Hi girls...
My appologies for my extended leave... but I'm afraid it is going to continue. My mother passed away unexpectedly on July 28 at the age of 61 and my life is in complete turmoil right now. I posted the following on the other thread I am active on so am just doing a copy/paste because I can't type it all out again... know that I am thinking of you, and I send sticky vibes to everyone often. I don't know when I'll be back... might not be for months, who knows. I just don't know what each tomorrow is going to bring right now.
Know that I think of you all and send positive vibes and energy your way as I am able. I just can't bring myself to read all the stories right now - good or bad - I'm just too emotional, but I desperately miss talking with you all and keeping up with each of you. Losing my mother so suddenly has proven to be far more than I know how to handle, so my time is precious and I am spending most of it surrounding myself with my family and loved ones. I would really rather isolate myself and cry, but what good would that to do me?
I had a bit of a second blow when I called my doctor's office to see about how this changes things re: ttc. I was hoping to keep on my schedule to start trying again in September so I could throw all of my energies into that rather than thinking so much about all I have lost. The doc said that if I wanted to start again on schedule that they would do so, but that they strongly suggest I wait longer... maybe until after the first of the year to start again. Even then, they said it depends how my stress levels are... the nurse explained that during times of extreme stress that the cortisol levels in the body drastically increase and can have an affect on ttc and on a developing baby. While I can see their point, and I believe that they probably have a valid point... it just sucks that I have to wait.
My family doc also cautioned that the makers of Clomid say that 6 cycles is a lifetime max for the average woman... after that alternate methods should be considered. The fertility specialist said that yes, that is generally what the manufacturer tells gynos, but that under a specialist's care, it is different. I have had 4 cycles on clomid 50mg. I have had absolutely no time to research about any of this, just going off what docs have said... I suppose I'll have to wait.
I have decided to start seeing a counselor for a bit that I had seen a number of years ago. She knows my story with its ins and outs, and knows about the complicated relationship I had with my mother, so I'm going to see if she can't help me with this grieving process. I have also decided to get a tattoo in honor of my mother... that isn't exactly the way SHE would have wanted me to memorialize her, but it works for me ... so now, I just have to start figuring out what I want and design it.
I have started to work on shifting my thinking from "My mother will never get to see my baby" to "My mother is holding my baby right now... and will send the little one to me when the time is absolutely perfect." That has helped some...
Also had a reiki massage yesterday to try to help with the tension and release some of the grief and negative energies that I am most certainly holding on to. Silly me... I cried through the whole session and probably worked against what the poor massage therapist was trying to do... ha!
On a different note...I had mentioned before that DP and I were going to start eating healthy/organic/natural etc ... and were going to do an herbal cleanse. That started about 20 days ago and I'm down a little over 18 pounds. I'm going to have to buy new jeans this weekend... either that, or a good belt!
Well, just know that I will continue thinking about you all. Much love to each and every one!! *hugs*
today I am like 
I want to say thank you to everyone who threw baby dust and also those who were here to comfort me when I was going crazy! 
to everyone!!! Come on little bean STICK!!!!
