Uvlollypop
finally a mum
- Joined
- Feb 24, 2008
- Messages
- 5,571
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My story.
I was 18 a party girl always out having fun drinking dancing until dawn and bumming my way around the country going to festivals/raves etc having a great time being young doing everything to excess. I started to feel odd and ill so decided to take some time out everyone was telling me that I was pregnant this was the furthest thought from my mind. If anyone asked me about kids id reply with yeah they are nice for other people or great when you can give them back
I eventually got bullied into doing a pregnancy test on the 23rd aug I went along with it weed on the stick went to shout out ha negative im ok when I read the packet and It dawned on me that two lines ment pregnant.
I walked downstairs put the test on the table poured a glass of wine and cried for three days..
I didnt want a baby, I wasnt going to b a teenage mum that wasnt the plan I was better than that. Well thats what I thought anyway. Silly me!
I went to my doctor who conferment the pregnancy, I didnt know how far I was because I was to busy partying to keep track of my AF (fucking silly AGAIN) he booked me in for a scan.
I waited weeks and weeks for the scan, while I was waiting I was made homeless due to being pregnant ( I was living with friends at the time) the father abandoned me completely I still havnt spoken to him since the day I found out I was pregnant!
I was alone
I went to my doctor to ask for an abortion, everything was against me and I could hardly look after myself let alone anyone else.
I had counselling and decided I couldnt do it.
I had my 12 week scan after what felt like forever, I had convinced myself that I wasnt really pregnant and that it was all in my head. Sure as sure there was a baby on the screen. I felt like an awful person for even thinking about abortion.
From then on I threw myself into the pregnancy, I got a council flat (grim but meh) worked my arse off even though I had serious morning sickness brought everything did it all alone, went to see my midwife whi mentioned the triple test. She explained to me that its very rare for it to show up bad results in someone my age so I thought id go for it.
I had the test at 16 weeks, 3 days later I had a midwife at my front door telling me that my baby would prob have spina bifida. My world fell down I was booked in for a scan to check everything the next day. I spent the day waiting for the scan finding things out about spina bifida preparing myself for the worse.
I made the decision that I wouldkeep my baby what ever happened.
I went to the scan and everything was ok! The baby had really long legs but the spine was closed awesome.
I had my 20week scan everything was fine again and I found out I was having a girl! Amazingly happy really looking forward to being a mum completely changed my life for the better.
I was booked in for a 28week scan just to keep an eye on things, the baby was low down everything looked ok but they couldnt see her head clearly so I was asked to come back in a few days to be rescanned and that there was nothing to worry about. I was happy another chance to see my little girl everythings fine good stuff.
I went to the next scan and within seconds I knew something wasnt right but noone would tell me what had happened. I started to cry they brought more people into the room to look at the screen and the doctor looked at me and said im sorry your babys heart isnt beating he then said its ok your young its not like you were trying which was nice
I just wanted to get out of there, but they kept me for ages telling me things I didnt understand.
I was sent home, I had to come in the next day to take some pills that would induce me to get the baby out. I went for the first lot of pills and walked around the hospital crying for hours I dont know why. People looked at me but noone asked what was wrong.
The pills made me really sick. I remember feeling the baby move I called the hospital telling them they had made a mistake and that I could feel her. They explained to me it was like a tennis ball in a bag of water bobbing around it wasnt movement.
I went for the next lot of tablets on the next day. I was really ill and I looked like death. I went shopping for a baby outfit to put her in when she was born and also hospital bag things. People asked me when my baby was due, I replyed with never my babies dead.
It was all a cold numb blear of time
On the third day I went into hospital with my bag packed, I was giving more drugs for induction, drips etc. labour kicked in I handled it well without pain relief. Towards the end I got very distressed begging for an epi which I was refused.
I ended up screaming at nurses/midwifes that they should all fuck off cause they didnt have to give birth to a dead baby, I wanted them to leave me alone and let me get on with it, it wasnt like there was a life to ba saved and at the time I didnt care to much about my own.
