how can i get my friend back? shes stopped talking 2 me now that im pregnant.

[GetNmyBelly]

i'll refer 2 my friend as Kelly. Kelly & I are really good friends or so I thought. im 23 she is 27. we r both married. she has been trying for a baby for around 6 months. a while ago she claimed to have had a miscarriage (not the first one) yet she didn't go 2 the hospital & didn't tell anyone except me. she said she woke up bleeding & took a pregnancy test that was positive. I have a hard time believing it just because I know women that have had miscarriages & they go 2 the hospital/doctor always. she is quite immature 4 her age but I love her 2 death! ok on with the story .. we were talking one day & I said guess wat?! I think my husband & I are going 2 start trying 4 a baby next month! she really didn't say much just "oh, well ive already been trying" which I already knew. a few days later I find out that im actually already pregnant! I had 5 or more positive tests laying on the bathroom counter lOl. I got it confirmed & posted it on my facebook & assumed she saw it.. well she didn't so I told her & she says "oh, well I wouldn't tell anyone yet cuz anything can happen" well I let that go & tell her I cant wait 4 her 2 get pregnant so we can do it together .. she goes on 2 say "well I don't even think I can get pregnant or have kids but I really don't care anymore" ((but if she had miscarriages she can get pregnant right??)) ever since then she ignores me at all costs.. doesn't reply 2 messages & doesn't answer my calls. im truly hurt because we used 2 talk all the time & hang out quite a bit. I don't know why she wont talk 2 me now? im sorry this is so long I just wanted 2 explain the whole story. does anyone have any ideas as 2 why she wont have anything 2 do with me now? or wat I could do to get her 2 talk 2 me? or should I just move on & forget about her?

 

[Kazy]

She may just need time to come around. Not that's it's a good excuse to not be a good friend having a miscarriage for some is extremely
Emotional and difficult. If she's been trying and wondering if she can have kids her emotions could be through the roof knowing you have what she wants so bad. It can be really difficult when you know you should be happy for someone and yet are I credibly jealous at the same time.
Sorry your friend isn't happy for you. Id say just give her space and hopefully after a few weeks you can talk it out.

 

[Buffyx]

That's a tough one! If they've been trying for a while, maybe she is feeling a bit jealous and upset that it happened for you so fast.

I remember when my husband & I got engaged, I messaged a few of my close friends a photo of my ring to tell them we were engaged. One friend just never wrote back, but the others all did. My other friend claimed not to have gotten the message in the first place. She has never had a proper boyfriend or anything and I think she was feeling a bit jealous and down about it.

She came around. I just let her come to me and talk when she was ready. I never brought up the wedding, but let her do it first.

Maybe your friend just needs a bit of time. I wouldn't give up on her just yet x

 

[spunky84]

It sounds like she just really needs some space.

Going through miscarriages is very emotionally overwhelming and draining. I had 2 before (one in 2008 and one in 2010 - both in January). Even though they were so long ago, I still really struggle with other people's pregnancies. I know it's not fair, but it's a hard place to be emotionally. It doesn't make it right, but I think it's just a natural response to kind of protect yourself.

Even though we've not had any miscarriages since we've had DD, I've been really stuck on having another (we were waiting until 2016). When my other SIL announced she was pregnant, and I went to pieces.

I can't even say how many meltdowns I've had over the years of other pregnancies. I've even gone out of my way to get out of baby showers.

She's probably feeling so many different emotions right now. Jealous, angry, sad, etc. It was a raised flag when you said that she said she's not sure if she can have any. And even though she said she doesn't are anymore, she absolutely does care. Fertility issues can really tear someone down.

I know it's not a good reason for her to ignore you, but it sounds like it's the only way she's able to cope right now. Just let her know you're there for her, but don't pressure her to talk. She may come around sooner than later, but don't be surprised if it takes the whole pregnancy or longer.

