in limbo, dunno how to deal

[aviolet]

so I passed my baby today. I can't really talk about it, because the details sound too crude and terrible. I can't even write to myself about it (i've started to keep a handwritten journal but it has not been helpful).

i don't know how to feel. crying feels too difficult and i don't even know why I would (i mean, i know why, but... i don't feel like I need to), but not crying feels unnatural. i'm angry at myself because i didn't give her a proper burial. i regret how i reacted when i realized it was the sack i'd passed. i wish my head had been more clear so i didn't just let her fall away... i wish I'd held her for a moment and really thought about it...

I know her spirit lives on around me, and Shocker gave me some very sweet words about her being tucked safe in my heart and I'm trying to focus on that... but... I just don't know how to feel an emotion right now - if i could cry at least it would be a release... just don't wanna be in limbo... i don't feel right just letting a day like this happen without doing something to balance the sadness... but i know there's nothing i can do to make up for what happened - and i know it doesn't matter what happens to her earthly body because her soul lives on, but it still hurts not to have that closure. hurts too much to think about. and how can I grieve if i don't let myself think about it?

 

[Tulip]

Sweetheart, please don't blame yourself. I know what you mean about closure and not having held her. You can't help the way you reacted.... we are all so lost at the moment and not thinking straight - you did what you felt was best at the time.

Shocker is right about her spirit being the most important part, but you can't help wishing that her body had been cherished too. Sadly this pain is something that we need to accept and lock away in our heart, to only think about when we are stronger. I'm trying to do the same, but it's hard because you just want your baby with you.

Maybe now isn't the time for you to grieve. Perhaps in a few days or weeks when your body is recovered, then you will allow yourself to think. Sometimes I feel that numbness is better to get through the physical pain. Only then can the emotional recovery really begin. Think about it - how can your mind heal if your body is still bleeding? It's a constant reminder of your loss.

Don't feel that you *should* be crying sweetie - you'll cry when you need to. And when your body is stronger I truly believe that you will be able to cope with the grief better.

Thinking of you today. Rest in peace, little one xx

 

[debgreasby]

I didn't cry as Charlie passed. I felt numb, and kind of relieved that that part of it was over if you know what i mean.

I feel guilty that i am not crying all the time, i feel like i am not paying him the full respect he deserves. But then when i do cry i feel guilty because everyone knows i am upset and feels like they have to comfort me.

I'm sure it will get easier as the days pass. Don't put so much pressure on yourself.


xxx

 

[Lol78]

I wish I knew what to say. But please try not to feel angry with yourself. You did what you needed to do at the time to get through an incredibly difficult moment.
I entirely agree that your babies spirit lives on in your heart.
I wish you strength to get through this very difficult time. You will cry if and when you are ready.

 

[BeanieBaby]

I'm so sorry you're going through this hun, I had no idea you hadn't passed the baby, for some reason I thought you'd had a complete miscarraige back in the end of Nov? I don't really know what to say, you're probably still in a little bit of shock if it was unexpected. Please don't worry about not crying you have been on this journey of grief for a while now as I have been following your WTT journal, so just give your emotions time. Like Tulip said its v. hard whilst you're still bleeding and feeling so raw physically, its bound to have an affect on your mental state. Were you with someone? Have you got a friend or family member with you today for support?

Just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you.

xxx

 

[aviolet]

Thank you everyone You all are so helpful and kind.

Maybe now isn't the time for you to grieve. Perhaps in a few days or weeks when your body is recovered, then you will allow yourself to think. Sometimes I feel that numbness is better to get through the physical pain. Only then can the emotional recovery really begin. Think about it - how can your mind heal if your body is still bleeding? It's a constant reminder of your loss.

Don't feel that you *should* be crying sweetie - you'll cry when you need to. And when your body is stronger I truly believe that you will be able to cope with the grief better.

thank you, that makes a lot of sense.

I'm so sorry you're going through this hun, I had no idea you hadn't passed the baby, for some reason I thought you'd had a complete miscarraige back in the end of Nov? I don't really know what to say, you're probably still in a little bit of shock if it was unexpected. Please don't worry about not crying you have been on this journey of grief for a while now as I have been following your WTT journal, so just give your emotions time. Like Tulip said its v. hard whilst you're still bleeding and feeling so raw physically, its bound to have an affect on your mental state. Were you with someone? Have you got a friend or family member with you today for support?

Just wanted to let you know i'm thinking of you.

xxx

I thought I did have a complete one.... really expected I had already passed her when I had all the initial blood clots and bleeding and vomited and extreme labor pains. How I didn't is beyond me. But today after continual pain which should have been gone after 3 days of my period it was just getting more intense and then I had some more clotting, some tissue, and then I found her.
I hadn't gone to a doctor after it all happened the first time and just hoped to God that I was done with it. So... a month later and it's like it's happening all over again.

I'm trying not to be hard on myself... but it's hard to accept. I do know what my body expels now, it's all just a cleaning process, and I do try to keep in my mind that what I found was no longer her, and her spirit lives on. It's just so hard when you want something physically here to honor and respect and then when you get it... to let it fall away like I did... I just wish I'd been able to think more clearly at the time. I hope some day I can get passed that so I stop regretting.

It sucks because I am basically alone in it all... I so badly wish I had an OH I could lean on and have that bond/that understanding with. Meanwhile my family still doesn't know about it, it's Christmas time so all my friends are away with their families so I can't go to them, and this is one thing that can't be talked about over a phone call But I did have one amazing friend who was in the area last night for work and he got my email in time so he came over after, it was only for a couple hours and I couldn't bring myself to talk about it so we played video games I guess I needed the smiles, but after he left I felt wrong again that I hadn't talked about it or cried about it. So I'm just trying to accept that in time the grief will come. It's good to know that it's normal to feel numb