MAY we all be blessed with baby! May 2013 and beyond (BFFs Seeking BFPs)

[ProfWife]

I'm so glad you didn't have to have anything removed, but my heart just breaks for you. Praying all heals well - physically and emotionally.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thank you, so much. I'm not feeling my best, and my doctor technically released me to work tomorrow. I took off Monday and Tuesday because I'm still hurting and taking pain medicine. And of course, emotionally, I've been better. I'm thankful to be here at home to get rest.

 

[momwithbabies]

Passing huge clots with white tissue inside. I'm calling in the morning to make sure this is okay. I had horrible cramping on Monday, which has let up a little bit. It's frustrating to deal with this. I just want it to be over.

 

[momwithbabies]

The doctor did another ultrasound and said it looks good. I'm passing pieces of tissue, which he said is going to happen more since I had a difficult location for a pregnancy to clear everything out. So basically, they didn't get it all and took caution during the surgery to prevent excessive bleeding and scar tissue. He gave me an antibiotic to prevent infection.

I just want this to be over. It seems like it's never-ending.

 

[KatyW]

I am so sorry for your loss, hon. I pray you recover quickly.

 

[kksy9b]

I am so very sorry to hear about your loss. I hope that you are able to quickly physically recover and take the time as you heal emotionally

 

[Lazydaisys]

I'm so sorry momwithbabies this is so unfair. You sound very strong xxx

 

[pathos]

I am sorry to read that news. Hope you will have a quick&healthy recovery.

Hopeful, sorry for cp, cps are usually followed by bfps.. hope you are few weeks away from your bfp.

Nikkilucky, aren't you due soon? Or has your baby already arrived?

 

[Hopeful2014]

@newbie2013 I'm sorry you had the stomach flu. We had it last year and it really took it out of us. I'm sorry about the negative beta and af. Would the IUI process go easier since you know what to expect now? I hope the clinic doesn't discourage you if you still really want to try.

@Lazydaisys I understand being nervous. I'll update the front and add you to the BFP thread! When's your due date so I can add it to the thread?

@nikkilucky77 Thanks. I hope you're doing well.

@ClandestineTX I hope it is a sign that my body is ready to go again. It's strange. My first CP was six months in the first time and this CP was six months in this time. I hope I'll be seeing a real positive in at least four months again this time. I know you were initially against the RE or assisted route. I'm glad you are going for it as it is something your husband and you want to try. I'm still very hopeful for you and really hope it all works out. I completely agree with you about adoption. My nieces and nephews are not blood-related to me, but I have been with them since they were born. I had a big hand in raising the girls and feel like they could be my own children at times. Being able to adopt (if needed) was one of the things that helped me cope with this TTC process. That's what we will do if it doesn't work out for us.

@momwithbabies I'm so sorry to hear this. Please know that we are here for you. I'm glad they didn't have to remove any of your tube or uterus. I hope you heal and that all is well with you. I'm so sorry.

@pathos Thanks. I hope so.


AFM I'm nearing or at ovulation. Fingers crossed. I hope we all have better days. I'm thinking of you all.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thank you, Hopeful. I'm not doing too good today. Physically, I'm still in some pain and I don't feel like myself. Emotionally, I'm so sad that I lost my baby. I lost my baby last Saturday. Before then, I was so happy to have this new life inside of me. I was so excited to give my children a sibling. My life felt renewed and even problems at work didn't bother me because I had hope.

I was crying this morning and my husband asked if I need to go see a counselor or whatever. My reply was, "It has only been a week." In the beginning, he was concerned and took care of me. Now that I'm feeling better physically, he acts like I no longer need help or someone to talk to...he acts like nothing happened. I guess that's how he copes or maybe it's that fact that he didn't have a connection to the baby like I did. Idk, but I told him this morning I still need him. He said he's sorry and held me as I cried in his arms. He asked me what I am the saddest about. I said, "My baby died. All of the joy and excitement of expecting has been pulled out of me." He didn't say anything...just held me. I think that's what I need from him most. I told him I felt really sick this morning taking my daughter to tennis. I think my blood sugar dropped, as I was dizzy and nauseous. I told him that it made me angry that he didn't offer to take her. He claimed he didn't know I was awake and not feeling well. I let that one go, but I reiterated to him how much I still need him.

I don't know what each day will bring. I'm familiar with the stages of grief and I guess miscarriages follow that same cycle. It's hard to lose your baby, and the trauma of me possibly dying has take its toll. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Hopeful: I don't see how you made it through losing your precious Emma. I know your situation was beyond horrible. I admire your strength to try again.

