Hate being a mum

[JosieM]

Big Motherhood is tough and no one can tell you how tough it is until you do it yourself. DS was colicky and a terrible sleeper for months, I found things got better about 7 months. I was lucky as my friend had her baby the same day as me and she had equally as difficult a time as me. Someone told her that when you first become a mum you grieve for your old life, I think that's true for many as it is an upheaval to suddenly have this little person with you 24/7 and completely dependent on you. It will get easier, if you're in the UK try getting to your local Surestart classes, I found them a godsend for getting out of the house and chatting to other mums. I hope you feel better soon and remember there's always lots of lovely girls on here ready to help when you're feeling down.

 

[CharlieKeys]

Just to repeat what others have said the first few months are awful!! Stephen was ok but Henry - he used to scream and scream and scream for hours and hours on end until around 11-12 at night, he moaned over everything, he wanted to be held constantly which unfortunately when he was born I had Stephen who needed me as well! And there were nights both me and Steve both wished he wasn't here, and that we wished we just had the one baby nad there were times I 'hated' him. Now it's a lot better and although he's still can be a moany baby sometimes, we don't have the screaming - I think it's a wise idea to see your GP and that you're admitting how you feeling. That is always the first and hardest step to take You should be in a way proud of yourself

 

[Seity]

When they get older they have moments that'll melt your heart. More often than not I wish I'd never had him, but then he'll do something really cool. I can barely remember what it was like not to have him in my life. That said, I'm never, ever having another child. Definitely not interested in doing any of this again.
My entire first year was absolute hell. He was a demanding, needy baby, who never slept. He still sleeps for crap.
I think babies suck and are absolutely miserable little things (My opinion).
I like my toddler better by far and can't wait until he's older.

.. And no, I never had PND, just massive, massive sleep deprivation. Still sleep deprived, but it's much better now that I get 5-6 hours of broken sleep a night.

 

[hot tea]

I haven't read the entire thread, so I don't know if anyone has asked yet, but how was your birthing experience?

Traumatic births/csections/a lot of drugs can effect how much oxytocin (the body's natural "love drug") from filling your body when your baby is born. Oxytocin is what allows you to bond with your baby. MANY women who have had highly medicated births or traumatic births suffer because of their lowered levels of bonding hormones. This results in PPD, feeling disconnected, etc.

I would try for a lot of skin to skin. Have an open mind. I wish you the best of luck.

 

[lovebug_11]

you should really see your doctor hun... it does sound like post partum... you should be happy...

 

[janey1975]

I don't think it is helpful telling someone how they 'should' be feeling...

 

[repogirl813]

best of luck to you in this very hard situation, hopefully now that you have help from your gp, the fog starts lifting and things start becoming easier for you. Remember the world doesnt change over night and neither will your feelings. I personally never felt this way but do understand that many people do as I had a close friend that when her baby was small she actually considered putting her baby in a closet and leaving, she was later diagnosed with severe pnd, so in response, it does happen even when you don't actually hurt your lo. Glad you are getting the help you deserve and just keep looking forward not back!!!

 

[BattyNora]

Just want to echo most of the sentiments from the other ladies. x

 

[aliss]

When they get older they have moments that'll melt your heart. More often than not I wish I'd never had him, but then he'll do something really cool. I can barely remember what it was like not to have him in my life. That said, I'm never, ever having another child. Definitely not interested in doing any of this again.
My entire first year was absolute hell. He was a demanding, needy baby, who never slept. He still sleeps for crap.
I think babies suck and are absolutely miserable little things (My opinion).
I like my toddler better by far and can't wait until he's older.

.. And no, I never had PND, just massive, massive sleep deprivation. Still sleep deprived, but it's much better now that I get 5-6 hours of broken sleep a night.

I agree with you 100%...! Part of me can't wait until he because a parent and suffers the same fate (As I was apparently just as bad and my mother loves her revenge).

 

[loz27]

When they get older they have moments that'll melt your heart. More often than not I wish I'd never had him, but then he'll do something really cool. I can barely remember what it was like not to have him in my life. That said, I'm never, ever having another child. Definitely not interested in doing any of this again.
My entire first year was absolute hell. He was a demanding, needy baby, who never slept. He still sleeps for crap.
I think babies suck and are absolutely miserable little things (My opinion).
I like my toddler better by far and can't wait until he's older.

.. And no, I never had PND, just massive, massive sleep deprivation. Still sleep deprived, but it's much better now that I get 5-6 hours of broken sleep a night.

I agree with you 100%...! Part of me can't wait until he because a parent and suffers the same fate (As I was apparently just as bad and my mother loves her revenge).

lol

my oh was apparantly the baby/toddler from hell, his mum said she was seriously worn out with him. obviously not funny to her at the time but she laughs about it lots now when she tells me the storys about him. when she found out i was pregnant, she hysterically said to him ' pay back time ' i sure hope not for my sake lol

 

[ginab]

I cant believe how harsh some people have been in their replies to you. I think a lot of mums can empathise with you hun, dont let people make you feel like you are 'depressed' or not coping, personally (dont shoot me down for the ladies) but I think what your feeling is normal to a point, its a massive massive shock having a baby especially one which is hard work for no fault of their own. I bet once you've got over the shock of having a baby and got into the swing of things you will be a fantastic mum.

It DOES get better trust me the first 6 months are so tough and then it just gets easier and easier for so many reasons. Just hang in there time will fly trust me!!! Just take lots of pics because I can guarentee no matter how hard it is right now you will forget it and you will miss your little baby just being so tiny.

