I'm done with one. Hubby isn't. (Lengthy!)

[kdmalk]

I think this is the reverse of most situations, as typically the wife wants more and hubby is opposed. So maybe someone else is in this "strange" situation?

I have wanted to be a mom since I was too young to be one. I imagined myself with 2 or 3 kids to chase around and love on one another. I was beside myself when hubby was finally ready to have kids and I obsessively tracked cycles from day 1. Fortunately, we seem to be very fertile and we got pregnant the first month trying. That ended in a MMC and then we got pregnant again after waiting one month and had an early loss. After a couple more months, we were pregnant again with our sweet boy.

Aside from lengthy morning sickness (up to 19 weeks), my pregnancy was a breeze. I didn't get overly huge, my blood pressure was fantastic, I had no trouble moving around and had minimal swelling. I generally felt GREAT both physically and emotionally. I didn't cry one single time the entire pregnancy (which is very like me. I was totally myself throughout all 9 months). But I found myself saying over and over to people that I had no desire to be pregnant ever again. And I truly meant it. I have yet to hear any response other than, "you will change your mind," but I know I won't. I am grateful to have experienced pregnancy and the joy of giving birth, because I know many women who would love to do those things cannot, but now I have done it and I don't want to do it again. Regardless of how truly easy my pregnancy was.

We always said 2 kids (and I wanted 3), so my husband and I began discussing adoption seriously while I was pregnant because I wanted to make sure he knew how serious I was about not carrying another myself. Plus, adoption has always been close to my heart because I have an adopted cousin that I am very close with. We just always thought we would have a few of our own and complete the family with an adopted child somewhere down the line. But when I became serious about not giving birth again myself, we began to talk savings for an adoption during my pregnancy. It's ridiculously expensive, so we knew we wanted to start saving early so the kids wouldn't be 5 or 7 years apart.

With our son being born in December and right next to Christmas, we want to make sure he still feels special and decided that we should take yearly vacations (hopefully abroad) as a way to both celebrate him and expand our horizons. We thought that would be something truly special for him since his birthday will always be overshadowed by Christmas (and kids who are traveling, etc wouldn't come to a birthday party that close to the holidays). So we thought this would be cool for the whole family. Plus, affordable and realistic with only one kid.

And somewhere along the line I realized that I didn't even want to save for adoption, no matter how important it had always been to me. I don't want to deal with years of "well he got this, so I should get one too" and "but you let him do xyz and you don't let me" and having to buy 2 or 3 of everything (braces, cars, college, etc). I want to live comfortably and let him try whatever new lesson he wants or take school trips my parents couldn't afford to let me go on. I don't want to overly spoil him, but I want the ABILITY to say yes when I want to and when it will be enriching for him. And we can't do that with 2 or 3 kids. And we certainly can't do much in the next few years if we are saving for a $10-20k adoption. And we are used to taking a vacation every year. I don't think he has realized yet that that will be permanently discontinued for yeaaaaars. Not to mention having to pay for so many extra plane seats and cruise tickets in the future..... It just makes me shudder.

I look down at my little man's face, and I am done. I know it. Even 5 weeks out, I know. But hubby just won't get on board because he thinks he will be too spoiled or mentally unstable for being alone. I have taken to sending dh little articles about the benefits of only having one, as a way to slowly wear him down, but I don't want him to feel unsatisfied in the future. But, at the same time, I know I will feel unhappy when we can't afford to do anything because we have multiple kids (and dh will too once he realizes). The whole family will suffer.

Has anyone ever been in such a dilemma? What did you do? Did you convince hubby to be done or did you sway and have more? And what has the family dynamic been like after? Is everyone satisfied with the decision eventually?

Also, Is anyone else complete with only one? Tell me about it. What are the pros and cons of being a family of 3?

