ha, I thought the same, Kira is a feeder! she's making you all eat.
I love the video, Spidey, K is adorable. and I am very envious because there is no way on this good green earth that Adam would sit with us and have a picnic when there's all that grass to escape off to and explore. I wonder if it's a girl thing? I frequently see parents with little girls out and about, around Adam's age, and they are walking nicely, not even necessarily holding hands, but staying within 2-3 steps and being so well behaved. while Adam has to be in the pushchair else I cannot cope with chasing him around. I took him to the park early in the summer with my friend who has a little boy a month younger (before we moved, I have no friends now) and we really did chase Adam round the entire time (and this was a really big park) till I forced him into the pushchair and strapped him in, in order to eat a sandwich. it was less than fun. I cannot wait for the day that he cooperates. I fear it is far away.
about the tantrums, though - I definitely empathise. Adam is being difficult at the moment. same sort of thing, I cannot get half a minute to myself, unless his attention is captured by something on TV, and I confess to letting him watch more than I'd ideally like simply because that time turns out to be all the break I get while he is awake. there's only a couple of shows that he'll watch all the way through anyway, other stuff I try he'll glance at but not be bothered about. Adam also pulls at me, and he wants to be lifted up a lot now, something he never used to ask for. he'll pull on my top and squeal/scream, and sometimes it's clear what he wants (a deedee that's "hidden") or a piece of fruit, but other times I have no idea and he can't or won't say. it's immensely frustrating. he wants to go outside, so I'll go, and he pulls me into his playhouse, which is really small and not easy for me to go in and out of, or he drags me round the garden wanting into the shed, which is locked and I pretend not to have a key. he is such hard work. constant hard work. if it wasn't for his naps I'd have been taken away by now.
I don't know what to suggest. I think it's harder when the child in question isn't very verbal. Adam has lots of words but doesn't string them together, so to all intents and purposes he can't communicate too well. or at least not verbally, and I am getting sick of the non-verbals, especially when screaming (seemingly randomly) is part of it. it is especially annoying when I know he understands so much and will follow instructions very well, yet seems not to understand "mummy will come and play soon". sorry, I wish I had advice or suggestions for you but we're in a similar boat.
jean, massive well done on being a non-smoker!
that's briliant, and I hope it gets easier as the days go by. I know just what you mean about being angry when your OH comes in late and you still have to do everything, Chris has been busy at work lately and been in later, and not told me, so I have waited and then poor Adam is waiting for his dinner as well and it's really not fair. fortunately I don't have to do everything in the house, C, for all his faults, is not too bad in that sense. though he has problems with deciding when to carry out the stuff he wants to do. if he's doing it, he's doing it, even if it is midnight, even if I have had Adam all day and need a break, even if Adam is standing behin the gate screaming for his daddy. this annoys me because I think he should try to do things at a good time for us all, not just for himself.
cleck, sorry, I know less than nothing about appropriate childcare rates, but I hope you don't end up selling yourself short and stick to the price level you are looking for. as for the job situation, I do empathise. although I have somehow managed to work 1 day a week (more likely 3 days a month lately) I feel less than hopeless about getting work again once my maternity leave is up this time round. and especially, the idea of me ever being offered a decent part-time job, let alone a full-time job, seems unrealistic. nothing like that would be an option till the 2nd baby is in full-time school anyway, since childcare costs would likely prohibit anything much earlier, so we're looking at late 2016 anyway. eeeek. 5 years away. I try not to think about it or I get so scared. cant see the job I do being open in the next few years, as it's a dying industry and we have all been well aware of that fact for the last 3 years. I also want to help contribute financially and I have been, but it's a huge worry that I won't be able to in the future. just hope I have some majorly bright idea for money making in the meantime.
how's things today, Shiv? any hopeful signs of anything imminent?
we have managed to get a few things done, Chris came home yesterday to take me to the hospital for the scan that didn't happen, and afterwards we bought more wood for more shelves and he put the new car seat cover on and dug out my birth ball. so we do have a car seat now all ready. and Adam's haircut went well, I explained I didn't want it too short, so she went the other way and didn't really cut enough off. it's still curly and fairly long, but a lot tidier. he doesn't look different, which is what I wanted, I have seen too manylittle boys go to the hairdressers and come out looking 2 years older. I want my baby to look like a baby for a while yet. he was very very well-behaved at the hairdressers, he sat on my mum's lap as no room on mine, and we had got him a lolly (like a giant boiled sweet on a stick). this is only the second non-ice lolly he's ever had (first was to calm him down when he was distraught at the doctor's a few months ago, after his time in hospital when he was very traumatised by all things doctor) and he sat lovely and still. it probably helps that he's a bit of a narcissist and loves gazing at his own reflection.
