Is there gender bias in how our children are complimented?

[claudiahc]

Hello dear parents,

I have 2.5 year old daughter and a 4.5 year old son and I have noticed some gender bias on how adults give them compliments. Sara gets almost only compliments on her looks while Rafael gets way less compliments, but they are more varied in topic.

I have decided to collect compliments from parents and make a comparison, to see whether there is gender bias, and show this in my English linguistics seminar. Could you tell me what compliments your child received today? Please also tell me the age and gender of the child, the age and gender of the person who gave the compliment, and a little about the setting.

Many thanks,

Claudia

 

[Teri7489]

I'll be stalking this.

Lots of people pay attention to my 4 year old daughter, compliment her on her pretty hair, her nails (she always wants them painted) and what a beautiful little girl she is.

My 2 year old son on the other hand is often referred to as a wild boy but "I'm sure he will grow out of it" No one ever compliments him on his looks. Some do comment on his head of hair as he's got long hair but lots say he needs it cut which isn't a compliment.

Not that I want my children showered with compliments but I don't like that my daughter is growing up showered with them and my son ignored. Not sure which is worse.

 

[misspriss]

I do think my daughter gets more compliments on her looks, but my son also gets some compliments on his looks, it isn't her exclusively.

He gets more comments on his behavior and perceived intelligence, but he's 5 and she's 3, so it makes sense more people would comment on his articulation, communication, "cleverness" and mischievousness than she does.

 

[biglebowski]

I dont have a daughter but my son gets compliments on his good behaviour when out and also a lot on his looks. People will randomly come up and say hes a beautiful boy or hes gorgeous.
He also gets people, often older ladies coming up to say how well behaved he is, especially when we are out for a meal.
I do try to talk to kids without being too gender biased as I feel little girls are often told they are pretty or ladylike. It would be nice if all kids heard positive things and not along gender specific lines.

 

[_Meep_]

I only have girls (one is 3 years 10 months and the other is 11 months). They are constantly complimented on their looks by strangers, 99% of the time middle-aged to elderly women.

I think with babies, they are pretty much all complimented for being beautiful and cute, whether they are male or female, but as a baby grows into a toddler or child, that's when the gender bias seems to kick in.

 

[minties]

Emma mainly gets commented on her physical abilities. She's very athletic/energetic and strong. The other two are too old for people to come up and compliment I think!

I got the most comments on looks with Thomas as a baby and toddler.

 

[SarahBear]

ok, I dont keep track in the level of detail you requested, but there absolutely is a ridiculous amount of bias in how people interact with children. Even when Violet was riding a lime green "boy's" bike, she was told her bike was pretty. When she was a baby/toddler, she wore a range of clothes from traditionally feminine to traditionally masculine. When in "boy's" clothes, men called her "little buddy" and once she was called a "lady's man." When perceived as a girl, her looks wer complimented. I dont notice as much with Leo... They probably comment less. he has long hair and sometimes wears "girl's" clothes, so sometimes is spoken to by strangers as if he's a girl.

 

[claudiahc]

I'll be stalking this.

Lots of people pay attention to my 4 year old daughter, compliment her on her pretty hair, her nails (she always wants them painted) and what a beautiful little girl she is.

My 2 year old son on the other hand is often referred to as a wild boy but "I'm sure he will grow out of it" No one ever compliments him on his looks. Some do comment on his head of hair as he's got long hair but lots say he needs it cut which isn't a compliment.

Not that I want my children showered with compliments but I don't like that my daughter is growing up showered with them and my son ignored. Not sure which is worse.

This is really interesting. Whenever I complain about the gender bias in the compliments Sara and Rafael get, people explain that "of course she will be complimented on her looks, she is the smaller one". So, your experience proves them wrong. It seems like it has more to do with gender than age.

 

[misspriss]

I'll be stalking this.

Lots of people pay attention to my 4 year old daughter, compliment her on her pretty hair, her nails (she always wants them painted) and what a beautiful little girl she is.

My 2 year old son on the other hand is often referred to as a wild boy but "I'm sure he will grow out of it" No one ever compliments him on his looks. Some do comment on his head of hair as he's got long hair but lots say he needs it cut which isn't a compliment.

Not that I want my children showered with compliments but I don't like that my daughter is growing up showered with them and my son ignored. Not sure which is worse.

This is really interesting. Whenever I complain about the gender bias in the compliments Sara and Rafael get, people explain that "of course she will be complimented on her looks, she is the smaller one". So, your experience proves them wrong. It seems like it has more to do with gender than age.

Ah but my experience agrees. My daughter (who is also Sara ) doesn't speak much in public or to new people, although she is very articulate at home and around family. So what else is there for a stranger to complement on? Her appearance, whether her hair or clothes, they literally cannot tell anything else about her to complement. Where ODS will engage them in conversation, attempt to tell them jokes, etc - if they complement him, they usually find something else to say to her to make it equal, but all they can tell about her is how she looks.

YDS gets complemented on his looks all the time and he's a boy, only 9 months. Same reason. What else can you tell about a baby in a brief second?

I guess at least for me, I'd have to wait until DD is older and can engage people on the same level to see if I feel there is a bias on complements. Right now I feel she does get them on her looks, but for the same reason YDS does. People always complement baby's and little kids' looks, because, well they have no other option. Unless you are just bragging about their accomplishments, people have little other to go on but what they can see.

 

[claudiahc]

I'll be stalking this.

Lots of people pay attention to my 4 year old daughter, compliment her on her pretty hair, her nails (she always wants them painted) and what a beautiful little girl she is.

My 2 year old son on the other hand is often referred to as a wild boy but "I'm sure he will grow out of it" No one ever compliments him on his looks. Some do comment on his head of hair as he's got long hair but lots say he needs it cut which isn't a compliment.

Not that I want my children showered with compliments but I don't like that my daughter is growing up showered with them and my son ignored. Not sure which is worse.

This is really interesting. Whenever I complain about the gender bias in the compliments Sara and Rafael get, people explain that "of course she will be complimented on her looks, she is the smaller one". So, your experience proves them wrong. It seems like it has more to do with gender than age.

Ah but my experience agrees. My daughter (who is also Sara ) doesn't speak much in public or to new people, although she is very articulate at home and around family. So what else is there for a stranger to complement on? Her appearance, whether her hair or clothes, they literally cannot tell anything else about her to complement. Where ODS will engage them in conversation, attempt to tell them jokes, etc - if they complement him, they usually find something else to say to her to make it equal, but all they can tell about her is how she looks.

YDS gets complemented on his looks all the time and he's a boy, only 9 months. Same reason. What else can you tell about a baby in a brief second?

I guess at least for me, I'd have to wait until DD is older and can engage people on the same level to see if I feel there is a bias on complements. Right now I feel she does get them on her looks, but for the same reason YDS does. People always complement baby's and little kids' looks, because, well they have no other option. Unless you are just bragging about their accomplishments, people have little other to go on but what they can see.

That's a good point. It would be interesting if there is a tendency in compliments given to children of either gender who are already able to interact with adults, i.e. who can already speak. Any other parents who can tell their experience?