I might punch SD15 in the throat.

[LadyHutch]

We've had her analyzed for mental illness. Three different therapists all came to the same conclusion: she is narcissistic with histrionic tendencies. They all agree she is not depressed.

For those who are critical of me, I don't mind it a bit. I don't take it personally. *shrug* I got a good backbone and decently thick skin. It's taken a year of her trying to torture us into giving her whatever she wants whenever she wants it and just plain being a mean girl for me to get to this point. If you had been here, as sensitive as you are to what I, a stranger, have said, she surely would have brought you to the brink in mere weeks.

I don't abuse my kids. Never have, never will. I don't even yell. I find effective ways of getting my point across without doing so. But I do lose my cool, and rather than lose it on them, I occasionally vent to strangers, who will never be in contact with my kids. Better that than freaking out on them or venting to a friend or family member who might get word around that could reach the kids and hurt them.

Poor choice of subject line? Maybe. I have a wiry sense of humor. Some people don't. It's all good, I'm not trying to please everyone or cater and be someone I'm not. I like me, I am a great parent, but yeah, sometimes I need to blow off some steam.

I'd encourage you to walk a mile in my shoes. This girl is Regina George from mean girls on steroids. And if it were a health issue or upbringing being hard or anything like that, maybe I'd have more sympathy. But it's none of those things. She enjoys hurting people. She loves attention. She gets off on lying and manipulating. If you were here, you'd see for yourself. But you aren't so you'll fill in the blanks on your own the way that makes you comfortable to judge.

I've refrained...really held my tongue on the worst stories. If only you knew.

 

[bridgetboo62]

i dont know what kind of medical insurance she has
well maybe you should consider a behavioral rehabilitation facility?

 

[Mafi419]

I would just like to add that not disciplining your child at all is, in my opinion, very bad parenting. I was thinking about sugar coating it but I just can't.

It's funny because when I was 16/17 until my 21/22 years old I strongly believed it was possible (not to discipline and use a reward system only). And then I became a primary teacher! Yeah fun! No really, I love being a primary teacher, but I've seen first hand the effects of not disciplining your children. Please do. Seriously. It's not only bad for teachers, colleagues and society in general, it's terrible for them as well.

I don't really get along with teenagers, I adore children but I usually avoid teenagers. No idea what I will do in 14 years lol but I hope you can work it out with your sd. And it's perfectly natural to say stupid things when we are annoyed. I totally get the urge of punching teenagers I see on the street, or that take the same bus I do (some teenagers, because of the way they act with everyone else). But I don't because I have self control, like most of us. Wanting to do something and doing something are two very different things. And btw, please do not compare shaking a little baby and spanking a teenager because there's no possible comparison.

 

[LadyHutch]

Re: behavioral care facility

It's been suggested and we are deliberating. We are still trying therapists as we (whether you believe it or not) love her and are concerned it'd do more harm than good. It's been discussed between all of us parents (thankfully we all have a good relationship) and counselors and therapists and doctor. It's an option we are investigating.

We are also considering military school.

 

[bridgetboo62]

thats true sending her away anywhere could possibly do more harm than good
and its a very hard decision to make
but before you do anything you should warn her that something desperately needs to be done or drastic measures will be taken (behavioral facility, military school) perhaps the shock factor will scare her and she will have a new found desire and motivation to work things out
like an intervention of sorts you and her father and her mom and whatever other adults are a part of it should all be there that way she knows it for reals and doesnt just feel like you are bluffing to try and scare her into being good

 

[messica]

thats true sending her away anywhere could possibly do more harm than good
and its a very hard decision to make
but before you do anything you should warn her that something desperately needs to be done or drastic measures will be taken (behavioral facility, military school) perhaps the shock factor will scare her and she will have a new found desire and motivation to work things out
like an intervention of sorts you and her father and her mom and whatever other adults are a part of it should all be there that way she knows it for reals and doesnt just feel like you are bluffing to try and scare her into being good

It's really weird to me how you keep advising this woman what she should do next.

