Hate being a mum

[hollyrose]

i just wanted to say that for the first 3 months of being a new mum i just found it plain hard work! it was such a shock to be plummetted into a world of very little sleep, feeding, poo, wee, sick, neverending crying (or so it seemed)! i honestly did not strat enjoying my dd until she was about 3 or 4 months. around that time everything just fell into place. she was sleeping better, smiling more, i was feeling a lot better after the birth. i would definitely recommend getting out every day for at least half an hour. even if u just walk to the local cafe for a cofee, or the shop for a newspaper. and try to talk to someone when u go out, even just passing the time of day with a stranger breaks up the monotony of being at home all day with a baby.
i really hope u feel better soon and can start to enjoy ur beautiful new baby. xo

 

[satine51]

I'm guessing you've posted this after a really tough day huh? You sound exactly like me.

The first 5 months of my baby's life were hell. I hated a lot of it. I thought I'd made a mistake, I didn't bond with my LO very well (although deep down in the back of my mind I knew I loved her somehow and I also felt very protective over her) and I certainly didn't like her personality - she screamed 24/7, she had severe reflux, refused feeding, didn't sleep, wouldn't even look at (never mind be held by) ANYONE else. I couldn't get out the house and day in I watched the clock until my OH could come home and take her off my hands. We argued daily. How can anyone be expected to enjoy this?

I was diagnosed with PND and given anti-depressants. Do I think I had true PND? No. I think I had a very difficult demanding baby (nobody will ever understand these babies until they have 1 of their own), and very little support. However, I would say speak to your GP as the anti-depressants I was given really didn't lift my mood even if I wasn't truly depressed.

Things started to look up for me when LO was 5months and I'd say by the time she was 7months things were much better. By the time of her first birthday I loved her more than anything in the world and I haven't regretted anything. I'm working part-time now, inh the morning I bring her into bed for snuggles and kisses, we go to toddler groups every week, go long walks, we feed the swans, we build up blocks and knock them down and laugh, we cuddle while watching teletubbies.

I just want to say it will get better, one day a time. My LO is still very challenging but you do adjust and my mantra is "This too shall pass".

I found it easier once I started to accept my LO as she is and embrace her personality and her character. I remind myself that it's not her fault, it's the way she is and it's my job as her Mummy to love and protect her as well as help her turn into a happy, secure and confident child/teenager/adult. When LO is being really difficult I tell myself that she doesn't choose it and she needs me as her mother to be there for her and guide her in the right direction and support her through anything.

Does your husband help at night?? Do you have parents/inlaws who can give you an evening and overnight break once a week? It will really help xx

Thank you for this post, I really needed it! Everyone said that it gets better after 3 months, but to be honest! I am finding it more and more difficult. She used to nap, now if she goes down for longer than 20 mins I am ready to crack champagne open. Honestly, I probably get an hour of her nice behaviour a day. It's really tough, especially going out when I know I gat maximum 40 mins before she starts fussing big time. I love her, of course I do but I do find myself counting hours to her bedtime, everyday.

 

[cerrie311]

Ok, the first few months are hard. It doesn't seem very rewarding now, but it will get better and easier I promise!! In the mean time how are YOU doing are you no longer doing things you once took great pride in? For example, I always have to shower every day and have a clean house so for me if I started to not do those things that would be a red flag that something was wrong. I know social life takes a huge hit, but if you can try to get out with a friend for coffee and shopping (my friends and I do this all the time pushing our strollers at the mall having girl talk) Take some YOU only time when you can even if its to paint your nails or read a book when LO goes to bed, or when your SO comes home. Make a date to do something alone with you SO for a couple hrs. If you cant find anyone to watch LO take them along to a lunch date and a nice walk. You don't have to take my advise but I'm telling you this helped me so much during the first few months.

 

[janey1975]

I have been reading all of the posts here and it is obvious to me that some people just get difficult babies and/or just maybe don't like babies when they are so young. I never really liked other people's babies and whilst I love my little man I sometimes find it hard to like him when he is screaming and being difficult. I think I am just being honest whilst other people don't admit it. I know that once my baby gets older I will enjoy him more - I love babies when they can do more stuff and it is easier to work out what is wrong. When you have a baby that is demanding and you are in all day with that baby it is hard to be happy! So those that say it is 'very extreme' may have easier babies and/or love the first few months. By the way, I don't think it is helpful to tell the poster that her post is 'very extreme' - possibly a little judgemental (although I don't think that is what was intended)

Also, I don't know why everyone is trying to diagnose the poster, saying whether she does or does not have PND. Does it matter? I believe in treating the symptoms not trying to label.