 

[newbie2013]

Momwithbabies, I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I have frequently asked myself what's worse - to have a loss or to have never had a bfp. Now I believe, hands down, a loss, for sure.

As for me, I'm heading to another doc on Tuesday night - cd11. Hopefully he'll have a good outlook and won't make me jump through hoops before trying anything. We'll hopefully try this cycle unmedicated and next cycle, medicated. Hopefully.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thanks, Newbie. I'm wishing you the best. I can't answer which is worse because I can only imagine the disappointment of never even getting close to having a baby. I guess each has its own disadvantages...both suck.

 

[ClandestineTX]

@momwithbabies: I hope you continue to do better each day.


@Hopeful: FX for ovulation (and less than 4 months wait for you)!


I am actually still sort of against this RE business... our fertility issues are 100% my body's wonky hormones. I am certain I will be devastated if it doesn't work out and I am sure I really don't have time for all the side effects and monitoring. I felt completely free and content looking into adoption and I am presently dreading CD 1 and baseline scan on CD 3 this week. Hubster knows I am doing this for him - period. I feel responsible for him not having biological kids and (through no fault of mine) he really doesn't have connections to any other surviving family members - so I am willing to give this a shot, against my own wishes, if that makes sense.

 

[Hopeful2014]

...

I don't know what each day will bring. I'm familiar with the stages of grief and I guess miscarriages follow that same cycle. It's hard to lose your baby, and the trauma of me possibly dying has take its toll. I wouldn't wish this on anyone.
...
Hopeful: I don't see how you made it through losing your precious Emma. I know your situation was beyond horrible. I admire your strength to try again.

@momwithbabies I'm so sorry. I know how much you wanted your child. Remember that it will always be your child and will always be with you, just not in the way it should be.

Losing Emma was the hardest thing that ever happened to me. It still hurts every day. I wouldn't say it's lessened any, but it is somewhat easier to manage. It'll be something that hurts every day and every year as we miss the milestones that she would have hit. I nearly lost my life as well. I honestly left the hospital still in fear that I could die at any time. I think most of that was PTSD and I struggled with that for a long time. I still have anxious moments. I'm sure you experienced trauma from your experience as well.

One quote that really helped me in the beginning was "First, do what is neccessary. Then do what's possible. Suddenly you're doing the impossible." The neccessary things were handling her baptism, her funeral, the details of everything, and getting better physically. Eventually I started working on doing what was possible like going to my in-laws for a few hours during the day, watching TV and movies again, and doing small things to get me back to "my old life" as much as possible. Then it was like I was doing the impossible, living and surviving without my baby.

This didn't happen all at once. I am definitely not completely healed. I still have many steps to complete to get back to what will be considered my new normal. There are many stages of grief and remember that you don't just go through one and on to another. You may cycle back to one of the stages of grief. You may experience them all in the same day.

I'll never be the same person. At first that was a bad thing, but I've tried to become a better person. I've tried to honor my daughter and her life and live mine because I was given a second chance. We try again because we want children so badly, but she will always be my first.

I suggest reaching out to your husband. Men sometimes deal with it differently. They struggle with their emotions. They feel like they don't know what to do, they feel like they failed in some way, and they hate that they can't "solve" the problem. We are always here for you. Try to do small things that make you happy. Do something special to honor your baby (if you like that sort of idea) such as planting a new tree or a garden. Perhaps get a stone engraved to place in the garden. Or anything else that you would like. Doing things like this make me feel like I can still do something for her.

 

[Hopeful2014]

@newbie2013 I think not having a BFP and having a loss can be very traumatic in both situations. I know that many women suffer months of pain from never getting a BFP. I definitely know the pain from loss as well. I wouldn't give up my chance to have Emma if it meant I wouldn't have had the loss. That time was the best time and the worst time of my life. But I do have her now, just not in the way I wish. However, I've said that I would rather not get another BFP if it meant that I would experience the same type of loss again. I would rather move on to another option. It's nothing I would wish on anyone. Good luck with the doctor! I'm excited for you. Keep us updated!

@ClandestineTX I REALLY hope that we are discussing how you are so glad you decided to pursue this option and how well baby is doing in a year or so. I'm hopeful for you. My fingers are crossed!!


How is everyone?