They've already sought professional help. She was diagnosed with mental illness. You cannot simply stop mental illness with an intervention filled with ultimatums and you have no idea if with her diagnosis, clueing her in would exacerbate things in the meantime.


You can't scare a narcissist into caring or someone with a personality disorder into acting "normal." If it were only that easy I'm sure they'd have sorted that out by now lol

 

[LadyHutch]

She's aware that we are discussing options. We've been discussing options since she was 12. That is one of the major reasons she is living with us right now... Mom couldn't deal with her anymore. Grandparents got tired and needed a break, so she got sent to us to see if we could work it out. Obviously we couldn't either. She goes back to the grandparents split with mom in a few weeks. We got her thru a school year, and in some ways she has improved. Her grades went from failing to A's and B's. We've kept her from running away. We've kept her from sleeping with boys and dealt with her bullying other kids.

We improved her relations with her brothers and held her accountable at high and sometimes difficult cost to us. But she has a long way to go...a very long way, and the risk of her causing a problem with the younger kid(s) is getting too high. We've all agreed to let her go back and see what happens next.

Her opinion is we are all shitty people and sending her away would prove that. One day she wants to go, the next she doesn't. Either way, it doesn't at all work to motivate her. She manipulates it to work for her.

 

[messica]

Tough row to hoe anyway you go LadyHutch. Just ick.

Prayers to you and yours that you're able to get through it in a way that's best for all.

 

[bridgetboo62]

well one day she WILL grow out of thinking you all are shitty people
and as long as you keep trying to help her and are there for her she will understand one day that you were just trying to help in any way you could

this is hard for me share online to people i barely know so anyone who reads this please no negativity
i just hope that maybe it can be of help when people are trying to understand their unruly teenage girls
when i was 15 i was like i was running away and not going to school and doing drugs drinking and sleeping with guys. at the time i wouldnt let anyone tie me down and i was going to do what i wanted to do. i felt like i was old enough to make adult decisions for myself and do fun adult things. i also felt like i was good for nothing and all i would ever be good for was sex. and i felt so unwanted so unloved that i went out and had sex with guys because i thought it would be the only thing to make me feel less worthless. it wasnt until i was about 17 that i really found myself and what i wanted in life. im not proud of it to say the least and im lucky i came out of it in one piece.

 

[cncem]

She is making me insane. She is just awful.

When we lost the last pregnancy, she made it all about her.

This time, we asked empathetically that she not announce it to everyone I am pregnant, in case we lose another one. Of course, she has announced it to her mom, all her friends, and its all about her again - how hard it is for her, how excited she is, how worried she is, how my symptoms are affecting her.

She has grilled me on my previous pregnancies and has become informed that I get pregnancy rage/irritation, and is trying to annoy me to trigger me off.

She is lazy as shit, and refuses to help with ANYTHING unless it suits her.

I get stink-eye and attitude and mumbled snarkiness under her breath for asking for simple, sane things, like please do your homework...please put your laundry away rather than unfolding it, sleeping on it then throwing the clean clothes back in the dirty clothes hamper...please drink the rest of the bottle of water you opened 10 minutes ago rather than opening another one.

She lies. Constantly. Can't believe a word she says.

She throws all her candy/food/popcicle wrappers on the floor. My 3 year old picks up his stuff and puts it in the trash. She refuses, and then, with her trash right beside her or by her bed or where she was sitting last, swears it was the toddler who left it there...when it is OBVIOUSLY what she was eating 3 seconds before.

She complains about EVERYTHING. It never, ever stops. And if we don't meet her every demand, she throws a bigger fit than the toddler.

I swear, one more sideways glance and she will be the first to get the full force of my pregnancy rage.

Thank Christ Almighty she is leaving in 22 days. I don't know if I will hold out that long. She is just awful. Lord, give me patience before I unleash some awful truth on this horrible person.