 

[Dinah93]

Honestly I wouldn't make any definite and final decisions 5 weeks after giving birth, especially if you're breastfeeding. Even if you think you're thinking perfectly rationally your hormones will not be in the same place they will be in 6 months time. It may well be that you really don't want more than one child, but I wouldn't make any irreversible decisions now. I decided I didn't want another baby after my daughter, she was perfect, another baby would only take away from my time with her and I wanted to devote every minute to this perfect little person. I had a truly terrible pregnancy too and a dangerous birth, before having her I'd wanted 4 kids. Then we had an oops moment and a surprise pregnancy, and I was devastated. The first few months were really hard, because a newborn does command a lot of your time and attention. But now my son is coming towards two, and the two of them are amazing together, she gets so much from having her little brother to play with (and boss around!). We have been to Italy twice, Morocco, France, Ireland twice, Scotland and Greece since she was born as well as a few weekends/weeks away closer to home, but without a doubt the best trip was the second trip to Italy, where I had them both there, and I got to watch them play together, I get a lot of joy from seeing them interact and I know that our son was meant to be, God knew what was best for our family much better than I did! I really hope that doesn't sound patronising, but I was in a very, very different place mentally in the 3-6 months after both births than I was straight after having them.

 

[kdmalk]

Right now we are calling our savings the "Disney" fund, but there is always the potential for me to change my mind. And I guess at that point it might turn into the adoption fund again. Lol.

No irreversible decisions will get made, for sure. We will always leave the door open, even if we are 100% sure we are done.

Thank you for your response! It has given me some things to think about.

 

[wookie130]

I'm with Dinah here on this one. As a new mom, having a perfect baby boy who is only 6 weeks old...yeah. You'd be better off sitting on any final decisions here. It is quite possible that when he's 2, 3, 4, or beyond, you very well may want to give him a sibling. There is NOTHING wrong with wanting an only child, and there is nothing wrong with being an only child. But as someone who is so new to this experience of motherhood, I would definitely not take the sibling thing off the table...because you never know, particularly if you're young, and can afford to wait a few years.

You will never regret the children you DO end up having, even if it is just the one child. This is simply one of those wait-and-see-what-the-future-holds type of thing, I think.

 

[Quartz]

Give yourself time, even the easiest of pregnancies is a huge mental and physical strain and ordeal and both the never want children again and the instant I have more are normal responses.

Both myself and my mother had the same response. i changed my mind she didnt. I am neither mentally unstable orspoilt!

 

[Larkspur]

I don't have anything especially useful to add but I'm intrigued by your resistance to being pregnant again, even though you had a pretty easy pregnancy. It seems like that's what has driven your change of heart about more children, but I'm not clear why you're so against doing it again.

Maybe you're not quite clear on why you don't feel like doing it again either, but I think it could be worth exploring. It's an unusual change of heart.

 

[JessyG]

My OH and I butt heads about this alot. I only ever wanted one. He wanted two, I figured meh what's one more eh! Well! After a pretty easy pregnancy (except the start when I bled alot) an emergency c section and a baby/toddler who hates sleep, I said no more no way no chance.

Now that she is two I would love another, the only thing stopping me is that we physically cannot afford two in nursery but also cant afford for me to stay at home. Its a horrible situation to be in. I think my daughter would love a baby and whole I hate the thought of being pregnant again, I would.

I also hate the idea of not having the money for clubs/holidays etc but you make do I suppose.

 

[kdmalk]

I don't have anything especially useful to add but I'm intrigued by your resistance to being pregnant again, even though you had a pretty easy pregnancy. It seems like that's what has driven your change of heart about more children, but I'm not clear why you're so against doing it again.

Maybe you're not quite clear on why you don't feel like doing it again either, but I think it could be worth exploring. It's an unusual change of heart.

I typed and backspaced 1000 times on this one. You are so right that pregnancy is what has stopped me about more biological children, but I just don't know that I have the words to explain my feelings on it. Frankly, anything I have typed has made me sound horrible... like I didn't love him while I was pregnant with him... So I just keep back spacing so I don't sound like a monster. Because obviously I am madly in love with this little guy and I would never take back my pregnancy or having him. Ever.

