Oh my goodness... Yesterday was a rough day.
I work at a hospital and I'm not sure why (well, I know why, but I'll get into that later) but I had anxiety ALL DAY. 12 hour shift of anxiety. I kept feeling tightness in my chest because my heart was racing--mind you I've had ZERO caffeine for the last 3 days. My heart rate was in the 130s when I put myself on the heart monitor.
I guess I may or may not be freaking out a little. The thing is externally I keep a calm appearance, but internally I'm stressing out!
I think having to keep the secret from people, people joking when I yawn throughout the day "Oooooh Alicia's pregnant!" cuz they know that we're "NTNP". But I don't want to tell anyone yet. I considered not even telling my own husband! Though I'm so glad I did!
I'm just so afraid of getting my hopes up for something that realistically still has a chance of not happening. I'm afraid of feeling like I disappointed people, let my husband down, failed in some way.
Then I'm freaking out because I'm freaking out and I'm afraid all this stress is going to hurt the baby and CAUSE me to miscarry!

A vicious cycle.
I told all of this to my hubby who's also in the medical field and he reassured me that none of this will hurt the baby and he talked to me a long time alleiviating my fears, let me know that everything will be ok and if God wants us to have a baby we will... if it's not our time this time around then we'll be ok. Disappointed, sad, yes... but ok.
Usually miscarriages in otherwise healthy women are simply due to a chromosomal problem with the baby to where they aren't strong enough to implant/sustain the pregnancy. So it's really a very natural thing. When that baby does stick it's a strong healthy baby.
So anyway... yesterday was a rough day. I feel a little better now that I told hubby everything, it's like I just needed to take some pressure off myself, make sure he wasn't completely getting his hopes up.
He's more of an optimist than me, he prefers to always look at the positive side of things... I'm learning to be more optimistic.
AF due tomorrow! So in about 3 days my hope for a sticky bean will be rising!
Sorry to vent all this out. Thanks for listening. I'm now going to do my best to keep myself distracted through the next 3 days!!
