Monogamy

[chellebelle8]

I think its wrong, but I am also Catholic. I have never had urges neither. Honestly, I am too busy anyways. The guys at my work are nice, but, have never thought of them 'that way' before. I do thinks its morally wrong and a sin. I think if you are thinking of someone else, its terribly selfish. I would be crushed if hubby cheated, mentally, or physically.

I'm with you on the cheating. I've seen first hand the effects of cheating on the entire family. My oh is fully aware cheating is my bottom line. There is no coming back from that for me.

 

[Ozzieshunni]

But if both partners agree, is it really classed as cheating?

 

[chellebelle8]

if there is an agreement between spouses then that is different but to me that makes a mockery of the sanctity of marriage and it's vows. .unless of course the vows are altered to allow the situation but I still think it's not what marriage is about ..if you still have oats you need to sow are you truly ready for marriage?

 

[Peanut78]

But if both partners agree, is it really classed as cheating?

No, not if it is consenual, definitly not. But in my experience alot of the time one party isn't fully on board, then you do have a problem

I have known some couples who have "open" relationships that have worked, but if I am honest they seemed more "functional" relationships (or they are into some swingers thing, which is not necessarily the same).

Another question is whether it is a physical relaltionship outside your main relationship or emtional, or both. Some of you mentioned having deep feelings for other people, does that mean they would be on par with your OH, or someone else who would be secondary in your life, but not part of day-to-day? Could that person be a possible "competitor" to your OH - (IRL not just in how you OH may view them)? How would that factor on a day-to-day (or week/ month/ random etc) basis if it was up to you?

Very intersesting

 

[Ozzieshunni]

It depends I suppose. I saw a documentary once on polyamourous couples/relationships. It's very much a matter of the people involved being on the same page. If they're not, they should not be practicing it.

 

[vintage67]

...

 

[alaskagrown]

I can definitely see both sides to the argument!

 

[Jaylynne]

I definitely think its possible to be completely satisfied with one other person in a marriage. Otherwise I would never have gotten married. My parents never even kissed other people and they've been married 40 years. However, I do have a very very high sex drive and my husband doesn't. It has caused lots of issues when he constantly pushes me away. I've even thought about what would happen if I left my DH and went back to my ex (I thought he was my soulmate but he didn't see it at the time and then after I was married realized what we had and wanted me back- I said no). DH has now put on the table the idea of an open marriage as I'm entering prime time for sex and he's growing past his prime. I dunno. I think that's playing with fire. I just want him. I'd be furious if he ever had a relationship or sex with another woman.

Maybe those who crave more than one spouse other than for status and religion aren't married to the right person for them?

 

[Ozzieshunni]

That is very possible.

 

[alaskagrown]

I definitely think its possible to be completely satisfied with one other person in a marriage. Otherwise I would never have gotten married. My parents never even kissed other people and they've been married 40 years. However, I do have a very very high sex drive and my husband doesn't. It has caused lots of issues when he constantly pushes me away. I've even thought about what would happen if I left my DH and went back to my ex (I thought he was my soulmate but he didn't see it at the time and then after I was married realized what we had and wanted me back- I said no). DH has now put on the table the idea of an open marriage as I'm entering prime time for sex and he's growing past his prime. I dunno. I think that's playing with fire. I just want him. I'd be furious if he ever had a relationship or sex with another woman.

Maybe those who crave more than one spouse other than for status and religion aren't married to the right person for them?

Very good point.

 

[summer rain]

if there is an agreement between spouses then that is different but to me that makes a mockery of the sanctity of marriage and it's vows. .unless of course the vows are altered to allow the situation but I still think it's not what marriage is about ..if you still have oats you need to sow are you truly ready for marriage?

What if you're from a society or have chosen a cultural or lifestyle path where your marriage vows don't stipulate one man, one woman though? In Islam we don't even say marriage vows it is more like agreeing to a written contract and both monogamy and polygamy are accepted forms of marriage. And I don't see how it's greedy if a man marries someone who would not have otherwise married except into polygamy and completely of the wife's own volition as well. While generally men outnumber women in most societies when you look into it as women of marriageable age seeking marriage and men of a marriageable age seeking marriage, there are often more women than men in the marriage market and consequently in a lot of traditional societies where polygamy is no longer acceptable socially but marriage is considered a must a lot of women are denied the chance of ever marrying and thus ever having children or any type of companionship in older age, which is a shame. Xx

 

[JASMAK]

Why bother getting married at all if you aren't ready to commit to one? I don't get it. I mean, people can do what they want in their marriage, make their own choices, but I don't get it...marriage is supposed to be committing to each other 'until death do us part', not, 'when I see someone else who I want'. Just icky sleeping around too...diseases ect. No, I am not cool with that. If they both agree, I dont think it should be legal for people to marry more than one wife or husband....which its not here. Yes, I still think its cheating though...you are cheating yourself of respect, thats how I see it anyways. I know others will feel different, but I am worth more than that. To me, its cheap.

 

[Jaylynne]

Marriage hasn't only been for just one man and one woman though. Even in biblical times, the anointed by God kings had a plethora of wives and concubines like King David and King Solomon. So strictly speaking marriage between only two people and 2 people only is somewhat recent as a broad generalization.

First thought on monogamy is- of course it should be between two people!! Why would it be ok for a man to have more than one woman to sleep with if I couldn't have more than one man?! I think true love puts the other persons needs ahead of your own. Just like i put LOs needs ahead of mine. I don't see how that's possible in polygamous relationships? Could all the wives be truly satisfied by sharing one man? Where's the intimacy? Just seems like more of a business partnership with a side of sex in that scenario. Especially if the pros are more hands helping with kids and more money coming in with more working. I don't think I would be cut out for that type of relationship as I would want my husband devoted to just me and our kids.