I guess being pregnant made me feel very... restricted... and I just didn't enjoy that part of it. Enjoying those "firsts" of pregnancy outweighed the restricted feeling the first time because it was something I have always wanted to do (not that I had any idea I wouldn't love being pregnant. I always thought I would!). I guess I feel like now that I have had the experience of feeling those little kicks, and finding out the gender, and having my new baby placed on my chest... I've done it. I've had a baby. And it was great to do that. But now that I have done it, I think I would feel trapped (for lack of a better word) for 9+ months if I did it again voluntarily.

I still sound like a monster. Sigh. I sure hope you guys aren't completely judging me right now.

 

[wookie130]

Well, I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I am definitely NOT judging you. Pregnancy and motherhood is a deeply personal experience, and it doesn't make you a monster if your experience has compelled you to want to stop at one child. It sounds like you're a great mother, whether you have 1 kid, or 5, so really, that's what should matter to YOU, not what other women think about your wanting one child. This goes to show you on some level where we're at as a culture/society, when women actually still feel judged for not wanting to fulfill some unspoken expectation that a mother should have at least two or more children. It's all good, whatever your reasons are. We are definitely our own people, and no one should judge your life decisions.

I would still hold off, and try hard to not think of having any more at this time...because I do know that your opinion very well may change down the road. And maybe it won't. But keep all of the necessary body parts conducive to conception (including his) and pregnancy up and running, just in case you feel differently one day.

 

[morri]

I only want one, it is an old wives tale that single kids are spoilt.

 

[kdmalk]

Well, I can't speak for everyone, obviously, but I am definitely NOT judging you. Pregnancy and motherhood is a deeply personal experience, and it doesn't make you a monster if your experience has compelled you to want to stop at one child. It sounds like you're a great mother, whether you have 1 kid, or 5, so really, that's what should matter to YOU, not what other women think about your wanting one child. This goes to show you on some level where we're at as a culture/society, when women actually still feel judged for not wanting to fulfill some unspoken expectation that a mother should have at least two or more children. It's all good, whatever your reasons are. We are definitely our own people, and no one should judge your life decisions.

I would still hold off, and try hard to not think of having any more at this time...because I do know that your opinion very well may change down the road. And maybe it won't. But keep all of the necessary body parts conducive to conception (including his) and pregnancy up and running, just in case you feel differently one day.

I sound less like a monster than I would have if I had just typed all my original feelings about pregnancy. Lol. I would just never want to offend someone who couldn't get pregnant or had a difficult time becoming pregnant. I don't want to be insensitive by saying that I was annoyed that I had to quit crossfit for a year when some people would give up anything for a baby. But, you are right about saying that it is sad that we are there as a society that I would worry about feeling judged for not liking pregnancy and only wanting one child.

We would never make any life-altering decisions at this point. I have never even taken birth control and didn't ask for it at my postpartum appointment. We have just always been VERY careful. All doors will still be open if I change my mind. Probably more open than your average couple since I don't take birth control. I could change my mind at any moment. Lol. When we decided to ttc the first time (I tracked my cycles for a year or more on an app so I could get a better idea of how long they were, etc.), I literally walked into the living room and said to DH, "This app says I'm ovulating." And he was like, "okay." ...and then I was pregnant. Lol. Granted, we had been discussing the possibility of ttc since the previous month, but definitely hadn't made a decision. But yeah, the option will always be there if I change my mind. We seem to be awkwardly fertile. lol.

Thanks for your reply! And for not judging me!

 

[Quartz]

Was the advice for things to stop in pregnancy quite restrictive. I ask because if you were doing it before and had a low risk pregnancy there is no reason to stop exercising routines. I was cycling until it became difficult to get on the bike at 32 weeks

A lot of things like what to eat if you read it are not as restrictive (eggs for example now you have lion stamps are ok)

I stopped doing very little during pregnancy.And the second time is different you dont have time to think about it - life goes on with childcare, work etc you dont really notice.

