Lack of intimacy & dtd

[Briss]

Suzy, I am very sorry about your DH. Unfortunately I do not have any good advice. I've been in this situation far too often myself. for the first year of our TTC I just tried to be nice and accommodating, was trying to seduce my DH as much as I could but if he did not feel like it I let it be without making any noise and as a result we missed half of our opportunities. last year I became really annoyed and made lots of scenes and we had so many arguments in bed, I succeeded in forcing my DH to BD every cycle at least twice during the fertile time but sex became an obligation which he cant enjoy, he never initiates sex and I am still not pregnant. since I put him on supplements that increase his sex drive it's become slightly easier to get him to BD

 

[Suzy_Q]

I'm sure this is a ridiculous and horrible thing to say, but I sometimes wish I were a lesbian. Men are a pain in the @$$ and women are so much more understanding and emotionally supportive. Grrr. Thanks for being the voice of reason on this one. I am just at my wits end today. Hopefully tomorrow/next cycle will be better.

 

[Briss]

Suzy, what's your DH's sperm count? if it's ok then may be it's not such a big deal if you miss a few opportunities but will keep your relationship as loving and carrying in the long term?

re lesbian couples, it's actually not as easy as you may think. a fellow B&B member had such difficult time with her lesbian partner while at the same time trying get things going with their donor, timing is always being an issue etc I was observing it for a few months and realised that it's much easier to be dealing with just one DH

 

[Suzy_Q]

Yeah, I know the grass is always greener really means the grass just LOOKS greener. I've only had him take a home SA and he "passed" so over 20 million. I have to take him in to get the real SA in the next two weeks so I'm going to try to chill out, take a deep breath and gain some perspective. If I try to view the situation from his perspective, poor guy just wasn't in the mood and doesn't fully understand the fertility window. And me, his crazy SO is giving him a hard time and nagging which just adds pressure. If I could just get that BFP already...

 

[tessjs]

having bad issues myself... in my fertile window and not once has he wanted to do it... so angry i wouldn't even dream of telling him it sthe fertile time put stoo much pressure on

not happy at all... i can't even get him to feel my ass (sorry for TMI)
tried to look prettier today but no to no avail its depressing....

 

[Suzy_Q]

Been there Tess,

My SO is so asexual that I sometimes feel that there is really nothing I can do to convince him. I just have to find the balance between being understanding and being demanding. If it weren't for oral sex and softcups (TMI) I'd probably be out every month

 

[Zeri]

Briss - I've been stalking your chart. Just noticed you got AF... that sucks How are you feelng?

I notice that your post-O temps look a little low/close to the coverline too. Do you think it's possible that could indicate a progesterone issue?

 

[lexus15]

Ladies I'm sorry that you are going through these problems. It amazes me that so many of us are having similar problems with our OH/hubbies.

I had a huge row with my OH a few days after Christmas over the fact we only dtd once + he was making excuses under the sun not to as well. I really had enough & said if he wasn't prepared to do dtd then maybe I should use a sperm donor!

Not nice I know, but I couldn't take any more, he knows that every month HE doesn't try/give it his all/rejects me so why shouldn't I hurt him

We've recently just started speaking & discussed (more me) what happened although no solutions were found (typical) & as I thought I would AF came this month, a few days early at that!

It's a new year, I'm looking & trying to move forward without focussing on dtd, although this is easier said than done but I've recently started a new job so my mind is elsewhere for now!

Good luck to us all!!

 

[Briss]

Zeri, thanks I am so depressed over AF, it came early and gave me yet another short cycle... after I had this bloody lap my cycles are just getting shorter and shorter. you might be right about progesterone but I did a few blood tests and it was within norm. I am taking various supps to help with that as well just in case. I have been temping for a year and my post O temps have never been high really. but I do not spot during TWW so I thought it means progesterone must be ok.

am so annoyed with DH, arginine and other supps did increase his sex drive but instead of making love to me he for some reason just keeps it all in and then comes during his sleep! sorry for tmi I examined his underpants this morning and they were clearly covered in semen. I mean it's ok in a sense that it's not wasted I am not in my fertile stage but still I would not mind having sex I actually asked for it and did not get it. what is this? laziness?

 

[charm2mama]

I'm so glad I read through these posts...and I'm relieved I'm not alone here. I've always had more sex drive than my OH, even before TTC. We BD 4-6 a month...and I think this is because we only see eachother on weekends...if we lived together, I really think this number will be lower and I would get more "later baby".

I'm really hoping he has low testosterone...that maybe his libido is something that can be increased. Not just for TTC but in general. I don't want to feel like I am the only one wanting sex. I'm also hoping testosterone is what is causing his male infertility.

