How do you cope with other women's pregnancies?

[Ruth2307]

Hello

I am looking for some tips and advice on how you cope when either a friend or relative announces a pregnancy.

I realise that this depends on a number of factors i.e. who this person is to you, where you are on your 'journey' (an overused word but can't think of a better one!), the day of your cycle, where you are when you hear the news -I think you can see what I'm getting at.

Many times I just don't know how to react and by the time I've regained some composure I have given myself away and it's all I can do not to burst into tears. Or the words of congratulations stick in my throat and my smile is so fake! It's a tough one because you don't want to take away from their joy and happiness but at the same time it's hard to even speak when inside you feel something has died.

Also what do you tell people when they ask the dreaded 'don't you want kids then?' or questions of that ilk? At the moment I just say 'it didn't happen for me' but that sounds so lame!

Sorry if this has already been dealt with on this forum but I had a read through previous threads and I couldn't see it.

Thanks ladies...

Ruth xxxx

 

[GraceFace]

Hello

I am looking for some tips and advice on how you cope when either a friend or relative announces a pregnancy.

I realise that this depends on a number of factors i.e. who this person is to you, where you are on your 'journey' (an overused word but can't think of a better one!), the day of your cycle, where you are when you hear the news -I think you can see what I'm getting at.

Many times I just don't know how to react and by the time I've regained some composure I have given myself away and it's all I can do not to burst into tears. Or the words of congratulations stick in my throat and my smile is so fake! It's a tough one because you don't want to take away from their joy and happiness but at the same time it's hard to even speak when inside you feel something has died.

Also what do you tell people when they ask the dreaded 'don't you want kids then?' or questions of that ilk? At the moment I just say 'it didn't happen for me' but that sounds so lame!

Sorry if this has already been dealt with on this forum but I had a read through previous threads and I couldn't see it.

Thanks ladies...

Ruth xxxx

Ruth, none of my friends are looking to ttc. They have all had their babies and are done. I have no one to share this with except OH and he is of the opinion that if it happens "GREAT!" and if it doesn't, well then we have years to enjoy each other. I have one friend who I shared this with and he told me he would beat me with a stick if I end up pregnant. How's that for support? Well, since it really isn't his decision I just let it roll off my back. Other than that, when a pregnant woman walks by me I just pretend to spit at her! LOL! I know it isn't nice, but I have to do something to stay sane!

 

[luvmydoggies]

Hello

I am looking for some tips and advice on how you cope when either a friend or relative announces a pregnancy.

I realise that this depends on a number of factors i.e. who this person is to you, where you are on your 'journey' (an overused word but can't think of a better one!), the day of your cycle, where you are when you hear the news -I think you can see what I'm getting at.

Many times I just don't know how to react and by the time I've regained some composure I have given myself away and it's all I can do not to burst into tears. Or the words of congratulations stick in my throat and my smile is so fake! It's a tough one because you don't want to take away from their joy and happiness but at the same time it's hard to even speak when inside you feel something has died.

Also what do you tell people when they ask the dreaded 'don't you want kids then?' or questions of that ilk? At the moment I just say 'it didn't happen for me' but that sounds so lame!

Sorry if this has already been dealt with on this forum but I had a read through previous threads and I couldn't see it.

Thanks ladies...

Ruth xxxx

Hi Ruth,
I also find it difficult to hear the news of a pregnancy. I try and smile but I'm heartbroken at the same time. My dh cousin announced to the family that she was 3 months pg on facebook....and it was like a stab in my heart. All of my friends, family and in-laws are either pregnant or have just recently had children. I know that when my cousin called me...to announce her second pregnancy, I told her I was happy for her but I could here the phony voice of mine...it was only b/c I was so sad that yet again someone around me is pg but not me. My dh and I always get the same question too..."when are you two going to have kids????" I feel like screaming at the top of my lungs we are trying, obviously, it hasn't happened yet!!! It's just my frustration coming out. Honestly, I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sure, I totally didn''t help you.
sorry for the rant.

