Help! My husbands having performance anxiety!

[positivepita]

I'm looking for advice or even to hear from anyone thats been through or is going through this.... It's the week that I am supposed to be ovulating and my husband is unable to "perform". He told me he is feeling too much pressure and anxiety and , because of that, he's having trouble being intimate. I am so frustrated and am holding a lot of anger inside. We have been ttc for 3 months now and he knows that there are only a certain number of days each month that I am truly fertile but we keep missing our best chances due to his performance anxiety. Please help!

 

[LadyGriz11]

Honestly, the only advice I can give is to track and pinpoint you ovulation but keep it to yourself. Instead of telling him which days you need to BD or what week you're fertile, jump him on the nights you need to He'll probably respond a lot better when he's in the dark lol.

 

[MrsB1981]

We had sort of the same issue in the we had an enormous argument on my peak day this month. We made up after the argument but dh couldn't finish as he said he was still upset.

The argument was because I'd asked him to be home early, instead he went to the pub with a friend who's going through a messy break up. I do understand why he wants to support his friend but I half wonder if he is feeling the pressure.

I've decided not to tell him next month when I get my peak - he was fine on my high days (cbfm) just the peak seemed to freak him out. We've been trying for a few months and this is the first issue we've had - but also first month using cbfm. The cbfm seems to have made it a bit too scientific for him.

I think a more romantic and relaxed approach is best for us.

Only advice is DON'T get angry, it will only make it worse. Plan romantic nights in and keep you opk results to yourself. Hope that helps

 

[ButGoodie]

We had the same problem this month... made for an awkward evening afterward, because I was sooo disappointed and resentful but didn't want to show it (probably didn't hide it all that well). He can be so sensitive to pressure... and I really want making love to stay fun... so I've decided not to share the "schedule" and just jump him when I need him!

 

[jessandaj]

Have you really talked about TTC does he deffenitly want to be TTC or is he unsure ? Try and have a real heart to heart with him and say if i dont get pregnant its not your fault its not anyones fault nobody thinks its your fault or just stop mentioning when your fertile and just make it seem like you want him i know sounds trickish but if it stresses him to know when your fertile then just dont let him know

 

[positivepita]

Thanks ladies! I'm definitely going to keep my peak days to myself going forward. I'm just worried that his anxiety over this has become a constant thing...not just anxiety during my peak time. This is so difficult.

 

[LoveCakes]

Hope evrything works out, just make sure you bd other times too. Firstly so he doesn't notice extra around ov time and secondly for fun!

 

[ThinkPositiv]

I'm looking for advice or even to hear from anyone thats been through or is going through this.... It's the week that I am supposed to be ovulating and my husband is unable to "perform". He told me he is feeling too much pressure and anxiety and , because of that, he's having trouble being intimate. I am so frustrated and am holding a lot of anger inside. We have been ttc for 3 months now and he knows that there are only a certain number of days each month that I am truly fertile but we keep missing our best chances due to his performance anxiety. Please help!

story of my life! (well, last cycle anyways!). We had a MC in dec so I was super eager to try again...tracked ovulation...we even happened to BD the 2 days before the test turned positive....and the 2 days of positives..... but my hubby kept being unable to "finish." I NEVER told him that it was O time, but he had put a lot of pressure on himself to get me pregnant that instead of having fun, his brain was on overdrive....and he just couldnt get the job done. It makes a little more sense to me now, because just last night my hubby was talking about how excited he was to try again this month and that its "go time" around the 10th of feb...... I was shocked.... I'm not sure how he is tracking my cycle....but he just figures the middle of every month is go time.... give or take a day or two he said! It was kind of funny....

anyways, i have tried to just stop talking about it....but my mood has been in the shitter the last couple of days and partly due to not conceiving, so its hard not to talk about it with him.... but, I hide all my ovulation tests, all the pregnancy tests.....the charts....everything. As far as he is concerned we are just guessing O day..... Also, I had asked him to take some vitamins....but have decided to stop pushing it or reminding him.....just to let it be. And my vitamins, I have removed from his site....

He is SOOOOO excited to be a dad...its not that at all, I just think he feels the pressure. Over the many, many years of our relationship every once in a while he has been unable to finish....but it was never an issue till now. Every day this happened last cycle I just made no big deal about it, comforting him, as he would if I had a fertility issue. Making a big deal of it will psych him out and make it ever more difficult for him to perform next time, coupled already with the fact that he couldnt perform the time before. So I am there with you - I understand how angry you are and upset....and beleive me, I have cried in silent and alone LOTS......but you have to be there for him - he would be there for you......its hard, but your in it together.

 

[Bon18]

Definitely keep your peak days to yourself... I tend to inform DH after the fact that way he doesn't feel too much pressure... Oh and I shamelessly seduce him TTC should have some fun it after all

 

[positivepita]

Thank you so much for this. It's so comforting to know that someone can relate

 

[bryceszwifey]

Next time it happens I wouldn't let him know and just try to make it happen !! My DH has done the same thing :/ even though men want a baby it stresses them out and they feel kinda pressured about it. Remember to have fun while trying to get pregnant and to keep the romance

 

[lucyjim]

The exact same thing is happening to me. Been ttc for about three to four months. I got all excited when i got smiley face on OPK and stupidly told hubby we had to do it etc and I could see the pressure build on his face! And he couldn't do it....too much pressure. He wants a baby too but we had a massive argument! Realising this is ridiculous and though we both desperately want a baby, it's not worth ruining your relationship for. Next month I must try to keep info to myself, I may not even use the OPK myself and seems to put too much pressure on those days. Its very hard and frustrating but try and get on with life and hope for the best one day! Looks like im not the only one with this issue. All the best L. p.s. if anyone wants to be ttc buddies esp. with this awkward 'problem' let me know!