so, that was fine, but I am not in a good way at all, not coping, stressed out of my tree. part of it is the fear that baby is breech (after yesterday's appt where 1 mw thought he was and then being sent for a scan and being told they wouldn't scan till 37 weeks, and then 2 more midwives saying he *isn't* breech, but still not managing to convince me). I want to be able to chill about it all and strip away my hopes for a birth centre birth, and just be grateful if we both get through it alive and well, but I can't, and I feel so down. as well as this, like I was saying ^^ about Adam being difficult, I can't cope with it. I just can't. it drives me mad and I feel like a bad mother. I've had my mum here to help since last Wednesday, and she's amazing with him, taking him out so I can get a break, and just sharing the load, and she was supposed to go back home today, but I went with her, with Adam, to the station this morning and when she said goodbye I just burst into tears. this was after a difficult morning with Adam (and it was still only 9.30am - in his attempt to make me get out of bed, he slapped me in the face and ended up busting my lip - this after seeing how many of his dummies he could fit in my mouth at once, fortunately he only had 3 available). so my mum, who'd already asked me if I wanted her to stay (and I'd said no, I'd cope) said she was staying, and rang Chris to tell him. this is where I feel bad. Chris gets really sick of my mum being here. and he is so selfish about it because she helps *so much*. with Adam, with the house, with going out and getting our shopping, she just wants to make life easier on me, and all he sees is how he is inconvenienced. and I hate him feeling like that. it doesn't help that my mum has witnessed blazing rows we have had in the past, and that he knows I have told her about other much more major blazing rows (we had one the other week that got totally out of hand when he called me a fat fucking bitch, this would make me see red at any time, given my anorexia history, but at almost 8 months pregnant I was just livid and so upset). so because he thinks she thinks badly of him (even though they actually get on fine) he is antagonistic to me when she is coming down. you'd think she was on our doorstep every 5 minutes but she really isn't, because of her bad back in the spring, she wasn't here at all between February and May. he seems to project how he feels about himself onto other people, so I think he feels badly about how he has behaved to me and he projects that into thinking other people feel badly towards him. and he wouldn't be 100% wrong, my mum is angry that he's upset me, but she somehow sets it aside. she can see his good points, and he does have a lot of them, but empathy doesn't seem to be one of them.
anyway, he was fine when my mum spoke to him about her staying. though we haven't discussed how long she is staying. he won't be happy if this is her here till after the baby is born. the original plan was that she left today and came back on Oct 7th, so 2 and a half weeks' time. I just don't know because I can't see me finding things any more tolerable as I get even bigger.
I'm clinging to the idea that it won't be this awful and I won't feel this bad after the baby is here. I feel so awful because I am pregnant and huge and tired and unable to comfortably run around after Adam. I hate myself, I feel like I am a failure, that I should never have tried to do this (have another baby) because I cannot cope, and I am afraid (with good reason, he has said so) that Chris really thinks I won't manage 2 children. I remember having a few bad days at the end of my last pregnancy, but of course then it was all about me, and I didn't have to cope with it while dealing with a 2 year old. I just keep on bursting into tears. everyone is put out because of me. Chris isn't comfortable or happy in his own home, my poor mother, who should be resting as she is 62 and has a bad back, is forced to stay because she is so worried about me... poor Adam isn't getting much of a nice mummy any more (I do try but then my temper is so short when he won't cooperate; every time I tried to put him in his high chair for a meal today, and also his pushchair when my mum was taking him out, he fought against me, and he doesn't usually). my mum was seeing to him while I was making dinner tonight but still he wouldn't leave me be. and I am concerned that we've still never put him in his own room and we're not going to get him out of our bed before the baby is here. my mum said she'd sleep on the settee and let him have his bed, but C said no. I am scared that we now have 6 weeks max before baby is here, and how upset is Adam going to be to be evicted all of a sudden and not just evicted but usurped. I never wanted to upset or traumatise him, I hoped we'd have a good few clear months for him to get used to not co-sleeping, but now if we have a few days it'll be a miracle.
I just want to be able to cope with the life I have. C keeps saying "my mum will have him for a day, I'll take a day off a week" and I think, ack, that would be nice but being this pregnant it's not 1 day off I want or need, it's help every day. I cannot store up my rest or my quiet time and have it carry me through the other 4 days I am by myself with Adam. if only. C's mum is a non-option anyway as she goes away on hols on Fri for 2 weeks.
tomorrow should be better as I am working and C took the day off for it when I was booked, and he's planning to take Adam swimming, so my mum will have a rest. a day at work sounds like heaven right now. even though the trip into town won't be a breeze, a day with no screaming and nobody to pull at me will be amazing. and I feel like a terrible person for thinking it, let alone saying it out loud.
then Thursday I have an appt with the midwife who deals with depressed mothers. it was actually great timing, as I was only referred last week I didn't have great hopes of the system getting me in for an appt much before the baby is due, but the lady rang today, right after my mum said she'd stay, and offered me an appt for Thurs at 12.30pm. the way I feel right now it couldn't have come at a better time. it's not that I think she can change anything but I am very close to thinking I am in as bad a way as Ive been in some years, and I *need* to talk to someone professional about it. I'm even thinking more open-mindedly about medication. I haven't been on any (for my head) in about 3 years, but if it would help me cope then I'd consider it. and that makes me feel more like a failure but if it can help me be more the sort of mummy I want to be for my babies, then so be it.
sorry I'm on such a downer right now. I've wanted to write it all down all day but never had the chance.
But our situation is a bit different because he's only been around like 9 months of her 2 year life. 
I sometimes wonder how he'd be if he were here every night. Because even the days that his ship is home, he still has duty once a week so is gone all day and night. It's going to be odd being 'normal' next year. Terrifying really.
Yeah there is a minimum wage here but I don't think it applies to some childcare providers because they mostly work out of their home IYKWIM. So it's also under the table and taxes wouldn't be taken out of it. My brother pays $100 a week at an actual daycare at a church. And that's only for like 3 days of childcare because my SIL only works part time and is home part of the week. 
They are bright and I have to go to work tomorrow- oh gosh 
I think from all the stress recently I needed to do something semi-destructive to myself although DH thinks it looks good 
You had already had Sophia at this point right? Didn't you have her at 38 weeks? 
I wish I could somehow help more. 
Just another reason why I had to at least try to potty train right now. With her taking her diaper off every five seconds, my house was starting to smell like an old folks home. 