AFM I am in the TWW and waiting to see what the end brings. We have been having nice days outside with my dog and the new puppies. We planted some new roses. We're going to get some new flowers this weekend. I think we're going to see Avengers this weekend as well. Do any of you like that sort of movie? I'm excited for it. I'm sending luck and hopeful thoughts to you all.

 

[momwithbabies]

Thank you, Hopeful. It does seem like I'm cycling through the stages of grief...my most frequently visited part would be denial...I put on a show for everybody. I've been filling up my schedule with "extra" things (projects at work, volunteering, being a tennis coach, which is funny because I don't even play tennis). I know I am filling up my life so I don't have time to think about it.

I avoid anything family related. For some reason, being around my family makes me emotional and I don't want to feel. I saw my dad Sunday because I had to take him my mom's dish she left over at my house, and it took everything I had to not cry. I wanted to cry and him hold me, but at the same time, I wanted to be strong and act like I can do anything. That is my front, and I know it's a lie, yet I do it.

Maybe I should try a memorial of some sort, like the garden stone you suggested. Idk, I'm afraid to feel because I know the pain hurts so much that I don't want to face the day. And I have two kids that need their mother, but they don't understand how sad I am. They are just glad I didn't die.

Sorry to ramble. I'm going to try to take you advice and try to talk to my husband more. He acts like nothing happened. Maybe he's doing what I'm doing, idk.

 

[Hopeful2014]

@momwithbabies I understand what you mean. I was unable to do anything for a long time, but eventually I tried to fill my time with other things. Initially it was with exercise. I'm grateful that I did because it was one of the things that helped and also got me back into better shape. However, I know I used it as a cushion to avoid other things.

I was going to take a new position last summer that would have been great for me, but it was the last thing I needed at the time. I don't think I could have gone and faced people every day and I know that it wouldn't have worked out long term because of TTC and because my next pregnancy will be high-risk.

I also know what you mean about avoiding family related activities. I still haven't faced most of our family since the funeral. There were times when I avoided seeing family in a store and we avoided many family functions. I'm starting to get to the point where I think I will be able to see most of them again. I'm hoping the distance between it will allow them to move on and not push the issue with me. I'm a very sensitive person. I can hold it together, but it's much harder to do if a person says certain things. It will become easier. Just take it as slowly as you need.

Right now you might need to feel strong and like you can do anything. You are strong. You went through a terrible experience and you were strong for yourself and your family. It's okay to not allow yourself to feel all the pain now. I think we all have a 'survival mode' that we go in at the beginning of any loss. You're doing the best you can to live your life and take care of your family. It may be too hard to do a memorial right now, but it might help you eventually. Don't feel like you have to rush any decisions.

My family was very relieved that I didn't die, but it was a tragedy that we lost my daughter. It can be hard for others to express their feelings. Sometimes they're afraid to say the wrong thing so they say nothing at all. Sometimes some will say the wrong thing even if they do not understand that's what they're doing. Most people will pretend to be better than they are. Think about the people in your life who really care about you and let them in once you are ready. Don't suffer silently. We're here for you as well.

 

[newbie2013]

So, here we are, two years on. All of us have gone through our own individual journeys and have been here to support each other. I can't thank you enough for your ongoing assistance. I couldn't have kept going on this process without you all. I'm on cd25 of some crazy number of cycles. I'll hopefully have my first medicated iui this cycle, although the chance of a second promotion in two years is making me hesitate. Struggling to prioritise the potential of a family with career... again I wish this was easier.

 

[ProfWife]

Don't you hate that we were all told we could "have it all." Then we realized that it isn't completely accurate, at least not without going insane.

Hard to believe the thread has been open for two years. Doesn't seem possible that much time has passed!

 

[ClandestineTX]

I am grateful to Hopeful for starting it, and all of you for keeping up with it! I honestly can't believe it's been two years, even though so much waiting has made time move slowly in the short-term.

@newbie: I am right there with you, as far as trying to choose bigger things for myself or more advanced intervention. I decided I have such a poor track record with fertility that I'm really not hurting anything by trying and if it works - great - I'm a smart lady, I'll sort it out. And you will, too. We may not be able to have it "all" but we can sure as hell have a lot of it!

Where's everyone at on this anniversary month? I did 50 IU FSH, ended up with a spontaneous surge, IUI, hCG tigger, second IUI, and now progesterone suppositories for my "twb" (two week break from injections and monitoring ) Even though my temps are shit, I had ovulation confirmed via sonogram day of second IUI (19.5+ mm follicle that was there the day prior, before first IUI, had vanished).