Lack of intimacy & dtd

[Zeri]

nobump- I'm really sorry to hear the transfer didn't happen. How upsetting! After having to go through so much. How are you and your OH doing?

Briss- I hope the blood tests show that some improvement is happening somewhere! It must be hard dealing with so much uncertainty with something you want so much.

 

[Lavender1975]

My oh doesn't want to dtd hardly ever. I have to literally beg/ask every month & usually get told he's 'tired' or 'tomorrow' which never comes for me He knows HE has control over this area & that I'll ask,

Not sure if this has been suggested - haven't yet read the thread through - but: we hardly ever BD in the evening and I never *ask* him. I just wake up earlier than him in the morning and try to "seduce" him (you know what I mean;-) while he is still asleep - when he wakes up, it's too late for him, he can't refuse me any longer

Until I got this idea, in the evening we used to talk about politics, work and what not, while I was slowly climbing up the wall, fantasizing about grabbing him by the throat and shaking him while yelling "I want a BABY!!" Now I think he is actually grateful and he's less nervous and really nice to me

 

[nobump]

Thanks, starting to feel better, got signed off my work for the week. To emotional to deal with work, people, stress, might say the wrong thing.

Going for a counseling session hopefully it will help. Will see doctor in a few weeks to discuss things.

Will try natural way for the next few months, will look into what has helped you Zeri. But think the issue is now with me and my eggs, will look to start royal jelly. Don't want to give up on trying, just not sure if IVF is the answer.

 

[Zeri]

Just wondering how everyone is doing...

 

[Briss]

nobump, have you had your follow up discussion? did they suggest anything? maybe try a different protocol? I was taking fresh royal jelly for a month or so but did not notice any positive changes. I was taking it in supplement form but decided that it is better to try and get it in a natural form if possible. I have my initial IVf app with a new clinic in May so in the meantime I will be trying to improve my egg quality. eat healthily, lots of protein, greens and do everything that brings blood to my reproductive organs (more blood to the follicles – better egg quality)

 

[nobump]

Just back from holiday, we had a week away in the Sun, think it has done us both good, but AF has just made an appearance!

That's great you have an appointment in May, that will be here in no time, it is good that you are looking into things to improve egg quality, I have been looking at DHEA, not sure if I will go down that route... might make an appointment with a GP to talk it through.

My clinic will only repeat the same protocol as last time, was on maximum dose of stims, and the extra week of down reg was normal appartently, lots of people have to do an extra week, the always do the long protocol when people have low AMH....

Had a counselling session, not sure if it did us any good, she started talking abut using donar eggs, don't think it was her job to bring this up, have a another appointment next week, think we might cancel it...

Got to give them a call with my July period, to start again.. scary not sure I want to go through all the side affects again... and to get the same result.. I know there are no guarantees...

 

[jjbubbles28]

So we were basically in the same boat. We have stressful jobs, a three hour commute, and are both older and starting to try and have a baby now. My husband 44 and I 35 struggled, fought, cried, you name it. We generally have sex 1-2 times a week and now I'm asking for double headers??? Back to back days!!! I decided to be honest. We cried, we hugged, and I asked if this is what was really wanted, then we both need to ACT like we want it. Since that night I have not had to ask, just gingerly remind him that its that day again. Its not amorous, but it is what needs to be done and not one "headache" since

 

[Briss]

nobump, I am sorry about AF it's always distressing. great that you managed to get away to have some time off this disappointing TTC business.

re egg quality, I am changing my diet to reduce coffee/sugar and increase protein intake. it's going hard cos I am not used to eating so much and do not like putting weight on but I do believe a bit more protein will help. I was thinking about DHEA but decided to leave until after 40 as a last resort thing because it's a hormone and can easily mess things up. I am back on acu, am trying a different clinic that seem to specialise on helping ladies with high FSH. I am not overly optimistic cos I've already done over a year of acu + herbs with little positive effect but who knows maybe these new guys can make it happen. Just struggling waiting for IVF cos it may take months after the initial appointment before we actually start the cycle and approaching 38 does not help. I am panicking I am wasting time. but I try to remind myself that DH is undergoing this treatment that does seem to have some positive effect and I just have to hope it improves his sperm count and increases our chances when we finally get to do the IVF.