It also sounds strange but I wonder if getting pregnant first time has left it mark - it sounds ok but the same thing happened to me and whilst I was thrilled I did feel a little robbed of the ttc experiemce

 

[kdmalk]

Was the advice for things to stop in pregnancy quite restrictive. I ask because if you were doing it before and had a low risk pregnancy there is no reason to stop exercising routines. I was cycling until it became difficult to get on the bike at 32 weeks

A lot of things like what to eat if you read it are not as restrictive (eggs for example now you have lion stamps are ok)

I stopped doing very little during pregnancy.And the second time is different you dont have time to think about it - life goes on with childcare, work etc you dont really notice.

It also sounds strange but I wonder if getting pregnant first time has left it mark - it sounds ok but the same thing happened to me and whilst I was thrilled I did feel a little robbed of the ttc experiemce

After our first two pregnancies resulted in losses, I was really too afraid to exercise. Especially early on, I was terrified I would do something and lose the baby, so I just walked during pregnancy because of that. So I do think part of the reason I don't want to be pregnant again is fear or anxiety, but I also just genuinely didn't enjoy pregnancy. Perhaps it was partly because of fear though. But it is interesting that you point out that things are different the second time because life goes on. So I won't have time to worry! If I ever do wind up pregnant again, at least there is that! Haha

 

[Zephram]

I found your post quite interesting as I felt much the same after having my first. I didn't enjoy pregnancy and had no desire to be pregnant again and my new baby took up so much space in my world (let's be honest, took over my world) that I couldn't imagine wanting more.

I genuinely thought I never wanted to be pregnant again and I didn't even -couldn't even - think that having another might be nice. But then he turned one and I started to feel a bit like myself again and I gradually began to feel that more might be nice.

So we started trying when he was around 19 months and I fell pregnant again when he turned 2. Fast forward to now and I have a 3 year old and a 7 month old and I honestly can't remember life with just one. They love each other and they'll always have each other.

I hated being pregnant less the second time around and some of the time I actually forgot I was pregnant. Mostly because you have to get on with things already having one and it feels less strange since you've already done it once.

Just saying you may feel that way now but you may not always, whether it's biological kids or adoption, once your world has settled down to a new norm you may feel differently. But if you don't, that's ok too.

 

[MelliPaige]

I know it can sound a little condescending but I felt the same way when I had Leo. He was a very easy pregnancy and the easiest of babies and I really felt like he was enough.. Then he started getting close to two and being independent and I felt like I had some of myself back. I realized that although he was enough for me, I wasn't done. I felt like there was someone missing and really wanted leo to have a buddy. He's got one on the way! You may not change your mind like I did, but I wouldn't say definitely no more right now!

 

[kdmalk]

Thank you for your responses! It is nice to hear from some other women that just didn't enjoy being pregnant either! Interesting that both of you changed your mind later. Maybe I will one day also!

 

[MelliPaige]

Thank you for your responses! It is nice to hear from some other women that just didn't enjoy being pregnant either! Interesting that both of you changed your mind later. Maybe I will one day also!

Took almost two years even with my angel baby.
Also I fixed all the typos in my post I didn't realise there were so many but it should be easier to read now.

 

[oceania]

My wee boy is 10 months old. I have felt done ever since he was born, I just feel like my family is complete. BUT I also know I can change my mind in the future. I just know that having two small children at the same time is NOT for me. If you want some online resources for families with one child I can give you some tips if you PM me x

Some thoughts:
- I truly believe one should only have a second child if you want to raise another human being. Possible sibling bond is a bonus. There are lots of siblings that either don't get along at all or at best are neutral. Your child will have plenty of opportunities to make friends. If I want to talk to someone I call my girlfriends/husband, not my brother.
- It is a huge taboo for anyone to say they regret having a child. The truth is the fact that you love the child doesn't mean the decision was necessarily the correct one. Hey, I have days when I question whether becoming a mother was the right decision and it does not diminish the amount of love I have for my son one bit. We would all be having 10+ kids if you never regretted having one.
- Personally I am an introvert who needs a lot of downtime, and I cannot imagine coping with the noise and chaos of two children. So considering your own personality type is useful too.
- Some people believe that financially you'll just wing it somehow but I don't, I am so happy I only have to buy stuff for one child, pay for hobbies and holidays etc. I like to go somewhere warm every winter, would be harder with more kids.