 

[tessjs]

Ladies I'm sorry that you are going through these problems. It amazes me that so many of us are having similar problems with our OH/hubbies.

I had a huge row with my OH a few days after Christmas over the fact we only dtd once + he was making excuses under the sun not to as well. I really had enough & said if he wasn't prepared to do dtd then maybe I should use a sperm donor!

Not nice I know, but I couldn't take any more, he knows that every month HE doesn't try/give it his all/rejects me so why shouldn't I hurt him

We've recently just started speaking & discussed (more me) what happened although no solutions were found (typical) & as I thought I would AF came this month, a few days early at that!

It's a new year, I'm looking & trying to move forward without focussing on dtd, although this is easier said than done but I've recently started a new job so my mind is elsewhere for now!

Good luck to us all!!

OMG I had a row the other day with my hubby about not wanting to do it on monday as This was my prime fertile day I believe....It was horrific and I'm only just getting over it.... I felt rejected and that he didn't seem serious about trying to make a baby..I'm old and I need to take advantage of my fertile time before i have to try for IVF in march april...
he just understand the fertile time..i was so frustrated I wa sin tears for a whole day... it was terrible stuff..

i just don't know how some women get pregnant with their OH's .they are like kids..So bad....

I just dunno what will happen next month another bust I would imagine

 

[Suzy_Q]

Now I'm not married so that does change my options but I'm strongly considering no longer doing things I don't want to do, much like he does. If I don't want to go to a sports bar or drive him around while he drinks at bars or helping him in anyway, then I'm not going to. Much like he doesn't want to have sex or go to the fertility specialist and get a SA.

Does this make me evil? I think our relationship is very lopsided. I go out of my way for him all the time and he can't budge an inch on this which is obviously very important to me. I've already threatened to use a donor 5 months ago and he eventually caved but maybe it's time to truly cut my loses and go it alone...

Grrr...

 

[charm2mama]

Now I'm not married so that does change my options but I'm strongly considering no longer doing things I don't want to do, much like he does. If I don't want to go to a sports bar or drive him around while he drinks at bars or helping him in anyway, then I'm not going to. Much like he doesn't want to have sex or go to the fertility specialist and get a SA.

Does this make me evil? I think our relationship is very lopsided. I go out of my way for him all the time and he can't budge an inch on this which is obviously very important to me. I've already threatened to use a donor 5 months ago and he eventually caved but maybe it's time to truly cut my loses and go it alone...

Grrr...

Going it alone is something all women over a certain age with partners that are not as cooperative have to think about. Men just don't have the same biological urgency to have children. It probably has to do with the fact that their fertility doesn't have a time limit. They just have this, it will happen when it happens attitude.

I think some compromise is important in a relationship but if you truly think it is that uneven, maybe it is time to have a serious conversation him. By caving, does that mean he is OK with using donor sperm, or no? Is your infertility mainly male factor?

 

[Suzy_Q]

He is not okay with me using donor sperm. In fact, we broke up after 4 years because I wanted to try to conceive and he didn't. I decided to use donor sperm and set up all the tests/appointments with the FS and he decided to go with me (we had broken up the day before my appointment). Only after all the tests were done and it was time to pull the trigger did he cave. He claimed that if the child was not his, it would be unfair to the child as everyone would assume it's his. He is clear that he is mainly a donor with the option to bail but we essentially live as a couple.

He is not good with talking about things up front. He "falls" into doing the right thing but when I try to clearly discuss anything, he acts like I'm nagging and tunes out. I'm frustrated because of the timing issues and because, while men can come and go, this opportunity to TTC is limited. I don't have time for his "falling" into the right decision here. Sorry to unload on you all, I'm just frustrated and not sure how to move forward. I'm on CD 19 and want to start clomid on the next cycle but I can't do that until he gets the SA. Boo.

 

[charm2mama]

He is not okay with me using donor sperm. In fact, we broke up after 4 years because I wanted to try to conceive and he didn't. I decided to use donor sperm and set up all the tests/appointments with the FS and he decided to go with me (we had broken up the day before my appointment). Only after all the tests were done and it was time to pull the trigger did he cave. He claimed that if the child was not his, it would be unfair to the child as everyone would assume it's his. He is clear that he is mainly a donor with the option to bail but we essentially live as a couple.

He is not good with talking about things up front. He "falls" into doing the right thing but when I try to clearly discuss anything, he acts like I'm nagging and tunes out. I'm frustrated because of the timing issues and because, while men can come and go, this opportunity to TTC is limited. I don't have time for his "falling" into the right decision here. Sorry to unload on you all, I'm just frustrated and not sure how to move forward. I'm on CD 19 and want to start clomid on the next cycle but I can't do that until he gets the SA. Boo.

