Hello and someone knock some sense into me please! (apologies it's long)

Discussion in 'Pregnancy After A Loss' started by dizz, Nov 14, 2011.

  1. dizz

    dizz Guest

    Lurked for a while - figured it was time to post! Apologies in advance for my somewhat dark sense of humour at times - but to be honest, I've been to hell and back and there've been points where if I hadn't have been able to laugh - I'd have crumbled completely.

    OK - so the background to this tale of anxiety, pant paranoia and obsession...

    Years and years and years of infertility. At least partially made worse by my weight (all bound up with depression, none-existent self-esteem, and, well the fact that chocolate tastes nice), and when I finally found an understanding GP (or so I thought) he promised me that if I could prove I'd lost a substantial and sustained amount of weight - he'd try to push through a fertility referral (not for IVF or anything - just for some answers) before I made the NHS BMI targets.

    I lost three stone - got pregnant, and proceeded to miscarry very very rapidly. To say I didn't cope well with this is an understatement! I begged the GP to follow through on his promise - at which point he played the "well you've got pregnant so no" card on me. So we kept trying (by this point we were up to a good 4 years or so of trying - which doesn't half put a dampner on your lovelife by then - we'd long since hit the level of me mentally composing the shopping list while mid-"act"... sure any long-term TTCers will know what I'm getting at there).

    Back to it - this time it was WAR! Armed with a thermometer, a copy of TCOYF and an attitude (I knew I'd hit rock bottom when I caught myself delivering a motivational pep talk to the contents of my husband's underpants) we went back to action. I got pregnant again within 3 months- logic dictated that bad luck couldn't hit AGAIN so soon after. Textbook temperature chart (I was really proud of my chart - I'd woken up at 6am dilligently and everything), nice triphasic pattern - ok so you wouldn't want to hang it on your wall or anything - but it had pretty lines in all the right places and was multi coloured and everything. Little bit of spotting - so off to the GP I trotted having Googled myself to oblivion and come to the brown blood = probably OK conclusion - got a referral to the EPU for an early scan. Thought we were going there to see our baby - and then that wonderful, so innocent-sounding phrase that I think you only truly know the terror of if you've been there.... "you ARE sure of your dates aren't you?" I thought blood running cold was just literary licence - it's not.

    Scan machine showed one empty gestational sac - it's an image seered forever on my brain. Husband responded to this by almost keeling over, causing much concern among the nursing staff because of the sheer size of him (and the things he could break if he keeled over), so there's me, legs akimbo, pants around ankles with my world crumbling - and half of me wanting to clip him around the ear for being a big melodramatic wimp! (I can laugh now - back then - no way I could) While others left clutching an envelope with a picture - we got shown to the side room, given a leaflet and a rescan appointment and left clutching the pieces of our broken world. In the end it was even MORE cruel and drawn out - the rescan revealled the sack had grown... still no baby, and there was a second sack hiding away in a corner (I've got a retroverted uterus making early scans fun)... so sent back away for another fortnight - before hope was officially declared lost and I was booked in for the D+C.

    A year of hell followed. I begged the GP for help with the crippling depression and agoraphobia - he would only consent to this if I agreed to have a coil fitted... I'm in my 30s - the biological clock's ticking - no way was I throwing in the towel and giving up, even temporarily! At one point I had to be physically stopped from attempting an overdose - life was utter hell. I didn't appear to be ovulating, didn't appear to have anything in the way of fertility left - but I'm a stubborn mare and wasn't giving up on things. Watched relatives get pregnant with ease and get their happy endings - felt increasingly like the freak of the family and shut myself away more and more.

    So then I totally randomly decide, "ok this is the month we nail this" - and, well, we did. I got pregnant again (took a year mind you). The one blessing we had this time around was that we'd been seen by the miscarriage specialist after the last one and told to call them when we ever found out we were pregnant again... so we got scanned at 5 weeks (could only see the sac), 6 weeks (could just about see what she was probably confident but not 100% was the heartbeat), 7 weeks (heartbeat - still all looked like a badly tuned telly to me), 8 weeks (still going ok - could see it abdominally by now), and then 10+4 weeks where it was recognisable as a baby with a heartbeat... finally I got to leave the EPU with a photo and not a leaflet. She discharged me from miscarriage monitoring as being well past the point of previous losses and said she was confident things should go smoothly from now on.

    So this is where I need the sense knocking part...

    Why, if I know things were ok a week and a half ago (I'm now 12+4 by dates, scans have shown me only a couple of days out and consistently growing measurements) am I absolutely frantic and climbing the walls about the big "end of trimester 1 12 week scan" tomorrow? Rationally I've had weeks of clear heartbeats (although I know only too well tragedy can hit), I've had no bleeding for weeks (had some around week 5 that I was told I did not have permission to worry about) so whatever is in there is obviously still in there, I've got no rational reason to think the world's going to shatter again tomorrow - yet I'm going nuts working myself into a tizz about it - feels like some hormonal snowball I can't get hold of. I know I've got minimal symptoms - but I've had those throughout - I just cannot rationalise this fear of going to the "big pregnant ladies" place and that it's all going to fall apart again.

    I even "know" mentally it's different this time - the last two times, however much I daydreamed - I never saw myself going into labour or holding the babies - this time I can. It was a funny instinct - but 100% right, even down to just knowing I was pregnant each and every time... even that doesn't work to calm the nerves down.

    It's kind of a mix of absolute terror (I think my fear of mentally going back to that dark place the last losses took me to is more than my fear of actual miscarriage to be honest - to the extent I've pushed for a referral to mental health monitoring in case I end up with PND or anything) and a mix of frustration of the night before Christmas when we can actually big a farewell to that horrid first trimester and start planning things - and I'm driving myself nuts with it.