At 7.19pm on feb 16th 2007 baby Skyela was born.
They left me alone with her, I bathed and dressed her took photos and got to stay with her over night.
The next day I left the hospital with my hospital bag and no baby one of the hardest things ive had to do in my life.
The taxi driver tried to make small talk with me on the way home, I coldly told him I had just given birth to my dead daughter, then I politely asked him to shut up as I was paying him to take me home and not for a conversation.
I dont remember anything after this until the funeral on march the 6th. I wrote the service myself which ill share another time.
There was people and flowers, I had the coffin home the night before I had some weird idea that they were going to cremate the wrong baby/ or and empty box.
I watched the men seal up the coffin which people had put letters and gifts in.
Thats all I remember really
After the funeral I got really really drunk
The months after were horrendous and I dont remember a lot. I quite often told people (like the dentist) that I had a daughter because it was easier than explaining what had really happened
I ended up meeting someone and decided to try for a baby I got pregnant quickly, threw myself into it and was very happy, I went for my 12 week scan and there was no heart beat, I was booked in for a D+C the next day which left me with scaring in the womb and a nasty infection.
I wanted to die, I couldnt understand why al this was happing to me.
About 6 months passed and I decided that I wanted to try again, I got pregnant in march 08 and am now 23weeks pregnant, absolutely terrified but happy.
Everything that has happened to me the last few years has haunted me and will forever but this pregnancy will hopefully be my happy ending.
i thought id share some of my photos too.
first scan
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/1452817582_m-1.jpg
17weeks
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/1461497826_m-1.jpg
scrapbook pages
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/2008_03180073-1.jpg
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/2008_03180074-1.jpg
flowers
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/DSCN0740.jpg
coffin
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/DSCN0754-1.jpg
bump about 3/4months
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/Picture002-1-1.jpg
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/LossAware-1.gif
i found this really helpful to write down, ill remove it if it really upsets anyone
I was 18 a party girl always out having fun drinking dancing until dawn and bumming my way around the country going to festivals/raves etc having a great time being young doing everything to excess. I started to feel odd and ill so decided to take some time out everyone was telling me that I was pregnant this was the furthest thought from my mind. If anyone asked me about kids id reply with yeah they are nice for other people or great when you can give them back
I eventually got bullied into doing a pregnancy test on the 23rd aug I went along with it weed on the stick went to shout out ha negative im ok when I read the packet and It dawned on me that two lines ment pregnant.
I walked downstairs put the test on the table poured a glass of wine and cried for three days..
I didnt want a baby, I wasnt going to b a teenage mum that wasnt the plan I was better than that. Well thats what I thought anyway. Silly me!
I went to my doctor who conferment the pregnancy, I didnt know how far I was because I was to busy partying to keep track of my AF (fucking silly AGAIN) he booked me in for a scan.
I waited weeks and weeks for the scan, while I was waiting I was made homeless due to being pregnant ( I was living with friends at the time) the father abandoned me completely I still havnt spoken to him since the day I found out I was pregnant!
I was alone
I went to my doctor to ask for an abortion, everything was against me and I could hardly look after myself let alone anyone else.
I had counselling and decided I couldnt do it.
I had my 12 week scan after what felt like forever, I had convinced myself that I wasnt really pregnant and that it was all in my head. Sure as sure there was a baby on the screen. I felt like an awful person for even thinking about abortion.
From then on I threw myself into the pregnancy, I got a council flat (grim but meh) worked my arse off even though I had serious morning sickness brought everything did it all alone, went to see my midwife whi mentioned the triple test. She explained to me that its very rare for it to show up bad results in someone my age so I thought id go for it.
I had the test at 16 weeks, 3 days later I had a midwife at my front door telling me that my baby would prob have spina bifida. My world fell down I was booked in for a scan to check everything the next day. I spent the day waiting for the scan finding things out about spina bifida preparing myself for the worse.
I made the decision that I wouldkeep my baby what ever happened.
