I'm done with one. Hubby isn't. (Lengthy!)

[x_Rainbow_x]

You sound very similar to what I did when I had my daughter. Her pregnancy was too easy. I had no problems at all. Sickness was manageable and heartburn controllable. I'd spent years trying to have a baby and I found it far to easy, then I had her, looked at her and told my OH no more. I loved her so much I couldn't imagine ever sharing my love with another. I felt like that for a year, then I noticed she was lonely. Kids she played with always had siblings to play with and she always looked lonely no matter what. I knew what it was like to grow up alone even tho I have sisters, they left home when I was small.
I now have a little boy as well with the perfect age gap. they may fight like cat and dog, but they cannot be without each other.

My daughter is also a December baby, and I can assure you they feel more special for it without you having to make a lot of effort. My daughter loves that she gets 2 special days so close together.

Give t a while and a chance for the hormones to settle and those feelings of wanting another will come back.

X

 

[Bella1185]

Late to this thread - but OP you're not alone - you are only 5 weeks out, so as others said, you probanly shouldn't make any definite choices now- but I hear you!!

DD is 29 months and since she was born I just knew this was it and I was done! I adore her and LOVED LOVED being pregnant (not a walk in the park of course but felt overall well and happy and healthy nearly the whole time) but I just Can't. Do. The. Newborn/Infant. Thing. Again. Many other reasons too, miscarriages aplenty and...If I'm totally honest, I'm terrified of having an unhealthy baby. Feel like I was so lucky this time, when will it run out? (stupid I know)

It's driven quite a wedge between DH and me. He wants another so bad he mentions it all the time, everyday. He said DH "needs" a sibling etc etc... Hes a great dad, too! I can't fault him in much of anything! But he literally brings it up so much that there was awhile I banned him from talking about it.... People look at me like I'm such an asshole when I say I'm done, but I just know I am.

Dunno why in sharing this...I'm sure it sounds awful.... Didn't mean to high jack post.....but you're not alone.....

 

[jessmke]

If I'm totally honest, I'm terrified of having an unhealthy baby. Feel like I was so lucky this time, when will it run out? (stupid I know).

My hubby is worried about this too, he says he doesn't know if he could cope if we had a special needs child. He is a great dad and I know he would step up to the plate if it happened, but it is a real worry of his. I keep telling him that the odds of having a healthy child are much greater of the odds of having a child with special needs, but he just can't shake the worry.

 

[smurff]

My first pregnancy was a breeze, ended in a 51 hour labour and forceps but before I was even taken to recovery I was asking my husband when are we gonna try for another!. Fast forward a few months and I was certain I didn't want another, I was more than happy with my daughter and I wanted all my time and focus to go on her, husband really wanted another though. I was terrified that my dd would feel pushed out if I had another plus I kept thinking what if something goes wrong in pregnancy, I'll leave my child without a mum. In the end we decided to leave it up to fate. We wouldn't actively try but we wasn't taking precautions either. First time we had sex without protection I fell pregnant!!!! I was honestly terrified and cried for days out of panic but I now have a cheeky little boy aswell as our little princess and I'm so happy we had another, they absolutely love each other to bits and my daughter really relies on her little brother. Only the other day I walked in frontroom and found them cuddled up holding hands watching a disney film. I do though know 1 million per cent that I never want another, my family is definitely complete. My husband feels the same and has had the snip to prove it!

 

[smurff]

And one more thing my daughter is Autistic so in other words a special needs child. It's not a reason not to have another one incase you end up with a special needs child. I'm privileged to have my daughter Autistic or not. No matter if your child is born with special needs or not they are still your child. they can be the most loving and caring children just like my daughter. And I feel very lucky that I'm the one she calls mummy.

 

[kdmalk]

Late to this thread - but OP you're not alone - you are only 5 weeks out, so as others said, you probanly shouldn't make any definite choices now- but I hear you!!

