I might punch SD15 in the throat.

[victoria1987]

I sympathise with you but also with your SD. As a bit of background when I was 14 my mum fell pregnant with my half sister, so it was in a very similar situation as your SD. I have to tell you, it was bloody hard. Being a teen is hard enough with all the hormones and change, but to also come from a broken home with a step-parent
makes it much worse.

When mum announced that she was pregnant with her live in BF I experienced so many emotions that I did not have the emotional maturity to cope with or express and I am sure that the result was me acting like a petulant child or probably at times a full out b****!

She may feel that she is going to be replaced, not be able to predict what changes she will experience in her day to day life. I am sure that she is jealous, confused, hurt and anxious as to what her life will be like when the new LO comes. I know that these are all the feelings that I had when my mum was expecting. I felt that I was going to be pushed aside for the cute new little baby. That my family wans't mine anymore.

I am not saying that you don't have the right to be angry, I suppose that I am biased as I was the teenage SD and i'm sure I acted out in much the same way. I suggest that you and your partner have a proper talk with her. A bit of counselling may do her good too (I know it would have been helpful for me at that time). The crux of this rambling (and possibly inappropriate post) is that she is still a child, and a hormonal teen at that, this is scary for her and she is uncertain about her future and her new place in the family. Cut her some slack and let her sort her head out, she will come around... I know that by the time my sister was born I loved her to bits!!

Sorry if I come off as harsh, it's just that I've been on the other side of this and it can be very painful.

 

[qe76]

even your own children when they become teenagers will act like that- i have a feeling though you will feel different when it's your own child acting up and step kids know this- they know you dont feel the same about them as you would if they were your own- they know it's just an effort cause you married their parent when you take them out and buy them things.. it takes years to work out a good relationship- I dont have the answers- Im not sure there is any- but I think it's good that you can come here and vent- that might be the best option for you at the moment. If you find the answer though on how to get a teen not to act like a teen- please share! My son is 19 and can drive me crazy- lol Hope you find some peace though-

 

[sethsmummy]

i have a feeling though you will feel different when it's your own child acting up and step kids know this- they know you dont feel the same about them as you would if they were your own- they know it's just an effort cause you married their parent when you take them out and buy them things.. -

That's utter crap! I can tell you that now. I don't have step kids now but when I did I loved them as though they were my own! I loved them just as much as I love my own children now. I'm pretty disgusted that someone could say that. Some of us have a real bond with partners children and don't make the effort because we have to...but because we want to!

Op I'm sorry she's being a cow. Part of it probably is just being a teen but no she shouldn't get away with it. Don't clean her room..shell soon get sick of the mess and do it herself. There are always consequences for our actions and in my honest opinion we wouldn't be very good role models and parents if we didn't teach our children this. I Would never dream of letting my boys think they can get away with whatever they want and that's even with my eldest having special needs. He understands being nAughty means there will be consequences ( we know when he is purely being naughty and not acting up because of his difficulties and we act appropriately).

You should definitely sit down as a family and discuss why she is being like she is and to define to her what her father expects of her behaviours wise

 

[RaspberryK]

I was also a teenage step daughter and my dad always was the United front with my step mum. Because that's what parents do, regardless of who's biologically related.
My dad would try to establish any problems and sort them, but honestly I'd have been in serious trouble behaving like that.
Xx

 

[RaspberryK]

Oh and my step mum has loved and supported me 1000 times more than my own mother so I disagree with qe76.
Xx

 

[bridgetboo62]

i think qe76 has a valid point and so do those of you in opposition of the statements she made

in some cases what qe76 mentioned is true and in some cases it is quite the opposite

however, regardless of the OPs relationship with her stepdaughter
the stepdaughter may get the impression or be feeling for whatever reason (even though the OP has made many kind gestures and efforts to connect) just as qe76 mentioned in her post

 

[Kantny09]

I also think qe76 is full of crap. You give step-parents a bad name. You obviously don't have step-children therefore have no reason to comment on how a step-parent may or may not feel about their partner's children. I have a step-son and I love him just as much as I will love my child. He lives with his mother and she is wonderful but my husband agrees that I have played just as bis a part in raising him as they have...I have been around since he was 2. Is this how you also feel about adoptive children qe76? That a couple who cannot have children and decide to adopt them cannot love them as much because they are not blood related? It does not matter if they are your biological children or not...there is no reason a teenager should act like this and there be no consequences.

 

[Kantny09]

And Bridgetboo - I would love to be able to fast forward this conversation 15 years and see how this is working out for you.