 

[Ruth2307]

Yes, you did help me: I don't feel as if I'm the only one sounding fake!!

People either assume that I am a selfish, career woman who's not interested in kids only in clothes, shoes, skincare, travelling and doing up my house or they think that I already have children and they ask ridiculous questions. Once I was alone in the waiting room at the Dr's surgery just before xmas and this woman trying to make small talk asked me if my little ones had already broken up from school for the holidays. As always I had that vacant look on my face when I was trying to think a) what she was talking about and b) how I was going to reply without having to hear the shocked 'you haven't got any children?' question. I'm sure people must think I am a little slow at times because of my delayed reaction!

 

[gilkar]

Yeah, I just heard today a co-worker in my section (like a few feet away from me) is about 04 months pregnant. She's not announced it yet, but since I just got my own news on Monday, of my ICSI failure, I'm not overly over joyed. While, yes, I have a daughter already, who's 20 months, from a previous ICSI, so what ? Now, I have new problems, like is she going to grow up alone ? Christmas, Easter, no one to open up gifts with. We're older, so who will be lean to, when we're gone one day ?

~ Baby dust to us all !~ And pretty damn quick !~

Karen

 

[Spoomie]

Hi Ruth

I'm amazed that it's still acceptable for people to ask, When will you have children/Didn't you want them?!!! People are so clueless, I would NEVER ask a woman that.

My response would be 'badly', I deal with it badly - inside and outside. I think all kinds of nasty thoughts and then hate myself for doing so. I know a woman who is 2 weeks ahead of where my lost pregnancy should have been and I can barely speak in words of more than one syllable to her. Seeing her growing bump is so hard and makes me feel such a deep, painful longing. What I actually want to say to her is, Go away because every time I look at you I ache for my baby. She knew about my m/c and every time I see her she asks how I am and I just want to say, How do you think? I'm a mess! I know I am prickly and that my tension and distress makes me sound terse but small talk with pregnant women is too much to bear. I have a 2.5 year old and going back to playgroups for him has been so terribly difficult.

Thinking of you, be strong and keep the faith x

 

[velo]

Fortunately no one around me is pregnant at the moment. I think I could be happy for them but if they complain about being pregnant I'm sure the rage would fuel up inside.

Also a few people have hinted around the question when are you going to have kids? but mostly are too polite to ask it outright so I play dumb.

In the last year we have moved to a new community. So whenever we meet new people the first question they always ask is "Do you have kids?". Its starting to get to me a bit though I know they are just being friendly and if they have kids themselves are obviously interested in finding out new potential playmates.

 

[luvmydoggies]

Yes, you did help me: I don't feel as if I'm the only one sounding fake!!

People either assume that I am a selfish, career woman who's not interested in kids only in clothes, shoes, skincare, travelling and doing up my house or they think that I already have children and they ask ridiculous questions. Once I was alone in the waiting room at the Dr's surgery just before xmas and this woman trying to make small talk asked me if my little ones had already broken up from school for the holidays. As always I had that vacant look on my face when I was trying to think a) what she was talking about and b) how I was going to reply without having to hear the shocked 'you haven't got any children?' question. I'm sure people must think I am a little slow at times because of my delayed reaction!

I'm glad it helped. I can't imagine what I would do if someone said that to me. She was out of line to ask you that. She should have just been minding her own beezwax. I get the same thing! That all my dh and I want to do is be alone, travel, drink, work, social etc... They don't understand the heartache of seeing a bfn on a preg,. test month after month. I would gladly give all that up to hear the little pitter patter of my childs feet running around me.
Ruth,gracface,gilkar,spoomie,velo: wishing all of us lot's of

 

[luvmydoggies]

Fortunately no one around me is pregnant at the moment. I think I could be happy for them but if they complain about being pregnant I'm sure the rage would fuel up inside.

Also a few people have hinted around the question when are you going to have kids? but mostly are too polite to ask it outright so I play dumb.