    So please, slap some sense into me - and sorry for the long ramble! Also apologies for the quite dark humour in it all at times - like I say, it's quite often the only thing that got us through it all.
     
  2. Rio

    Rio Active Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2011
    Messages:
    30
    Likes Received:
    0
    Its completely normal for you to feel anxious about this pregnancy pet. Sometimes just writing it down can be therapeutic too. After just the one previous miscarriage i understand the anxiety about the next pregnancy.
    Keep going telling yourself the positives.
    Sending hugs your way.
     
  3. sparkle83

    sparkle83 XLTTC: 10 yrs & counting!

    Joined:
    May 24, 2009
    Messages:
    962
    Likes Received:
    0
    why? because its normal!

    I have hated going to every single scan. I threaten to ring up and cancel them, and dh has to talk sense into me. I was almost in tears going for my anomaly scan. I have a rescan this week as baby was being awkward, and I'm nervous for that.

    I've come to the conclusion that I will get the anxiety before each scan, but one I'm in and they say its all ok, its the best feeling ever!

    You'll be fine, the chances of anything going wrong when you've seen the hb and gotten this far are very low.
     
  4. dizz

    dizz Guest

    Thanks guys - doesn't help when I've had no symptoms (how I'd have killed for morning sickness)! In the end hubby had me bawling my eyes out in terror last night in a right tizz!

    Scan's not till after lunch so I'm thinking a long walk wtih the dogs is in order to un-mess my head a bit. I think it's cos this is a "normal" milestone-type one and not one of the reassurance ones I was getting that I'm going nuttier than normal I guess!
     
  5. Neversaynever

    Neversaynever Whatever.....

    Joined:
    Dec 26, 2010
    Messages:
    12,977
    Likes Received:
    0
    Perfectly normal to feel that way :hugs:

    How did it go?

    XxX
     
  6. BeachChica

    BeachChica Finally a mom!!! :)

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,817
    Likes Received:
    0
    Dizz - so sorry for your losses and its perfectly normal what you're feeling. I think after suffering the losses its so hard not to worry and read into every symptom. Reaching the end of the 1st trimester is a GREAT sign so wishing you a happy and healthy rest of your pregnancy!! :hugs:
     
  7. dizz

    dizz Guest

    It worked out fine in the end - I did sit there in the waiting room in tears and totally lost it when they called my name to go down to the other waiting room and started sobbing irrationally (think it was the new environment and women with big bumps that set me off) - then when they started scanning I couldn't see the heartbeat really clearly like on the 10 week scan so was thinking "oh it's beautiful but it's died" not associating the fact it was moving and wriggling around with the fact it obviously wasn't (I thought it was her wobbling the probe that was makng it "move"). Then she pointed out the heartbeat which was harder to see than at 10 weeks cos I think there's more baby there blocking the view a bit and it started waving and slowly dawned on me it was ok.

    Put me ahead to 13 weeks slightly as well!
     
  8. BeachChica

    BeachChica Finally a mom!!! :)

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2011
    Messages:
    1,817
    Likes Received:
    0
    Congrats Dizz!! And good luck with the rest of your pregnancy!!
     
  9. Jenna1984

    Jenna1984 Mummy to Layla & 1 angel

    Joined:
    Aug 26, 2011
    Messages:
    89
    Likes Received:
    0
    Congrats on your scan Hun! X
     
  10. mumanddad

    mumanddad 1 Angel, 1 rainbow & ttc

    Joined:
    Nov 3, 2009
    Messages:
    1,618
    Likes Received:
    0
    If you didnt worry then you wouldnt be normal,

    i lost my son at 43 weeks (they said i didnt know my dates but did and they changed them) now after such a long time ttc i finally found out i was pregnant which was such a shock but now every appt i have i am shaking nearly crying because im so scared they are going to tell me i have lost this baby.

    The only people who keep me sane are the lovely ladies on here.

    I will be thinking about you hun, you will be hugging your baby! X
     
  11. dizz

    dizz Guest

    I actually had an assessment with the perinatal mental health nurse the other day - who tried to paint that I was some kind of psychological freak because I was still aware of things that can go wrong with this pregnancy. She just parrotted again and again "so your anxiety is preventing you from enjoying this pregnancy?" like I was some kind of candidate for the looney bin. Could not grasp that I cope better by knowing the possibilities of what MIGHT happen and that miscarriages mean you lose the innocence of pregnancy.

    In the end I asked her if she'd give any random woman in the first trimester with her head down the loo upchucking for the umpteenth time that day the same grief she was giving me about "enjoying pregnancy"... she looked a bit uncomfortable then! Wanted to turn around and say "I look like a heffalump, my back's killing me, I've got round ligament pain and my body's decided I get morning sickness arriving in the second trimester just to be funny - and you're pulling me up about having a bit in the back of my mind that doesn't automatically equal two lines on a pregnancy test with a baby at the end of it?! Would you rather I wafted around in a cloud of serene ignorant bliss because life ain't like that hunny."

    Yeah - I don't think me and her got on - she decided she was determined to chalk me down as some kind of social inadequate sat all day crossing my legs and praying to whoever that the baby didn't die that day... I prefer to think of myself as realistic about the risks and getting on with things until I get to my end goal.
     
  12. Fergie

    Fergie Rainbows & angel mummy

    Joined:
    Dec 20, 2010
    Messages:
    1,316
    Likes Received:
    0
    I didn't get morning sickness til i was 12 weeks + :D. Good luck for the scan and think positive, it worked for me and i've a gorgeous little 15 week girl now :D xx
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice