Hate being a mum

[Ozzieshunni]

It does get easier and you will adjust to being a mum and feel better. The early days are very very hard and nobody actually warns you how difficult it actually can be. But you will see as lo gets older they are more fun. x

It's not really early days. She said her LO is 3 months old. Still early, but not early early.

 

[loz27]

There is nothing about this job I like. The screaming, the fussy feeding, feeling like a prisoner in my own home, the constant arguments with husband , the drudgery and total loss of identity. I don't even like my baby, let alone love her. She's nearly three months and there's nothing rewarding. I wish someone would have warned me his awful it would be. Im so very unhappy and wish I could turn back the clock and decide not to have children. Is this it?

i have always found the first months of having a baby extremely difficult. my first would constantly scream, she had reflux, wouldn't feed and i felt a complete failure and resented the situation. i remeber thinking why cant i just have a normal baby who feeds normal and doesnt scream all the time. this was one of the hardest times of my life. i had to get outside help as i just couldn't cope. i was also diagnosed with depression. with additional help things got much better.

i find myself in the same situation again with another reflux baby who as spent the first months of his life screaming most of the time. it can feel like you give, give, give and get nothing in return but now he is laughing and playful at times it is so much more rewarding and my heart melts everytime he smiles/laughs

as others have said i would go see your doc or speak to your hv. they are there to help. you aren't the first who as had these feelings in the first months of a babys life

 

[Itsychik]

Just wanted to send you

 

[Hellymay83]

I really think you should see your Gp. You may not think you have pnd but it does sound very much like it. You are not alone, there are alot of women out there that feel exactly the same as you. Discuss the way you are feeling towards your LO with someone, just telling someone can make you feel so much better. In the first few weeks I found it extremely difficult but the one thing I never did was bottle it all up inside. Im the first to admit when I cant cope with my LO if she being hard work. Heck on a few occasions I've called my dh out of work because I just couldn't cope. Telling people how you feel is the key to an easier baby. Trust me, I've been there. My LO is 10 weeks old now and I can honestly say I'm enjoying her because I tell people when I can't cope and don't be afraid to ask for help. My mil has katie once a week to give me a break

I hope you start to feel better soon hun. Xx

 

[aliss]

There is nothing about this job I like. The screaming, the fussy feeding, feeling like a prisoner in my own home, the constant arguments with husband , the drudgery and total loss of identity. I don't even like my baby, let alone love her. She's nearly three months and there's nothing rewarding. I wish someone would have warned me his awful it would be. Im so very unhappy and wish I could turn back the clock and decide not to have children. Is this it?

Wow, I wrote this at 3 months too Maybe I didn't, but I sure thought it. A very difficult baby can make life a living hell. In hindsight, I also had PND. Remember that PND is a higher risk when you have a difficult baby, I mean who wouldn't be miserable? I had said many many times when Alex was under 6-8 months that I wish I didn't have children.

I'm not sure what else to say but to echo that it really could be PND (and that it's not "just" PND that makes you feel this way but a hard baby makes life awful) and that when your baby hits mobility/toddler stage, your life will improve dramatically. Feel free to PM me if you want, I've been there and completely understand. When people haven't had a very hard baby, they really can't see how true it is to just regret motherhood. It's not always PND unfortunately! Yes, PND can exist too but sometimes people just hate being a mom when their babies are so hard and that's not unusual either.

 

[chysantheMUM]

Hi victoriav, its hard to say whether or not its pnd as I'm no expert and whilst I agree that feeling as though you don't even like your lo does sound extreme, I suspect thats not entirely true and that you were just having a bad moment at time of writing. Anyway what I really wanted to say is perhaps you're just not the baby type but that doesn't mean having children isn't right for you. I have a grown up son who has now left home and I fondly remember his childhood and how rewarding it was for me. So when I have moments with my LO now, when I think 'omg what have I done this for, its an absolute nightmare' I just have to remind myself that its exactly how I felt with my son but once the screaminig stopped and he was walking and talking, I found motherhood suited me to the ground and I wouldn't have changed a thing. So perhaps you're like me! Some people love the newborn phase, I'm not one of them, I love all the stuff that comes later So try to think of it more as a short term situation that will pass, because honestly it does get easier if you stick with it and you and you're lo have a long happy future to look forward, this is just one (admittedly difficult) year of your life

 

[Aunty E]