In the last year we have moved to a new community. So whenever we meet new people the first question they always ask is "Do you have kids?". Its starting to get to me a bit though I know they are just being friendly and if they have kids themselves are obviously interested in finding out new potential playmates.

Hi Velo, I noticed that we are both the same age, I'm 37 also ttc my first. We are also on the same cycle day, CD4! Dh and I have been trying for 2yrs+ and he has issues with his "soldiers". He is on vitamins at the moment, so we are hoping that he can get his numbers up!

 

[velo]

Hi Velo, I noticed that we are both the same age, I'm 37 also ttc my first. We are also on the same cycle day, CD4! Dh and I have been trying for 2yrs+ and he has issues with his "soldiers". He is on vitamins at the moment, so we are hoping that he can get his numbers up!

Yay we can be cycle buddies. FX for both of us this cycle. Hope the vitamins help with his soldiers. I am bugging my DH to cut out coffee and alcohol to help the soldiers, but he refuses to give up coffee at least until he sees a SA! We are going to get one done soon but have to wait until he is off antibiotics.

 

[luvmydoggies]

I would love to have you as my cycle buddy! I'm pretty new at the forum, so do we just check in on each other? See when we are going to test?

 

[wish4babybump]

I work in a pharmacy that has a close relationship with the fertility clinic, so I probably see more pregnant women than the average but I try to take this as a positive thing as I know what they have been through. What gets me is when the women in their early 20's are telling me not to wait till I'm their age, as I look young, but inside I am pulling at my hair and screaming I am 36 !! I know age alone isn't the only factor in fertility. But I have had my share of surgeries. First in October/2009 to remove a 15cm fibroid (hopefully there isn't a lot of scar tissue and it is not affecting my fertility) I will need a c-section because of it. Then this month I had a polyp removed. We've been trying since Apr/2010.

Some days are harder then others, but I've been able to hold back the tears when in front of people, but I too know that I must look and sound fake.

To GraceFace : I like the idea of pretending to spit on pregnant women though lol, made me laugh, I'll have to remember that.

 

[luvmydoggies]

I work in a pharmacy that has a close relationship with the fertility clinic, so I probably see more pregnant women than the average but I try to take this as a positive thing as I know what they have been through. What gets me is when the women in their early 20's are telling me not to wait till I'm their age, as I look young, but inside I am pulling at my hair and screaming I am 36 !! I know age alone isn't the only factor in fertility. But I have had my share of surgeries. First in October/2009 to remove a 15cm fibroid (hopefully there isn't a lot of scar tissue and it is not affecting my fertility) I will need a c-section because of it. Then this month I had a polyp removed. We've been trying since Apr/2010.

Some days are harder then others, but I've been able to hold back the tears when in front of people, but I too know that I must look and sound fake.

To GraceFace : I like the idea of pretending to spit on pregnant women though lol, made me laugh, I'll have to remember that.

That must be really hard for you! I'm so sorry. I also look very young for my age, I'm 37.
Most people think I'm in my 20's (i wish). So, they seem to think I have plenty of time. I don't feel old. I wish I could have started a family earlier but life did not work out that way. I got married when I was 30 and got diagnosed with an illness when I was 31(un-related to fertility) so that put off trying for a very long time! That is why I am so happy I found baby and bump because I don't have anyone around me that understands. Anyway, GL and lots of to you.

 

[Ruth2307]

I am 37 too!! People don't think I'm as old as I am either and get the 'there's plenty of time' comments, which wind me up a bit.

For the last 11 months I've had a 'perfect' 28 day cycle but following an excruitiating HSG that left me with an infection at the beginning of this month I've ended up with a slightly longer cycle.

I'd love a cycle buddy but I don't know if I'm on CD1 or CD2: (apologies if this is TMI but I'm sure you'll understand) last night when I went to the loo there was some blood but this morning I'm bleeding properly. When should I count from, yesterday or today?