DD is 29 months and since she was born I just knew this was it and I was done! I adore her and LOVED LOVED being pregnant (not a walk in the park of course but felt overall well and happy and healthy nearly the whole time) but I just Can't. Do. The. Newborn/Infant. Thing. Again. Many other reasons too, miscarriages aplenty and...If I'm totally honest, I'm terrified of having an unhealthy baby. Feel like I was so lucky this time, when will it run out? (stupid I know)

It's driven quite a wedge between DH and me. He wants another so bad he mentions it all the time, everyday. He said DH "needs" a sibling etc etc... Hes a great dad, too! I can't fault him in much of anything! But he literally brings it up so much that there was awhile I banned him from talking about it.... People look at me like I'm such an asshole when I say I'm done, but I just know I am.

Dunno why in sharing this...I'm sure it sounds awful.... Didn't mean to high jack post.....but you're not alone.....

I think you just described me in a nutshell. I worry about a lot of things that other people don't think twice about. I don't have an anxiety issue... these things are just always in the back of my mind. I love statistics so I'm the "oh, 1 in a thousand, you say? Well it happens to SOMEONE then, doesn't it? Who is to say that someone isn't me?!" person.

Update on the original post- we are now just over 3 months out. Still feeling quite certain about not having another one myself, but would still possibly consider adoption if hubby refuses to be content with just one in the future (though I still hope he is content with just one and it seems more and more like he will be). I do still really feel complete with just my little guy, but I am trying not to focus so much on that since most of you said you didn't get the "itch" again for 1-2 years. So I'll revisit my feelings then. Instead of getting rid of his baby clothes as he outgrows them, we did decide to pack them in a box so they could be taken out in a few years if we do adopt. It would definitely be another boy, so hopefully we could reuse at least some stuff. But that is neither here nor there. Lol.

I am still SO SO enjoying being a mommy. I love watching my sweet boy grow every day. I am cherishing each moment since this is potentially the only time we will have these experiences!

Thanks again for all the responses and dialogue. I love getting all these opinions, so keep em coming! I'm always open to hearing thoughts. I know a couple people mentioned feeling like they were saying something condescending, but don't worry! I'm not taking it that way at all! I asked for opinions and I genuinely want to hear them! Nothing offends me!

Cheers!

 

[MelliPaige]

I wanted another boy too! I didn't want to have another baby without being absolutely sure I was ok with a girl but I'm so excited we got another boy. We can reuse all my babies cute things and he'll have more in common with his brother and can share their room. I know they might not get along as well as I'm hoping, I only have 1 sister and were total opposites and didn't get along at all, but I still wanted my son to have a brother.

 

[MelliPaige]

I also like that your being realistic about it, realizing the itch make cone zone day and not getting rid of the baby stuff until you're absolutely sure. Too many people I know think they're done and get rid of it all only to have to buy it back in a year or so wishing they'd kept it (sometimes planned sometimes surprises)
My husband says he's absolutely done this time so we may start thinnging out the baby stuff, but I don't want to give/sell all my baby stuff until this baby is at least three to be good and sure we're really done

 

[Nolagyrl1913]

I was feeling the same way as the op but I have to say, now that my daughter is 2 I find myself with baby fever. I would love for her to have a playmate but my worries are different than most so please don't think I am strange for saying what I am about to say....
I love my daughter so much, she is my everything. I am afraid if I have another baby I couldn't love it as much as I love her, that she would be my 'favorite'. Again, i know it sounds silly but that is my biggest fear. I want to make sure I love them the same.

 

[JessyG]

I dont think that's daft at all. In fact I think most mums will have had that thought at some point. As far as I understand it its not the case and in a sense your heart grows to love them both/all equally. That being said we had a fiend and her 6 month old other today and for the first while my DD loved it was all cuddly and lovely, then she started huffing and getting quite upset that 'her mummy' was holding another baby. My OH told her to stop being silly but it broke my heart a little. I, for some reason cant imagine having to ask her to share me.

It doesn't help that we simply cant afford another.

Sorry I rambled, my poin, I dont think you reasoning is silly at all BUT from what o hear that feeling will go as soon as your second baby arrives!

 

[krissie328]

I didn't feel ready for another one until DS was 18 months old. So I would definitely give it some time.

But I can really relate. I know I am done at 2. DH really wants 3. I hope he is true to his word and won't pester me after the birth of our second.

 

[kdmalk]

Update: knowing the journey to adoption is a long one, dh and I started the discussion at dinner the other night. He wants the boys to be 18-(at most) 24 months apart, so we would have to get started soon. We know we want to adopt an infant.

