so I passed my baby today. I can't really talk about it, because the details sound too crude and terrible. I can't even write to myself about it (i've started to keep a handwritten journal but it has not been helpful). i don't know how to feel. crying feels too difficult and i don't even know why I would (i mean, i know why, but... i don't feel like I need to), but not crying feels unnatural. i'm angry at myself because i didn't give her a proper burial. i regret how i reacted when i realized it was the sack i'd passed. i wish my head had been more clear so i didn't just let her fall away... i wish I'd held her for a moment and really thought about it... I know her spirit lives on around me, and Shocker gave me some very sweet words about her being tucked safe in my heart and I'm trying to focus on that... but... I just don't know how to feel an emotion right now - if i could cry at least it would be a release... just don't wanna be in limbo... i don't feel right just letting a day like this happen without doing something to balance the sadness... but i know there's nothing i can do to make up for what happened - and i know it doesn't matter what happens to her earthly body because her soul lives on, but it still hurts not to have that closure. hurts too much to think about. and how can I grieve if i don't let myself think about it?