I know it feels hurtful for you, and you are absolutely entitled to feel hurt, but I also wanted to shed a little light on why she's probably ignoring you. She's doing what she has to do to protect her and take care of her. Some people are able to explain why they are distant, but some aren't able to.

Try not to be too harsh on her, and hopefully she'll come around sooner or later (even if just to explain)

 

[Buffyx]

I agree with spunky that a miscarriage is an awful and emotional time. I've had 1 and although I didn't avoid or ignore people who were pregnant, I did get very upset behind closed doors.

 

[orionfox]

The one thing i find that often happens, is those who do get pregnant non intentionally shoves it in the face of those struggling. Think of it this way...if you always kept misscarrying and then had a friend who bragged about being preggo and said i cant wait until you get prego, how would it make you feel? You would feel hurt that they didnt consider your feelings on the matter. Not that you mean to hurt her, but by how she has reacted tells me she was hurt by it. I know it hurt me seeing coworkers get prego while it took me a long 17 months before i got my bfp. And even if you dont think she is bothered by all the mcs, think again as it is a painful experience emotionally. And yes she could still get prego with having mcs, however some never can because their bodies reject all the time for some reason. I know you were all excited and such, but we have to realise its emotionally painful ttc successfully and not shove the fact you are prego in their face unintentionally. I would just give her some space and then explain to her you never meant to hurt her feelings and you shouldve thought about it more carefully. Dont bash yourself about it as you didnt meant any harm...just didnt think about it on how she may have been feeling. My coworker just recently had a mc and i was slow to tell her about my pregnancy until she asked when i was talking to another coworker. But i was careful how i talked about it. Luckily she wasnt far along so it wasnt as hurtful for her. But i had to be gentle with my approach as to not hurt her feelings. Ig was a bit easier though as she wasnt trying at the time. But it may have been harder for your friend. Just have some understanding and compassion

 

[Lirpa11]

I would give her space, and let her come to you. As someone who tried for nearly a year and half, and then went through ivf at 26, I know it's very hard to see so many other people fall pregnant so easily. I used to cry each month when I got AF and wanted to delete fb as girls were always getting BFPs with their partners and not even trying for more than a couple months, or not TTC at all. It was heart breaking.

After 6 months of us TTC, my best friend messaged me. She said that she knew I had been trying and did not want to upset me, but she wanted me to be the first to know that she was pregnant unexpectedly. The way she handled it showed me that she cared for my feelings, and although I was hurt and couldn't understand why my husband and I (who had been together 8 years ) could not make a baby, I respected that she was thoughtful of my feelings. I was very happy for her and can't wait to get to the usa and hold my new godson (who is now 6 months old). I would have been very hurt and stand off-ish if she had just announced to the world about it without taking my feelings into consideration. I would have gotten over it, but I would have been hurt and taken time to come around.

At the same time, I understand that you are happy and excited, and would like to share the experience with her. But be aware that she may be hurting.

 

[Bing28]

I agrees with everyone else that your friend will most definately be hurting right now.

On my 17 month TTC journey I would unfollow any pregnant friends on Facebook so I couldn't see their status updates and simply things like seeing pregnant ladies in the street would almost send me to tears. It was the most difficult journey I have ever been through in my whole life!

So I would just give your friend some space until she is ready to talk to you.

I hope it all works out for you both. X

 

[bunnyhop]

The one thing i find that often happens, is those who do get pregnant non intentionally shoves it in the face of those struggling. QUOTE]

This is so true I lost a baby whilst my sister was expecting and although she never knew, she was so inconsiderate but that was because she was excited for her baby, asking me to feel kicks, getting belly out at every opportunity etc. If I hadn't had my loss I wouldn't have felt so hurt.

Also you don't have to go the hosp when you have a MC I did as I bled terrible and needed help but I know lots of mamas that have stayed at home and handled it themselves.

