Husband says he wants a baby but will not have sex when I am ovulating.

[babyonmymind1]

Hi I could really use some advice from whoever has some. I feel like I am talking my family and friends to sleep about it and they all keep telling me be patient but I feel I need to do more.

My husband and I decided in January that we would TTC. I have a very regular cycle so was hoping that it would happen within the first few months. I am still not pregnant and I am frustrated because when I am ovulating I can not get my husband to have sex with me. I don't announce it to him I just try to put the moves on and it is always a difference excuse like "I'm tired", "I ate too much", or 'Maybe later" and then he falls asleep. he has done this several months in a row and last month I finally asked him if he was serious about having a baby and he said yeah and expressed some concerns he had. We talked about them and he promised this month we would make our best effort. Well last night which was a good day to TTC according to my calendar I tried to initiate and got shot down AGAIN. I wanted to burst into tears right there but am trying so hard to not make our sex life only about babies but I want a baby so bad. I keep seeing friends get pregnant in one try and some even on accident and it makes me sooooo depressed. I don't know what to do. Do I talk to him about it again? If I am not pregnant in a year I don't even think I would feel comfortable asking a doctor for help because we don't know if it is a fertility issue because we have not had sex during my ovulation since we have been trying. I feel so lost. I love my husband with all my heart but I feel betrayed and I don't understand why he is putting me through this. I even told him last month if you are not ready and want to wait that is fine I just need to know because I am stressing myself out about this. PLEASE any advice is appreciated. I am so stressed out and have no concentration cause all I think about is what is wrong with me. Why does he not want to have sex with me?

 

[jenniferlawe]

If you are regular and ovulate the same time each cycle maybe try not to have sex a couple days before so by the time you ovulate he is ready for sex.

 

[Hopeful214]

I agree with Jennifer, try to hold out a little longer that way his anticipation will build up just in time or try making it fun, if not just sit down n talk to him, Me and my dh officially decided we would TTC last cycle so I tell him when im "most fertile" and it we dtd my O day and around it as well, we've never really had a problem in the dept to begin with but now that were TTC we make sure we BD just in time...

 

[Amy_Nicole]

My first bit of advise, don't hide the fact your in your window. Be honest with him. Let him know that your time to conceive for the month is limited to days, and this is it. Let him know your cycle. I mark mine on my husbands calendar. I may not ovulate on the same day every month, but I know I usually ovulate btw 11-19 dpo. Let him know it's coming. I can understand wanting to keep the romance and sex about other then baby making, but sometimes that doesn't always work. There are lots of times I'm tired and sore and not feeling it or I know my hubby is really tired (he works nights) so sometimes I give him a skip the foreplay card. Let him know your plan and what is expect from him. Sex everyday? Sex every other day durning your window?
Also when he told you his concerns, did you address your feelings as well? Does he know you feel lost and frustrated by his lack of intative?

 

[babyonmymind1]

Thanks for your reply. I have tried holding out the days before hoping he would be in the mood and still nothing. I think I have to talk to him tonight the stress is causing my constant headaches and no motivation. This is not healthy for me at all and probably not the best way to conceive either. I always though TTC would be exciting and I can not find that yet.

 

[babyonmymind1]

Yes I have told him I feel misled. I feel like he is telling me he wants a baby just because he knows how bad I want one but deep down he doesn't feel ready or is just very scared. I even told him if he was that scared we could wait a few months. he told me no that he felt better just talking about it. Last night when I tried to initiate and he told me he was too full I told him well this is the good days of the month and he just looked and me and smiled and held me close to him but didn't say a word. I tried again with well don't go to sleep you may feel better and he kinda whispered stop pressuring me and help me closer. I really don't feel like I have been pressuring him at all. I have been understanding and trying to help him with his concerns for the past 6 months and I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want the truth. This is also our first year of marriage and it has been wonderful and I am trying not to argue about things I want to talk about them but what he says and what he does are two different things. One sentence he is picking out names for our babies and the next he is turning me down during my most fertile time. I just don't understand him.

 

[jenniferlawe]

My husband and I decided that we would dtd every other day once my AF was gone so that we were both on the same page and no one had to say anything and that way we shod be good around my fertile time

 

[Gunnhilde]

I've always made it clear to any guy I've been with (XH and DF included) that there better be sex once a day or else! I think you just need to be really honest about feeling rejected and clearly outline to him how you are feeling about this and INSIST he tells you how he is really feeling. It is ok to disagree and fight sometimes, but repressing it is only going to leave you feeling hurt and resentful.