What a hard situation to be in, I feel for you, I really do. Your step daughter sounds alot like my daughter. At least you get a break from her. I love my daughter to bits, and know she is just going through puberty now, and it'll get better. She does the same with her laundry, leaves clothes I just washed and dried and told her to hang up or fold, then piles on dirty laundry and gives me the whole thing wanting me to wash it all again. Does she have any privileges you could take away when she misbehaves? My hubby (her step father) bought her a tablet for Christmas, so when she doesn't do what I tell her as far as chores, or acts up in school (most recently she got suspended for kicking a boy in his privates because he accidentally kicked her when he was swinging on a desk, they both were up playing around when the teacher stepped out of class), we take it away. Depending on the severity of her misdeeds we'll keep it a day or a week or a month. Sometimes we ground her from going outside, or tv, or things like that. Is there something like that you could do? Do Not let her come between you and your husband. I hope she's not manipulative like that. Don't let her play you both against each other. It's important to keep open communication between DH and yourself. Good luck!!

 

[Ziggie]

Seriously she's 15. You think pregnancy hormones are bad, try remembering your teenage ones....

I work with kids and teenagers. They're hard, it goes with the territory. Their brains are physically wired different (this is biological fact). Coupled with the loss of her parents relationship (this is obviously a guess I don't know her history), plus maybe feeling insecure dad is having more kids... so on.

Being a teenager IS all about them. Its an egocentric time. That's not going to change.

Rant away, its hard I give you that... but the venom here upsets me a little!

Eta - fyi I work with extremely challenging teenagers. Most if not all have degrees of attachment disorder not mental illness. Coupled with teenage brain = extremely difficult. And poor attachment can happen in "nice" families. I'd be willing to bet you can trace her behavior back and I'm willing to bet with patience and support she will grow out of it. Or you could continue to dislike her and feed the cycle.

 

[LadyHutch]

Lets clear up a few more things:

1 - Hormone comparison - Comparing my hormones and her hormones is akin to comparing apples and oranges. She is not constantly nauseated, vomiting a few times a day, while starving. She is not exhausted, yet completely unable to sleep. She is not walking around with boobs that feel like they weigh 100 lbs and have been kicked by a donkey. Her hormones have been gradual and chronic...mine are acute and massive in light of the fact that I am pregnant. So please, stop comparing the two. They are not at all similar.

2 - Age - Yes, I get that she is young. But she believes she is old enough to order people around, sleep with boys, do drugs/drink, smoke cigarettes, take care of herself and run away, lie in horrific and massive ways. If she feels she is old enough to do those things, she should take some adult responsibility. Sorry, but true. And at 15-16, I did indeed have some issues. Unlike her, I did grow up in a very poor, very abusive and neglectful environment. She has grown up spoiled, well loved and attended to. However, I managed to not be a complete bitchface. I managed to be decent to people. Because of her age, however, I do take it easy on her. I try very hard to remember being a teenager. But some of the things she does should not and cannot be excused by "she's young".

3 - I do not hate my kids. I love them very much. But there are indeed days where I do not like them. I am sorry if this offends you. But if you never have days where your kid abuses the crap out of you and you plain do not like them that day, wow, you are a saint. Yep, I vented here. Much better than venting on her or to someone who might get back to her. It calmed me down, and kept me sane for a bit. I'd say that is decent parenting. Sorry I am not perfect, well, no, really I am not sorry...*shrug* - refer to previous posts...I really could care less if you judge me. You aren't here, you haven't dealt with her, and frankly, if you had, as sensitive as you all are, she'd break you in no time. I'm a pretty tough lady...I've been putting up with her crap for quite a while, even before she came to live with us. I am completely ok with venting to strangers about it. And I am pretty ok with the fact that some people think I am horrible for it. Those people do not know how much love and care I/we have indeed invested in this girl. If you think we have not tried our asses off to "love" her out of this, or to be understanding, you are sorely mistaken. We have taken every avenue offered us, we have spent tens of thousands on testing and doctors and therapists and spoiling her to try to appease her. We've read hundreds of parenting books. We are at our wits end.

