Husband attacked me 6 weeks postpartum..my fault

[calm81]

TTC

 

[k4th]

This is NOT your fault. Even if you took a swing - self defence would be pushing you away - not tearing your hair out, bashing your head, hitting your shoulder etc etc. he lost it!

I know life isn't always black & white - but you need to go somewhere safe until he realises what he has done and that he has problems with alcohol. He doesn't seem able to control himself after a drink. Whether or not you would choose to forgive him AFTER he sorts himself out is another issue.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't take responsibility for his actions - that makes it far too easy for him to hand over responsibility and not face up to who he is becoming.

I was snooping in baby club - don't really belong here yet. I just couldn't r&r

 

[staralfur]

There is absolutely no excuse for that. The fact that he's trying to defend his behaviour just shows how far gone he is. I would get far, far away from him - if not for your sake but the sake of your children. I would not trust a man like that around my kids for a second.

I know he's your husband and you love him and it's hard, but I imagine it's harder staying in a place that you don't feel safe. He's physically and emotionally abusive and you don't deserve either.

Can you go stay with someone for a while until you can figure out how you're going to move forward? Honestly, from an objective POV, staying with this guy is not an option. Please get out.

Edit: I know you said you're afraid to tell your friends and family but I think you need to tell someone that you're close to and you trust. They will have your best interests at heart and can help keep you on track.

 

[Fizzyfefe]

Oh hun. This was not your fault and you did not deserve it. Nothing warrants your husband laying a hand on you. Nothing. You are not responsible for his behavior, regardless of your shouting. Has he done this before? I am not one to tell a person what they should or should not do, but if it were me, I would be leaving and taking the children with me.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

 

[Radkat]

Get out. Period. Your kids could be taken away if you keep them in an abusive environment. It was his fault for hitting you, but you need to take action to protect youself and your kids.

 

[bdb84]

This is not a healthy relationship AT ALL. He has some nerve, as an alcoholic, pointing fingers at someone else for what *he deems* is a lack of self control.

He put his hands ON YOU. That is NOT okay. Please do not sweep this under the rug. He is abusive in all forms of the word.

 

[hanni]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I know it won't be as easy as everyone says to just leave in situations like this but if that was me I'd have been gone the first time he called me fat.
In no way did you deserve to be beating for raising your arm. He's using that as an excuse.
Do you think it's possible you don't remember it due to something that happened to cause the injuries on your head?

 

[lau86]

He sounds like a bully to me. From the injuries described there is no way he was acting in self defense IMO. He beat you up. He ripped the hair from your head! He has a drink problem and is verbally abusive too.
I'm so sorry you're in this situation, he sounds like a horrible husband. I think you should consider leaving/ chucking him out. The fact you even wonder whether you deserved it is very worrying.
Eta pp has a good point- exactly what did he do to you that you didn't even remember...

 

[superfrizbee]

How is any of this your fault?! That is just horrific! Tell me this - if your daughter was in a relationship like this what would you tell her to do? You would tell her to take her kids, get out and never look back. Good luck hun x

 

[staralfur]

I'm so sorry you're going through all this. I know it won't be as easy as everyone says to just leave in situations like this but if that was me I'd have been gone the first time he called me fat.
In no way did you deserve to be beating for raising your arm. He's using that as an excuse.
Do you think it's possible you don't remember it due to something that happened to cause the injuries on your head?

^^ that's a good point. A few glasses of wine shouldn't cause you to completely black out, especially since you remembered what happened until he started attacking you.

 

[calm81]

It's not normal for him to lay a hand on me.. He can be verbally mean but I'm quick to retaliate and call him names RIGHT BACK! Being physical towards me Is new. I'm thinking he's just really stressed about the lack of sleep and hospital bills we are up to our necks In.... I know that's NO EXCUSE. I already told him if another physical altercation happens regardless of who's at fault then the marriage is over. He's usually so sweet and nurturing until the alcohol changes him. His entire family have issues

 

[lau86]

Well if you're prepared to put up with him he needs to get his shit together and get some help

 

[hanni]

Is it an option to get him to stop drinking?

 

[Jessicahide]

I am going to sound harsh but I have to be..... This will be the first of many beatings, this man is dangerous aggressive and he belittles you.... Who the hell does he think he is, leave him now before this is an everyday thing, what a fuckface!

 

[AK89]

Oh my God, this was in no way, shape or form your fault!! Your husband sounds like a violent, abusive alcoholic and I think you need to get far away from him as soon as possible I can't believe he would say those things to you, especially in front of your children. And to physically abuse you is...beyond words. I don't think anyone would accept that as 'self defense'. Self defense is exactly that - defending yourself! Not ATTACKING the other person. Even if you did lunge at him or whatever, that definitely did not warrant his response. I can't believe he ripped some of your hair out!