Trust me from experience with XH, you don't want to go into having children if the guy is not 100% committed to it.

 

[Amy_Nicole]

It could be he is experience performance anxiety, and is hiding behind other excuses. Maybe he worried that he'll fail.
Might I ask how old the two of you are?
If he is feeling a lot of anitixy about baby making, maybe try keeping it on the down low for a month. Don't bring it up or remind him, and see if that doesn't pull some of the stress to preform off him? I mean still bd and track yourself, but don't mention baby's. He might be less scared of having them and more scare of if it doesn't happen?

 

[Tbell31]

This is awful for you tbh he sounds very controlling to me ! I would lay my cards down, take some initiative Hun and tell him you won't stand for it ! He's in or not ?? Stop playing games. GL Hun xx

 

[letdoit]

Hi Babyonmymind

I just want to let you know that you are not alone. I have the same problem. My partner has always said he want us to have children and in Dec we went to see a doctor and we were given a go ahead. Since then , he has told me that he does not want to have children anymore,,, he only said he wanted children to please me, ...just lots of excuses. When I'm ovulating, he won't have BD with me! All I'm saying, you are not alone and I know how you feel!

 

[babyonmymind1]

Wow thanks everyone for the responses. I do think that he is afraid that he will fail. I am 30 and he is 40. He has no children and after the first 2 months of trying and we weren't pregnant he was discouraged and immediately thought that something was wrong with him. i explained to him that we need to time stuff and he thinks because he is 40 his chances are lower and I told him no that is not the case for men like it is for women. He is just a worry wart and honestly before trying to have kids we had a great sex life. I am not saying our sex life is bad now there is just all this pressure and I don't know how to not think about it and pretend like it isn't the elephant in the room ya know. I can definitely see him being afraid of failing and knowing how bad I want this so kinda feel like what we don't know won't hurt us. He is not controlling at all I am just not going to be a psycho about it. We have only been trying since January and my doctor said it could take up a year but I can tell something scares him and he tells me his fears we talk about them and then its like he has a month to rethink them again and is all worried again. I know deep down he wants kids I just dont know how to push past all these fears and barriers he has.

 

[MrsParker]

Maybe try explaining to him that a normal healthy couple with no fetility issues (thats a lot to ask lol) only has a 25ish % chance of getting pregnant each month. Me and DH naively thought it would happen straight away but it really doesn't.

Remind him of some older celeb dads as well, there are guys having babies in their 70's! hopefully whatever the issue is you can identify it and work on it because there is clearly something going on his end.

good luck x

 

[danielle1984]

Yes I have told him I feel misled. I feel like he is telling me he wants a baby just because he knows how bad I want one but deep down he doesn't feel ready or is just very scared. I even told him if he was that scared we could wait a few months. he told me no that he felt better just talking about it. Last night when I tried to initiate and he told me he was too full I told him well this is the good days of the month and he just looked and me and smiled and held me close to him but didn't say a word. I tried again with well don't go to sleep you may feel better and he kinda whispered stop pressuring me and help me closer. I really don't feel like I have been pressuring him at all. I have been understanding and trying to help him with his concerns for the past 6 months and I don't think I can do this anymore. I just want the truth. This is also our first year of marriage and it has been wonderful and I am trying not to argue about things I want to talk about them but what he says and what he does are two different things. One sentence he is picking out names for our babies and the next he is turning me down during my most fertile time. I just don't understand him.

Ah! I totally understand you! We have been TTC for a year but I don't think mine is ready too, but he said he is. When I announce to him that I was pregnant in January, he was so stress out and he seem upset about it that he left work came at home and told me we need to go to the hospital to double check if I'm truly pregnant. When I lost it, he was totally fine. He doesn't want to talk about babies, or names. He doesn't even seem excited. During O time, he's always tired too, but he made an effort this month. Aren't men suppose to be excited too about this? I feel like I'm alone in this, that he's not taking part of the TTC thing.

