband doesn't look at it and I WILL NOT tolerate it in no way shape or form. Not an insecurity of mine, rather than insurance for my marriage. I don't want my kids going to daddy's on the weekends or living a broken life. I grew up that way. I will do whatever I have to do to avoid that in my adult life and for my children. I will put up whatever walls I need to to insure that won't happen. And I'm obviously painting a very broad picture because this porn thing goes along with a lot of other things that don't go on in my marriage that very well may go on in other happy, committed marriages. Some people are just more tolerable, however due to my life experiences, I am not.

 

[orangefish]

You're welcome Gemma (for your thanks)

I just want to say that despite the persons job (which is all that it is) we're all mums, wives, girlfriends etc

if you met me, you wouldn't guess my 'job' I'm a devoted wife and mother. I'm just a normal girl that wants the best for her family

Hope you are well xx

 

[orangefish]

Haha... I prefer my husband to
Look at porn sometimes. It means he's not bothering me 😃😃😊😄