 

[bridgetboo62]

its how my parents raised me and all 5 of my siblings and all of us turned out just fine well adjusted human beings

its how a lot of the people i have nannied for raise their children and they are just wonderful

 

[qe76]

I have know many people with step kids who love them- they have also never said they wanted to punch them in the throat.. my remarks were not about all step parents- but way to many are exactly as I posted- and frankly the op comes across exactly as I posted- Im am not going to apologize for being offended and concerned she feels like its ok to say she wants to punch a child in the throat-
I tried to stay pretty understanding in my post , and in my way maybe try to see it from a step childs pov-

 

[LadyHutch]

Let me clarify some things here:

SS and SD have been living with dad and me for about a year.

We also have a 2.5 yr old son together.

SD demanded we have another baby. Fortunately for us, we had already decided to do so and had been trying.

We have tried every approach to parenting we can with her. Even the slightest discipline results in her lying to someone in an effort to get CPS called on us. So now, as a last resort, we just try our best to ignore her abuse. We had her in therapy for quite some time, but even the therapist (we tried 3 of them) all got fed up with her.

You have to understand...I love her. I love both my step kids. I do my level best by them. Dad works long hours and a lot of the time it is just me and the kids. I treat them as I do/would my own. I was a step kid, and was raised with step siblings. I was raised that there is little to no line there. You treat everyone as family. I do my very best to treat DH's kids like my own. I even took them 13.5 hours, by myself, for spring break, to go on vacation. I genuinely try.

The worst punishment she has received in our care was 5 days grounding (no phone, no going out with friends/having friends over) and assignment to write essays about courageous women of history (1 single page essay per night) for 10 nights. This was for getting caught smoking pot and lying. This cost us dearly, as the school counselor called us because she told them we were forcing her to work in a mine and it was affecting her hearing....this is what we deal with. Fortunately we had already developed a relationship with this counselor and she has lied so much and so outrageously, they have had to contact us many times.

DH actually does have my back. When she told a bunch of people a bunch of lies about me abusing her and telling her I'd never let her see her father again once she goes home, he made her apologize, and come clean to everyone she lied to. He supports me fully on the decisions I have to make when he isn't here. But we are both being held hostage by her. We only have to get thru 22 more days and she goes back to her mom and grandparents (with whom I have an excellent relationship). They are fully aware of what's going on and very supportive of everything we have tried to do to straighten her out.

Again - I actually do love these kids. And I was a step kid and really do try to be understanding. But she really puts us through hell. Its very difficult. And today, I just needed a vent, so I don't go off on her.

 

[messica]

LadyHutch - please don't feel the need to defend yourself. Most of us here get that what she's doing isn't typical teenage behavior and feel you have every right to be BEYOND miffed by it all.

There's no way I'd put up with another 22 days of that from any child, step, adopted, mine or otherwise so kudos to you for being willing to continue to endure.

I do hope you are able to sort something - anything - out with your husband so you can find some peace in the meantime.

 

[lovinglife28]

It sounds like you are doing quite well with patience for her as I'm not sure many others would not have keep their cool this long. It sounds like she needs therapy, and lots of it. From what you've described she has classic attention getting tendencies and pathological lying, just to start with. I really feel sorry for you having to go through this during an already stressful time. it's great that husband is great and presents as a united front.
As for the discipline issue- this is only MY personal opinion. I am utterly disgusted with younger generations lack of care and respect for literally everything and everyone. This of course is not everyone, but a large majority. In the early 90s it was now taboo to spank children or discipline as a parent saw fit for fear of CPS. Don't misunderstand, i'm not talking about abuse, like beating or anything like that. I have no tolerance for child abuse. However, I was at the wrong end of a spanking a time or two as a child and I can tell you I didn't do those bad things again. I learned from my actions. You can't treat a child like and adult and expect them to fully understand, they are not adults and they ARE children. How will they learn negative consequences if you don't show them? If they do something bad, yes take that dang ipod, iphone or anything else away!! Teach them to have respect, teach them to value things. It seems like too many people are concerned with having their kids like them and be a buddy than be a parent. While you can have a great relationship with your children i think a boundary needs to be establish as to who's in charge and what's expected of them and why.

 

[messica]

i have a feeling though you will feel different when it's your own child acting up and step kids know this- they know you dont feel the same about them as you would if they were your own- they know it's just an effort cause you married their parent when you take them out and buy them things..

Omg! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! This has got to be the dumbest most ridiculous thing I've read here to date LMAO!!!!!!!!

My mother had me at the age of 17. My biological father was a dick who never thought once about my existence so I was thrilled when she met and married my dad when I was 6. I know my dad loved me the same as my (I suppose they're half/step sisters but I only ever thought of and called them my) sisters because get this - HE DID!!!!!!!!

He bought me "things" I needed and wanted not because he *had* to but because he wanted to. That's what any loving parent does.

