In-laws staying post birth

[Mimithemom]

I live in the Bay Area, and my mother lives in Los Angeles. I would like for her to come and stay with us for 2 weeks after the birth, and perhaps a few days before the due date. The issue is that I have in-laws that live 55 miles away in a neighboring city in the Bay Area, and feel like they will be insulted if they aren't invited to stay too. Honestly, since they live in the area I don't see why they should come and stay, I'm thinking a weekend after my mom leaves they can stay. My husband feels guilty because he knows that they will be insulted. My mother-in-law is a well intentioned woman, who I find overbearing to deal with. Her boundaries are very different than mine. With my own mother, I can be cranky as hell, have melt downs and not deal with judgements. I am also concerned that my mil will stay with my fil, and it will be awkward getting the hang of breastfeeding around him. I don't want to feel like I should have to close doors, be guarded while I'm still getting the hang of it all. Any advise on how other new parents have handled similar situations?

 

[sethsmummy]

i wouldnt worry about how they feel hun tbh.. the most important people those first weeks are you and your baby. I woudlnt have mil and fil staying after the birth either but i also wouldnt have my mum

your shouldnt feel like you need to hide away to feed either so fil staying just wouldnt be practical for you. Id just explain that to your oh hun. Surely he wouldnt want your dad around while your trying to get the hang of something so intimate.

maybe they could stay a few days once your mum has gone home and your more comfortable in your bfing (and able to use a shawl or something so you wouldnt have to leave the room but he still wouldnt see anything).

 

[Kess]

I wouldn't have my ILs to stay, and I get on great with my MIL. New baby bonding time is sacred and must be protected. Getting BFing up and running is easier with skin-to-skin, and without visitors you can do that in front of the tv or something, not have to retire to a private room. And anyone undermining you or pushing boundaries when you're in the hormonal cocktail that is the early post-partum days is a no-no. Your mom staying is totally different, she's YOUR mom, and she's from a great enough distance that she cannot just pop over for a couple of hours like your ILs can. Put your foot down, politely but firmly.

 

[Rickles]

My MIL came to stay for a week when baby was 6 weeks old... it was too soon and OH and I have agreed this time we will wait at least 3 months. (She lives overseas). It was too much having to get my boobs out (and look after her!) She was no help whatsoever and I found it overwhelming. After she left I went to stay with my Mum for a week as OH had to go away - it was TOTALLY different. My Mum cooked for me every day, cuddled the baby when I slept, gave me confidence as a Mum and basically put me back together after the stress of MIL.

It is very, very different to have your own Mum in your house to a MIL - I would hope that although initially put out, she would see that.

I have 4 brothers and my mum always made sure their MILs were first in to see the baby (and check their daughter's were ok). She also keeps a respectful distance and doesn't give an opinion unless asked... Sometimes it drives me nuts cos she doesn't hold back with me - but I can see she is trying to respect the boundaries of their families and ours. xx

 

[BunnyN]

I talked to my OH about it and he explained to his parents that we were not going to have them stay with us around the time of the birth. To start with they tried to say that I didn't need to feel awkward and could do my own thing with them there so I got him to explain some details about PP bleeding, breastfeeding and getting up in the night etc and that I didn't want to have to worry about making myself decent at 3am so I could go to the loo. Then they kind of got it, lol. They ended up staying close by and spent quite a bit of time in our house during the day which worked out quite well. I get on well with my inlaws but do find there is a difference in boundaries etc. Like that was a good balance and my MIL did help a lot in practical ways but we got space for us too. In the end you just have to decide what is right for you.