4 - She doesn't have an attachment disorder. We've been down that road. She is attached to whoever she feels she can best manipulate and does her level best to play parents, siblings, and grandparents against one another to get whatever outcome she is seeking that day. She is very frustrated with the fact that we all like and respect one another, and communicate often, so her tactics do not work. It flat out pisses her off that we adults refuse to fight with one another.

5 - This has been going on with her for many, many years. Mom and dad estimate since she was about 3-4 years old. It has gotten much worse as she has reached teenage years. Again - refer to previous post, we have had some success with her here. But not enough to warrant her staying here, as she is causing problems for the younger kid(s). While we love her, we have an obligation to protect the other kids as well. And we have a right to protect ourselves. Besides, since we have managed to keep her out of major trouble for the past year, she wants to leave. Our "rules" are too strict for her, despite the fact that it has improved her grades drastically and kept her from getting into serious trouble.

 

[Ziggie]

Sorry, you're the one saying publicly you want to punch her in the throat...... Nice.

 

[LadyHutch]

Sorry, you're the one saying publicly you want to punch her in the throat...... Nice.

Yep, at that moment, she was at school. I was pretty angry. I did want to punch her.

I didn't though. I didn't and wouldn't. But sure as shit, I wanted to for a minute. And I vented. And calmed down.

I guess you have never just HAD IT with someone who is hellbent on treating you like garbage. You are so big a person, you have never been angry, yet controlled your anger. Kudos to you.

And I didn't say it "publically". I said it anonymously on a forum to strangers. I didn't announce it in the grocery store or a crowded theatre.

Sue me. *shrug* You obviously haven't read anything else in this thread about everything good I have done or nice that I do for this kid, who treats me like trash. If you want to hang on to a moment of anger and frustration so you can feel superior, go for it!

 

[purplecupcake]

Lets clear up a few more things:

1 - Hormone comparison - Comparing my hormones and her hormones is akin to comparing apples and oranges. She is not constantly nauseated, vomiting a few times a day, while starving. She is not exhausted, yet completely unable to sleep. She is not walking around with boobs that feel like they weigh 100 lbs and have been kicked by a donkey. Her hormones have been gradual and chronic...mine are acute and massive in light of the fact that I am pregnant. So please, stop comparing the two. They are not at all similar.

2 - Age - Yes, I get that she is young. But she believes she is old enough to order people around, sleep with boys, do drugs/drink, smoke cigarettes, take care of herself and run away, lie in horrific and massive ways. If she feels she is old enough to do those things, she should take some adult responsibility. Sorry, but true. And at 15-16, I did indeed have some issues. Unlike her, I did grow up in a very poor, very abusive and neglectful environment. She has grown up spoiled, well loved and attended to. However, I managed to not be a complete bitchface. I managed to be decent to people. Because of her age, however, I do take it easy on her. I try very hard to remember being a teenager. But some of the things she does should not and cannot be excused by "she's young".

3 - I do not hate my kids. I love them very much. But there are indeed days where I do not like them. I am sorry if this offends you. But if you never have days where your kid abuses the crap out of you and you plain do not like them that day, wow, you are a saint. Yep, I vented here. Much better than venting on her or to someone who might get back to her. It calmed me down, and kept me sane for a bit. I'd say that is decent parenting. Sorry I am not perfect, well, no, really I am not sorry...*shrug* - refer to previous posts...I really could care less if you judge me. You aren't here, you haven't dealt with her, and frankly, if you had, as sensitive as you all are, she'd break you in no time. I'm a pretty tough lady...I've been putting up with her crap for quite a while, even before she came to live with us. I am completely ok with venting to strangers about it. And I am pretty ok with the fact that some people think I am horrible for it. Those people do not know how much love and care I/we have indeed invested in this girl. If you think we have not tried our asses off to "love" her out of this, or to be understanding, you are sorely mistaken. We have taken every avenue offered us, we have spent tens of thousands on testing and doctors and therapists and spoiling her to try to appease her. We've read hundreds of parenting books. We are at our wits end.