I would love for anyone to try to tell him to his face that he loved me less than his other "biological" daughters, that he only but forth the effort because he was FORCED to because of his marriage to my mom......as in seriously, please, let me know the time and date so I can be there to record his response to that complete and utter bullsh*t accusation because it would undoubtedly trend on the internet for YEARS to come

 

[qe76]

first of all if you are going to quote me quote the whole thing- I also said Its good she can come here and vent-
and I think it was a good thing for the op to explain further cause frankly I was disgusted that others were not more concerned about wanting to punch a child in the throat!! I have worked with abused children- not that i am saying this child is being abused- It sounds like the op has a lot on her plate-
but to laugh at me as if there is no parent step or otherwise who has ever lost it and went to far? I had a co worker lose a grand baby cause the step father lost it and shook the baby to death-
there are really good step parents out there- my husband is a wonderful step father to my son- but the op did say she was very hormonal- and she sounded really angry- My first post was to point out a possible pov of the sd-and to open up some dialog. I didnt say it was a fact that she was a bad step parent- My second post was a bit more angry- She could be the best step parent in the world but how does the step child see it? Things can't be fixed if no one ever figures out what the step child is feeling- She might not even know herself-


to the op- I am truly sorry everything has been so hard for you and your family- My son goes through these mood swings- and I haven't a clue what to do half the time- He is the sweetest person but when he is upset about something he holds it in - wont talk and if you try to say anything he can have a fresh mouth- I tell him I wont tolerate him talking to me like that- He has a really bad dead beat dad- my sons girlfriend of over three years just broke up with him and just days later got into a really bad car wreck- a truck drove over him- (large pick up truck) no one can understand how he didnt get decapitate- (he had a convertible) he bought it himself , he works construction. So when he curses at me- I dont just take it but its understood that Im still gonna be there for him tomorrow even if he is still in a foul mood- Im personally at a loss on how I can help him. There is no hand book on parenting- It's heart breaking to watch them hurt so much and at the same time you cant take there attitude and anger- So today I wrote an aunt of his from the fathers side and spoke my mind- I thought there was a chance my son might actually be mad I did but it seemed to make him feel better that I called that side of the family out for thinking sending a card a few times in 19 years was trying enough- I always did the dont bad mouth the father and all that and my son actually told me he was angry with me cause I gave him false hope all these years- ( his dad has turned into a big drug user and it's a mess-) I was 17 into 18 when we were together- and he didnt even smoke cigs then.. I had my son a month after my 19 b day.
anyway- what's the point in sharing all this- i guess to one put my own heart out there and open up to you and two to show you you are not alone in your struggles-
I hope you find some peace. And I hope you can understand why I was concerned int he first place.

 

[purplecupcake]

Poor child. She sounds depressed and like she has had some shitty life circumstances to be behaving this way. And for her step mother, a grown woman, to go on a public forum and talk shit about her? At least she is 15 and has a reason for being immature.

Wow. Just wow.

 

[messica]

nvm.

 

[lovinglife28]

Poor child. She sounds depressed and like she has had some shitty life circumstances to be behaving this way. And for her step mother, a grown woman, to go on a public forum and talk shit about her? At least she is 15 and has a reason for being immature.

Wow. Just wow.

I understand what you're saying but this forum is a place where we can all come to vent and discuss things without being judged by others (or it's supposed to be). While I agree with maybe a poor choice of words with the whole 'punch throat opener' I think it's unfair of anyone to judge her. No one knows what it's like to be in her shoes expect for her. For some people this is the only way they can vent and find support on sensitive matters especially when it comes to family issues. If you don't like what she has to say instead of passing judgement, and making someone who's already feeling bad even worse, just don't comment.

 

[messica]

Poor child. She sounds depressed and like she has had some shitty life circumstances to be behaving this way. And for her step mother, a grown woman, to go on a public forum and talk shit about her? At least she is 15 and has a reason for being immature.

Wow. Just wow.

Good grief.

Glad your life is so perfect you've never felt the need to vent about anyone in your life.......in an anonymous forum........to people you never have or will meet in real life.

What a horrific person OP is for doing such a horrific thing....talking about her feelings and such.....

 

[messica]

Poor child. She sounds depressed and like she has had some shitty life circumstances to be behaving this way. And for her step mother, a grown woman, to go on a public forum and talk shit about her? At least she is 15 and has a reason for being immature.

Wow. Just wow.

I understand what you're saying but this forum is a place where we can all come to vent and discuss things without being judged by others (or it's supposed to be). While I agree with maybe a poor choice of words with the whole 'punch throat opener' I think it's unfair of anyone to judge her. No one knows what it's like to be in her shoes expect for her. For some people this is the only way they can vent and find support on sensitive matters especially when it comes to family issues. If you don't like what she has to say instead of passing judgement, and making someone who's already feeling bad even worse, just don't comment.

I agree with you there anyway lovinglife, glad we could find common ground