frustrated with hubby not understanding!!

[mcwhmm]

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband like crazy and we have a great relationship, but ever since I got pregnant, he is so wishy washy. He doesn't understand what I am feeling is real. We don't have sex as much at all anymore because I am just simply not feeling it between being bloated and just exhausted. I have no desire for sex at all anymore. He takes this personally and gets mad and doesn't get it. I have explained to him that this will change and I want him to be there for me but he will be fine for a day and then back to being mad. Plus the last week especially I have been soo extremely tired that I could sleep all night and still sleep all day. He doesn't get this at all! Like today for example, I started classes, I'm taking 4 online classes along with working full time. My schedule worked out today to where I was off for the afternoon and so I worked on my classes to try to get ahead right form the get go to relieve some stress. Then I just wanted to relax and made supper and ate and just had a chill night watching tv. I ended up falling asleep and wake up to him slamming the bathroom door getting ready for work (he works third shift) it all wakes me up to the point where I am awake. He then storms out of the room and I come out of the room also due to DD crying from having a fever and waking up in sweat and he kisses me and then slams the door and leaves. I say I'm sorry for being so tired, which I feel like I shouldn't even have to apologize for anyways, and he just says "I'm fine." in a sarcastic manner.. Then he will say things like, "I don't have to kiss your feet and worship you just because your pregnant." and say "most pregnant people do this and most pregnant people do that." which I try to explain that every pregnancy is different! The thing that frustrates me so much though is that me being tired isn't all the issue. If I were to have sex with him before I fell asleep, he wouldn't have even been mad.. Sorry this is just a rant but I am so fed up and cry to him all the time about it but it's like talking to a brick wall!

 

[Blizzy]

Sorry hun!! It's hard for guys to understand how it feels to be pregnant, that everything changes and we aren't really in much control over any of it. My hubby got like this with out first, I was very sick and as soon as he was around when I was throwing up he realized how awful it was. For some reason he thought it wasn't as bad as I was telling him. Anyways, it sounds like you hubby is storming around like that because he feels like he isn't getting enough of your attention. Not sure if there is anything little you could do for him to show him that this is a temporary thing, once you are in second trimester you may feel so much different, but until then this is what you need and all you can handle. Hope things get better for you!!

 

[Peanutt]

I got my DH a book called "My Boys Can Swim". It was written by a guy who does a good job explaining about everything women go through. The book is really funny and is truly a "guys book". One of his best points was that men can "get away from" the pregnancy but women can't and that there's other things besides just hormones we are dealing with.
DH really loves the book and since learning that two of his employees have girlfriends/wives are expecting, he bought them copies too.

 

[mcwhmm]

That's a great idea! Where did you purchase it at?? I was going to include his email in my weekly updates, but I don't think that will do the trick. I just feel like if he heard things from someone other than me then he would understand that I am not making excuses and not just being lazy.

 

[Laurans]

Same here I almost feel a fraud when I tell him about my feelings or pains etc!
This is how I look at it.....
Firstly I appreciate women have been having babies since the beginning of time and in the past may have even done it on a bed of leaves with a stick to bite down on etc etc
BUT we are actually growing a human being inside us..... That is the biggest thing that is ever going to happen to our body! So husbands think how bad you feel when you have the flu or groin strain (or when my husband had a bunion on his foot which was extremely painful and needed little bunion cushions and ice packs and lots of TLC you get the picture!) or if you had a growth in your belly that was going to grow to the size of melon !!!!!! husbands need to remember all of all the sympathy and TLC they need when things happen to them and remember what we are going through! Plus they also get something good at the end of our suffering and I don't remember ever benefitting from husbands pain! Lol

Now for the most part I don't think we complain too much (and I count myself lucky for the wonderful albeit uncomfortable experience of pregnancy!) but a bit of sympathy and understanding from men wouldn't go amiss!!!
Wishing you all healthy pregnancies
X

 

[mcwhmm]

I almost feel like I'm asking too much... But I feel like I should get more respect than I am getting. Like this morning for example, I can't stop throwing up! Morning sickness has hit my full force. I couldn't even shower because I couldn't stop and now I'm laying on the couch and have to leave in 25 min to get to work on time and I'm not even dressed and my daughter is still sleeping... What does he do? He just says " not good "

 

[Peanutt]

That's a great idea! Where did you purchase it at?? I was going to include his email in my weekly updates, but I don't think that will do the trick. I just feel like if he heard things from someone other than me then he would understand that I am not making excuses and not just being lazy.