I disagree - I don't think it's all that extreme actually. I've never had the 'rush of love' for my children, it's always been a gradual thing personally. The first few months can feel like total drudgery, but it does get better. If you want my advice (and you may not), then you should identify what's causing these arguments with your OH and work on that. Then try and find something to enjoy about your baby. It was very important for me with my first to get out for a walk every day. I used to strap her on and go walk round the market or walk to the shops or just do ANYTHING not to be in the house all day. And tbh, it's brilliant when you go back to work. For me, my children are massively more enjoyable in small doses. Not everybody is cut out to be a full time mother, but I think I'm a good mother in the time that I spend with my children. I'd be vile if I had to stay at home with them all the time. It's a skill and a calling, just like any other vocation, and I don't have it. I'm not going to beat myself up about it either.

I hesitate to suggest this, but a mother and baby group might help - there's something very reassuring about sharing your frustrations and fears with other mothers. but for some people, they're a circle of hell. You could try it though?

 

[tiggerpony]

Just want to give you a hug x - I fekt like you in the first 2 months......you are very brave to admit it as I wasn't but ended up talking to my mum about it and now things are ok. If you feel like a prisoner why dont you stick klo in the their pram and take them out for a coffe?! well they obv dont have coffe...thats' for you ! But you get my drift. That's what I do when I feel down ( I still get down days......have been told mild PND?) and I meet up with a friend. What area are you in? Perhaps someone on here could meet up with you if they are near? x

 

[ready2bamum]

awwww, thats awfull that you feel like that, i really do hope that it gets better for you...i am sure that it will. Like the other poster i noticed that your ticker says 3 days pregnant??? i guess that would be impacting on your feelings too.....although i am unclear why you would want to be pregnant again if your having such and awfull experience.......? hope you feel better soon.xxxxxxxxx

 

[Aunty E]

Hun, I don't mean to be a crazy stalker lady, but I just checked out some of your other posts, and you actually do sound pretty depressed. With a horrid emcs like that, I'm not surprised you've been feeling rubbish, and sounds like the other ladies in your antenatal class aren't going to be any help. Do consider ADs, there's nothing wrong or shameful about taking them, you're not BFing so it won't hurt LO. Where are you based? Maybe BnB ladies could suggest some fun activity/less cheerful mummy friends for you. I see you've approached your GP, I'd suggest you do so again. Babies are drudgery in the first few months, and it's really not all that much fun, but you shouldn't be feeling this bad.

 

[Supermaiden]

I felt the samea t times after having my LO. I also had EMCS as LO was undetected breech. He was born in a room of strangers and didnt see OH for the first 5 minutes. I missed his first day or most of it as I was so groggy, and they wouldnt let me leave hospital (he couldnt latch on) when I wanted to go home and it got me down. I struggled once home as OH had to go back to work. I was expressing and couldnt cope with it it was so stressful so gave up after 11 days and bottle fed. Looking back Im sure it was PND that I have had in the last few months. I didnt feel much at all for my LO, just knew I needed to feed him, change his nappy etc but he could have been anyone's baby. I said to OH that I feel like Im just looking after someone elses baby but cant give him back. I struggled, I cried to my parents, but you know what, there is a light at the end of the tunnel! Now he is 4 months and I have to say it has got much easier! I found the first 3 months to be the most difficult time of my life! It is a lot to adjust to, and the lack of sleep doesnt help. I think go see your GP and tell them how you feel and see what they say. Just know that in time you will bond with your baby and you will feel better and love your baby. Last night my LO slept out at my sisters and I missed him so much I cried. I never thought I would feel like that..

 

[lilly77]

I don't think it's to do with Pnd tbh, I just don't think I'm cut out for this job. And there's nothing I can do about it. I Don't even know why I posted to be honest, just wanted to get it off my chest. Is it really that extreme?

I have to say, I don't think it's that extreme what you're feeling or that its severe PND. It IS a hard job, it's bloody hard! I had a really hard time with my screaming, fussy, still not sleeping through the night baby. I saw my friends with babies who are chilled out and they seem to be having a lovely time of it. Well, I'm not! I know exactly how you feel. Don't get me wrong, I love my baby so much - but especially in the beginning, I definitely took a while to bond with her. It caused arguments with me and DH, I wasn't sleeping at all, she screamed all the time. I was in tears most days. And I don't think it was PND, I think I have a 'challenging' baby. Even now at nearly 5 months, as beautiful and lovely as she is, she's still not laughing (she is smiling all the time though - at last a little reward!)