4 - She doesn't have an attachment disorder. We've been down that road. She is attached to whoever she feels she can best manipulate and does her level best to play parents, siblings, and grandparents against one another to get whatever outcome she is seeking that day. She is very frustrated with the fact that we all like and respect one another, and communicate often, so her tactics do not work. It flat out pisses her off that we adults refuse to fight with one another.

5 - This has been going on with her for many, many years. Mom and dad estimate since she was about 3-4 years old. It has gotten much worse as she has reached teenage years. Again - refer to previous post, we have had some success with her here. But not enough to warrant her staying here, as she is causing problems for the younger kid(s). While we love her, we have an obligation to protect the other kids as well. And we have a right to protect ourselves. Besides, since we have managed to keep her out of major trouble for the past year, she wants to leave. Our "rules" are too strict for her, despite the fact that it has improved her grades drastically and kept her from getting into serious trouble.

1. Why does this have to be a competition with you? You seem too concerned with yourself to even entertain the idea that she might indeed have it worse than you right now.

2. Those are fairly normal teenage things... And she grew up spoiled you say - why are you shocked when she refuses to do chores or attempts to manipulate if she's been trained by adults to do that?

3. If this relationship is so bad that you feel the need to publicly trash talk a child, I think it's you that should be seeking help to get you emotions under control. You are the adult. I'd imagine you'd be pretty upset if you found that she was part of an online forum and was threatening to punch you and discussing all your private family issues.

4. You are not a mental health professional, therefore you are not qualified to make any of these statements about her intentions/motivations.

5. So her grades have gotten better? Has she been reinforced for that? Does she ever get told that she did something right, or does she just constantly have everything thrown in her face that you think she does wrong? Every kid does good and bad things, and if she's not ever being reinforced for her good behaviors, what is the point in her exhibiting them?

And sorry, but no freaking way to the bolded. Have you MET 3-4 year olds?! They are bratty, selfish little beings, every single one of them. That's how they are, it's normal. There is no possible way to make a diagnosis of a personality disorder at age 3. Just no. That is so beyond ridiculous.

 

[LadyHutch]

1. I am not competing. I am simply saying you are comparing apples and oranges.

2. Spoiled doesn't mean its ok to treat people like crap. I didn't raise her. So yeah, I'm shocked. And typical teenager things?? Maybe that is what is wrong with this world these days....saying this kind of stuff is fine and excusable. It isn't. Not even a little bit. Sorry, but if i pat her on the head for getting high and sleeping around and treating people like crap and say 'oooh, poor you, you are just a teenager, this is totally fine and acceptable. good job, keep it up!" then I would be a real shit parent. The fact that we DON'T allow it or find it acceptable is what actually makes us good parents.

3. I've found her saying much worse...When I was pregnant with my son, she posted on facebook that she hoped he would die or be born (a much worse term for disabled). I didn't react. You have no idea what you are talking about. Yeah, I'm an adult. But frankly, I have limits. And refer to my above about a "public forum" statement.

4. Nope, I'm not a mental health professional. But the thousands of dollars we have spent on the ones we have taken her to have educated me pretty well on all of this. You can take that up with them.

5. We reinforce her constantly. We reward good behavior all the time. She aced her algebra mid-term..we took her out to dinner and announced to the world how proud of her we are. That is a pretty regular thing.

Keep filling in the blanks however makes you feel good.

Edit: per your statement about three year olds - I have one. Thanks. From what I have gathered from her parents, she was not like other 3-4 year olds. At all. But you go ahead and keep figuring it the way you like.

 

[Mafi419]

Sleeping around and doing drugs at 15 isn't normal teenager behavior.

