Help! My husbands having performance anxiety!

[Cilnia]

My OH and i actually don't BD that much. Sometimes we can BD 3 times a week and sometimes 2 times a month. Mostly in the weekend, during the week my OH is tired of working. Also he cannot finish every time 'inside'.

I can relate to a lot of woman here.... Last month i didn't want to tell him when the dates were, but in the end i had to because otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to BD or couldn't finish. This month i asked him if he wants to know or not, and he said he'd like to know when my OPK is positive so we can BD that day. There is no way we can BD every day or every other day like most people so i really need to carefully plan our BD.

I do actually do something that i'm slighty ashamed of but i figure maybe someone can benefit from it... I inseminate with a plastic syringe... This is because he cannot finish inside of me most of the time but he can masturbate. I know it's not the best thing to do but i guess it's better to have something inside instead of nothing right?!

But most of all! Don't get mad. It's very difficult for some men... getting mad will only make things worse. You can get mad in silence but don't tell him!

Good luck...

 

[hello_kitty_t]

My OH and i actually don't BD that much. Sometimes we can BD 3 times a week and sometimes 2 times a month. Mostly in the weekend, during the week my OH is tired of working. Also he cannot finish every time 'inside'.

I can relate to a lot of woman here.... Last month i didn't want to tell him when the dates were, but in the end i had to because otherwise he wouldn't have wanted to BD or couldn't finish. This month i asked him if he wants to know or not, and he said he'd like to know when my OPK is positive so we can BD that day. There is no way we can BD every day or every other day like most people so i really need to carefully plan our BD.

I do actually do something that i'm slighty ashamed of but i figure maybe someone can benefit from it... I inseminate with a plastic syringe... This is because he cannot finish inside of me most of the time but he can masturbate. I know it's not the best thing to do but i guess it's better to have something inside instead of nothing right?!

But most of all! Don't get mad. It's very difficult for some men... getting mad will only make things worse. You can get mad in silence but don't tell him!

Good luck...

Don't be ashamed. When TTC gets tricky...ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I have seen some gals on here inseminating using the softcups.

 

[ThinkPositiv]

just to offer some hope....my hubby has performance anxiety...always had....worse since TTC. We got luckey! We was sucessful once and it so happened to be the day before I ovulated, and we fell pregnant! We are supper excited! Esp since the cycle before we BD'd many times during O but he wasnt able to finish once....I was starting to loose hope.....but we did it. So it is possible. It just takes longer....

 

[SaraJewel]

It's good to know it's possible! I am feeling a bit more positive after reading everyone elses posts. I do think this is a good sounding board for frustration. I think the key is trying to remain calm and remain hopeful!

I really didn't think this problem would happen! I have also thought about using artificial fertilisation (e.g. with syringe) but not sure how to broach the subject/how long to leave things before broaching it with my other half. It seems so clinical but if things don't happen naturally I don't see what other option we have.....

 

[ThinkPositiv]

It's good to know it's possible! I am feeling a bit more positive after reading everyone elses posts. I do think this is a good sounding board for frustration. I think the key is trying to remain calm and remain hopeful!

I really didn't think this problem would happen! I have also thought about using artificial fertilisation (e.g. with syringe) but not sure how to broach the subject/how long to leave things before broaching it with my other half. It seems so clinical but if things don't happen naturally I don't see what other option we have.....

this was my next option...i actually brought some syringes home from work and was totally prepared to do this. I did casually bring it up with hubby and he didnt get defensive, he just thought it was a bit early for something like that..... but he didnt shoot it down.

 

[SaraJewel]

It's good to know it's possible! I am feeling a bit more positive after reading everyone elses posts. I do think this is a good sounding board for frustration. I think the key is trying to remain calm and remain hopeful!

I really didn't think this problem would happen! I have also thought about using artificial fertilisation (e.g. with syringe) but not sure how to broach the subject/how long to leave things before broaching it with my other half. It seems so clinical but if things don't happen naturally I don't see what other option we have.....

this was my next option...i actually brought some syringes home from work and was totally prepared to do this. I did casually bring it up with hubby and he didnt get defensive, he just thought it was a bit early for something like that..... but he didnt shoot it down.