I think some people have written very good honest posts that will have offered lots of support to the poster and readers of this thread. I know I feel much better knowing I am not alone and that others have not enjoyed this phrase but gone on to be much happier. I know from being around my sister's children that I will enjoy my little man more once he is 5/6 months and maybe that is the same for you.

I hope you feel better soon. Your feelings are not extreme, in my opinion (and I am a psychologist so do have a little expertise in the area).

Love to youxxx

 

[aliss]

I have been reading all of the posts here and it is obvious to me that some people just get difficult babies and/or just maybe don't like babies when they are so young. I never really liked other people's babies and whilst I love my little man I sometimes find it hard to like him when he is screaming and being difficult. I think I am just being honest whilst other people don't admit it. I know that once my baby gets older I will enjoy him more - I love babies when they can do more stuff and it is easier to work out what is wrong. When you have a baby that is demanding and you are in all day with that baby it is hard to be happy! So those that say it is 'very extreme' may have easier babies and/or love the first few months. By the way, I don't think it is helpful to tell the poster that her post is 'very extreme' - possibly a little judgemental (although I don't think that is what was intended)

Also, I don't know why everyone is trying to diagnose the poster, saying whether she does or does not have PND. Does it matter? I believe in treating the symptoms not trying to label.

I think some people have written very good honest posts that will have offered lots of support to the poster and readers of this thread. I know I feel much better knowing I am not alone and that others have not enjoyed this phrase but gone on to be much happier. I know from being around my sister's children that I will enjoy my little man more once he is 5/6 months and maybe that is the same for you.

I hope you feel better soon. Your feelings are not extreme, in my opinion (and I am a psychologist so do have a little expertise in the area).

Love to youxxx

I do agree with you in many ways. I will say that I honestly hated having a baby. Yes, I also had PND but having a very difficult baby is just... I can't even begin to describe it to someone who has never had one. They honestly don't understand and never will (just like I can't comprehend an easygoing baby). It tears you up from the inside, it is a horrible, miserable experience, and nothing makes it worse than people telling you that it 'gets better' or 'the first few weeks are so hard' (weeks, try year!!!). I know people say those things to mean well but tbh from my perspective... it's like when people tell me "it's for the better" when I had my MC. It completely misses the mark and doesn't recognize the gravity and longevity of the situation.

I have my hard days still at 17 months although it is nowhere near as bad as 17 days/weeks. I do encourage the OP to seek professional help like a doctor but at the same time until she can trade into the hospital for a new baby, it really is just about surviving this first year, day by day, and sometimes nothing really helps.

As someone who had PND and a very very hard baby, I was very HURT by some of the comments made to the OP on this thread, because they could have been made to me only 1 year ago. I won't go back & nitpick on them or point fingers, but I will just say that no, her feelings are not necessarily extreme, but the women who feel this way are afraid to speak out because they are terrified of being labelled bad mothers who can't cope. I suspect more women would feel this way if they had that kind of baby. But they don't, so they can't comprehend.

Extreme is wanting to hurt yourself or your baby, IMO. Recognizing that you hate the feeling of mothering a very hard baby to me is not extreme, it is simply a reality that needs to pass.

 

[bubbywings]

Hang in there hon. Sounds like you need a break. I think deep down inside we've all had some , maybe not all, of these feelings at one point. Can someone give you a break, so you can have some down time?

 

[victoriav]

Wow. I didn't have time to check this thread again till now. Im truly humbled that so many of you took time to help me. I am getting support from my gp, just getting frustrated that the fog is taking so long to lift.

Its interesting that some think it's the Pnd talking, and some say having a baby is just bloody hard work. I think my reality. In all honesty lies between the two.

I do think it's taboo to express any negative feelings about your baby and motherhood so I'm glad I've been able to do so and some of you have been able to relate.

We see so many images in the media of perfect mothers, perfectly dressed, perfectly happy with perfect little babies whom they love everything about. I can only assume they all cry behind closed doors like the rest of us !

I can Only continue to be honest about how I feel. It's the hardest thing I've ever done emotionally and physically and it's a one way road. No stopping this bus. I can only hope that as you all say it will get better. Was it Scarlett o hara who said "after all, tomorrow is another day"....?