I went to the scan and everything was ok! The baby had really long legs but the spine was closed awesome.
I had my 20week scan everything was fine again and I found out I was having a girl! Amazingly happy really looking forward to being a mum completely changed my life for the better.
I was booked in for a 28week scan just to keep an eye on things, the baby was low down everything looked ok but they couldnt see her head clearly so I was asked to come back in a few days to be rescanned and that there was nothing to worry about. I was happy another chance to see my little girl everythings fine good stuff.
I went to the next scan and within seconds I knew something wasnt right but noone would tell me what had happened. I started to cry they brought more people into the room to look at the screen and the doctor looked at me and said im sorry your babys heart isnt beating he then said its ok your young its not like you were trying which was nice
I just wanted to get out of there, but they kept me for ages telling me things I didnt understand.
I was sent home, I had to come in the next day to take some pills that would induce me to get the baby out. I went for the first lot of pills and walked around the hospital crying for hours I dont know why. People looked at me but noone asked what was wrong.
The pills made me really sick. I remember feeling the baby move I called the hospital telling them they had made a mistake and that I could feel her. They explained to me it was like a tennis ball in a bag of water bobbing around it wasnt movement.
I went for the next lot of tablets on the next day. I was really ill and I looked like death. I went shopping for a baby outfit to put her in when she was born and also hospital bag things. People asked me when my baby was due, I replyed with never my babies dead.
It was all a cold numb blear of time
On the third day I went into hospital with my bag packed, I was giving more drugs for induction, drips etc. labour kicked in I handled it well without pain relief. Towards the end I got very distressed begging for an epi which I was refused.
I ended up screaming at nurses/midwifes that they should all fuck off cause they didnt have to give birth to a dead baby, I wanted them to leave me alone and let me get on with it, it wasnt like there was a life to ba saved and at the time I didnt care to much about my own.
At 7.19pm on feb 16th 2007 baby Skyela was born.
They left me alone with her, I bathed and dressed her took photos and got to stay with her over night.
The next day I left the hospital with my hospital bag and no baby one of the hardest things ive had to do in my life.
The taxi driver tried to make small talk with me on the way home, I coldly told him I had just given birth to my dead daughter, then I politely asked him to shut up as I was paying him to take me home and not for a conversation.
I dont remember anything after this until the funeral on march the 6th. I wrote the service myself which ill share another time.
There was people and flowers, I had the coffin home the night before I had some weird idea that they were going to cremate the wrong baby/ or and empty box.
I watched the men seal up the coffin which people had put letters and gifts in.
Thats all I remember really
After the funeral I got really really drunk
The months after were horrendous and I dont remember a lot. I quite often told people (like the dentist) that I had a daughter because it was easier than explaining what had really happened
I ended up meeting someone and decided to try for a baby I got pregnant quickly, threw myself into it and was very happy, I went for my 12 week scan and there was no heart beat, I was booked in for a D+C the next day which left me with scaring in the womb and a nasty infection.
I wanted to die, I couldnt understand why al this was happing to me.
About 6 months passed and I decided that I wanted to try again, I got pregnant in march 08 and am now 23weeks pregnant, absolutely terrified but happy.
Everything that has happened to me the last few years has haunted me and will forever but this pregnancy will hopefully be my happy ending.
i thought id share some of my photos too.
first scan
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/1452817582_m-1.jpg
17weeks
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/1461497826_m-1.jpg
scrapbook pages
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/2008_03180073-1.jpg
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/2008_03180074-1.jpg
flowers
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/DSCN0740.jpg
coffin
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/DSCN0754-1.jpg
bump about 3/4months
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/Picture002-1-1.jpg
https://i56.photobucket.com/albums/g169/uvlolly/LossAware-1.gif
i found this really helpful to write down, ill remove it if it really upsets anyone
xx
I'm sorry for what you've been through, I couldnt begin to imagine the pain. Your daughters the brightest star in the sky, looking down over you and your bump xx