I got it at Barnes and Noble.

 

[mcwhmm]

Thanks! I'll have to look into that! I think it would be a funny read even for myself! Lol.. I think this week I'm going to just TRY to not complain or mention anything and see how that goes.. Sometimes I feel as if it's just because I'm not showing yet (other than bloating) and so he doesn't really recognize that I'm pregnant. Like to me it's a constant thing that's on my mind, but obviously to him it won't be because he's not carryingn the baby

 

[Laurans]

Thanks! I'll have to look into that! I think it would be a funny read even for myself! Lol.. I think this week I'm going to just TRY to not complain or mention anything and see how that goes.. Sometimes I feel as if it's just because I'm not showing yet (other than bloating) and so he doesn't really recognize that I'm pregnant. Like to me it's a constant thing that's on my mind, but obviously to him it won't be because he's not carryingn the baby

Yes I think your right about 'not showing' I guess it's out of sight out of mind for some! I think my hubby wonders why I'm always on forums and reading stuff but for me (like most women I imagine) it's all consuming....what shouldn't I eat , what should I be eating, what do I even fancy to eat?? how much caffeine have I had, what are my blood sugars (diabetic!) did I take my folic acid/vitamins/aspirin/progesterone, what is that pain etc etc.
BUT to be fair to hubby, he can't see all that in my head and from the outside I'm carrying on as normal!
Sorry to hear yours isn't exactly being helpful when it's more physically obvious your struggling. (Im so lucky not to have MS) I'm sure he loves you to bits but sounds like he's being a bit selfish to me! Could you sit him down and talk about it? Is he having a man meltdown and scared about something?
Hope you feel better soon

 

[RayeAnne]

Sorry hun! Trust me, you're not alone. This is a season in your life where you're tired and hungry and cranky and all kinds of things! He needs to know this isn't your life forever. Maybe take him somewhere he likes to eat or something he enjoys doing and have a little chat with him about this. Tell him how much his support means to you. Maybe lift his spirits a bit. He needs to know how much you NEED his support. One day, he'll need your support as well. Sorry you're going through this

 

[LuckyMama13]

My hubby was that was with my very first pregnancy. I was okay until the 8th month and just suddenly swelled up like a blowfish and my feet hurt sooooooo bad to walk! He wanted to go out all the time and I would end up sitting on the floor in the middle of walmart to get the pressure off my feet because they hurt so bad. He was so rude and kept saying his sister didn't have this trouble with her pregnancy and she never complained and she she she.... Well, I got his sister on the phone and she gave him hell! She said you hardly saw me! I didn't leave the house! I was miserable and sick! Haha. This is the 3rd round, and he is an absolute sweetheart. He keeps asking if I am craving anything and offering to cook instead of me. They do demand attention but I believe that they become less self-absorbed over time and trials. Hopefully your hubby does the same!

 

[Dini]

Sorry you are going through this hon! I can see my DH doing that as well though. So far he's been okay because we've been trying for 4 years and we are both worried sick that something will go wrong, but he does get irritated with me and I feel bad for being so tired and not cooking dinner because of the nausea and everything else. I think a lot of it is they feel left out of the pregnancy because it seems like it is happening to just "us" but it really is happening to both of us, we just happen to be the ones to suffer physically as well as emotionally and women are just plain neurotic!!

I have my first ultrasound tomorrow and I'm hoping that brings it more to the surface and he can participate a bit more.

 

[mcwhmm]

Yeah! I don't mean to just go on bashing him because I know there is more that I can do to help the situation too. Just takes work on both sides! And I think it really does have a lot to do with the fact that I'm just coming up on 7 weeks and although I am bloated and what not, I am not showing so I think it's something in the back of his mind that he just doesn't realize because he isn't the one feeling things and carrying the baby.