Maybe that's what I should do. I think I will wait another month or so and then bring it up as a possibility. It might take some of the pressure off, but at the same time I think he may be slightly mortified at the idea!!!

 

[Wishing24]

Hi all! I'm new to this site. TTC #1 for about 5 months. The first couple months were ok, we were having fun trying, but as each month went by with no BFP it got harder. I started using OPK tests and charting my temps. Then DH got major performance anxiety :-/ He has trouble finishing and it has become so stressful for both of us. It makes me so sad and a little bit insecure. I try to hold it in, but it gets so overwhelming sometimes. I also tried keeping all the details of ovulation to myself and then jumping him but he gets skeptical and always asks if I'm ovulating. He is over thinking it.

It's nice to know all of you are going through the same thing. I might try to tell him that we should take a break but secretly track ovulation. I don't know what else to do. Sorry for the long post and thanks for listening!

 

[honestlinzel]

I have to try and explain to my husband why we cannot have sex every day, and if we don't have sex, why he cannot masturbate. He flips out if we talk about him masturbating too. It is so weird. He also won't even discuss seeing a doctor for his man parts.

 

[Momma2bee93]

DH suffered the same... he couldn't finish.. i told him either he could finish in me or in a cup and i can use a sterilized seringe.. he finished

 

[gsdowner1]

My husband asked me not to tell him when i am ov due to anxiety issues.. i just wouldnt tell him when you are ov and let nature take its course

 

[SaraJewel]

For some men it seems to work not to tell them about ovulation date, but a rough idea of a good week to do it. Everyone is different tho, I think taking a break is a good idea, although you will probably drive yourself crazy knowing when you ovulate if you are still tracking and not being able to tell him!!!

Hang in there. Things started to improve a little bit for me after 4 months or so. Slow process mind you, but hopefully they will continue in the right direction........

Good luck and remember you are not alone!

 

[ThinkPositiv]

yeah, this is a frustrating issue, for both parties. i track when we have sex and caluclated that 53% of the time my hubby was able to finish...i didnt track all the times that he couldnt get it up to being with. we MC'd for the second time - just had a D&C last week and now I am faced with how to address this issue again..... goodness.

i have mentioned an IUI to my husband and he is game...but I think i will take advantage of being more fertile post MC and if nothing by august then go this route - my hubby would rather it be clinical than an at home insemination....strange. anyways, we have the money so its not the issue but hopefully nature will work and things will align again this time.

two times unlukey, third time is the charm

hang in there ladies - i am a perfect example of being able to get pregnant against some difficult odds - very, very, long irregular cycles and a husband with performance anxiety or errectile dysfuntion....either or, both make it difficult to get pregnant and we did in twice in the last 4 months.

 

[SaraJewel]

yeah, this is a frustrating issue, for both parties. i track when we have sex and caluclated that 53% of the time my hubby was able to finish...i didnt track all the times that he couldnt get it up to being with. we MC'd for the second time - just had a D&C last week and now I am faced with how to address this issue again..... goodness.

i have mentioned an IUI to my husband and he is game...but I think i will take advantage of being more fertile post MC and if nothing by august then go this route - my hubby would rather it be clinical than an at home insemination....strange. anyways, we have the money so its not the issue but hopefully nature will work and things will align again this time.

two times unlukey, third time is the charm

hang in there ladies - i am a perfect example of being able to get pregnant against some difficult odds - very, very, long irregular cycles and a husband with performance anxiety or errectile dysfuntion....either or, both make it difficult to get pregnant and we did in twice in the last 4 months.

I am so sorry to hear about your MC, but it sounds like you have the strength to carry on. I know, it is exhausting with these issues, but twice in 4 months is good odds already! We have poor odds at the moment with only finishing 3 times in 7 months, but things have improved as I said before.