 

[vintage67]

I see it as more "evolved" as we have evolved more towards seeing men and woman as equals rather than "marriageable property and baby makers." If you look at the countries and societies where polygamy is common, accepted and legal, look at the status of women in those areas. East and West Africa for example; polygamy and acceptance of female circumcision. Woman have little or no control of their bodies or economic livelihood. Saudi Arabia. Legal polygamy and women aren't allowed to drive a car among numerous other things. Polygamy makes women chattel, or at least a commodity valued for sexual service and child production with every independent act such as career and even freedom of movement very guarded and controllled.

You often hear how the women "calll the shots" because they schedule who the man sleeps with on what night. I can appreciate the idea of household help but I will push my vacuum and change my diapers in complete loneliness before I would live in such a union.

As for the rest of the world and their "choices", I wonder how much of an actual "choice" this is for women in societies where they have little rights of any kind.

 

[summer rain]

That's a bit of a generalisation, there are several Muslim societies where polygamy is legal yet there are more women than men in the workforce, with their own businesses and studying at university level, even more so than in the US. Even in those societies viewed more negatively, this negative viewpoint is often based on false stereotypes. Talking about 'East and West Africa' like its one homogenous blob of a country is insulting to say the least. Not every African country where FGM is practiced has polygamy and not every African country where polygamy is practiced is FGM found there.

Some societies where polygamy is or was common are strongly matriarchal, look at the Navajo. Although its no longer online a well known Navajo feminist had a blog that was very pro-polygamy and she rued the fact that polygamy was far less common amongst her people now as it did have many benefits for them. Anyone who knows how Navajo society works knows its the mothers and grandmothers who are asked for a girl's hand in marriage and they have much of the power financially as well. I don't consider more traditional societies than ours to be backwards by default nor do I consider the marriage vows made up by Church leaders in a few western Christian churches to be a model of marriage that all humankind should abide by, that is very imperialistic in my opinion. Just because someone has a different view of a normal model of marriage to you or what is commitment to a person in a relationship doesn't make it wrong. As for diseases etc far higher risk of those with serial monogamy and men sleeping with prostitutes, most of those in polygamy have on average slept with less partners than those in monogamy. Xx

 

[Jaylynne]

Can a polygamous marriage truly meet all the emotional needs of all the members? My DH is my best friend, my confidant, my lover. How can such things be if he is also the same to other women? How is that sacred and special? The saying 2's company and 3's a crowd is IMO truly applicable to a marriage. I don't think it's selfish to have the need to be your husbands everything.

Let's face it. The majority of polygamous marriages are one man and multiple wives. In old times, the wives lived in harems. I would be completely miserable if my husband divided his duties among other women. It's not special. You can't be one with many.

I'm trying to have an open mind, but I just can't see it. I just see it as a double standard. That the man can be intimate with more than one spouse but the woman must be faithful to only one man.

I guess why get married if you can't be with just one other person.

 

[JASMAK]

That's a bit of a generalisation, there are several Muslim societies where polygamy is legal yet there are more women than men in the workforce, with their own businesses and studying at university level, even more so than in the US. Even in those societies viewed more negatively, this negative viewpoint is often based on false stereotypes. Talking about 'East and West Africa' like its one homogenous blob of a country is insulting to say the least. Not every African country where FGM is practiced has polygamy and not every African country where polygamy is practiced is FGM found there.

Some societies where polygamy is or was common are strongly matriarchal, look at the Navajo. Although its no longer online a well known Navajo feminist had a blog that was very pro-polygamy and she rued the fact that polygamy was far less common amongst her people now as it did have many benefits for them. Anyone who knows how Navajo society works knows its the mothers and grandmothers who are asked for a girl's hand in marriage and they have much of the power financially as well. I don't consider more traditional societies than ours to be backwards by default nor do I consider the marriage vows made up by Church leaders in a few western Christian churches to be a model of marriage that all humankind should abide by, that is very imperialistic in my opinion. Just because someone has a different view of a normal model of marriage to you or what is commitment to a person in a relationship doesn't make it wrong. As for diseases etc far higher risk of those with serial monogamy and men sleeping with prostitutes, most of those in polygamy have on average slept with less partners than those in monogamy. Xx

Are you saying that if your husband isnt a polygamist he is sleeping with prostitues?! LMAO! That is the craziest thin I have heard. It may not be wrong to some (thats an opinion), but it can be wrong to others (also an opinion) and here, against the law, so the courts also agree its WRONG. It isnt even just about a religion to some, its about MORALS. I think you are taking his too personally hon.

 

[chellebelle8]

I think cultural and religious aspects are interesting but to me polygamy is just a legal Way for a man to have his cake and eat it too. But that's because I was raised in a culture where marriage is between two people . I suppose if your raised in a culture where polygamy is socially acceptable or even encouraged it would be perfectly normal. I'm with Jaylynne on this one though. You can not be truly in love or meeting the needs of several partners x

 

[Ozzieshunni]

Jasmak, Summer rain is one of the most level headed people on this forum. It's a stretch to say she takes things personally.

Also, I was married once before. My ex was abusive. So, I should have stayed with him until death do us part?

 

[Lina]

I didn't interpret that if your husband isn't a polygamist he must be seeing prostitutes. Rather that "monogamy" doesn't secure fidelity. You may be the one taking things personally here.