I never thought of anything when I was TTC my son -- I "knew" it would be hard, there could be health problems, it would change my relationship with my partner, less money etc but nevertheless I wanted him 100%. I have yet to experience that feeling again. So unless that burning desire for another child comes regardless of all the sacrifices and hard work it would require, I am not doing it. My husband also would prefer more, but I feel it would break me and honestly, I'll rather be a single mother to one than two if he decided to end things over that. It's too big of a thing for me to compromise on.

And yes, there are plenty of happy only children. I wish I was an only child. My brother is very selfish and I have experienced a lot of pain in my life due to his existence, and also due to my parents favoritism.

Oh and you are only a few weeks into the game, enjoy your bub you have plenty of time to think about it. I actually can't even remember being pregnant/giving birth too well anymore haha, definitely fades away. I just don't want to deal with the needs of two kids at the same time.
-

 

[jessmke]

When hubby and I got together it was extremely important to him that we have a family. I was sort of on the fence about children, I didn't desperately want kids but I also wasn't dead set against it, I felt like I could be happy either way. After a few years we decided we would have only one child. Hubby is a bit older (42) so although he would like two kids, he was ok with only one because of his age. I absolutely hated being pregnant. I normally live an extremely active lifestyle, but I had bad morning sickness the entire way through my pregnancy which made it nearly impossible to exercise. Like you, I felt restricted or trapped when I was pregnant. I used to tell hubby that I felt like I was sitting around waiting for my life to start again. I could not wait for my pregnancy to be over. I felt guilty because I felt like my anxiousness for my due date was more because it meant I wouldn't be pregnant anymore, and not because it meant I would finally get to meet my baby. A few weeks after the baby was born my hubby mentioned booking his vasectomy, and I find myself hesitating. I don't feel a strong desire for another baby, but I also don't feel confident that I am done with just one. Part of the reason we wanted a small family is because we travel a lot and want to be financially able to continue travelling, and like you we want to have the financial freedom to provide whatever we want for our child. When I think about our lifestyle the rational part of me knows that one child fits in better with our plans for our future, but then I find myself looking out my kitchen window and imagining our daughter playing in the yard with a sibling. Hubby isn't going to get a vasectomy until we are sure we are done. If we do have another hubby wants it to be soonish because he doesn't want to be an 'old dad', so we will have to make a decision within the next year. i honestly never thought I would consider having another one!

 

[supertabby]

I'm not saying "you'll change your mind" because not only is it not possible for me to say if that will or will not happen, it's also very condensing! But I will say it's quite early days to 100% rule it out, before having kids I wanted 2 or 3, but after my first was born I was absolutely certain she would be an only child. My husband wanted another but I was done. After 2 years I changed my mind and now we have 2 kids. You may well never change your mind, this may be the absolute right decision for you but as I say it's early days, your hormones will be everywhere right now.

In our situation as I was very sick when my daughter was born which was 50% of my reservation (the other 50% mostly not wanting the whole sleepless nights, stress etc again). Because my husband and I didn't agree on having more children or not, we decided to put the whole conversation to one side for a few months - it was neither a yes or a no - and I also agreed to see a specialist to discuss what happened when my daughter was born and the future risks/medical care etc of any future pregnancies. Once we had that information from the doctor we then shelved everything and came back to it later. Rather than you and your OH trying to convince each other right now, why don't you agree to shelve any conversation on it for 6 months - if you still don't agree, shelve it for 6 months. And see how you go.

As for only children - I'm an only child and never felt I was missing out on siblings, nor was I spoilt. There's nothing wrong with only having one. The only time I've ever thought having a sibling would be good is in terms of when my parents are old and need care/support.