Thanks again ladies, REALLY appreciate your support.

 

[tommyg]

I am so glad you are getting help from your GP. I am sure you are 100% right that it is a combination of factors that is making you feel the way you are.

Nobody ever said having a baby was easy but try and get him to smile at you. Their wee smiles will help you see the sunshine that is hiding behind that dark cloud.

BnB is wonderful (I have no idea how mothers coped before internet) and feel free to voice you thoughts on here as I'm sure you've realised your never alone.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Glad your GP is helping. It's hard waiting for that fog to lift. I know it's not the same, but when Alex was just born and we came home I started sobbing when DH tried to pass Alex back to me and I said I didn't want to hold him and that I was a terrible mother

 

[jenfen]

Hi Hun

I could have written a very similar post to yours a few months ago, although I didn't dislike my lo, I had some really tough days and nights and I can honestly say that my amazingly supportive DH probably prevented me from becoming depressed.

I was told so many times that it would get easier at 3 months.. and it didn't! Everyone else's lo's seemed happier, smiled more, fussed less, slept more etc etc, but when I asked them to share their routines, tips and how they managed crying etc, they would be doing exactly the same as us!
People would say to me, 'I bet you never want to go back to work..' and I would think, 'yes, I do actually.. tomorrow please!' If I admitted this, people would give me horrified looks, but its just not true that every mother wants to be with their lo 24/7 and doesn't want/need something for them - even if its work!

I can honestly say now, with lo nearing 7 months that I am enjoying him more now than I ever have (things have been getting better since he was 5 months ish), I have regained my composure, have a routine which is working for us (this week anyway!) and have the energy to do lots of play with him.

I'm glad you're seeing your GP and getting some support. Its an interesting point you made about whether it is PND, or having a difficult baby that makes some mums feel this way.

J x

 

[tu123]

Wow. I didn't have time to check this thread again till now. Im truly humbled that so many of you took time to help me. I am getting support from my gp, just getting frustrated that the fog is taking so long to lift.

Its interesting that some think it's the Pnd talking, and some say having a baby is just bloody hard work. I think my reality. In all honesty lies between the two.

I do think it's taboo to express any negative feelings about your baby and motherhood so I'm glad I've been able to do so and some of you have been able to relate.

We see so many images in the media of perfect mothers, perfectly dressed, perfectly happy with perfect little babies whom they love everything about. I can only assume they all cry behind closed doors like the rest of us !

I can Only continue to be honest about how I feel. It's the hardest thing I've ever done emotionally and physically and it's a one way road. No stopping this bus. I can only hope that as you all say it will get better. Was it Scarlett o hara who said "after all, tomorrow is another day"....?

Thanks again ladies, REALLY appreciate your support.

Hi hun.

What you are doing is fantastic. Before i saw this post i was going to say whatever the label, you need to do something to make you feel better. Going to the GP is a great start along with talking on here. PND or not, it isnt fair that you should feel so low

My daughter has been a nightmare since the first day! I found it so hard watching all my mummy pals with their textbook babies. It was always my daughter screaming her head off, projectile vomiting, etc, etc. They used to give me pitiful looks and i felt like i was being seen as an incapable mum. It took me a while to realize it wasn't me, it was just how she is.

I dont think LO is that much better now at 12mths but I have adapted and learnt how to deal with the stress. A long process but worth it

 

[Lina]

I believe you have had a difficult delivery and maybe it did not go how you liked and this may also be contributing to how you are feeling now. Difficult labour followed by a more difficult baby who relies on you 24/7 is very hard. I do not necessarily think you have PND and have many issues with how easily this term is thrown around. Some babies are simply difficult and can drain the life out of you. My LO has tested me to the extreme with his constant fussiness, need for attention to the point of maintaining eye contact with him all day, barely sleeping, horrible reflux and just generally unhappy. Help is essential to give you a break whether family or paid for care.

 

[AmaryllisRed]

I am so glad I found this thread, because many of you described exactly how I felt when my son was born. I didn't like him at all, and hated being a mom. I felt like it was a huge mistake.

I think it's interesting that so many of you said things got better around 5-7 mos, 'cause that's when it got better for me, too. I think they start showing more personality and smiling and laughing, sitting, etc.

I really do think I had PND and I have to admit I'm very concerned about it happening with this baby, too. But I feel like I am ready to talk to the dr about it and also I KNOW you wonderful BnB ladies will help me day by day.