Looks like you have a lot of support on here, just keep talking and dont keep anything in you cant go wront if you talk about how your feeling. Your not alone just remember that xx

 

[chubbin]

I tend to agree more often than not with Aliss and Seity because our Lo's seem cut from the same mould. My LO still wakes 4 or so times a night, and yet I think Im on easy street compared to the first 10 months or so. Ill let you into a secret. In the first six months, when I was walking up and down, up and down with my LO in the wee small hours, exhausted and upset; Id have to put any knives/scissors out of sight for fear of what might happen in a sudden, exhausted, irrational moment. God it makes me shudder to type that, but I want to impart to you how desperate and awful sleep deprivation and a 'high needs' baby can make anybody feel.
So, just know that, if nothing else, what you are experiencing is normal. You will gradually adjust to and accept your new role, and that in time you will feel happy and peaceful. For some (maybe many) it just takes time. Good on you for being honest and opening the topic up. I bet a lot of people have benefitted from this thread. Hopefully you have too hun. Sending hugs xx

 

[victoriav]

I haven't found any responses too harsh, but sometimes I feel ( not necessarily from
This forum ) that people do immediately jump on the Pnd wagon and sometimes that makes them not listen to how I'm feeling if that makes sense. Like because it's diagnosed it's sorted or something.

I did worry that someone thought my daughter was at risk or in someway unsafe. It seems to be a misconception that those with mental health diagnoses are more prone to violence. In fact those with mental health problems are more likely to be victims of violence. But that's another issue for another day and another soapbox!

I do disagree with another poster that I "should be happy". There's a whole spectrum of emotions out there to be experienced when you have a baby and frankly I run the whole range in any one day! (make that hour). I do know what you mean in terms of I shouldn't think that I have to put up with being miserable and that good times can be had.

I do have Pnd but that doesn't mean I can't sometimes get my sh*t together and be a good mum. It does mean faking it sometimes though and going through the motions rather than being in the moment and enjoying it.

Just want to thank you all again for your thoughts. X

 

[aliss]

I agree with you victoriav. Those of us finding motherhood very difficult, particularly in the early years, are not necessarily a safety hazard/danger to our child. It's comments like that which make "us" (women who feel the same as the OP) hide our feelings from others and just sit at home feeling like monsters who are 'broken' (ie. not "motherly", not "happy", not "the way we are supposed to be"). I know I was scared to tell a soul because of the judgment I would face and sure enough.... this thread shows me that I was right.

 

[aliss]

Also OP,

After I had such a horrible time with Alex (colic, broken collarbone, reflux yadda) and felt the same way you do, she admitted that I was the same difficult baby and that she once dumped me at my grandmother's (her MIL who she hates, goes to show how desperate she was) and ran away for a night. She had to get away. She didn't tell anyone until I told her that I wanted to do the same. I was 26 - she hid that for 26 years. There are a lot of moms like us out there, just too scared to tell the truth.

 

[AmaryllisRed]

Thank you victoriav, for being so brave and opening up this topic. I know this thread has helped me and will probably go on to help many more.

 

[victoriav]

Us mums have really got to start being honest about our feelings. I'm lucky in that I've learnt to be honest and Ive got friends who won't judge me for that.

Honestly. The pressure I feel to be the perfect mum is insane, particularly from hv's and midwives I have to say. the pressure i got from the Nhs to breastfeed is one of the big contributors to my Pnd. The pressure to carry my baby at all times, to use reusable nappies, to be completely baby led.

Then there's the family pressure, not to mention the pressure I put on myself....

 

[minties]

I'm not going to be patronising and say "oh I've been there and it gets better", because I had a relatively easy baby and no PnD, so I can't say I know how you feel.

However, just thought I would offer a few little glimmers of sunshine about an older baby.

Sitting on the floor, and saying "cuddle mummy" with my arms open, and my LO toddles over, wraps his arms around me and rests his head on my chest.

Making silly faces and he laughs so hard he cries.

That smile I get when he sees me in the morning.

Breastfeeding becomes SO EASY! I can't even imagine having to fluff around with bottles now.

Just how beautiful my son is. Makes me want to cry.

The amazement at watching him grow and learn. He has just started to walk. He is like a little miniature person now, rather than "the baby".

Crying episodes and difficulties getting him to sleep and few and far between now. I remember spending all those first few months crying myself and getting so angry. Why wont you sleep? I want to throw you out the window! All those thoughts. Even swore and yelled at him a few times.

Taking him out now is so much better. When he was a newborn, he always cried...and cried...and cried...when getting in the car, out of the car, during the journy, when we arrived, when we left...I hated it! Now he sits and plays and looks out the window, or has a nap, it's fantastic.

He can entertain himself - a MAJOR one for me. He's no longer a slug stuck to the floor whinging constantly.

Hope I didn't come across patronising, I'm just trying to offer some bright points in the future. And it comes sooner than you expect.

 

[emmylou92]

I hope things start to get better for you soon, I know when Hollie was first born I was just going through the motions. When I first help her I didn't get this big rush of love I went into shock, it took me a few hours to realize that I had just had a baby and she was a part of me. I had to work at building a bond with Hollie, but now we are almost inseparable.

Things can get better and now Hollie is crawling and babbling we have do much fun and interaction, from 1-6 months all she did was eat poo and sleep.

 

[minties]

I didn't love my son when I first saw him either. It was a feeling that grew. I felt protective of him, but not madly in love. Often I thought how wonderful and easy it would be just to return him to the hospital.

Now, I can't even handle leaving him alone with my own mother! I always want him around and love him so much. He's a little person now, not a small, crying, demanding pink thing that offers nothing in return.