As we were having this discussion, I felt comfortable and decided that I'll call a local agency I am connected with through work just to ask about time and money, etc. so we know what we are getting into. But the more I think about it, the more I just dread the whole situation.

1) we are hoping to move in a few years to a city where the cost of childcare would be completely prohibitive of having another child. This move is something we both want and have been discussing for a long time (I even recently interviewed for a job there and we were going to just pack up and move) and I know we will be kissing it goodbye until one kid is at least in kindergarten if we move forward with adopting. I really don't want to do that.
2) I truly have a heart for adoption and my adopted cousin is one of my very closest relationships (which is why I want to offer my child the same opportunity to share such a bond), but I cringe when I think of trying to chase 2 kids around. I feel like it takes a rockstar to have more than one child and I just can't imagine how exhausting it must be at the end of the day with two small children. Though I know this part will get better over time, my house is already a wreck with one kid that doesn't even walk yet. How on earth will I manage TWO?!
3) this has been touched on before, but I love my son so intensely that it makes me sad to think that he will have to share me. He will still be small and suddenly my attention will be on this baby that came from nowhere. We will have time to discuss a baby with him, but we could be with a mom from early pregnancy or (like was the case with my cousin), the agency could just call one day and say, "we've got a baby that would be a good match. Do you want him? ...yes? Great! Come pick him up!" and then my son comes home from daycare and this "baby" we have been talking about is just there. Lol. I don't want him to feel ignored or unloved because my attention is suddenly diverted.
4) and then my mind goes back to travel and fun again. We can take him anywhere and do so many things (we can take a friend along when he is older, if he wants) if we aren't paying for the day-to-day expenses of two. What fantastic experiences he could have! Why rob him of that to avoid the POSSIBILITY of "only-child syndrome"?
5) and then the dynamics of one adopted and one bio child. Will it make any difference to them? It obviously won't to us, but I worry about those teenage years where kids can be so cruel to each other. "You weren't enough for mom and dad" and "your parents didn't even want you!" It's different, I think, with more than 2 kids, but we would definitely only have one of each. How does that work out?
6) and then I think about how he might be lonely and how adorable it would be to watch him with a sibling. Watching them play outside or build towers together. And argue. And love one another.

It gives me anxiety thinking about it because I can't afford to just take my sweet time making up my mind with adoption being such a drawn-out process. Obviously this is a conversation dh and I will continue to have, but I'd love some thoughts/input from others about my concerns in the meantime. It gives me things to think about.

Thanks for all the responses so far!!! You guys have been great!

 

[MelliPaige]

Update: knowing the journey to adoption is a long one, dh and I started the discussion at dinner the other night. He wants the boys to be 18-(at most) 24 months apart, so we would have to get started soon. We know we want to adopt an infant.

As we were having this discussion, I felt comfortable and decided that I'll call a local agency I am connected with through work just to ask about time and money, etc. so we know what we are getting into. But the more I think about it, the more I just dread the whole situation.

1) we are hoping to move in a few years to a city where the cost of childcare would be completely prohibitive of having another child. This move is something we both want and have been discussing for a long time (I even recently interviewed for a job there and we were going to just pack up and move) and I know we will be kissing it goodbye until one kid is at least in kindergarten if we move forward with adopting. I really don't want to do that.
2) I truly have a heart for adoption and my adopted cousin is one of my very closest relationships (which is why I want to offer my child the same opportunity to share such a bond), but I cringe when I think of trying to chase 2 kids around. I feel like it takes a rockstar to have more than one child and I just can't imagine how exhausting it must be at the end of the day with two small children. Though I know this part will get better over time, my house is already a wreck with one kid that doesn't even walk yet. How on earth will I manage TWO?!
3) this has been touched on before, but I love my son so intensely that it makes me sad to think that he will have to share me. He will still be small and suddenly my attention will be on this baby that came from nowhere. We will have time to discuss a baby with him, but we could be with a mom from early pregnancy or (like was the case with my cousin), the agency could just call one day and say, "we've got a baby that would be a good match. Do you want him? ...yes? Great! Come pick him up!" and then my son comes home from daycare and this "baby" we have been talking about is just there. Lol. I don't want him to feel ignored or unloved because my attention is suddenly diverted.
4) and then my mind goes back to travel and fun again. We can take him anywhere and do so many things (we can take a friend along when he is older, if he wants) if we aren't paying for the day-to-day expenses of two. What fantastic experiences he could have! Why rob him of that to avoid the POSSIBILITY of "only-child syndrome"?
5) and then the dynamics of one adopted and one bio child. Will it make any difference to them? It obviously won't to us, but I worry about those teenage years where kids can be so cruel to each other. "You weren't enough for mom and dad" and "your parents didn't even want you!" It's different, I think, with more than 2 kids, but we would definitely only have one of each. How does that work out?
6) and then I think about how he might be lonely and how adorable it would be to watch him with a sibling. Watching them play outside or build towers together. And argue. And love one another.