 

[CooCooCaChoo]

This thread is bitter sweet for me. I am sad, actually in tears (stupid hormones).
I am heartbroken for you and what you are going thru. I agree with these ladies that are writing comments along the lines of him needing to "man up". He isn't being fair. He cannot say he is ready and then tell you to stop pressuring him when its "time". He either isn't be truthful to you, or himself, or possibly both of you. Your need to vent is 100% real and justified. Im so sorry you are going thru this.

This thread has also made me realize how truly blessed I am to have the support I need, from my hubby, by my side, while we TTC. He rides this roller coaster too. Its not always pretty or fun, and sometimes he doesn't grasp all the ups and downs I truly feel on some days, but I've never had to feel what you are feeling. This makes me appreciate even more what I have and kind of served as a wake up call to not take him for granted.

I wish I could say something that would help you get thru to him. Although I cannot offer any helpful advice, I can offer to be a sounding board for times that you need to talk. Stay strong Girl, and don't ever think for second you don't have the right to be upset or hurt by this.

Im adding this: If you really believe he is worried about his fertility, check out my thread "Home Sperm Analysis (Micra) - Great Thing". I feel like a darn salesperson pushing this, and I am really not, but its a great option that saves some men the embarrassment of going to the DR.... Good Luck Sweetie.

 

[Gunnhilde]

Ah! I totally understand you! We have been TTC for a year but I don't think mine is ready too, but he said he is. When I announce to him that I was pregnant in January, he was so stress out and he seem upset about it that he left work came at home and told me we need to go to the hospital to double check if I'm truly pregnant. When I lost it, he was totally fine. He doesn't want to talk about babies, or names. He doesn't even seem excited. During O time, he's always tired too, but he made an effort this month. Aren't men suppose to be excited too about this? I feel like I'm alone in this, that he's not taking part of the TTC thing.

That is exactly how it was with my ex-husband when we were TTC. When I finally ended up pregnant he had a total meltdown and just wasn't ready. We ended up getting divorced when I was pregnant and he's never seen his daughter. Lesson learned about men and never being with someone who isn't 100% ready to be a father.

My wonderful fiance is the total opposite. He wants kids and is totally disappointed that we haven't gotten our BFP this month. I guess you have to go through a few bad ones before you get a keeper.

 

[kimberleyrobx]

whenever i want sex but my partner doesnt, i actually force him to the bedroom lol turns into a play fight and then we end up DTD! try buying some sexy underwear or a sexy outfit, try and turn him on make him get in the mood! x

 

[hopefuljm]

reading your post reminds me of my dh in many ways. We have tried off and on for many years. I try to keep in fun but he takes it very personally and stresses about it. We both want a baby very badly. We are very active but many times he is not in the mood when the time is important. Best of luck to you and your dh.

 

[mumwannab]

your situation definitely reminds me of my own!! spoke to hubby on several occasions about his unwillingness to have sex with me and he was always using work as an excuse. I know that he absolutely loves me but i was getting to a point where i started questioning my own attractiveness

over several conversations, it did finally come out that hubby was feeling quite insecure about himself and even felt like the reason why we're not having a baby after TTC for 3 months is his fault (we now know it's pcos related..). Things did improve slightly after we had that conversation..

Anyway, the biggest turn came about when we went to the chemist about a month ago to pick up my pregnancy vitamins. Hubby walked past the aisle with male vitamins and decided to pick up some male performance vitamins.. (he was so embarrassed about it he rushed me to the counter immediately and made me pay while he waited outside ) It's been about 2 weeks now and he can't get his hands off me! I'm sure it's all in his head but it sure works for him!

 

[dozydormouse]

Oh dear, sad to say I'm in a samey sort of situ babyonmymind1. My supposedly-dear husband has informed me tonight that he's really tired and he forgot it was a special time. I didn't push it this time, as it's so humiliating when I'm practically begging - I shouldn't have to!
He has a lower sex drive than me, always has done. Makes no difference if I : tell him I'm ovulating (or not) / stave off sex until ovulation (or just try for whenever I can get it) / Cry (or be calm) / act sexy (or sulk).
Thought he was getting better at working at this baby-making, he started giving it a go even when I could tell he wasn't fully keen. But even though I know he wants a baby too and he's pretty good at biology, he doesn't get that he's throwing away months of my life!

I think I'm just about to ovulate, he's going away tomorrow on a stag do til Sunday evening and he's rolled over and gone to sleep