Husband says he wants a baby but will not have sex when I am ovulating.

[Pelusita]

I'm in the very same situation. My husband has had a "low libido" (we'll call it that since I don't know the reason behind his lack of sex drive) from day one. We talked about it frankly before getting married and he advised he was afraid of getting me pregnant as my family is quite religious. He convinced me that things would change once we got married.

It hasn't improved at all since we have been married (two years). He wants a baby desperately and has actually teared up at times about not yet being a father. But he does.not.want.to.have.sex.with.me. He says it's not me, I'm attractive, etc. I just don't know what to do. I feel like we keep having the same conversation and nothing happens. Do I give him an ultimatum and just leave? Does "for better or worse" cover this? We have gone two or three months with nothing - a good month might be three times but that rarely happens.

I also want children badly and, as I'm 31, don't want to stay in a marriage that might not get fixed and thus ruin my chances of having a family with someone else. I just don't know what to do.

 

[atalanta85]

I know how you feel. It may not have been as long (only two cycles), but my OH has avoided sex during my ovulation times too. He goes on about the fact that I rarely initiate sex anymore (had chronic UTIs for 2 years and it shattered my confidence), that now when I do try to initiate, he realises I'm fertile and says no (great confidence builder *sigh*).

After i was in hysterics last week because he said no to kids while I was ovulating (which he believes i misheard), I finally got him to have a chat with me about it. Basically he doesn't want to know anything about my cycles. Apparently me telling him when I'm fertile, it sends off big warning lights in his head and turns him off.

So, his conclusion is that we just have regular sex and if it happens to fall on a fertile day, then it happens. He doesn't want to know anything about conception until I'm actually pregnant. Really thought he'd want to be more a part of the process, but he doesn't.

I'm still going to chart BBT and CM to try to sway things my way, but its going to be hard to do this 'sneakily' without feeling bad about it (even though I got his permission to). Fun times

 

[pixielmh]

To be honest i don't blame a guy for not wanting to know the ins and outs of our cycles its not a very big turn on it makes them ferl we after sex for 1 reasonly only and not because we love them and want to be intamate with them it seems to them more like a job than a luxury... i dnt tell hubby we just bed naturaly every other day..

 

[2have4kids]

I'm in the very same situation. My husband has had a "low libido" (we'll call it that since I don't know the reason behind his lack of sex drive) from day one. We talked about it frankly before getting married and he advised he was afraid of getting me pregnant as my family is quite religious. He convinced me that things would change once we got married.

It hasn't improved at all since we have been married (two years). He wants a baby desperately and has actually teared up at times about not yet being a father. But he does.not.want.to.have.sex.with.me. He says it's not me, I'm attractive, etc. I just don't know what to do. I feel like we keep having the same conversation and nothing happens. Do I give him an ultimatum and just leave? Does "for better or worse" cover this? We have gone two or three months with nothing - a good month might be three times but that rarely happens.

I also want children badly and, as I'm 31, don't want to stay in a marriage that might not get fixed and thus ruin my chances of having a family with someone else. I just don't know what to do.

Hi ladies, I'm so sorry you're all going through this. Pelusita, has he admitted that he has an aversion to sex? Is he open to counselling? Getting a third party to ask hard questions will open his ears to what this means to you. If you feel it's a deal breaker, a counselor can give him some guidance to work on this problem. It's SO different hearing feedback from a counselor vs wife. My OH and I went to counseling and she said that one party will always want sex more than the other. She got us to agree on a happy medium, a number in between both of our ideals. Then my job was to track it on a calendar. When we didn't hit the numbers it was up to both of us to initiate. If he said no it was up to him to ask me twice in the next week. It was all about accountability.

Also, if there are learned hang ups due to his family/religious life (before you) you are more likely to find out with a third party. You don't want to grow to be 50 and regret that you're best years were wasted with someone who didn't make you feel beautiful. It will change who you are as a person.

 

[Melanieanne77]

I havent read the whole thread, but do these OH who dont want sex take blood pressure tablets?

I was with a man for 2 years in a practically sex-less relationship because he just wasnt interested...the reason he wasnt interested was because he was on blood pressure tablets that stopped him from staying hard...it also meant that it killed any inkling of him being aroused...I googled it - showed him evidence of it but to no avail.

It was very difficult trying to address this as he didnt know what he was missing. Id try and explain to him that he was missing out on a fantastic sex life - but if you dont know, you dont care.

It was a major reason for us breaking up.

 

[Jules16]

God this is so my story too. Months ago i told husband that i was in the fertile period, and he replied that after i told him that it was the last thing he wanted to do to be told that he had to dtd. So now i don't bother, but during the time we just don't have enough sex to conceive, i would like to be at it like rabbits throughout the whole period, but he is tired, aching (from all his sports training), late off work (or i am) so we never do it. Sometimes he just turns over and falls asleep, and i have cried myself to sleep on occasions. Makes me feel unwanted and unattractive thinking he should be wanting to pounce on me too. I have tried on occasions too to instigate things and he (sorry TMI) looses his erection, so i just stop and he's asleep in a couple of minutes - just feel at times it is me that is putting all the effort into TTC, by buying OPK's, checking CM etc and think what is the point?
I'm hoping that by the middle of June it'll all change as he is training for a competition and he'll be able to relax more and dtd more without being too knackered.
It's been 11 months TTC and as the lady said above i feel a bit stupid going to the doctors as i'm sure when they look at the chart they'll say we just aren't having enough sex.
But i know he wants children as each time i get my AF he is so disapointed and asks when we'll get pregnant - if he asks this month (as only dtd 1 day in fertile period - the day before 0 - so quite sure AF will be visiting again) i'll be straight with him that we don't have enough sex and be very blunt with him about the fertile period and we just aren't hitting it!

If in June we give it a good go and nothing happens then i'll go back to the doctors and see whether there is something wrong with us - i'm panicking as i'm 37, husband is 32, so he just undertstand that if there is something wrong then we have a short period of time to get it sorted!

Onwards and upwards i suppose!

Congratulations on your success! I’m 35 dh 34 and we’ve been trying for a year and a half. Good to see there is still hope!

 

[OnErth&InHvn]

For months, dh stops right at O. He is good until O, then putters out. Last night he couldnt get it up and I lost it on him.

Dang it, I just want a baby and some cum.