I really need encouragement from my TTC friends..DH dropped a bomb..

[Mama4]

DH and I have had this exact thing happen, or similar things, SEVERAL times. Let me just say, I'm sorry you had to feel what that feels like. In our situation, it was a lot to do with communication. We are both extremely "closed" people, and it makes for a big blow up every now and again. After nearly three years of this and wanting to try for another baby, we decided in April to begin seeing a marriage counselor. It was something that we were both very skeptical of, but at least on my end, it was the last straw - that, or we were over, period. When DH found out how serious I was and how much those huge blow ups were really bringing me down beyond repair, he agreed to go with me. I thought he would sit there like a rock and not speak, but it has turned out to be the VERY best thing we could have EVER EVER EVER done. I never thought I would be such an advocate for something like that, but really, I say give it a shot. We are a zillion times stronger because of it. Again, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. If there's anything you would like to chat about, please feel free to PM me!

Thanks so very much for sharing your experience with me! I would be willing to try anything to get him to just talk to me for the love of Pete! He and I are opposites in that I talk my bloomin head off and he barely ever grunts in response. Boy that gets exhausting - I try so hard to communicate with him honestly and calmly but I'd have a better go of it if I just talked to my wallpaper! Seriously. I suppose thats another thing that causes me to rip him a new one often enough that he's feeling fed up too. I just refuse to believe that he would really leave now...I am hoping he will spend some quality time with me this evening and at least offer me a bit of comfort for the hurt he caused that is still just pumping away in me. I really appreciate everyone on BNB taking a minute to offer a few words. Isnt it nutty how you and I have never even met and yet you've just offered me more intelligent conversation than my own DH is willing to give? Nuts! I will never understand men...THanks again for your reply...

 

[BumpyCake]

Ugh! I hate it when it gets that way. It sounds like a good conversation is in order. Tell him what you told us...that he hurt your feelings real bad last night. I kind of think that him reassuring you by saying he would never take his ring off again is his way of saying he's sorry but I know what you mean...you actually want him to show a little remorse.

Good luck hunni. We all lose our cool and even explode at our OHs, so even though you might want to strangle eachother from time to time, it doesn't mean it's over.

 

[Amos2009]

Oh Mama....so sorry to hear your man is being a turd. Do they not realize how huge of a deal it is to take off your wedding ring? My first husband not only took his off but then proceeded to squash it with a pair of pliers and bring it to me to tell me that was what he thought of our marriage!!! This was out of the blue!! The next day he thought he could just smooth things over, but to me, he had already sealed his fate. I think they are so immature sometimes that they do and say things without thinking them through. But he had also become distant- it got gotten to where we were more like roommates than husband/wife. One thing I can tell you from experience is to try to go to counseling. My ex refused to do that, and now he regrets it. Don't wait too long and let the distance grow even more, then it might become unrepairable. Boy- that was a long, rambling message wasn't it??
Anyway- to you.....

 

[Clo]

HUGS x x x

 

[hannah76]

hope you guys can talk it out or he'll write you a letter like mrs. n said...
glad you have your sis to talk to and of course all of us!

 

[MRSPNJ]

I agree with the idea that it seems as though he is overwhelmed. Unfortunately, everyone reacts to stress in the weirdest ways that we can never understand. I happen to believe most men internalize ALOT of their stress, and when it comes out it's often baffling! I pray and believe things get better for you both and you.

 

[LogansMama]

((((hugs))) Sorry - I don't have much more to offer other than I totally understand. WIthout getting into detail - my marriage has been through some very similar crap and it sucks. All I can tell u is that it CAN get better - but its rough after something like that. Good Luck.

 

[BizyBee]

Lots of hugs hun.

 

[SarahMelissa]

sending you lots and lots of i cant imagine someone that truely loves you and wants to be with you, saying that he wanted a divorce, even the fact that he is now saying he doesnt, to me, the fact that he said it in the first place means something is definatly going on with him.

It could be possible the TTC is really getting him worried/stressed out/pressured/etc. You should have a really good talk with him and work out exactly where you stand.

 

[Megg33k]

I think your DH might be an unfortunate mixture of me and my DH. LOL I don't mean that as badly as it sounds, btw... lemme explain!

I tend to go off the deep end and say things about not wanting to be married anymore and how terrible my life is and that's its all not worth it and whatnot. Usually, this just means that I'm having a really difficult time with something or several somethings and I need my OH to take notice, ASAP. I'm pretty sure that my DH felt like you do the first time I did this to him. Now, not so much. LOL He knows that I'll scream and cry and tell him that it's over, but he also knows that if he comes over and holds me, I'll probably just cry in his arms for a while and then it'll all be okay again.

The "won't talk about it" sounds more like my DH. He seems to think that talking about how he feels isn't acceptable. When he does talk, he gets emotional about things... but I think it's mostly because he bottles up so much for so long, that it is intense when he lets it out. I've been able to slowly work with him to remedy his unwillingness to talk about things. I've taken the time to tell him that I won't judge him for his feelings and everyone feels stress and tension and it's perfectly normal... I try to let him know that our arguing (well, me yelling and him apologizing) could probably be avoided if he would just tell what's wrong as it happens instead of bottling it up and saying something terrible to me that instigates one of my breakdowns. LOL

I don't know your ages or relationship history, but my husband was relatively new at relationships when we got together. I'm really his first "real" relationship for more than a couple of months... We've been together for 6 years now. I had a lot more experience with real relationships, and I understand the art of inter-species (cause men and women are practically different species of creatures... LOL) communication!

