Introducing myself - I'm terrified :(

[LacePrincess]

Hi everyone,

Long time lurker but my first post on bnb. Hello all!

Brief history about myself - I do have three living sons, born 2004, 2006 and 2009. We decided to try for another in 2011, and well we've been in IF hell ever since. My husband and I are both 36 this year.

I had a chemical in Feb 2012, and then nothing for a long time. We have done one failed IVF round with no transfers at the end of it all. We switched clinics, and my new RE put me on Femara. We got a bfp on Femara after two rounds, yay, but sadly that ended up with an early loss in Aug this year at 6w4d. I wasn't being tracked too closely so all I know is my first beta and prog levels were great (17dpo bhcg 230, prog 121nmol).

After my Aug m/c my RE refused to run a full RPL panel (grrr) but he did test me for thyroid, CBC, and toxo (we had a new kitten in July). Everything turned out normal. I also had another saline sono in Sep which showed normal uterus, open right tube, indeterminate left tube.

So, after 3 more rounds of Femara, I got a BFP about a week and a half ago. I am now 5w3d and ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED. My early bloods were 16dpo (bhcg 430, prog 127+ nmol) and 20dpo (bhg 3089, prog 121nmol) I have an early scan and more bloodwork tomorrow and I'm so scared. I have been spending all week pre-grieving expecting them to find nothing, or just find an empty sac, or all manners of terrible things tomorrow. It'll only be 5w4d which is super early to see anything at all, and I'm scared silly of being in limbo for more weeks on end.

When I got this bfp, I wasn't even excited. I was just like, oh crap, if this goes bad again it's going to be the WORST Christmas present EVER. I've been in Chicken Little mode all week and made contingency plans for another loss and official RPL diagnoses, despite having no reason to be so pessimistic. I don't even have any spotting (like I did in July) but I'm just so convinced it's going to go wrong. I have some nausea but I freak everytime it fades even a little and I keep poking my boobs all day to make sure they're still sore.....yes even surreptitiously in public, LOL.

Anyways, I guess I don't have any questions, I just wanted to post here for some company. My husband is military and posted away from us, and it's so hard feeling like I'm all alone wrestling with my fears.

 

[jalilma]

First off hugs to you! I'm right there with you in the respect that I too have my first scan tomorrow. At 9 weeks the dr couldn't find heart beat on Doppler (i know it was a bit early but he tried anyway) so I have like zero reassurance. I too had one miscarriage about 12 years ago (although mine was followed by a healthy pregnancy) so I'm beyond worried that something will be wrong. I have no symptoms to base that feeling on... Just an irrational fear I suppose. Seems that pregnancy is THE time for any and all types of 'what if' feelings. Best of luck to you tomorrow. Hopefully we both walk away with happy positive news.

 

[jalilma]

Ps... I am still a boob squeezer!

 

[LacePrincess]

Ps... I am still a boob squeezer!

LOL! We might need our own self help group! I was doing it in ballet class last night........which I believe has got to be socially unacceptable, right?!? I mean I was trying to hide it by crossing my arms, but STILL.

Fx for both of us tomorrow. I'm so scared. I just feel like it's been nothing but bad news for so long (my IVF and FET attempts failed so spectacularly it was like a bad movie) that I'm doomed for failure for good. And then I scare myself silly by reading threads called "I had a bad feeling and I turned out to be right" on loss boards, and I freak out thinking OMG I HAVE A BAD FEELING, when it could very well be the anxiety talking.

This is so awful. I do have an appt with a counselor next week, I hope it'll help. I feel like I've been one constant panic attack this week.

 

[Midnight_Fairy]

Congratulations x

 

[jalilma]

I'm so gassy that social acceptable-ness has gone out the window... I mean guys rearrange themselves in public... I'm gonna squeeze my boobs! Hahaha. I know what you mean about the 'bad feeling....' but reading through all of the threads you will see at some point most ladies have some sort of scare or anxiety or fear. That's totally normal, esp when you put all this planning into making a baby and then suddenly you just have to sit around for WEEKS and just hope everything is going well with no real control or confirmation that it is... sheesh I'm surprised all of is aren't heavily medicated. Anxiety is only a normal response to all the stress esp. If you have had a hard go of it... Even more so if those experiences are recent. I keep telling myself that regardless of the outcome I am right at this moment doing everything I can to grow a healthy baby... Not much you can do other than that. Does it really help with my anxiety... I don't know maybe a little until the next wave of uncertainty creeps up on me... But I figured positive thoughts can't hurt. The first trimester is sooo long... But before you know it we will both be right around the corner from our due dates... And have a whole different set of anxieties to deal with! Hang in there.

 

[LacePrincess]

I have a pre-existing anxiety condition, so needless to say a 'real' reason to worry just sends my anxiety through the roof! I am the queen of catastrophizing! LOL

I hope I will earn the 'priviledge' of getting to worry about the next stage, I really really do. At the moment I can't even think the "p" word for fear of jinxing myself. The most I'll say about it is, well, I managed two lines on the pee stick.....

 

[jalilma]

I have an anxiety issue too... Esp. Over medical things in which I have no control... Oddly enough I'm a nurse... Which probably only adds to the problem (knowing too much). We got this. I live in pa... My appointment is at 840am. When is yours?

 

[LacePrincess]

I have an anxiety issue too... Esp. Over medical things in which I have no control... Oddly enough I'm a nurse... Which probably only adds to the problem (knowing too much). We got this. I live in pa... My appointment is at 840am. When is yours?

That's it, isn't it? Knowing too much. I have a lovely combination of generalized anxiety and OCD.....the OCD drives me to research everything to death, so yeah I know way too much too.

I'm in Ont, and my appt is 11am. Simultaneously too soon and too far away. Fx for both of us!

 

[jalilma]

Great news at my scan... Little baby looks perfect! Hope you have great news too!

 

[LacePrincess]

yay Jalilma! What a relief!

Mine went as well as I could reasonably expect I think.....at least my tech and RE seemed super pleased. Could only see gestational sac and yolk sac, but at least that rules out ectopic (which was the main reason for the scan), BO (my big fear), and molars.

Still gonna be fretting a lot till the next scan which should be in about 10 days or so. I wish I was able to see the fetal pole, but my RE said not to expect that till 6w at least.

 

[jalilma]

Yeah! I am so happy to hear that! My next scan won't be until probably feb! But I do feel much better that everything looks as it should!

 

[Mrsmac02]

Hi jalilma and congrats - the scan pics look ace! Hope you're keeping well. And hi laceprincess, your scan sounded great too! Next time you should see your little bean wiggling around!

I know what you both mean about the awful anxiety - I've had two losses a number of years apart and am lucky to have had DS in between but can't shake the dread I have about this pregnancy. This one feels EXACTLY the same as my last loss with absolutely zero symptoms. I'm still very early on (4w4d) but I have none of the pinching cramps and none of the breast tenderness I had with DS which just makes me worry even more!

Still, what will be will be I guess, nothing I can do to change things! X

 

[LacePrincess]

hi Mrsmac - congrats on your bfp!

And I know that it doesn't matter how much we worry, it won't help only hurt, etc etc but it sure doesn't make the time pass any faster or return any of the innocence we once had.

I sure do miss when I used to presume all would be good. Now I can't even think the 'p' word yet, and hubby said 'p' yesterday and I almost killed him for jinxing me!