 

[Aberrance]

My LO is a nightmare.. But she's almost 6 months now, so maybe it'll get a little easier?
I would LOVE to get a solid 8 hour block of sleep. Havent slept a solid night since before I was pregnant (rough pregnancy). I dont feel sane.

 

[ashley2pink]

Want to send hugs your way - but for the sake of your child and yourself you really need to bring someone into this in real life. For those who say feeling the way you do isn't extreme - I think its kind of unsafe. If you feel no bond and no love for your child...it kind of makes me worry for your child's safety. I'm not saying you'd do anything to hurt your LO but that can happen with sever PND. I know not all mothers have an instant bond with their babies and a traumatic birth certainly doesn't help with that...but I really don't think 3 months on you should still feel that way...and to not love or have a bond with your child...even if they are difficult. I mean, my babysitter sees my LO 3 times a week and is in love with her and she doesn't have to have a bond...I don't think its natural to feel the way you do. That being said, its also not healthy for you to continue to feel the way you do...and I can't imagine making it through everyday feeling like I have no joy...even if its just for your sake - you should see someone. Whether its PND or just normal depression, I think you'd benefit from having someone IRL to talk to. Does you husband know how bad things are? Anyways, hope things get better for you!

Its one thing if she doesnt like her baby and another if she wants to hurt her baby. 2 totally different things. I know there are a couple little kids I just dont like that live in the neigborhood, but I would never ever hurt them or even think about it. If she does feel the need to hurt her baby then for sure that is a dangerous situation and she needs professional help asap.
I have read in some baby magazines of mothers that just dont feel that love for their baby and over time when baby is finally able to show affection etc they are able to gain a loving relationship.
Another thing. I have a friend who is the same way as you. I don't understand it, but the way she sees it is she would rather be working then be a mom. She said straight out she doesnt enjoy being a mom. It may be healthy for you to get a job so you can have a life seperate from your Mom life. You may find after that, that you will actually enjoy coming home to your child.

 

[Fascination]

It's such a shame you feel this way, especially during what ought to be a happy time with a new baby. I know you don't think you have PND, but I would urge you to speak to your GP and see what they think/suggest. Self-diagnosis isn't always the best of ideas!

Bonding isn't always an immediate thing though, nor is there a time limit on when it should happen for you after birth, but you really should be feeling *something* for her by now. A bond between a mother and baby is pretty much essential for their development and sense of security, so for your own wellbeing as well as your baby's, you should be seeking help in some form.

Hugs. X

 

[Peardrop]

I don't usually come into Baby Club any more but just want to echo the words of all those who talk about their difficult baby's. I have my own difficult monster and can empathise with them and with you. Hang in there - the love happens and it does get easier. X

 

[purple_rain]

Well done for going to your gp hun, unfortunately we live in the time with facebook and new mums boasting about their beautiful babies and how much they love them. Thats not always the reality, it killed me reading other mums saying that as I didn't bond with my girl straight away, i resented her for making me so tired and making me and my hubby argue and for generally making me feel like a crap mum! turns out another woman on FB posting the comments on loving being a mum was finding it just as hard as me!

I did see the GP at 3 months and got back on tablets (i have been on before due to depression). my girl is now 10 months and i could easily cry at the thought of how much i love her, i'd do anything for her and it kills me knowing how i felt 7 months ago but i know it's just something that happens due to the huge change in your life! it's a shock, everything changes and suddenly you and your partner are no longer priority to each. i hope you feel better soon, it does get better i promise! xx

 

[qpaulina42]

I would just add that I have the most easy going baby ever (not that she sleeps well or anything, but she doesn't make a fuss about anything) and I still sometimes find this to be the hardest job in the world. So I can't even imagine... Hugs!!1

 

[MrsVenn]

There is nothing about this job I like. The screaming, the fussy feeding, feeling like a prisoner in my own home, the constant arguments with husband , the drudgery and total loss of identity. I don't even like my baby, let alone love her. She's nearly three months and there's nothing rewarding. I wish someone would have warned me his awful it would be. Im so very unhappy and wish I could turn back the clock and decide not to have children. Is this it?

I could have written this word for word at the very beginning and it didn't get better until 13 weeks and then I actually felt like a 'mum' when she was about 9 months old. Time is the best healer I found and talking about it with those who won't judge. Now at 16 months, I can honestly say I would die for my daughter, she is everything to me. Big hugs.