Thanks for all of your replies - it means so much to me.
xxxx

 

[inkdchick]

im 44 and had my last daughter at age 27 so nearly 20 years ago and have been trying for another baby with new hubby now ofr 3 years, had 5 early m/c's and have now been having acupuncture and taking agnus cactus this cycle to see if it helps , so far i notice a difference in myself and the acupuncturist says its looking promising so she will continue to get my progesterone levels ups as this was my problem. My progesterone kept dropping after i got pregnant and then couldnt sustain it so shed the pregnancy, so hopefully with her help it will work for us.
The success rate of acupuncture is around 85% for all unexplained infertility , i would recommend it as so many others have.
Good luck xx

 

[inkdchick]

Ruth if it was bright red blood yesterday count yesterday as day 1 hun

 

[Jax41]

Hi girlies - I'm with you all on this one - totally. My stab in the heart was when DH's DS announced last year that girlfriend was expecting (lovely little girl arrived safely last September). Forget the Kings Speech, I would have won an Oscar for my performance but it absolutely winded me, DH and I fell out for days because I had been banging on for years about us having one of our own and I'd always said my worst nightmare would be one of his getting there before us - he just didn't understand my 'over reaction' - men!!! I've got over it now (DH hugely guilty) but it took me a long time, I'm not proud of my inner feelings but hey I'm only human....

My one thing I hate being told is 'you're lucky you've not got kids, your life must be so good'. Err, excuse me what an unfeeling, unkind thing to say, you have no idea what you are talking about!!!! I can't find the right words to respond so I don't......

It's hard, I know, my heart goes out to all of us and I guess when we do get our BFP's, bumps and babies they'll all say 'bit old aren't you, clock ticking too loudly was it?. £$*! off, I don't care and it's none of your business!!!!! I'm ready with that one!!

Loads of luv, luck and baby dust girls lets show them and get those bubs!!

 

[Conina]

No-one around me has been pregnant while we've been TTC, but I'm totally with you on people asking "When are you thinking...?" It REALLY annoys me, especially as it always seems to be people with very little connection to me (wives of friends of DH, Dh's brother's GF...). My best friends would know better NOT to ask, why do these people think they have the right???

The worse one was DH's friend's wife, who asked me, and I gave my standard response ("We're still practising!"), to which she replied, "Yes, (her husband) says you're really into your career"



(Although karma has now hit her - she's had twins when her daughter was only 18 months and is having a nightmare coping with them all. I shouldn't laugh...)

 

[Ruth2307]

Hi girlies - I'm with you all on this one - totally. My stab in the heart was when DH's DS announced last year that girlfriend was expecting (lovely little girl arrived safely last September). Forget the Kings Speech, I would have won an Oscar for my performance but it absolutely winded me, DH and I fell out for days because I had been banging on for years about us having one of our own and I'd always said my worst nightmare would be one of his getting there before us - he just didn't understand my 'over reaction' - men!!! I've got over it now (DH hugely guilty) but it took me a long time, I'm not proud of my inner feelings but hey I'm only human....

My one thing I hate being told is 'you're lucky you've not got kids, your life must be so good'. Err, excuse me what an unfeeling, unkind thing to say, you have no idea what you are talking about!!!! I can't find the right words to respond so I don't......

It's hard, I know, my heart goes out to all of us and I guess when we do get our BFP's, bumps and babies they'll all say 'bit old aren't you, clock ticking too loudly was it?. £$*! off, I don't care and it's none of your business!!!!! I'm ready with that one!!

Loads of luv, luck and baby dust girls lets show them and get those bubs!!

I am SOOOOO glad I joined this site. Jax I loved your post!! Although this is such a sensitive and emotive subject we are still managing to make each other laugh. Thank you thank you thank you.

PS finally heard from hospital today: left tube is definitely blocked - am GUTTED!

 

[Storm1jet2]

I usually go for the fake smile and congratulations and act breezy - I have been known to go home for a little cry though, its not that I begrudge their happiness I'd just like some myself. My little 7 year old nephew asked me at the dinner table one week (at my folks) if I was ever going to have babies, I said I honestly didn't know, to which he said I hope you do, I'd like more cousins. Sweet and innocent of him but made me really sad