Just give her time lovely, she will come around but no doubt just still raw x

 

[maryanne1987]

Totally agree with the other ladies. We spent 7 years ttc. Pregnancy announcements used to crush me, I wanted to be happy for them but I just felt like bursting into tears everytime I saw someone show off a scan pic or announce their arrival on facebook. It was a very hard time. You don't need to go into hospital for a miscarrige, I've had 7 and only the later ones I've had in a hospital. The rest were at home. I'm sure she's just struggling with her situation at the moment, but will come around soon. I wouldn't chase after her. She probably just needs space. And you need to feel you can be happy and excited about your pregnancy without fear of upsetting anyone.

 

[GetNmyBelly]

ok i never "shoved my pregnancy in her face" intentionally or not. i understand her feelings of hurt/jealousy but wat about my feelings? if it was the other way around & she was pregnant & i had been trying i would have at least ACTED happy 4 her. i got no congrats nothing just "o well i wouldn't tell anyone yet cuz anything can happen" i think its wrong but hey that's me expecting more out of "friends" i have plenty of people that r happy 4 me.. i just thought her & i were closer than that? idk. i really care 4 her but its making me more mad every day about how she acted & im really the only friend that she has! not that i have a ton of friends! shes pretty much showing me she doesn't care about our friendship so why should i really care? when i first found out i was pregnant she had been trying for wat 4 or 5 months... that's not a long time. i bet if she were to find out she was pregnant 2day she would be all over me.. & that's not a true friend 2 me. idk. im thinking more about it & im thinking i should just completely cut her out of the picture ..if we make up later n life ok if not that's ok 2. thanks 4 all ur help but i feel most of u were pretty much bashing me for telling my friend i was pregnant? sharing the most exciting news ive ever had with my "FRIEND" ..lOl idk screw it.

 

[spunky84]

No, we're not bashing you at all about you telling your friend you're pregnant. Not at all I don't think you were trying to shove it in her face.

Most of us are just trying to explain the probably reason behind her behavior. It would have been nice if she had congratulated you, but she just might be in a really bad place.

As far as how long she's been ttc, well, everyone is different as far as how it makes them feel. She might be feeling devastated, especially if she's experience losses.

You absolutely should be excited about your pregnancy and be able to share the news. It's just kind of a hard position when you have someone who is struggling. It's not your fault at all. It's just a delicate situation.

I announced on facebook last Saturday. One of my friends, while not going through fertility issues, had a really hard time with my announcement. Her little boy is sick. He's been sick since he was 4 months old. He's almost 3 now and is almost just now starting to walk on his own some. He has a lot of developmental delays, and life has just been very hard on her and her family with this. She messaged me 2 days later and apologized for not congratulating me sooner. She explained that she's really struggling with pregnancies and healthy babies when her son is so sick.

I absolutely understand why she feels that way, and I just reassured her that how she feels isn't wrong, and that it's okay. I told her I was there if she ever needed to talk.

If your friend is feeling that way, she might not be able to admit how she feels (I know I would never be able to). I still congratulated people, but I was hurting a lot and had to stay away for my own health. I knew what my limits where. I did enough to be supportive as much as I could be, and would have meltdowns in private.

Honestly, just give her space. These situations are always so hard as they are delicate situations where you try and find a balance. On one hand you want to be sympathetic, but on the other hand, you have absolutely every right to be happy, and excited, and to tell people about your pregnancy.

Your not wrong and certainly no bashing from me, but I just think everyone wanted to give insight as to what is possibly be going on with your friend.

 

[Tink_]

I agree with Spunky hun. She spoke some very wise words

It's completely normal for you to want to tell your friend, especially somebody who you are so close to and I'm sorry you have felt so hurt by her reaction.

One of my closest friends isn't able to have children, or at least not for the foreseeable, and it was really hard telling her. My friend was very understanding but you could tell it was a sad situation for her as she desperately wants a baby too. I think so far my plan with her has been to just try and be aware of her feelings - which it sounds like you want to do to - and so I'm not going to throw it in her face (and you haven't) but of course if she wants to ask me questions and be involved, I'd involve her!
I had tried for 20 months before my BFP and had several miscarriages so I kind of know how I felt. I was very happy for my friends that did get BFP's but it was also sad that it felt like I was failing as a woman.