Ladyhutch, hope you can find the strength to deal with this. It must be incredibly difficult. People love to judge and say they would do different. And they love to believe a child/teen can't be bad or mentally ill. Not saying that she is (just trying to make a point), but do you people think that psychopaths begin being psychopaths when they reach 18?? please just stop judging others that only came here to get some support. And kudos for all the moms that know everything and don't feel the need to vent!!

 

[messica]

Seriously she's 15. You think pregnancy hormones are bad, try remembering your teenage ones....

I work with kids and teenagers. They're hard, it goes with the territory. Their brains are physically wired different (this is biological fact). Coupled with the loss of her parents relationship (this is obviously a guess I don't know her history), plus maybe feeling insecure dad is having more kids... so on.

Being a teenager IS all about them. Its an egocentric time. That's not going to change.

Rant away, its hard I give you that... but the venom here upsets me a little!

Eta - fyi I work with extremely challenging teenagers. Most if not all have degrees of attachment disorder not mental illness. Coupled with teenage brain = extremely difficult. And poor attachment can happen in "nice" families. I'd be willing to bet you can trace her behavior back and I'm willing to bet with patience and support she will grow out of it. Or you could continue to dislike her and feed the cycle.

Why are you talking about attachment? And why are you trying to diagnose/school this mom that her child has it over one post on the internet?? The girl WAS assessed by several professionals and has been diagnosed. *Not* with that, but with a couple of others that most relationships struggle to endure and often time end over.

Does the fact that you work with difficult teens mean you know more than the professionals that have assessed her about what's going on here and the severity of it all?

 

[kell]

Wow! What a lovely bunch of supportive people you've attracted to your thread Ladyhutch! I am disgusted by the abuse you have received from judgmental morons. Especially those who have no step children or teenage kids themselves!

This woman came on here to vent her frustrations expecting Im sure some support and advice but instead she gets judged and thrown to the lions. That is shocking. The title was clearly only meant that she felt like doing it but it is blindingly obvious that she never would actually do it.

Ladyhutch, I feel for you girl! I have teenagers and already two teenage sisters who can all be pretty disrespectful but no way would they act like that. I find it difficult to handle the attitude as it is but i can tell you now, if they treated me like that i would seriously lose my shit with them. Parenting is bloody hard at times and step parenting is even harder. Hats off to you for putting up with such a vile girl for this long because i would have sent her back to her mother months ago. People can judge me on that comment all they like, i really don't care. My house, my rules. You have to think of everyone in the household, not just one person. If she disrupted the household over and over she would have to go. Its unfair on everyone else.

As for op saying step children are treated different, Thats bull! I have two gorgeous step daughters and i treat them the same as my own children. Never have and never will treat them any different.

Also for the record, if my own children acted up like that i would deal with them the same way. There's no need for such vile behaviour.

I hope you resolve these issues soon hun. Good luck for the next 22 days! You are a saint for putting up with it this long.

 

[LadyHutch]

For those who believe we have not tried to love her through this (three sets of parents, who work well with and cooperate with each other - me and DH, mom and BF, grandparents, as well as a very large and supportive family and many professionals), you are absolutely batty. Sorry my patience has worn a bit thin. I'll be happy to give you a shot at fixing her since you know so much. While some of you may work with difficult teens, I encourage you to live with one for a long period of time. Its a different ballgame when they are in your home and you have other children to protect and care for, as well as yourself and your spouse.

You don't get that EVERYONE in this family is in agreement. We've all been dealing with this. The kids are weary at this point. The adults are plain worn out. She receives far more attention than any other kid in this household...even more than the toddler, who by right of his needs and age should get more. We have no option other than to attend to her constantly. She demands it, and the consequences we get for not giving her constant attention are severe and impact our marriage, the other kids and the other adults.

Good luck to you if you ever find yourself in this position. You are going to need it. Especially those who think this is typical and excusable behavior.