Getting my husband to BD!

[patricia_b]

Hi all - im not sure if this is the right place to post this as im new to the site but would love some advice on a problem im having.
Ive been ttc for seven months now and been with my husband for 3 years.
The problem is that we had a normal love life before ttc but now that we are TTC his willingness to BD wether fertile or not has gradually diminished to the point its hard to catch the fertile window. Ive tried everything from lingere to dvds.
I asked if he is still as keen to have a baby as me and he insists he is and got a bit defensive saying he cant help it if he doesnt feel like BD as much now.
Its causing strife at a time when we need to be focussing on TTC and really getting me down.
Are any others here having this problem with a partner losing interest in BD?. If so what did you do to solve the problem? Im at my wits end with this. Im sure its ttc thats doing this as we were fine before then.

 

[Sunshine12]

Im not having this problem yet but we have spoken about it in the past and he has told me that if he felt that we were only having sex because we were TTC then it would be a complete turn off for him and the whole idea of having sex would be ruined because he would think I have a hidden agenda and not actually wanting to do it because I fancy him etc. He also said that he would feel really pressured if he knew it was during my ovulation days. Its a bit of tough one though as if there are only a few days in the month that you can conceive its likely you will want to do it during those days. Ive taken the decision not to tell him when Im ovulating so he cant read anything into it if I try and instigate things. Really hope you get it sorted out hun. Maybe you could try just not talking about the TTC thing with him for a while and hopefully it will go back to normal?? xxx

 

[opticalillus5]

Hi Patricia,

I can't say I've had this particular problem, but a few years ago when I was TTC my daughter I know that it became really routine, and all focussed on 'baby making' rather than having fun. Also, because it tended to be all I could think about, It did kinda put my fella off a little. Sticking my legs in the air for half hour after wasn't exactly a turn on, and he didn't share my enthusiasm for working out ovulation days etc etc.

I don't think that it is because he doesn't want a baby; maybe he's worried too? He might be feeling really insecure, and worried that there is something wrong with his 'little men'. I know that my partner was really suprised with all the effort that went in to making a baby; they seem to think that you do it once and 'hey-presto' you're pregnant. It may be getting him down more than you realise... I know how much it hurt me when I saw the negative test every month - maybe it's hurting him too?


Best of luck hun, it's difficult to work out what's going on in a fella's mind at the best of times! *hugs* xXx

 

[Carrie29]

I had this problem for a while, i think it's just because it feels like you're not really making love it's more of a task and they get a bit scared. I have very long cycles so not sure when i will or if ovulate so we have to every other night all the time. I dressed up as Mrs Santa Claus the other night, that seemed to help ... my OH is just as excited about trying for a baby as me but it does feel like hard work sometimes..

Good luck x

 

[patricia_b]

Thanks for the feedback all. I can understand what your saying about the guy feeling BD is just for babymaking rather than because i want to. But i do want to and im always willing to BD whatever cycle day im on. Its just very hard to talk to him about it because he gets very defensive.
Ive thought maybee there could be a medical reason but discarded that because its too closely tied to us TTC.
Carrie i have tried the dressing up and even brought home a dvd on my first fertile day a few months ago and he didnt want to watch it!.
Ill try not letting him know when im ovulating but he is quite clued up on my cycles. Thanks all.

 

[HippyMumma23]

Ok 1st of all, are you vocal about the days you are fertile, to him? If you are, stop telling him. To ease the 'pressure'.

Second of all, you need to go back to the roots he's probably uptight about not only being under pressure to perform but he may well be questioning his own manlyhood because you havent yet got pregnant.

Neither are these things exactly a turn on. If I were you, I would say right! No Bding for a couple of weeks, lets have fun again. It takes the pressure of him having to perform, it takes the pressure of him to get you pregnant. Start with a nice long bath, for him or for the both of you. Candles in a nice warm room, nice expensive smelling massga oil, a glass of wine, soothing music and play. Explore each other again and have fun, just forget the bding for the moment, because it sounds to me as if your husband needs to re discover his sex drive.