It gives me anxiety thinking about it because I can't afford to just take my sweet time making up my mind with adoption being such a drawn-out process. Obviously this is a conversation dh and I will continue to have, but I'd love some thoughts/input from others about my concerns in the meantime. It gives me things to think about.

Thanks for all the responses so far!!! You guys have been great!

1. Childcare is expensive, but there are alternatives. Would an in home nanny be cheaper? Maybe there's a program through your work or through the community that can make this less expensive.
This was a topic for me, too, I really wanted to go back to work in a couple of years..but now I think I'm gonna wait until my oldest is in school. My youngest will be about 2-3 at that time and I will only have to pay for one in childcare.

2. I'm also terrified of this! I may not be any help here haha I have a few people that have promised top help, but ultimately nobody does, as proven with my first. My husband is off on the weekend and can help them and I've arranged for my oldest to go with his aunt a day a week or every other week for a few months so it will just be me and baby then and he will get 1on1 with them (he adores them) I plan on cleaning up some then but honestly I'm not gonna kill myself over it, especially the first month.

3. My son turned 2 in February and I've been talking about this baby on the way since October and he had no idea what's going on. He says "baby in mommy's tummy" when he thinks of it but when the baby gets here I feel like it's gonna be an all of a sudden thing for him, too. They are just too little to see that far into the future..I really thought when it got closer to the baby being here he would be older and it would click but it's just not, and he isn't interested on the topic at all, not even feeling baby kicks.

4. I wrestled with this, too. I never got to go on trips when I was younger because we couldn't afford it and I really want different for my son. We are stillstool gonna try and make it work, I hope I can give this experience to both my boys!

5. Kids are awful. If it's not that it'll be something else. My sister is biological and she picked on me for everything from my weight to staying my period first haha (im the oldest) I don't know about the adoption dynamic but they are gonna be jerks to each other either way.

6. This is what pushed us into baby #2. I could list 100 reasons not to have another baby but ultimately I wanted to give my son a sibling, and I feel so lucky that he's getting a brother. It's something my heart was just drawn to and me and DH kept coming back to so I knew it was something we would regret not doing. I'm very happy with the decision we made now that I know he's coming but even when I first found out it took a few weeks to get used to it because I just can't imagine loving anyone like I love Leo, but now that I know he's a boy and he has a name and he's almost here I'm so bonded and in love with this little guy and our future with the 4 of us together.

 

[LoveCakes]

Interesting thread...

I agree that there's nothing wrong with being one and done though it's hard when a couple feel differently no matter how many kids it's about

I just wanted to add to the pregnancy bit since you don't hear it often, I don't particularly enjoy being pregnant either. We were ltttc for no 1 and needed fertility treatment both times so I am so happy and grateful to be pregnant because it means I get a baby but if I could skip that bit and get handed one the only thing I'd miss is the kicks. I do think the second time was better, I've had 'good' pregnancies but don't miss the nights out and rock climbing etc.. Since I don't really get time to do that anyway now. You're not alone in finding pregnancy itself not something to enjoy in its own right

 

[kdmalk]

Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol

 

[wookie130]

Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol

I just think this is all a bunch of stuff that you shouldn't feel the need to have to explain to anyone. It's an individual decision - no justification or explanation necessary!

