I AM AN IDIOT. And Devastated. (WARNING: Explicit language...)

[wlovew]

So I had my donor sample in my instead cup in my left hand, preseed in the right. Positive OPKs all day (except FMU). EWCM, cervix is high, soft and WIDE OPEN, tonight was my night. I was getting ready to insert the softcup after inserting some preseed first..... and I DROP THE SOFTCUP, SPILLING MY SPERM ALL OVER MY BED. I am just beside myself with disgust, anger and disappointment with MYSELF. How could I be so DAMN STUPID and CARELESS!? DUMMY!! I tried to quickly scoop up what I could but the damage was done, my huge sample was dwindled down to literally just the goo left on the sides of the cup. I frantically got the softcup inserted anyway but I am fucking screwed this cycle, pardon my french. I am so fucking upset. I can't believe I just did that. I get way too damn tense and excited about this shit and I feel like I have to HURRY, HURRY, HURRY to keep the swimmers alive. I was sobbing hard for a good minute like someone had died. I was SO EXCITED that I may be getting to inseminate at the PERFECT TIME this cycle! FINALLY! And I knew for sure the softcups would be my savior and help me conceive!! I thought this was it for sure. I just can't believe I did this and I could literally punch myself in the face There is no chance in hell that what was salvaged was enough. I went from a HUGE amount to almost nothing. Next month my donor will be out of town for a couple of weeks and guess what, my predicted fertile window is right in the middle. I know I could look at this as a break from this emotionally distressful shit but I am just so upset.... I know you guys understand because you all want this too... I wish I could say I felt like there was a chance still but I just don't. I feel like I am going to throw up

 

[MillieJ16]

I'm not really sure what to say to make you feel any less angry or upset right now, and however frustrated you are, your time will come one day and all this crap will just be a distant memory I don't know how it works with a donor, but is there no way at all you could get another sample in the next 24 hours?

 

[wlovew]

Thank you.. I know there really isn't much to be said. I want to forget about this, I just feel like such an idiot. He is about a half hour away and I was lucky that I could get him to come to me this time. It was so late, there was no way I could get it again last night and my temperature went back up today so I am pretty sure I O'd yesterday. Although the OPK I took this morning was super positive, the line was much darker than the control line. Yesterday's test lines were only about as dark as the control line. I think my thermometer sucks. Either way, my donor won't be available for a few days and I'll be going out of town for the holiday. I just want to pretend yesterday never happened or that I had O'd the day before or something. Geez I am just a clumsy dipshit.

 

[CoralInGold]

Sending you lots of hugs hun

Try not to beat yourself up too much xxx

 

[lisap2008]

I know the feeling I have had the most trouble trying to inseminate with instead cups because they are so flimsy and for me its while trying to insert the cup that the sample tends to spill so very little of whats left in the cup ends up at my cervix ,after a few months of this I ended up ordering a syringe and just inseminating at the cervix and then inserting the instead cup after. I have had my share of insemination breakdowns as well.

 

[wlovew]

Thanks, girls. I am so depressed today I can't even get out of bed. I can't stop thinking about my EPIC FAIL. The tears just keep flowing and I just want to curl up in a ball and die. Putting it in with a syringe and then putting the softcup in may work better but then again, the softcup may just push it all back and around the cervix and just block it from getting inside instead, I feel... Putting it in was super complicated again, too (yes I had to attempt anyway with what I had...), my cervix wanted to BLOCK it from going all the way back. I had to really push hard to get it to go past my cervix so that my cervix would be IN the cup. then it felt like it was totally inside the cup, which WOULD HAVE been perfect HAD MY DAMN SPERM BEEN IN THE CUP TOO. I could still feel my OPEN cervix through the cup, too. FUCK. Sorry, TMI and foul language. Thank you girls for your understanding and not calling me out for being a vulgar brat.

 

[sunshine2014]

I'm so sorry this happened -- all I can say is that we all aim for O day, and even on the exact day, it sometimes doesn't happen. Even under the best chances and circumstances. Just consider this one of those times. There is nothing to say this would have ended in a positive. Right? So just keep your head up...it will happen!

 

[wlovew]

I'm so sorry this happened -- all I can say is that we all aim for O day, and even on the exact day, it sometimes doesn't happen. Even under the best chances and circumstances. Just consider this one of those times. There is nothing to say this would have ended in a positive. Right? So just keep your head up...it will happen!

Thanks, you're right. And that's what I am trying to do with this attempt - chalk it up as another attempt that did not happen because most of them won't :/ Managed to stop crying like a baby and get in the shower and get on with my life today. I need to wash my sheets, I have this HUGE reminder of this F-up that I need to get rid of NOW!! lol

 

[mytimewillcum]

Just wanted to pop in and send you a load of xx

 

[TTCabundle]

Sweetie. Im so sorry this happened, I totally understand your anger and frustration. Don't beat yourself up about it, it happened, it's crap, but it happened. Focus on getting yourself ready for the next time. You're only hurting yourself thinking about it, and you don't deserve to be hurting, it was an accident. And there's every possibility that even if you hadn't of done it, it may still not have happened, and there's also every possibility that soon, in the future, there will be another perfect time and it will happen. xx

 

[wlovew]

You guys are all so awesome!! Let's have a moment of silence for my HUGE loss... hahaha..haha.........ha.....waaaaaaah

 

[HorrorFan88]

Hey, sorry you ended up spilling it, but maybe that just means this month wasn't supposed to be your month? I'm sorry you couldn't get another donation from him in time Take next month to de-stress and start the new year with good thoughts! Keeping my fingers crossed for you that one little spermy made it!

 

[wlovew]

Thank you, so are mine!!!!!!!!

 

[CoralInGold]

I know this sometimes doesn't help, but it has helped me with every failed cycle, & you're also probably going to want to shout at me but I really do believe everything happens for a reason & it just wasn't supposed to happen this month.

Really rooting for you though

 

[wlovew]

I know this sometimes doesn't help, but it has helped me with every failed cycle, & you're also probably going to want to shout at me but I really do believe everything happens for a reason & it just wasn't supposed to happen this month.

Really rooting for you though

No desire to shout but I'll hug you *HUGS* Thanks, you're absolutely right. My childish rage has passed and I'm ready for next cycle! Live and learn, right? Next time I'm definitely using the softcup again but I'm TAKING MY SWEET TIME getting it in!

 

[CoralInGold]

You go girl

Throwing lots of baby dust your way

 

[lisap2008]

If you had any sperm left in the soft cup when you inserted it your still in for a chance this cycle. good luck.