Good luck, 3 times and all that,

 

[ThinkPositiv]

yeah, this is a frustrating issue, for both parties. i track when we have sex and caluclated that 53% of the time my hubby was able to finish...i didnt track all the times that he couldnt get it up to being with. we MC'd for the second time - just had a D&C last week and now I am faced with how to address this issue again..... goodness.

i have mentioned an IUI to my husband and he is game...but I think i will take advantage of being more fertile post MC and if nothing by august then go this route - my hubby would rather it be clinical than an at home insemination....strange. anyways, we have the money so its not the issue but hopefully nature will work and things will align again this time.

two times unlukey, third time is the charm

hang in there ladies - i am a perfect example of being able to get pregnant against some difficult odds - very, very, long irregular cycles and a husband with performance anxiety or errectile dysfuntion....either or, both make it difficult to get pregnant and we did in twice in the last 4 months.

I am so sorry to hear about your MC, but it sounds like you have the strength to carry on. I know, it is exhausting with these issues, but twice in 4 months is good odds already! We have poor odds at the moment with only finishing 3 times in 7 months, but things have improved as I said before.

Good luck, 3 times and all that,

hey sorry to hear your your going through this too! i wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy. and the worse part is is that it is even more terrible for our hubbys...and i dont know about you but i feel so useless in helping him. he has tried some pills....like cialis and viagra but they havent helped at all! and you throw alcohol into the mix, which is good for taking the stress off, but if they drink too much then its game over!

my hubby said the biggest thing for him was when we went to have sex and he knew he couldnt perform the last time....he starts thinking about it and gets all worked up.....and more often than not it repeats itself. he said he felt it even worse after my MC.....like he put so much pressure on himself to get me pregnant again....and looking bad, he rarely had sucess. I am worried it will happen again....with this MC....but maybe we have both grown and moved forward...even a little.

its hard. esp when you see these women posting about having sex for 6 days straight around O time.... all i can think if if i can get my hubby in bed just once and pray he can ejaculate.... goodness. we arent suppose to have sex for 3 weeks post D&C....i almost want to track my ovlation and wait it out till then to up my chances of him "finishing"! terrible, i know, but a girl has to do what a girl has to do. but we are suppose to wait one cycle technically, but i figure let nature do what it wants to do...the egg will only implant if conditions are right...thats half the battle. anyways, i am rambling on.

i am here if you need me. i have done it all. this isnt a new problem for us. it has exisited since the "honeymoon" phase wore off 8.5 years ago....or maybe we were having so much sex i never noticed if he didnt "finish".... and in my hubbys words he is "not a sex dynamo". i knew this when i said yes and judge me if you will, but i did factor it into my answer....it was small mind you, but deserved consideration , esp. since i LOVE sex. i decided quickly that i love this man with all my heart....and even when the sex isnt there, the affection and love is so strong......

anyways, sex is imporatnt, dont get me wrong, but the love behind it is the key. if you dont have that then you have nothing.

the baby making will get easier. we will both be momas. when the time is right. (sorry for the rambling....)

 

[SaraJewel]

Thank you for your lovely post! I do worry about my OH for exactly the reasons you mentioned above. I do however envy him too as I know he can just put things out of his mind, whereas I find it really hard not to dwell on it..........(female trait???). Talking about it doesn't really help, it seems to make things worse, so yes, I feel totally useless in helping him.

Yes, we will be Mums, but have to be patient. I feel I don't have much time left as am 39 tho, but realise there are plenty ladies who conceive in their late 30s and into their 40s.

Good luck for when you are able to start trying again. I am in the 2WW at the moment, it is an exhausting process. Like you say, I don't worry about how many times we do it around ovulation, I worry about whether we will be able to do it successfully during ovulation at all!!!! I really never knew things like this can happen.

Like you, I think I have the higher sex drive, but I know we have a good solid relationship and sex is not everything. We will be together no matter what happens.

 

[ThinkPositiv]

i bet it is more of a female trait to get all worked up over things...and thats why i think talking about it/talking about it too much to our partners makes things worse. i think leading by example has eased our situation a little - i try my hardest to never look disapointed or upset when things dont go as planned....i think seeing me frustrated makes it even harder the next time.

i think you still have lots of time. where there is a will there is almost always a way.

yes, sex is not everything. its the relationship that counts the most.

hang in there....and let me know how this cycle goes. i cant wait to start trying again!