 

[mum22ttc#3]

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

Yes. I always wanted four, 4 girls to be precise. I had my first daughter and from then on knew I only wanted the one. 4.5 years later I fell pregnant by surprise (I was on the pill at the time and took it religiously) I didn't really bond for the whole 9 months but as soon as she was born I new I wanted to go back to my original plan.
I now have the 4 daughters I always wanted plus my 7 week old son and wouldn't change a thing.

If I could skip to 8 months and guarantee that I would have another boy (don't want DS to be an only boy with 5 sisters) than I would definitely have another, but as I can't guarantee then I know I am done. I've also always found pregnancy a breeze compared to others but selfishly really don't enjoy it

 

[jessmke]

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

I have done this exact same thing, only opposite! I always only ever wanted one child, OH and I had decided that we would be one and done! Shortly after Isla was born I started thinking of our future and always seeing two kids, playing on the tire swing together, building forts in the forest, pushing each other on the zip line, etc. So we have decided to have one more! My biggest concern is that I always envision our second child as another little girl, and I am really worried that I am going to have gender disappointment if it turns out to be a boy!

 

[MelliPaige]

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

I have done this exact same thing, only opposite! I always only ever wanted one child, OH and I had decided that we would be one and done! Shortly after Isla was born I started thinking of our future and always seeing two kids, playing on the tire swing together, building forts in the forest, pushing each other on the zip line, etc. So we have decided to have one more! My biggest concern is that I always envision our second child as another little girl, and I am really worried that I am going to have gender disappointment if it turns out to be a boy!

I was the same as you, if I had a girl second I would have had major gender disappointment..I'm so glad I got brothers..they wool have so much more in common! I've only ever seen myself add a boy momma

 

[MelliPaige]

Latest update: never called the agency. I really do just think I am done.

Could I change my mind in a few years? Sure. But I just continue to go back to not being able to SEE myself with more than one child. Did anyone else with more than one child have this issue early on?

When I think to the future or imagine our family a few years down the road, I just don't ever envision other children. I mean, I CAN see other kids, but it is always in the capacity of thinking how difficult it would be or how I don't want to be chasing two kids. My imagination gets the best of me and it is always negative thoughts when I think about more than one. Good lord, I sound like I need to see a counselor. I swear I am mentally stable. Lol

Now that my second is here I can't imagine my life without both my boys (of course, he's a real whole person and not just thought in my head)
But it has been difficult.

When me and my dh decided for our second we had a whole pro and con list and I knew I was gonna be worn thin but we decided to do it anyway. I love this little soul but I am always so exhausted and not as patient with my toddler. I'm sad for him because he will never be my one and only again and I can tell he misses me. I'm no longer his bedtime every night, daddy has to do it most nights. He wants to drink all his brothers milk and can no longer nurse whenever he wants and that makes him sad..I try to cuddle him every time he asks but sometimes I really just can't. I'm so touched out and worn thin I just can't..sometimes I try for him but he can tell my attitude is different and he doesn't want me very long..but at the same time he adores his brother. They already have a good bond and it's been 3 weeks. It's also bringing him closer to his daddy, which they both are loving.

I'm glad I had my second (like I said of course I am, he's a real person and he's here in our lives) but it has been very difficult. I wouldn't take him back for anything, I don't want to seem like I would Because I'm very thankful to have this little guy in our lives...but it's definitely something you should be 100% ready for.

On the other hand, I have handled this labor/delivery/recovery so much better than with my first and I thought I did good then. My labor was 5.5 hours where it was 16 with #1, I pushed for 4 minutes and with my first I pushed for an hour.
I got home and the baby fit right into our schedule. I'm doing twice the work because I have twice the kids when hubby is away but he's a very contented baby..hubby helps a lot, too, when he is home. I really feel like Brice has been here the whole time he fit in so nicely. Another thing I love is that he looks like me, everyone says #1 looks like his daddy and they aren't exactly twins but I see the resemblance haha but everyone says Brice looks like me and I love it. I'm enjoying him more than I did with my first, too. I didn't even realise how anxious I was with my first, but now I can definitely tell and I have more confidence in my parenting and handling my newborn this time. The baby is perfect most of the time, not overly demanding but he still has needs..a lot different than my very demanding first. I didn't even realise how demanding he was until I had my easy going contented second baby.

I'm not trying to sway you either way..I've just commented before and wanted to give you my experience so far.