re protocol, I actually thought it was the other way around, if your stats are great you may qualify for long protocol but if you have high FSH/low AMH then short protocol seem to demonstrate better results. Is there any chance you can change your clinic?

re counselling session, I am appalled they brought up donor eggs at your counselling session!! How dare they! this is just plainly playing on your vulnerability to force you into donor eggs because the clinic wants to keep their stats up and obviously using younger eggs will give them better success rates but that's completely ignoring your views and your happiness. if the counselling session was connected to your IVF clinic I' would not go there again, they are not helping you but themselves! truly appalling.

jjbubbles, it's really great that an honest conversation worked so well on your DH. We did talk about it with DH and theoretically he was up for it but practically he just did not have the drive to make it happen. since he was put on hormonal treatment things have changed dramatically, I no longer have to "beg" and at times he is even initiating it all by himself which is very new to us. The urologist checked his testosterone levels are apparently he reacted too well to the treatment and his levels are even higher than teenagers' so the dose was reduced cos ultimately the treatment is to improve sperm count, increased sex drive is just a positive "side effect" to the treatment. so my point is that sometimes it's really all down to hormones rather than men being nasty and withdrawing on purpose or something

 

[nobump]

jjbubbles, welcome, it is frustrating, but no I have come to appreciate that he is not rjecting me or us it is because he is tired due to work, or as Briss said, hormones or illness..

Briss, it's a NHS clinic, I don't have any option to switch clinics.... AF is a killer, they have noticed a fribiod during last IVF cycle, think this may be why I am heavy... thought when I got a pollyp removed in December things would improve... I am going to see what the counselor says on Thursday, may not go back afterwards... as for age I turn 39 this month... think it is next cycle of IVF then we will stop trying... DH turns 50 as well this year.. time is not on our side. Hope your new routine works out Briss,

 

[Zeri]

Briss - sounds like you're being very proactive with your diet changes/acupuncture etc to improve egg quality - that's awesome! Although I'm sure it must be a big sacrifice to make such big changes too. HOpe your next appt. in May comes around soon. Good to hear that the DH is initiating sex now, too! Looks like the hormone treatments really did him some good. Between that and all the positive changes you've made it sounds like you really have a good chance for your next IVF.

nobump - glad to hear you had a great holiday! Agreed that the lady was out of place to suggest donor eggs! Obviously thinking about their clinic's success, but not about you. It would've been up to you to bring that up. Hope your next IVF is successful, though!

jjbubbles - yup, we've all been there! good to hear your DH is now on board.

 

[nobump]

How's everyone?

I am due to start cycle 2

Don't honestly expect a different result from first cycle. But you gotta try.

 

[Briss]

Well done for trying. I am still waiting to hear if the clinic let us do stim ivf and if we can get the funding.

 

[nobump]

Had baseline scan, one follicle RHS and 3 on LHS, but LHS didn't respond to meds last time.... same protocol as last time...

Good luck with funding...

 

[Briss]

Best of luck! Every cycle is different so you can get a better response this cycle on the same protocol. Keep us posted.

 

[Hope3]

Hello

I've always avoided this thread because I guessed that it would open up a pandora's box of issues I didn't want to admit to until recently. I've been reading some of the old posts and the struggles have been almost identical with mine.

We only BD 2-3 times per month around ovulation then nothing either side. We've been together four years, married for one. Lots of sex in the beginning but not much now. It started going downhill last year. To begin with the problem was with me. Busy new job and no work life balance = low libido on my part. When I was in the mood he wasn't, usual excuses too tired etc etc.

Lots of sex on honeymoon last summer but the pattern hasn't really changed since.

Nothing seems to have worked. Talking hasn't worked. Arguing hasn't worked. His recent epiphany that we should be having more sex has actually resulted in more sex on a consistent basis.

Last week we celebrated our first anniversary. We went out for a lovely meal. I got dressed up, hopeful of BD when we got back. Nothing. We went away for the weekend but he said he felt uncomfortable BD'ing there because the B&B owner was too close by (it was her home). No BD all weekend. Naturally I was disappointed. On Tuesday he rejected my advances (too tired, need a shower blah blah) promising that we would BD on Wednesday when he got home from work. He forgot and went out for drinks with his friend instead. I was so annoyed I slept on the sofa. I was annoyed that he forgot and that he was drinking (sore subject). Last night he was out with the same friend again to see the latest Planet of the Apes. Today AF has arrived and I'm gutted.