And whilst dressing up and dvd's seems a good idea, its simply adding to the pressure to perform and impregnante.

Go back to basics, and go back to making it fun again.

Good luck.x

 

[MrsH1980]

Hi, just wanted to add that I have found over the 10 or so years Dh and I have been together that sometimes he goes through 'lull' periods - we have always had a good sex life but he was nearly always the instigater so until we started TTC and I actually paid attention I never really noticed that sometimes he just doesn't want it (same as us ladies I guess - prior to TTC of course!!). I have to agree with the other girls too; I keep DH completely in the dark as to OV timing and fertile CM etc - the only thing he knows is a day or so before AF is due because I stalk around the house breathing fire LOL!

 

[patricia_b]

Ok 1st of all, are you vocal about the days you are fertile, to him? If you are, stop telling him. To ease the 'pressure'.

Second of all, you need to go back to the roots he's probably uptight about not only being under pressure to perform but he may well be questioning his own manlyhood because you havent yet got pregnant.

Neither are these things exactly a turn on. If I were you, I would say right! No Bding for a couple of weeks, lets have fun again. It takes the pressure of him having to perform, it takes the pressure of him to get you pregnant. Start with a nice long bath, for him or for the both of you. Candles in a nice warm room, nice expensive smelling massga oil, a glass of wine, soothing music and play. Explore each other again and have fun, just forget the bding for the moment, because it sounds to me as if your husband needs to re discover his sex drive.

And whilst dressing up and dvd's seems a good idea, its simply adding to the pressure to perform and impregnante.

Go back to basics, and go back to making it fun again.

Good luck.x

No im not overly vocal about ovulation day but he does see me doing my charts and knows i check CM. Im not sure he would even notice 2 weeks of no BD really, but i think the comments on easing the pressure on him are a good idea thanks.
I thought the dvd would be a nice surprise for him, but your right it could put pressure on him as well. Its also kind of nice to know im not the only one who has had this problem - thanks girls.

 

[shaerichelle]

patricia_b, My advice is to talk to him. I found out my hubby doesnt want it to feel like a chore. Because if it is he isnt going to be interested. I dont even tell him when I am going to ovulate or anything about my cycle. I did the first month. He felt under pressure..so I stoped. Also maybe take a break from ttc. Dont ask for BDing. Let him come to you. Sometimes you need to take a break.
Good Luck.

 

[FBbaby]

Men can go off sex because of stress, things on their mind or tiredness. My OH wasn't as active as normal a few months ago. I knew he was going through a difficult time at work, but because he didn't talk much about it, and still remained in a good mood overall, i didn't link the two and of course assumed it had something to do with his feelings towards ttc. One day, we talked about his work and I realised the situation was affecting him a lot more than I had thought because he made a special effort not to show how he felt about it. That's how he is, he keeps things inside to protect me but it showed itself through his 'not as keen attitude' to sex. Things got sorted at work and since then, he can't get off me, which suits me just fine!

 

[sunlover72]

I hope you dont mind a guys take on this.

First off to the ladies keeping their DH in the dark, are you sure they dont know when you ovulate etc?.

I know my DH cycle as well as she does in many ways .

Anyway ontopic, the key is make it clear you desire him and want to be intimate wether its fertile time or not. DVD's etc are fine, but- if you wheel them out when fertile then yes as others have said it will just pile on more pressure for him to 'fertilise you'. Also we arent daft and he will know why you have got the dvd..

The poster who suggested a bit of mutual TLC which doesnt lead to BD is spot on really, pamper each other, satisfy each other...but dont pressure him to BD.

Guys can lose their drive for a whole host of reasons, but as many have commented here, when TTC and you know your partner is ovulating it can add an element of pressure and take away from the fun.

I really hope the two of you sort things out.