 

[SaraJewel]

i bet it is more of a female trait to get all worked up over things...and thats why i think talking about it/talking about it too much to our partners makes things worse. i think leading by example has eased our situation a little - i try my hardest to never look disapointed or upset when things dont go as planned....i think seeing me frustrated makes it even harder the next time.

i think you still have lots of time. where there is a will there is almost always a way.

yes, sex is not everything. its the relationship that counts the most.

hang in there....and let me know how this cycle goes. i cant wait to start trying again!

I will lead by your example I think! I wasn't very good at that at the start but better as time goes on............

This cycle has gone as I suspected........AF today! I actually feel OK tho, I was devastated last month but think that was because I got my hopes up so much.

Here's to next month and when you start trying again

 

[hapi2bhealthy]

I'm looking for advice or even to hear from anyone thats been through or is going through this.... It's the week that I am supposed to be ovulating and my husband is unable to "perform". He told me he is feeling too much pressure and anxiety and , because of that, he's having trouble being intimate. I am so frustrated and am holding a lot of anger inside. We have been ttc for 3 months now and he knows that there are only a certain number of days each month that I am truly fertile but we keep missing our best chances due to his performance anxiety. Please help!

This happened to us. Hubby was feeling a lot of pressure and only managed to perform ONCE that month, and I didn't even think it was in my fertile time; we were too early. I said "that's IT, we're only three cycles in, we are not doing this for another month or two!!" It was awful and totally got me down.

Well wouldn't you know it, that's the month I fell preg...we DTD a whole 4 days before I even ovulated. I really thought we had no chance because he didn't perform more than once. I truly had it in my head we needed a break.

Honestly, I think that if the pressure is getting to you guys, take a break for a month or two. It's so all-consuming this TTC business, and if you take the pressure off for a while, you could then secretly introduce it at your fertile times in a few months. That was my plan...and I will be doing that second time around (hopefully my bean sticks).

 

[ThinkPositiv]

SaraJewl - sorry to hear AF got you. the cycle we had sex everyday around O with no ejaculation I cried each time after (alone)....and then drowned my sorrows in red wine when my period came.....

looking back i think even though my hubby didnt know when I ovulated, i did, and knowing i was ovulating and him not being able to ejaculate caused unnecessary stress for me. because of our schedules and because we will never be a couple who will time sex with ovulation (due to hubbys issues...timed sex would always result in a negative outcome), what really is the point of me knowing when I ovulate?

so i think as much as it kills me to give up the ovulation test strips, i am going to try. one reason i was doing them was simply so i could "clean up my act" after ovulation if there was even a small chance of conception.....i.e. cut out the vino! terrible to say, but on my days off, i love my wine. but after doing some research, although not totally comfortable with the idea of possibly finding out I am pregnant and looking back and knowing in those first few weeks i had a few glasses here and there, i think there is greater good that will come out of me ditching the tests.

now, lets hope i can do it!

i wish i had regular cycles!

another cycle, another chance. it will happen

 

[SaraJewel]

Hi ThinkPositiv, this sounds like a good idea. I am the opposite to you, I've never used ovulation tests so actually don't know when I ovulate exactly. I've been looking at CM only as I'd read that this is a good predictor of when you're most fertile. I was wondering, did you ever notice that fertile CM coincided with your postive Ovulation tests?

The reason I've never used ovulation tests is exactly what you say above. I think it would put me under far too much pressure as I wouldn't want to be sharing the results with OH as I am guessing this would cause too much stress. Having said that, I am tempted to use them as a one-off to check if I am really fertile when I think I am!

As for drinking during the 2WW, I do have a few glasses of wine as I think you can't revolve your whole life around TTC, and the more miserable you are from giving up your pleasures, maybe the more stressed you can become, therefore the less likely you might be to conceive! Maybe this is just my justification tho???

Sorry if you've already told me this, but how long have you been ttc for? Also, if you don't mind me asking, what age are you?