You said you are considering not having contact with your friend. It's completely up to you but I guess what I would say is, don't make any decisions today sort of thing. You are bound to be feeling lots of emotions right now - pregnancy is amazing but emotions are everywhere! It also is understandable that you are upset by her reaction and equally it sounds like your friend is upset too. Maybe wait a couple of weeks and see how things go for you both.
xxx

 

[GetNmyBelly]

thanks u guys (last 2 posters) u guys r right. & I really shouldn't make any decisions 2day although I was about 2 delete her number & delete her off my facebook I think Ill wait & see wat happens. because my emotions probably are all over the place! & plus I do love & care 4 her. I guess 4,5,6 months doesn't seem that long 2 be trying 2 me but I guess month after month it would get hard seeing BFNs . so I will definitely try 2 keep that n mind. I think she will get pregnant it just may not be as soon as she wants it 2 happen (as it usually isn't) the last time I talked 2 her she was blaming her husbands sperm lOl because he is obese & she isn't. which I mean that could be it but I doubt it since shes said shes been pregnant by him twice. I hope she does get pregnant but it would kind of hurt if all of a sudden she got pregnant & wanted 2 talk 2 me. I guess we will see wat happens!

 

[knobby]

Like everyone else said, she probably needs time and will come around eventually. She probably very badly wishes she could be pregnant with you, but it isn't that easy for her to get pregnant. I had fertility issues as well, and it can feel very lonely, because no one understands why you can't get pregnant.

I had 3 miscarriages over a year and a half. The first 2 were chemical pregnancies. I lost them at 5w3d and 5w6d - not enough time to make it to a doctor for a prenatal appointment - they want to see you around 8 weeks for your first appointment. Also the bleeding was like a heavy period and didn't warrant an ER visit or a trip to the dr. So I would not question her previous pregnancies just because she didn't go to the dr.

 

[Kazy]

I can understand being so hurt too when someone isn't excited for you. I had that experience before I ever had my miscarriages and I was crushed.
If you haven't actually had a miscarriage or a hard time conceiving g I think it's really hard to understand the emotions if it. I had three kids before my MCs and honestly I didn't understand how devastating it was. Not that I was insensitive I just didn't really know.
That said hopefully she will ck e around d and be happy for you. It is a really exciting time and it is hard if there are people close to you not as happy as you'd hoped they'd be. I know for me announcing is one of the best parts of pregnancy.
Not to mention early pregnancy hormones don't help your emotions either!!

 

[Christi85]

Others have put it very well already.
We couldn't conceive for about 16 cycles and then I finally fell pregnant and it ended in a 'missed miscarriage'. The baby never developed and we found out when I had a scan. It was devastating. Around the time I was having a D&C to remove the miscarried 'left overs', two of our friends had their first babies - one of the couples even got pregnant the month after their wedding!! Pictures of babies and little feet and what have you were all over Facebook. I had to unfollow them, it was just too tough for me. Not that I wasn't happy for them (and indeed I did congratulate them), but I was so drenched in my own misery that I just couldn't bear the thought of other people having babies when I had just lost a pregnancy AFTER struggling to conceive. I also struggled immensely with other people's announcements during the time I was desperately trying to get pregnant and failing miserably. I also remember how a seemingly innocent comment from a friend hurt me a lot soon after I had had my MC. We were discussing contraception methods and she was adamant that the 'pulling out' method is not reliable contraception (it isn't, but that's beside the point) and she then went on to say how she had once gotten pregnant when using that method years ago, before she had her two kids (who she conceived in no time). Implying that she had gotten pregnant accidentally and had aborted that baby. That hurt me like hell. I know she had no idea about my feelings and no intention of hurting me, but her words did. These all go to show that, while you didn't intentionally do or say anything to hurt her, she might have been hurt just by the way the circumstances are. It sucks for her and it sucks even more that she can't be happy for you the way she should (and knows it).