And I have an 8 yr old, so it's not my first baby and I know what I'm talking about. I would never wish I never had a 2nd baby, but I did wonder oh what have I done - quite a few times. It will get easier in time, I promise you. You are not the only one!!!!

Go and see your GP anyway just to talk. Because even though you may not have 'severe pnd' - I do think it would be very helpful to talk it out. I always feel much better talking to other mums who are feeling the same as me. It makes me feel very very alone when I just read about other mums who just love being a mum, love their good placid baby so much, chill out all day and have babies who sleep through the night.. It makes me feel very envious and doesn't help me at all, in fact, it makes me feel worse.

It gets easier I promise to you xxxxxxx

 

[Aidan's Mummy]

x

 

[lilly77]

Sorry I don't mean to imply you don't have PND - but personally for me, I knew I didn't have it - just that my baby seemed much much harder, more work, more unhappy than any other baby I'd seen. And I defy anyone to not feel this way when faced with a difficult baby. Even with the sunniest disposition to life, anyone would feel this way if they were not sleeping, been woken up every 2 hours for months on end, had a very demanding, constantly crying, whinging and upset baby.

You may indeed have PND but I felt like people were blaming it on ME feeling this way when I could see it wasn't! It helped me personally to know that she was difficult and it wasn't me 'not coping'. When my mum looked after her for a whole day and night she called me afterwards to say what a difficult and hard baby Ivy is - and she's a midwife with 4 children!! So i felt validated at least.

Just thought i'd say this before anyone jumped on me for saying you didn't have pnd!
xx

 

[HungryHippo]

I had a friend once tell me if she could turn back the clock she wouldn't have had kids. She enjoyed her life so much more before becoming a mom. I remember worrying I'd feel the same way. After all, we can't just take it back, can we? It's an effort for me on the days LO is fussy or isn't compatible with the life I used to lead. I know it's selfish of me - I have this little human now that takes priority. But the times I feel resentment towards motherhood are less and less frequent now that I'm getting the hang of things. Hopefully it will be the same for you. Mommy groups do help. After the 1st or 2nd visit the ladies really do let out all the truths. I think you're more normal than you might think. And maybe it is a touch of PND - I'm not an expert. But I did want to chime in that I've had similar feelings and wanted to send you hugs.

 

[Braven05]

Want to send hugs your way - but for the sake of your child and yourself you really need to bring someone into this in real life. For those who say feeling the way you do isn't extreme - I think its kind of unsafe. If you feel no bond and no love for your child...it kind of makes me worry for your child's safety. I'm not saying you'd do anything to hurt your LO but that can happen with sever PND. I know not all mothers have an instant bond with their babies and a traumatic birth certainly doesn't help with that...but I really don't think 3 months on you should still feel that way...and to not love or have a bond with your child...even if they are difficult. I mean, my babysitter sees my LO 3 times a week and is in love with her and she doesn't have to have a bond...I don't think its natural to feel the way you do. That being said, its also not healthy for you to continue to feel the way you do...and I can't imagine making it through everyday feeling like I have no joy...even if its just for your sake - you should see someone. Whether its PND or just normal depression, I think you'd benefit from having someone IRL to talk to. Does you husband know how bad things are? Anyways, hope things get better for you!

 

[xcharx]

x

 

[Aunty E]

I mean, my babysitter sees my LO 3 times a week and is in love with her and she doesn't have to have a bond.!

Yup, but your babysitter gets to give your baby back. It's a bit different, don't you think?

 

[AngelBunny]

hey hun

i felt this way in the first 10 days (on & off) and it passed by itself.. but to still be feeling it months down the line i would speak to your GP. those are dark feelings & you shouldn't have to feel that way everyday it will get better but sounds like you're gonna need a bit of help. i hated how i felt in the first few days & i really feel for you still going through it xx

 

[Braven05]

I mean, my babysitter sees my LO 3 times a week and is in love with her and she doesn't have to have a bond.!

Yup, but your babysitter gets to give your baby back. It's a bit different, don't you think?

Yes of course...was only trying to say that spending a lot of time with a baby - its hard to not get attached...or I think it is for most people. It is true she gets to give her back but she is with her 40 hours a week