I'm sorry but I think you need to take drastic action...Get away from him before he does something else.

 

[AK89]

It's not normal for him to lay a hand on me.. He can be verbally mean but I'm quick to retaliate and call him names RIGHT BACK! Being physical towards me Is new. I'm thinking he's just really stressed about the lack of sleep and hospital bills we are up to our necks In.... I know that's NO EXCUSE. I already told him if another physical altercation happens regardless of who's at fault then the marriage is over. He's usually so sweet and nurturing until the alcohol changes him. His entire family have issues

Physical altercations aside, what he did to you was abuse. Telling you you're fat 6 weeks after delivering his child??? And on Mother's Day?!??! In front of your children! That's disgraceful.

 

[apple_20]

I'm not saying this will be easy but I really think you should leave him,

I'm speaking from experience he won't change, why would he you just forgave him?

I know that sounds harsh and once you have a child with someone it's not so easy to leave, but your child should be your motivation NOT to put up with this.

 

[MindUtopia]

Oh gosh, hun, I was in a relationship JUST like this years ago, well before I met my husband and had my daughter. I could have written something just like this myself back then...minus the bit about also having to parent through it all. It's emotional and physical abuse and no you absolutely did nothing to deserve it. It's really awful to say, but if I was in your shoes, I'd be making an exit plan now, figuring out a way that I could live and support myself without his help. It's not going to get better. These things don't magically change (unless he gets some serious help with his drinking - my ex was also an alcoholic and could go from fine to cruel in minutes when he had too much to drink - and unless he gets some therapy to deal with his anger issues). Could he change one day? Maybe. It's possible. But I wouldn't waste your life waiting around for it in case it never happen. You need to take care of you first, as well as your children, and the best thing you can do for them is to not let them grow up learning that it's okay to abuse others or being abused themselves. My parents relationship was also exactly like this (probably why I ended up someone just like my dad when I was younger!). I spend my childhood listening to my dad tell my mum that she was fat, that she ate the wrong things, that she put a glass down on the table in the wrong way, I got shouted at because apparently it was my fault when my dad spilled a whole can of paint on the lounge carpet while doing some painting simply because I'd been in the house and I annoyed him, I used to hide in the cellar and listen to my dad berate my mum and cry. It was horrible You don't deserve a life like that and your kids don't deserve that either. Not sure it's what you want to hear, but find yourself a safe way to make an exit from that relationship and be somewhere where you can take care of yourself and get back to feeling good about yourself.

 

[bdb84]

It will happen again. Maybe not in the near future, but once your guard is down again and he is no longer trying to sweet talk his way back into your good graces, he will drink to excess (he has to have "an excuse", ya know?), instigate your anger with his verbal abuse, and hit you again.

Don't give him another chance. And please quit justifying his abuse. A good percentage of us wouldn't sit back and let someone insult us without giving it right back to them. The issue here is that he does this multiple times. He gets a sick pleasure out of belittling you. His self esteem is so low that he feels he must drag you down to his level to ensure you do not have enough confidence to leave him (because he knows he is NOT good enough for you).

 

[staralfur]

It's not normal for him to lay a hand on me.. He can be verbally mean but I'm quick to retaliate and call him names RIGHT BACK! Being physical towards me Is new. I'm thinking he's just really stressed about the lack of sleep and hospital bills we are up to our necks In.... I know that's NO EXCUSE. I already told him if another physical altercation happens regardless of who's at fault then the marriage is over. He's usually so sweet and nurturing until the alcohol changes him. His entire family have issues

I think at the very least you absolutely need to get him to seek help regarding his alcoholism. It should be a "you do this or I'm leaving regardless of if you hurt me again or not" situation, because once he's under the influence of alcohol he won't be able to rationalize what it means to hurt you. Plus now he knows that it's already happened and you've found a way to forgive him so he'll have a harder time believing that you'll actually leave if/when it happens again.

And I think it's worth noting that I was absolutely horrified reading this, it's not just a "oh he pushed me" thing, he gave you a very real and very dangerous beating. It scares me to think what he could do if it happened again and I'm not sure that's a chance you should be taking.

I know it's SO easy for us to say this because we're not in the relationship. I know it's hard to think about your life without your husband/the father of your children. But I think the stress of knowing that he's capable of this, wondering if one day he'll do it to your children, etc. is way harder, you just don't feel it all at once.