 

[Dini]

Yeah you are probably right about that, it's hard for them I'm sure and all the changes we go through that are invisible to them in the beginning, and I'm sure they feel left out. We are tired and cranky, nauseated and in pain and they can't fix it. You know how men like to fix things lol. Maybe that book really is a good idea! Will he get to come with you to your ultrasound whenever that is? Maybe that will help.

 

[DD80]

I'm not sure what you have to work on? Yes, marriage is a two way street, but there are some times that we carry them, and some times that they have to carry us. I have bad MS, and while my husband has a hard time putting himself in my shoes, he has never me feel bad because he isn't getting any action. If he had food poisoning or the stomach flu (which is what I feel like!), I wouldn't be upset if he wasn't having sex with me.

He has been carrying me for sure by doing my half of the cleaning, laundry, and making himself food (which is something I usually enjoy doing). I thank him all the time for these things...and he deserves it! He said the other day that he realized that if he were in my shoes, he'd be such a grump all the time so he's proud of me because I'm not. And I though about that - and he's right! He'd be such a grump! Lol.

My point is, the way your husband is acting is selfish and childish. This is a time that he needs to man up and carry you. He can take care of himself for a few months. He needs to work on his attitude and learn a little empathy. And please get some meds for your MS...there is no need to suffer.

 

[Mintastic]

Sorry your DH is being so unsupportive - is he the father of your DD and if so how was he for that pregnancy?

Mostly I just wanted to say - holy cow working full time, 4 online classes and preggers? I don't know how I am going to manage with work and 2 online classes! I already told work that I might cut my days back if I get overwhelmed (due to coursework not pregnancy which I won't disclose until I have to).
Maybe it is possible you really have taken on too much? Would it be possible to scald back your course load or work hours at all so you could be a bit more present at home?

 

[summer2011]

Well I'm glad to hear it's not just my hubby being a pain! He constantly wants to be going out and all I want to do is nap. I spent 2 nights away with him and his family and I just feel like I need about 3 days sleep after.

 

[mcwhmm]

Well since my morning sickness really just started on Monday and e works third shift so I am gone before he wakes up in the morning, today was the firsts day he has actually SEEN me be sick and see how miserable I am.. I'll admit I'm one of those people who tend to complain sometimes a lot, (lol oops.. Partly my fault) so I don't think he really understood how bad it was until he actually saw it for himself. with my DD it was completely different. I had no change in my sex drive, barely any fatigue, no morning sickness at all, really no symptoms what so ever.. So neither one of us is used to this. I have cut back on my work schedule a little bit and my hubby has a great job and has been helping out. I think with me being pregnant and starting classes all just hitting at the same time it has been overwhelming for both of us. Also being a man there's a lot he doesn't understand.. Like last night before bed I was eating some crackers and ginger ale and I was talking to him about a few of the suggestions that I have gotten for my sickness and he was openly talking about it with me for the first time and said that every pregnancy is different so what works for some may not work for me and vice versa. This was awesome to hear him say because I have been trying to drill that into his head for like 2 weeks now lol

 

[Cattia]

Glad to hear you're making progress
My DH is also driving me up the wall. To give him his due, he doesn't complain about the lack of sex, but he makes SUCH a big deal out of having to do more around the house. When I tell him I'm not feeling up to something he will say "well I suppose I'll have to do it then" and go stomping off like a child. We've been arguing loads. I work five days a week and we already have two children. I sort out all the childcare arrangements and I'm the only one who thinks about what the kids need to get ready for the next day. He's not a bad man but he's doing my head in. I told him today that if he had one day of feeling like I've felt for the past three weeks he wouldn't even be able to get his sorry arse out of bed. Roll on second tri!!

 

[LuckyMama13]

I'm glad he's making progress! My husband wasn't at all supportive of our first child- and that baby was PLANNED. Literally...I am in labor and I'm hot as hell because of the contractions and all red faced and flushed...and he had the nerve to ask the nurse to turn down the air conditioning because he felt cold...and ladies...he was reclining on a chair, feet propped up, and watching cartoon network. Until this very day, I've NEVER let him live it down. The nurse kind of laughed and said seriously? No! Now he is awesome (Thank God!) but regresses every once in a while and makes a smart mouthed quip like "can you do.....oh wait...I know I know, you're SO tired because you are creating a baby inside you that looks like a shrimp..." Man o man....Men I tell ya! LOL