I can only take so much rejection. We can't afford IVF privately so the natural way is our only option and it's never going to happen at this rate. The thought of a childless future is bad enough without me feeling old and unattractive. I hate the fact that my chances of being a mother seem to revolve totally around him. I also resent the fact that sex when we have it isn't great for me.

Sorry for the rant.

 

[Wish4another1]

Hope - I am sorry you are going through all this...

my DH has to take fertilaid to even want to have a sex it seems... it is so hurtful... and then when he "forgets" to take it - it is another knife in my gut...

I don't have any solutions. I have tried all the things you have tried... and I am still getting it 4 times a month - 2 times at fertile time (if I am lucky)...

My husband won't do IVF or IUI or anything... so we can only try naturally too...

I am always here to vent to if you need it... just know you are NOT alone...

 

[Briss]

Hope, I am very sorry you found yourself in this situation. Our story is not going to be very helpful I think but I am here if you need any support. basically it turns out that Dh's low libido thing is not something he does on purpose, it's not psychological but it's all down to pure and simple low testosterone levels. nothing we can do about it. it became very clear when our urologist put DH on tamaxofen, it helps his body produce more testosterone – it's like I got a new DH who is suddenly interested in sex. we've been together for over 10 years and this is the first time I do not need to beg him to BD. He's been on tamaxofen for 8 months now and at some point he would need to stop cos this is not a long term treatment but we just cant, we both enjoy it so much and I am afraid to think what would become of us if he stops tamaxofen. at least it helped me realise that DH was not really mean to me in denying sex he just really was not interested cos of hormones. he could not help it. it's very sad.

 

[nobump]

Hello hope, sorry for your loss and your struggle with lack of bdng in a month gets us all down, our issue is mainly down to us working different hours and weekends not always turning out how we want them to... I think the strain of trying to get the timing correct each cycle put pressure on all of us. I have learned not to become so frustrated, annoyed and angry about it all. This has improved things, I think I needed to learn to be more patient... We are going through our second IVF cycle just now, and it is tough on me, I am a very emotional person and the down regging took its tool on me and my DH is has been very loving and caring, I couldn't be without him. Sadly I don't think that IVF is the magical answer, it works for some and not others and is really tough. I am hoping that this cycle will be successful, but think I will have 3 eggs at most collected, hoping one makes it to transfer, but then that is only the beginning of the TWW, and then the wait the 6 week scan etc.. We ended up with not egg to transfer last cycle, and it was heart breaking, took me months to get over, we will be stopping after this cycle if it doesn't work, at least trying naturally I know there is not chance, it is so much crueler with IVF.

Feel free to post here to vent your frustrations, maybe things are also taking there toll on your husband as well. Men are not always good at sharing there feelings. I usually get mine a bit tipsy and then he opens up more.

Sending you some

 

[Hope3]

Thanks ladies for your support.

Had a talk with hubby today. He blames stressing over problems at work for his low libido. It was only when the issue was resolved this week that it dawned on him that it was affecting his mood.

He says he's still attracted to me & dismissed my concerns as irrational. I pointed out the lack of BD is fact. Charting makes it all too plain.

I'm seriously thinking of giving up TTC. The emotional strain & dark thoughts are too much.

 

[30mummyof1]

Although i am not 35 yet,, 6 months away i feel more at home here i think than with ladies ttc over 10 years younger more often than not!
I really struggle with this one too, last night i asked my dh to come to bed early :wink: :wink: and he said basically no chance, too stressed, too tired etc.. i have to admit i was ready to throw ttc in. I thought its always me bloody initiating it, i feel like i have to beg for sex sometimes - not that it works mind! and i just don't know how many months i can take of this.
I get so stressed trying to plan when to do it, not too early and we might peak before ovulation and then miss it and not too late and miss it all together. I was we could be one of those couples that just naturally does it 2/3 times a week and then i could just leave it up to nature..but that will never happen with dh

Not sure i am looking for advice more just to talk to ladies that are in a similar situation.