 

[Sombra]

I'm going to agree with all these ladies...it's best if we women carry the burden of the details. Guys just have a tough time handling it.

My DH had asked me to put my most fertile days on the calendar...which I foolishly did. Those days came around and he just couldn't perform under pressure...

I told him we should take a break and not worry about it. The next night...thinking that my fertile days had passed...he was much more relaxed and eager to DTD.

Little does hubby know that OPK confirmed I had my LH surge late. We DTD the day before, day of, and day after the surge!

So much better if we do the worrying for them!

 

[CryHer]

It's probably not best to say I'm ovulating, let's . lol. Just surprise him with some lingerie, give him an exotic massage and then make it wild and fun. Good luck hun.

 

[lucyjim]

Or tell a white lie and kind of imply ovulation day is on a different day than it really is?! I know that's cheeky but would take the pressure off him and he can probably perform when pressure is off. God, it's added pressure we don't need! I even woke last night wishing I was pg. didn't want to be obsessed but am at risk of doing so. need to stop worrying and hope nature will eventually take its course and hubby can relax and hope i can too! good luck to all you ladies xx

 

[ThinkPositiv]

The exact same thing is happening to me. Been ttc for about three to four months. I got all excited when i got smiley face on OPK and stupidly told hubby we had to do it etc and I could see the pressure build on his face! And he couldn't do it....too much pressure. He wants a baby too but we had a massive argument! Realising this is ridiculous and though we both desperately want a baby, it's not worth ruining your relationship for. Next month I must try to keep info to myself, I may not even use the OPK myself and seems to put too much pressure on those days. Its very hard and frustrating but try and get on with life and hope for the best one day! Looks like im not the only one with this issue. All the best L. p.s. if anyone wants to be ttc buddies esp. with this awkward 'problem' let me know!

Yeah, I have kept this to myself this month.... I havent really even used the ovulation tests that often. I think this is a more common concern than we think.....imagine the pressure they must feel....without their help there isnt in a chance of conceiving!

 

[Sunnii]

This is exactly why I will not tell my partner exactly when I O, but jump him in bed. He even said so that pinpointing ovulation etc is too scientific for him and that he doesn't even want to know as it freaks him out. Keep it to yourself and just jump him in bed then

 

[SaraJewel]

Have the same problem, but it happens all the time! We've been TTC for 7 months, and he has only been able to finish once. The one time it happened, we talked about it and I did my best to put him at ease a few days before, but have run into problems again since. It's so upsetting as I am 39 and don't feel I have much time left, but can't talk to him about it as it puts him under even more pressure. It just feels like an impossible situation...........

 

[hello_kitty_t]

Same thing here. Hubby used to want to DTD soooo often that I was annoyed. In January he gave in to TTC and we quit using the pull-out method. For the first time in about 4 years he seemed nervous during sex?! In January I was not doing ANYTHING to track O or calculate. We simply decided we'd "try" and even that was affecting his performance. There were a few times he was not able to finish and we had NEVER even discussed ovulation or anything.

In Feb I started using OPK. He knew I was using them but we never talked about it. I tried to get him to BD when I knew O was close and he had an excuse every time. I tried everything I could. Wearing lingerie, seducing him, nothing worked. It was like he was on a subconscious defense mode. The day I got my +OPK he still was resisting and I broke down crying. I told him I'd had the +OPK and we had not done any BD. He apologized and we managed to BD, but he was clearly uncomfortable.

After AF arrived, I asked him if he'd rather know the days that we needed to be sure to BD or if he'd rather not know at all. He said I could tell him ahead of time. So just estimating from cycle days, I threw out that the dates we'd need to do it. (CD8, 10, 12, 13, 14.) Well he still doesn't initiate and I have to "work for it" but he at least doesn't make excuses now. And I can tell he is still nervous, it's not like it used to be before we were TTC.

I asked him yesterday if he does want a baby. (We had already agreed we wanted 2 kids and we are both turning 30 this year.) He says he does but my using OPK & BBT freaks him out a bit. I said if I can predict the best days to do it, them why not do that? He did agree, but I think, just him being a guy, he kind of assumed baby making would be care free. I am sure the NTNP would be much more appealing to him, but I want it to happen quickly due to my age.

Anyway, I can certainly tell that he's getting better and more confortable as time goes on. Hopefully your man will, too.

 

[readerwriter]

I've been through the same thing with my DH. I decided the best strategy was to stop talking about TTC, which was very difficult since I hadn't told anyone else we were TTC! I was sad, frustrated, and angry but I knew that wasn't going to help matters. Sure enough, DH has come around and is now initiating more when he knows chances to conceive are good. I'm trying to be low key about the whole thing with DH and use these boards for my freak out moments instead