I should have said this earlier, but I am SO sorry!!! I would be crushed if I were in your position, I'm sure. It's even worse that I know I do the same thing that your DH did. If it helps at all, I never ever mean it... and I don't know why I insist on doing it. I tend to think of it like this: Threatening to leave = attention seeking... Leaving = Oh Shiiiiiii! LOL

Lots of to you! I hope it all works out and he's just stupid and insensitive like I am! I apologize on behalf of all of us OH's that do this from time to time!

 

[OskisMum]

Didn't want to read and run, just sending you thoughts of support. I can only imagine how devastated and confused you must be feeling.

Talk to him and sending you hugs hun xxxx

 

[spidey6]

Big hugs to you Mama :Hugs:

xx

 

[ineedaseed]

so sorry you are going through this. hope it all works out for you xx

 

[ryder]

 

[claire16]

Hi, really sorry to hear what you have been going through but it made me think about what i went through shortly before i got married. My then fiance out of the blue told me he didn't want to marry me and didn't love me anymore wanted other things, i was stunned it was completely out of the blue and i didn't know what to think, the wedding was booked 6 months till the big day, i had my dream dress.
I left to stay at my mums for a few days but the following day he phoned me from work in floods of tears telling me he couldn't leave me realised what he would be giving up everything we had together, he loved me and never ever wanted us to be apart. It turned out he was pretty stressed and very nervous about the wedding, we were both young only 23!
I can honestly say everything has been amazing since that day, over 2 years now but he too was distant and a bit cold with me before his announcement. He has never been the best at communicating and he said he didn't want to tell me his fears for fear of upsetting me. How ironic?
Anyway thought id let u know my story and it does sound that maybe he is a little overwhelmed about ttc and doesn't know how to deal with it. How long have you been trying?

Lots of love and hugs, i hope you sort it all out. xxx

 

[HollySSmith]

Hugs sweetie, I hope things get better for you. DH and I would fight like that, though it was always him that would threaten the leaving. This was earlier in our relationship (and I would be lying if I said he never acted like an arse) but what we figured out was that when we got upset we both needed a 'cool off' time. Go for a walk, have a bath, read a book for a while, something to get you out of the immediate situation. That way we don't say things we don't mean in the heat of the argument.
As for for DH threatening to leave, well we had a conversation about the vows he said when he married me. You're not married only when its all roses or convenient but that the strength of our marriage is how we get by when times are tough. It did us both a world of good. Either way like PP posters said marriage counselling would be a good idea.

I hope it works out for you!

 

[leeanne]

Oh honey, that must have been hell to hear that.

Perhaps he just feels pressured, I don't know. But I seriously think both of you need to sit down and talk because it will be a long, long time before you forget (if you ever do) what he said to you.

 

[Mama4]

Hi everyone! Thank you so very much to each one of you for sharing your own experiences and for sending me so much love! I really needed to hear from people who have been through the same thing..I cant say thanks enough.

I've been trying with all my heart to get the DH to talk to me more, or say anything that will make this ache stop...I played the "well then is it this thats bothering you" game and went through every single thing I can think of that might have pushed him to say the things he did. I hardly got any responses at all and each was barely an audible "nah"

This morning i was crying again because I have this awful "impending doom" hovering over my heart...I told him I am terrifed that he has cheated and now has someone else he "is feeling" instead of me. The only thing he said was "thats not it" with his back turned to me. (Its important to know that early in our relationship (during the first 2 years) he DID cheat on me many times with his ex girlfriend) Im not convinced really but I cant continue to try and push him to talk. It took splitting up and alot of soul searching on my part to ever take him back and try again with him - this all happened before we married. But now that he is suddenly so indifferent to me, I cant help but go right back to those times and compare similarities in his behaviour.

He is making it clear that he wants to pretend nothing happened and just move on now. I feel if I push him more to communicate that I will push him away BUT if we dont get this out in the open I dont know how in the world to get through it myself.

How can I do that when Im scared that underneath the surface he is planning to leave me and my love doesnt mean that much to him anymore?
Thanks again to everyone who has taken the time to read and share with me- it means alot!

 

[sh77]

He is behaving like a total tw*t. Are you sure you want to even be with this guy after everything he has put you through? I wondered too whether he was behving like this as maybe there was someone else involved. Don't give him the satisfaction of persisting in finding out what his issue is (I know this hard as you deserve to know why he is behaaving like this). But try to be cool and retreat from him and say nothing to him. Is it an option for you to ask him to leave for a few days so that you both have some distance. You haven't had enough time to process what has happened and maybe space will do you some good. Hope I have not offended you.

 

[Mama4]

SH77
Heavens NO! You have NOT offended me at all. You speak the truth really. I know that I should stop the sniveling and quit giving him the satisfaction of knowing this is eating me alive. Its just the way it works with some men. We cant just openly talk like mature adults, we have to act like 3 year olds and play games to manipulate one another. Its sad really, but so true with so many men. Normally in the past when he has acted like a total ass I ignore him and he gets over himself quickly- this time it feels so different because he looked right at me and said the things he did. If there is not another woman involved (and I hope and pray there is not) I suppose backing off from him might snap him out of it sooner or later. Its just the thought that there is the tiniest possiblity that he is cheating that makes my brain kick in to super overdrive obsessing over who and when and WHY?????? Its so hard to be near him and NOT think about it. Space might help a bit - I may try going to my sisters for a few days actually. Give him a chance to be without me at all and see if thats really what he wants. He may find that I come to my senses and realize I'd almost rather be alone than worry all the time that I have a husband that doesnt respect me enough to stay faithful ..Im just all jumbled up inside - Hell just a few days ago I was fired up at my impending ovulation and planning a very romantic weekend full of babymaking! Unbelievable to me really....how quickly things can change so drastically....