Hopefully your friend will come around and will be happy for you eventually. It's probably just too crushing for her at the moment. Don't be offended if she wants to forego your baby shower later etc. (unless of course she is pregnant by then), like others have said, just give her space. You say she's immature, but I just hope she will find the maturity to talk her feelings through with you at some point. I did that with all my close friends when I let them know about my fertility struggles, and those of them who happened to get pregnant while I was still going through tough times, were absolutely respectful in the way they let me know about it. But if I hadn't told them, they couldn't have guessed how I felt, and if I reacted in a weird way, they could have been hurt as well, just like how you are feeling. Sounds like your friend is not being honest with herself (saying she doesn't care isn't a way to 'own' her problem). Hopefully she will find it in her to open up to you and face her tough feelings, and hopefully things will get better again from then on.

As for you, it's absolutely normal to want to celebrate your pregnancy and be happy for it. I would say, choose some other friends or family to do it with, for the time being. Don't rely on that friend too much right now to share your pregnancy glee with, as she's probably dealing with her own misery.

 

[GetNmyBelly]

thank u everybody. I didn't know who else 2 ask because I didn't want 2 be talking about her 2 my other friends & family telling them about her problems etc... I just wish she would talk 2 me I guess. & its not like I wanna talk 2 her & go on & on about my pregnancy & symptoms & everything else I just want 2 talk 2 her about other things.. life, our husbands, our pets etc... the way we always did before ya know... Im sure everything will work out for the best n the end whether we're friends anymore or not. if she does get pregnant & all of a sudden wants 2 hang out & talk 2 me I don't know if ill be willing. I will update & let everyone know if our friendship lasts or not.

 

[orionfox]

Im sure she will come around eventually when she is ready. For some is hurts them when others are getting preggers and not them. And they are ok to feel that way as its not wrong too. I know during my 17 months of trying it hurt me really bad and i was soooo upset. While for some others it doesnt bother them. You have every right to be happy and to share the news with whomever tou want, but just be aware that some whom have suffered losses or bfns month after month, may feel a bit upset. When she gets over the hurt, she will be welcoming of your pregnancy. I think her telling you about not posting it all over fb so soon is just words of wisdom since she has dealt with so many early mcs. Heck even im not posting on fb until at least 3 months. But you can do what ever you want. Just remember that she is still your friend but is just having a hard time. No one at all was bashing you, we just want you to see where she is coming from. She has every right to feel hurt and not want to talk, just like you have every right to tell whomever you wish and be very happy about it. We all show our emotions and such in different ways. And we all handle situations differently. Hopefully it all works out for you two in the end.

 

[orionfox]

And please dont take her not talking to you personally...she isnt doing it to be mean to you or in spite of your pregnancy. Normally when someone shuts others out, its due to having it happen all around them and they just cant handle it anymore atm. I will be honest, during december after i got my af again i left the boards and couldnt talk about wanting to be preggers anymore. I was very hurt. It really hurt me a lot seeing everyone else around me getting bfps. I was mad at why it wasnt happening with me. I couldnt deal with it and was ready to just give up. Then because i left the boards etc, that next cycle i got my bfp. And if she does happen to suddenly get prego and tell you, please dont think it will be ok to do the same to her. It wont make it better as she isnt trying to be mean to you. Its not a personal thing against you and your baby. Obviously its been hurting her a lot with all the losses. She just needs time to get herself figured out in this whole pregnancy world. I swear once you start ttc, you starting hearing more about pregnancy, more pregnancy commercials etc. It haunts you lol. So its just ben a bit harder on her and she could really use people who are understanding of that. And her not saying congrats is not personal, its that she is dealing with her own battle and saying it right now is too hard. But its not that she isnt happy for you.