That's a really tough situation. If he is free to bail at anytime and if his semen quality is the major factor preventing you to conceive then it might be best to move on to donor sperm. I think it is totally unfair that he is not committing to TTC OR sticking around. That's really unhealthy for you! I can see why you are considering cutting your losses. I don't know him and I'm getting pissed! I really hope you will not have to and your OH gets more cooperative!!

There is organization, single mothers by choice...I think they have a website and maybe a support group in different cities. I think many women who are part of this have made the choice of leaving SO/DH/OH that were never going to be ready to TTC. I have thought about looking them up if it ever came to that.

 

[ghanagirl]

Wow ladies, once again thanks to the ladies on BnB, you have probably saved my sanity and my OHs life! I really wanted to catch the eggie this month as i would have been due to deliver my first if all had worked out, so a pregnancy would have eased the pain of the passing due date somewhat. I wanted to KILL my OH when he said he didnt feel like it! Im 42, no time to waste on missed opportunities! Its like Geez, he just makes one well timed deposit n ive got 40 weeks of hard work, which i would gladly take. We BD 10+ times a month, i just gotta get him to give that extra effort at fertile time. I really dont think he quite understands...

 

[Zeri]

Zeri, thanks I am so depressed over AF, it came early and gave me yet another short cycle... after I had this bloody lap my cycles are just getting shorter and shorter. you might be right about progesterone but I did a few blood tests and it was within norm. I am taking various supps to help with that as well just in case. I have been temping for a year and my post O temps have never been high really. but I do not spot during TWW so I thought it means progesterone must be ok.

am so annoyed with DH, arginine and other supps did increase his sex drive but instead of making love to me he for some reason just keeps it all in and then comes during his sleep! sorry for tmi I examined his underpants this morning and they were clearly covered in semen. I mean it's ok in a sense that it's not wasted I am not in my fertile stage but still I would not mind having sex I actually asked for it and did not get it. what is this? laziness?

Do you mean he masturbates during the night, or he has a wet dream? That's frustrating either way, though! It's a good thing you weren't in your fertile stage at the time - I would be made to have all those swimmers going to waste. On the other hand, it's good that his drive is increasing. I wonder if he feels more like having sex in the early morning hours? That's when testosterone surges in men, apparently - which is why men sometimes have morning erections. I've been having a similar issue with DH. He told me last week that he had been masturbating in the morning when I'm at work (he's a DJ so works nights). I was mad because I was in my fertile time, but I was still happy he had a drive. It turns out that he feels horny in the mornings, and masturbates - so in the evening he doesn't want to . Sometimes I ask him for it and he turns me down (probably because of already masturbating in the morning, and sometimes it's tiredness too). Testosterone is lower in the nights than it is the mornings, so maybe that's what's influencing your DH? Part of it could be laziness too...because I think it's less work to masturbate than it is to make love.

 

[Briss]

a wet dream I guess cos he has no recollection of what happened, so frustrating cos it means his body actually wants sex but he just cant be bothered. And I am usually up for it any time morning evening middle of the night but he would not. it's also something psychological cos he says he nowadays wakes up with erection but then thinks of me, our arguments over sex and it goes away

 

[Zeri]

a wet dream I guess cos he has no recollection of what happened, so frustrating cos it means his body actually wants sex but he just cant be bothered. And I am usually up for it any time morning evening middle of the night but he would not. it's also something psychological cos he says he nowadays wakes up with erection but then thinks of me, our arguments over sex and it goes away

Hmmm...that sucks. Do you think that if the fertility talk was kept to minimum (hard to do, I know) that the psychological block would go away, and that he would be more open to sex in general, now that his sex drive has increased?

 

[Zeri]

Wow ladies, once again thanks to the ladies on BnB, you have probably saved my sanity and my OHs life! I really wanted to catch the eggie this month as i would have been due to deliver my first if all had worked out, so a pregnancy would have eased the pain of the passing due date somewhat. I wanted to KILL my OH when he said he didnt feel like it! Im 42, no time to waste on missed opportunities! Its like Geez, he just makes one well timed deposit n ive got 40 weeks of hard work, which i would gladly take. We BD 10+ times a month, i just gotta get him to give that extra effort at fertile time. I really dont think he quite understands...

Wow, 10x times a month still sounds like a lot to me! I would love to get that. DH and I probably do it about 3 times a month tops, and just about once in my fertile window. But I feel you on getting them to ramp it up - sometimes it's so hard and so frustrating. I don't think they understand the urgency of ttc after age 35.